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For 5 years my husband has contacted his ex against my wishes. His excuse-she lives with his 39 yr old alcoholic daughter. After investigating i discovered monthly contact. After he finally told her no more contact she sent another text saying her text was more important than my feelings. I left for 2 weeks and there has been no more contact between those two. Problem is 1 daughter says i am out of line and 2nd daughter sends group texts to ex, my husband & siblings, in addition to excluding me from the text. He justs wants me to ignore these group texts. Ex is still single and they consider themselves "friends" My husband refuses to do anything about these group texts about warm, fuzzy family history. Should i just tell her myself to stop? I do think the ex will rally her 2 daughters against me.

#2 i don't think the stepkids know about their parents frequent contact. Should this be treated like exposure of affair, meaning to tell our families and pastor? No parents or jobs. I am not friends or enemies of stepkids at thjis time. Should they be a part of exposure?

Last edited by brenda777; 06/30/17 11:23 PM.

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I read through your first thread, which died rather quickly. There is amazing help to be had on this forum, so I hope you'll keep posting.

Having read it through, it seems clear that the problem is not the ex wife, nor either of the two daughters - it is your husband.

First, he made a promise to you about "no contact", which it is obvious that he ad no intention of keeping. He must have had that level of contact with his ex before he married you, and he seems to have simply said what you wanted him to say, while carrying on just as before, and hiding this from you.

Before you told us about this recent incident with the other daughter, we told you that your husband needs to go no contact with his ex, and to have the problem daughter contact him when she needs to. I would reinforce that advice; there is no need for him to keep in contact with his ex in order to get updates on his daughter. They can speak to each other directly, even if she is an alcoholic. The other daughter could also contact you if an emergency arose. There is no need for their mother to be in contact at all. Your husband was maintaining that contact because he wanted it.

As MelodyLane said, "I would ask him to stop all contact and if he won't, then plan to separate. Anything that comes before your marriage will eventually come between you and that is where you are headed now. "

You did separate, but we don't know what conditions you required him to make in order for you to go back, and how he was able to prove that those conditions were being met. How can you be certain that there is no contact with the ex?

With this latest turn of events, the onus lies with your husband to tell his daughters that any texts, or other kinds of messages, must be sent to you both, and that he must not be included on the family group updates. Ever since he married you, he should have been treating you as his priority, and your feelings as paramount. If there is any part of his conduct with other people that you dislike, you should not have to beg for change, or go directly to those people and ask them to change, as you've suggested here.

There is no need to expose the contact between him and his ex, as if this was a quasi-affair. The behaviour is wrong because it hurts you, and for that reason alone, your husband should be eager to stop it. If you were exposing a real affair, you would get support and understanding from people like the pastor. However, it's more likely that they will see the frequent contact between two people who used to be married, who have children in common, one of whom has a chronic condition, as perfectly reasonable.I'm not sure you'd get the support of the wider community, and I don't think you need it. All you need is the support of your husband, and if he won't give this willingly and completely, then you've got a bigger problem on your hands than his ex and his daughters. You've got a husband that will put those people before you, and as you know, nobody should come before you in the marriage.

The procedure should be for you to ask him how he would feel about having his daughters contact him directly, copying you into any texts, and not bad-mouthing you in any way to him. Ask him how he would feel about putting the phone down on any conversation that describes you as "out of line", or that criticises you in any way. Ask him how he would feel about cutting contact with them unless and until their behaviour towards you changes. Tell him that these are things that you would like him to do, but be careful not to use demands when you speak to him, and don't threaten to leave. You do not want him to make those changes as the result of a demand - of fear that the consequences for him will not be pleasant if he does not comply. You are really trying to find out whether he is a man that is safe for you to have married, and to remain married to. If he is not, you can make a decision about how you want to live from today onwards.

If he won't willingly and readily do all of those things, then you need to go back to the advice that MelodyLane gave in your last thread, and separate from him. You don't have a marriage if he is allowing others to speak about you badly to him, and if he is putting his ex wife's needs above yours. And the next time you separate, it needs to be done in such a way that it can become permanent if need be. It shouldn't be seen as a two-week break; it should be treated as the potential ending of your marriage, although it is to be hoped that it won't be. If you want to reconcile, you need to see evidence of real and permanent changes in the way he treats you, and it is unlikely that you will see that within two weeks.

