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Originally Posted By: armymama
You have made a huge mistake in telling your husband about this site. Read the "False Recovery" thread to understand what happens when a betrayed spouse prematurely trusts their wayward husband/wife. .


I didn't tell him about the site, he saw it on my phone. I thought I was not supposed to hide things, but maybe some things?
There are 200 threads with false recovery, can you please link me to it?
Thanks for all the help.

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: TheResilientOne
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?


I have no one to expose on her side. She is alone here, no social media, no common friends. I can call her work, but I can't see what they can do, as they will not do anything to her professionally...

Do you have her name? And you have her number? Did you do an online check on her?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: TheResilientOne
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?


I have no one to expose on her side. She is alone here, no social media, no common friends. I can call her work, but I can't see what they can do, as they will not do anything to her professionally...

Do you have her name? And you have her number? Did you do an online check on her?


Yes, I have her name, number, and address. She is a ghost online, no social media, nada. I found one pic on FB, but she wasn't tagged, he showed me.

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Originally Posted By: TheResilientOne
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: TheResilientOne
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?


I have no one to expose on her side. She is alone here, no social media, no common friends. I can call her work, but I can't see what they can do, as they will not do anything to her professionally...

Do you have her name? And you have her number? Did you do an online check on her?


Yes, I have her name, number, and address. She is a ghost online, no social media, nada. I found one pic on FB, but she wasn't tagged, he showed me.

See if you can find more. Lots of people like their gym/dentist/pet's hairdresser/dog walker/local grocery store on FB. If you are a friend of a friend, you can see more on FB than if you are not connected.

If you google "her name" and "site:facebook.com", you might find FB connections. Same search words for images. You might find FB friends of hers this way.

Create a new FB account with a new e-mail adress and use it in a different browser (FB loves introducing you as "people you might know" to people you perhaps don't want to know). Friend people who are in the same gym/knitting club/gardening club/... and who play silly games. When you have 30 silly gaming friends, friend her possible friends and colleagues.

Good chance, all of a sudden you find quite a bit more on FB. If you pick the right "friends", is won't cost you a lot of time.

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Originally Posted By: goody2shoes
Originally Posted By: TheResilientOne
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: TheResilientOne
[quote=BrainHurts]I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?
Do you have her name? And you have her number? Did you do an online check on her?


Yes, I have her name, number, and address. She is a ghost online, no social media, nada. I found one pic on FB, but she wasn't tagged, he showed me.

See if you can find more. Lots of people like their gym/dentist/pet's hairdresser/dog walker/local grocery store on FB. If you are a friend of a friend, you can see more on FB than if you are not connected.

If you google "her name" and "site:facebook.com", you might find FB connections. Same search words for images. You might find FB friends of hers this way.

Create a new FB account with a new e-mail adress and use it in a different browser (FB loves introducing you as "people you might know" to people you perhaps don't want to know). Friend people who are in the same gym/knitting club/gardening club/... and who play silly games. When you have 30 silly gaming friends, friend her possible friends and colleagues.

Good chance, all of a sudden you find quite a bit more on FB. If you pick the right "friends", is won't cost you a lot of time.


Sorry, I wasn't very clear, it's not that I couldn't find her on FB, she is not on FB (neither is my H). It is quite common here for military people to not have social media at all. If my H wants to look someone up, he just uses mine. I am trying other social media platforms, but also, around here, people tend to use a name that is not exactly their name to avoid people adding them that they don't want.

The huge thread on FR, was very good though! I had said most of those things to him... I do know that I am lucky enough to not have to worry about finances. I will go immediately to Plan B at the first sign of any contact, I can see enough from others losses on here that it will kill me slowly if I don't take back some control. BTW, that is one of the major things that both attracted him to me, and ultimately became the thing about me he doesn't like; my take charge attitude.

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I am guessing that you are here in Canada - based on the reference to km, I will speak with a friend of mine tonight (an MP) about the Military view of a member having an affair with a married civilian man, but my memory of Canadian Military Justice (from a long time ago) is that it isn't treated the same as it is in the US. An affair between an enlisted and an officer, or members serving together - a problem. But when one of the people is a member, and one isn't - not much of an issue (I could be wrong though). One being an MP, the other a civilian officer -that might have some leverage.

Also, on the moving front, there are only a few places in Canada (assuming I am correct) where you have city police, and MPs interacting - those places where a fair sized base is located close to a city (Ottawa, Edmonton, Toronto, Calgary, Halifax, Vancouver...a few others) The OW could fairly easily get a transfer to another base, and not knowing your work, but your husband could transfer to other police force in the country, or province, if he happens to be part of either of the provincial (OPP, SQP (discounting as I see no sign of French in your post)) or the RCMP a transfer would be possible - Ontario, and Quebec are large enough that you could move outside of easy contact distance without loosing any seniority etc. If a member of the RCMP - the whole country is open. If he is a member of a city service, not so easy, but my understanding is that most police forces are hiring.

Good luck.

