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Joined: Feb 2017
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rj2003 Offline OP
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Back story: married for 13 years we have 8 children ages, one is a newborn. We have been separated several times but never properly to deal with the ongoing issues. Husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive, also withholds affection and physical intimacy. Supposedly he does not look at porn anymore and hasn't in a long time. He is highly addictive and OCD so he fills that void with other things that look relatively harmless on the surface but it is just a more acceptable addiction. Now for my question. I want to separate for the purpose of reconciliation, I can't take it anymore. However, my husband doesn't want to separate. Truth be told, he doesn't want to follow through with anything, counseling, accountability, and now mocks me about how abused I am. He basically blames his behavior on me. I am working on a plan for separation and trying to figure out what to do if he refuses to leave. I am thinking about filing a legal separation this time, which was advised the last two times we separated but because I don't want to divorce I didn't do that, afraid it would lead to divorce. Should I file legally? Should I remove his keys to the hous and make it so he can't come in if he refuses to leave on his own? And how do you deal with the angry kids who don't understand the necessity of the divorce??

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Women with OCD most often still make a good wife, whereas men with OCD tend to be controlling and sometimes abusive.

Several times I heard on the radio show very good advice for women with a husband who has OCD. You might want to mail your question to the radio show:
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

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RJ, I'm in the thick of things myself, so I may not have good answers. Instead, let me phrase some questions to you about this situation.

1) You say the previous separations weren't to work out problems, so were they to see other people? Either way, why did you reconcile if the problems were still there? You don't have to answer me, I'm giving questions to feed thoughts.

2) If his needs are being met, why would he want to leave?

Learning to ask for your own needs may be difficult, but there are good resources on this website to help you get started. I'm starting with the questionnaire regarding his needs/her needs. It's a good place to start, I think.

You have a lot going on and a lot to consider. It sounds as if you've had enough and are ready to be proactive. This website is great for helping you learn how to do that and stay on task. Whether that task is 'fixing' your marriage or deciding that it's time to end it.

I hope some of the wise ones on this site answer, too. I'm just another lost wife searching for answers myself.

About filing for a legal separation, don't waste your money if you aren't ready to accept that divorce may be the only answer for you and your husband.


ME:50 HIM:53
MARRIED: 13 YRS, DATED 4 MONTHS PRIOR
HIS 2 KIDS: 30 & 25
OUR CHILD: 9
MOVING OUT & FILING FOR SEPARATION ??/??/??
Joined: Aug 2008
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I am married to a man who is diagnosed with OCD and while I definitely understand the stress OCD can cause in a marriage due to its impact on one's ability to meet needs and successfully POJA, I'm frankly more concerned about the verbal and emotional abuse, which I'm sure are full of disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts.

I know that you say you want to file for legal separation with the goal of reconciling, but if it were me, I would likely file for legal separation, write a loving letter outlining the things you need from him in order to continue the marriage (counseling for his OCD being one of them), give him the contact information for your IM, and go into Plan B. I know Plan B is geared toward women whose husbands have cheated, but I think it would be equally beneficial for women who have suffered abuse. If you are in Plan B, then you won't need to be privy to the angry outburst that will inevitably happen when he finds out he's been served. If he REALLY doesn't want to separate, he will take the steps necessary to change (and he doesn't need to be living in the house while doing this--he's a big boy and can do them on his own). But if he's just looking to blame you for his issues and mock you, then he will not change and you'll be shielded from the manipulation.

I'm not a MB expert--just a wife who came across this site and Dr. Harley's books when trying to navigate through my husband's OCD.

Joined: Sep 2008
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Did you notice that the thread starter posted only once, in February?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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