Did you ever write to Dr Harley? You said you would. There is no better source of advice, and it's free. If you can get your husband to talk to him on the radio show, that would have a great effect on him, but even if you can't, and if you don't want to go on the radio show yourself, Dr Harley will email with you to coach you along, for as long as you need it - free. Please write to him today.


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SugarCane,
When Melody responded to my first message I believed everything she said, I also implemented everything, including email to the Harleys.

This issue has been ongoing our entire marriage. I complain, he does what he wants, thinking I just don't understand what it is like to deal with a suicidal drunk daughter. He is right, I can't really empathize.

The entire family is done with the alcoholic drama except for the enabling ex. When his daughter is on a drunk, she will not answer his calls or texts for months so he panics. I believe it is a matter of time before he slips and just feels entitled to find out what is going on.

We travel in retirement. I drove 600 miles for the separation and then it was time to visit my son near where my husband was staying. This is why I saw him and calmly told him he had to choose between us. He chose me. This was at the end of May. The activity on my June phone bill shows no texts or calls between them, we are 2,000 miles from ex so he hasn't visited. I have facebook access too. The only other thing I know I could do is to retrieve old texts he has deleted, but I already have a pattern so it seems unnecessary.

It is true that he carried his communication style with his ex from his single years into our marriage. Before we married I gave him "HEDGES: Loving Your Marriage Enough To Protect It" and insisted that we both stop all communication with former people we had dated or been married to. He agreed and I kept my promise.

I don't really think he has been physical with his ex, but both of them have expressed their friendship closeness. She compliments his appearance, asks for honey do list and he admires her. It is very unnerving to think they still have tender feelings towards each other because of their 29 year marriage and history with their family. He was divorced for 11 years before I met him.

part of my problem is that I was married the first time to a serial cheater, 8 affairs in 34 years of marriage and I called it quits because he would not do therapy. I waited 5 years before dating again and my therapist said I no longer needed his help.

HONESTY AND OPENNESS IS MY #1 NEED

I actually panic when my second husband deceives me because I went through so much the first marriage. I live in a constant state of anxiety because there are other issues with my second husband. He is controlling, bossy, and always trying to convince me that his way is better. He tells me I do a lot of things wrong, unsafe, inefficIent, etc.

My father noticed and said "he's a controller, isn't he?". This is from a father who would never try to control other people. One of my husband's friends asked him why he needed to intimidate people (he does this a lot if he feels slighted). I get really embarrassed when he gets belligerent towards employees in a restaurant or store.

The main reason we started looking at marriage builders is because of sex. Sex in my first marriage was very fulfilling and my #2 need. Sex in this second marriage has been a total failure. It has caused me to develop a sexual aversion to my second husband. Dr. Harley writes about steps to change this aversion, and all I can think is that it won't do me any good to spend a lot of time trying to "fix me" through extinguishing negative feelings if his behavior and technique do not change.

I really hoped that we could come to enthusiastic agreement with the ex and then work on the other issues. So there is a lot more to my marriage conflict than just contact with the ex. And I am not easy to live with either. I am disrespectful and have angry outbursts. I am one of those people like Joyce who has a tendency to react quickly and feel flooded with emotion. Just a reason, not an excuse. I have listened to many hours of the radio archives as we travel.

Today things escalated because he got his way again even though I told him that we should do nothing about a decision until we had enthusiastic agreement. At least now I can put labels on what is happening.

I really respect people who make the effort to turn around their marriages. I am 64 and worried about the effects of this stress on my health. It actually seems easier and healthier to bail than spend my golden years hoping for change. Not a healthy attitude but an honest one.





brenda777
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Have you read this and listened to the radio clips to work on your AOs? Anger Management 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You've told us a lot more about your marriage, but you haven't commented on the recommendation to put your wishes to your husband, without threatening or making demands, and then to separate. Are you willing to do this?

You need to make plans if you are going to separate. Where will you live, on a long-term basis - or will you ask him to leave? I see you've been travelling in your motorhome for a long time; do you intend to maintain that lifestyle when you are alone?

Did Dr Harley reply to you? What did he say?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
You've told us a lot more about your marriage, but you haven't commented on the recommendation to put your wishes to your husband, without threatening or making demands, and then to separate. Are you willing to do this?

Brenda?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks, I just downloaded all 4 clips.


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Sugar Cane,
To answer your questions.