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Beware comments from foggy waywards. My husband made all kinds of comments about my personality traits. He hated that we had a planned ski vacation where I had made all the arrangements. The real reason he hated it was because he was out of communication from OW for a period of 10 days. If your husband really doesn't like your "take charge" attitude, read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement. However, know that it does not apply to the affair. Imagine if every wayward could use POJA to conduct their affair.

I think it is highly unusual that OW has no obvious friends or family. I'll ask again how you know she is not married. Did your husband tell you that or do you know independently?

AM


Last edited by armymama; 06/29/17 11:00 AM.

BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: TheResilientOne
Originally Posted By: armymama
You have made a huge mistake in telling your husband about this site. Read the "False Recovery" thread to understand what happens when a betrayed spouse prematurely trusts their wayward husband/wife. .


I didn't tell him about the site, he saw it on my phone. I thought I was not supposed to hide things, but maybe some things?
There are 200 threads with false recovery, can you please link me to it?
Thanks for all the help.


You also need to protect yourself. You don't have to tell him your strategy.

Did ask to see your phone?

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You need to change his number, other contact info, and download your own keylogger on his device. You also need to get a GPS device on his car.

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TheResilientOne,

Sorry, I did not see my buddy last week as I expected, but I did last night and asked him about MPs and Civilian Police Officers (again I am going on the assumption that you are in Canada).

As I asked the general question, he looked at me and said "Cr*******k" (there could have been an s on the end of the name - and not sure of the exact spelling -but this lets you know if we are talking about the same person).

Assuming I am right on the country, and we live near each other (across the river for my part - he (my buddy, his friend, and the OW) work on your side of the river) then the OW's former fiance is a buddy of his - he told me that her fiance - also an MP has left her, sold the house, and wants nothing to do with her.

Again this is going on assumptions on my part - but if you are in this country then the chances are that this is the same situation. The community of MPs here is about 900. Of those there are only about 50 female, and most of those 50 are not interested in men (sorry not sure the most PC way to say that). On top of that my buddy knows that the female MP in question was/is having an affair with a city officer.

On to the initial question- my buddy initially told me that there is nothing against the situation under the National Defence Act - other than it being a series of bad (stupid was the actual word) choices. Even trying conduct unbecoming the OW could argue that she has the right to associate with whomever she wishes (a Charter right). He will double check today though just to be sure. I expect to talk to him tomorrow night.

Sorry, this wasn't better news.

If I am correct, and we are talking about the same people do you want me to see if the OWs former partner is willing to share information? If so I believe the Mods can make a connection to exchange information - I don't know if the OWs Partner will or not - but if you like I can ask...

Good luck.

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Originally Posted By: Allan_Tweed
TheResilientOne,

Sorry, I did not see my buddy last week as I expected, but I did last night and asked him about MPs and Civilian Police Officers (again I am going on the assumption that you are in Canada).

As I asked the general question, he looked at me and said "Cr*******k" (there could have been an s on the end of the name - and not sure of the exact spelling -but this lets you know if we are talking about the same person).

Assuming I am right on the country, and we live near each other (across the river for my part - he (my buddy, his friend, and the OW) work on your side of the river) then the OW's former fiance is a buddy of his - he told me that her fiance - also an MP has left her, sold the house, and wants nothing to do with her.

Again this is going on assumptions on my part - but if you are in this country then the chances are that this is the same situation. The community of MPs here is about 900. Of those there are only about 50 female, and most of those 50 are not interested in men (sorry not sure the most PC way to say that). On top of that my buddy knows that the female MP in question was/is having an affair with a city officer.

On to the initial question- my buddy initially told me that there is nothing against the situation under the National Defence Act - other than it being a series of bad (stupid was the actual word) choices. Even trying conduct unbecoming the OW could argue that she has the right to associate with whomever she wishes (a Charter right). He will double check today though just to be sure. I expect to talk to him tomorrow night.

Sorry, this wasn't better news.

If I am correct, and we are talking about the same people do you want me to see if the OWs former partner is willing to share information? If so I believe the Mods can make a connection to exchange information - I don't know if the OWs Partner will or not - but if you like I can ask...

Good luck.


You have me super intrigued, and even though the name spelling is mostly blocked out, I would like to know more. I really wish this was my situation, but where I live is not "across the river" from anywhere... And the community of MPs here is no where close to 900! But, I would like to be able to exchange info just in case, so the OWs partner (I don't think there is one in my case). How can we do that?

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Ok, Sorry, the 900 MPs is for all of Canada thus there about 50 female MPs in Canada, and many of them would not be interested in another persons husband...

Do the first and last letters (Cr and K (or Ks) match the first and last of the OW? Or it could actually be the OWs former partner - just thought of that-sorry not as helpful.

The term across the river refers to the Ottawa river, I was using it quite loosely as you could live an hour from the river, but it serves for location.

If that makes it clear where I am, and if we are then close to the same community such that this is possibly the same situation, the mods (I believe) can get your contact information to me, I will talk to my buddy, and see if he will pass it on to the OWs former fiance. It would be completely up to him if he wanted to contact you - if you explain that you are trying to save your marriage, and one of the steps to do this is the exposure (MelodyLane's link) to the OWs family etc and how this usually helps end affairs....
If I am wrong on the assumptions - i.e. you are not in Canada, or not in the area that Bono visited this week-end (and Prince Charles and Cam) (hints) then we aren't talking about the same people - which is statistically possible but in Canada very unlikely.

In any event I wish you luck and all the best.

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Originally Posted By: Allan_Tweed
Ok, Sorry, the 900 MPs is for all of Canada thus there about 50 female MPs in Canada, and many of them would not be interested in another persons husband...

Do the first and last letters (Cr and K (or Ks) match the first and last of the OW? Or it could actually be the OWs former partner - just thought of that-sorry not as helpful.

The term across the river refers to the Ottawa river, I was using it quite loosely as you could live an hour from the river, but it serves for location.

If that makes it clear where I am, and if we are then close to the same community such that this is possibly the same situation, the mods (I believe) can get your contact information to me, I will talk to my buddy, and see if he will pass it on to the OWs former fiance. It would be completely up to him if he wanted to contact you - if you explain that you are trying to save your marriage, and one of the steps to do this is the exposure (MelodyLane's link) to the OWs family etc and how this usually helps end affairs....
If I am wrong on the assumptions - i.e. you are not in Canada, or not in the area that Bono visited this week-end (and Prince Charles and Cam) (hints) then we aren't talking about the same people - which is statistically possible but in Canada very unlikely.

In any event I wish you luck and all the best.



LOL, I did totally get where you were, I was just sad that I now know you weren't talking about my situation ( I am in the city you guessed at earlier that is quite East).

The name you mention with the letters were shocking because I think the OW you are thinking of may have MY first name (there are not THAT many names that start with those letters...)!

My OW does have a child, and is (most likely, can't confirm) divorced, as her Ex is likely still in the military town in Ont that starts with a K...

I am laughing about how you speak about those 50 women in this job that wouldn't be interested in my H, gave me a chuckle, as it is quite true.

I have been working through the covert information, and I am quite confident that it didn't get as far as a PA (not that it matters). She seemed to be pressing for more, and he blew it all up with his crazy odd body language with me, and i just knew, and called him on it.

I also have spyware on his phone and in his car, and there doesn't appear to be any contact from him (he already blocked her, and changed his number). He has been deeply engaged and happy at home with me and the kids, which somehow makes me uneasy. I doubt everything he does and says, which I assume is normal.

I am just living with a nightmare right now, and am trying to work my way through this. I appreciate all your help, and it is nice to have someone from my own country offer assistance.

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Ok, I don't have (or don't know that I do) any contacts out there. My recommendation is to follow ML's and others advice, I wish I had been able to expose, and now it is possibly too late.

And not that it matters the letters are the first letter(s) and last letter(s) of the family name - no idea on the first.

I have posted some tips on using google searches, and FB to find people - didn't work for me to locate the OW. Check out the Operation Investigation boards.

I will talk to my buddy tonight - let him know that it is in a different community - wow the odds - and see if he might have some contacts out there - after all it is a small community - and you are in an even smaller one than here. Good luck.



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I just took a look - the way DND is in your city it looks like the two organizations probably interact alot. This means that they probably will run into each other again - unless she transfers - odd that with a child DND would post the parents so far apart. In her trade she could easily be posted to K-town, or even here - it would be much easier for visitation. If you know where her ex is, look him up - he may help you get names of her family and friends.

I just realized that we recently had a former Officer from your city join our organization. He moved across the 100th meridian though. So if you do consider moving, suggest to your H not to restrict his search to just traditional police forces. We take a lot of them - a few former military as well - but no MPs.

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There can be a bit of interaction in their jobs, and that is a big concern for me, obviously. he has told me that he will not answer any MP calls anymore (but that is worth less than nothing).

I am a master at Google, and somehow have found her sister on FB. I know that I have to expose, but am not sure how. Her sister is a war widow, and lives in the largest ARMY base in my area; a base I am very well aware of (my son was born there, I was conceived there etc).

Any pointers on how to address this to her?

Ironically, I was more prepared to be in her sister's shoes mentally, than the ones I am currently wearing...

According to H, the OWs ex was PTSD, and abusive, so she transferred to get away after the divorce. I have a strong feeling since she has been NC, that she will end up at the base near her sister, or in Alta.

I am thinking of the moving, and am very conflicted. I have spent my ENTIRE life moving ( I was born on another Continent), and I just built a house in this city to try to put down some roots for my kids. I know H would be able to find work in your fair province as he is well revered in both his careers, I have been fighting my whole career to avoid your fair Province wink I am struggling with my job, as it is a very good job, and I will not likely be able to transfer ( I have been checking). I feel that I am able to be so strong in this because I could live relatively well on my own, if he contacts her ever again. If I gave that away by moving, i would feel EXTREMELY vulnerable. How do i resolve that fear?


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Ok,I ended up here not by choice - WW pulled me here. When we met she refused to leave.
I still struggle with the second language.

I get that you are trying to be delicate with OWs sister - I would ask those who have succeeded at exposure - there are example letters here that can be used and modified.

Also - sorry you can't trust what your H told you - the PTSD and abuse could be just lies from her (sympathy from your H) or a way to discourage you from reaching out to him.

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