You've told us a lot more about your marriage, but you haven't commented on the recommendation to put your wishes to your husband, without threatening or making demands, and then to separate. Are you willing to do this?

I made myself clear about the exwife communication, he agreed and I am not seeing any more texts or calls except the group one from his daughter. For me a separation is easy to do both physically and emotionally. I am going to really work on these anger management clips and get myself into a better place emotionally.

You need to make plans if you are going to separate. Where will you live, on a long-term basis - or will you ask him to leave? I see you've been travelling in your motorhome for a long time; do you intend to maintain that lifestyle when you are alone?


I am fortunate that I have planned ahead and have my choice of 2 apartments I could go to. I saw us spiraling down and set up these options. I can be at either place as long as I want. We also have 2 motorhomes and 3 cars. If we divorce I would continue to fulltime rv.

Did Dr Harley reply to you? What did he say?

He has not replied. With all the emails he gets, I don't know how he'd ever get to everyone. I think I am getting good advice here. I have the radio archive membership and have downloaded many of the radio programs to listen to them as much as possible. He gives so much good advice.

Last edited by brenda777; 07/01/17 09:27 PM.

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Melody,
Yes Melody this is brenda777 that you replied to about a month ago. I did what you told me and I appreciate your help.


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Are you going to talk to your husband about his daughters?


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SugarCane,
He said he wanted to contact his daughters.


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Originally Posted by brenda777
SugarCane,
He said he wanted to contact his daughters.
Is he going to stop contacting his XW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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BrainHurts,
According to my extraordinary precautions, he has not had communication for the month of June. he has promised not to contact her ever again, but under stress, he may very well break that promise.


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Originally Posted by brenda777
BrainHurts,
According to my extraordinary precautions, he has not had communication for the month of June. he has promised not to contact her ever again, but under stress, he may very well break that promise.
Do you have spyware on his deavices to know if he does or not?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



#2900551 07/07/17 08:44 PM
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Need ideas.

We are volunteering in a remote location. There are no movie theatres (not even a redbox), no bowling, etc. I have a problem walking so hiking is out and I have an infection that would make swimming in a lake dangerous for me. Internet is limited and sketchy. One big limitation is we work here 7 days a week so we can't just take off for a few days or drive a couple hundred miles for an event. At 5:00 we are done, eat and then wonder what we can do. We have been for 2 country drives close by. The only thing my husband saw he'd like to do is a bar and I don't drink alcohol. I also feel uncomfortable hanging around mostly men drinking after work. Husband understands this. Our time here ends Aug 19.

Maybe someone here has some good ideas until we return to cities?


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Nobody knows what you might enjoy but here are some things we have done recently;

Learn to play croquet using dvds and play the game in the evenings.

Explore and discuss holiday ideas using maps and books.

Read and then discuss some interesting literature, last lot was English Romantics. Before that we had a great time with a specific economic history book.

Discuss current affairs. Our views are very different!


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
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We are rural low-tech too. We're not heavy readers & find that any in-depth discussion of news/books/movies causes polarity/distance between us, so we fare better when we keep it light... we play cards often (Pitch, Cribbage, etc), on porch, in livingroom, even sitting up in bed. Jigsaw puzzles are relaxing & allow for talk time. Board games are fun, especially if you look for ones you remember playing earlier in life. "Risk" is a fav for us, who doesn't love total world domination? haha (We borrow free puzzles & board games from our town library.) If you don't have access there, think of games you can "make", like Checkers where you draw the board yourself & pennies are red, nickles are black? Cornhole is a fav lawn game.

Other ideas:
Trade back/shoulder/foot/hand massage time?
A simple craft kit you can do together, like assembly of a model... lots of choices: famous buildings, war planes, clipper ships or vintage cars? Build & paint a kit birdhouse or feeder?
You can mail-order these items, if you can get internet service long enough.


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Combined threads, please stick to your thread.


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by brenda777
BrainHurts,
According to my extraordinary precautions, he has not had communication for the month of June. he has promised not to contact her ever again, but under stress, he may very well break that promise.
Do you have spyware on his devices to know if he does or not?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Does anyone just not care? When we are making plans for undivided attention 15 hours a week i do not feel enthusiastic regardless what we plan. We then decide to do it anyway because we don't know what else to do.

No wonder it fails and i care even less. It has been a very long and stressful 5 years with him. I am always stressed and i don't know how to deal with this.


brenda777
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