Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
G
gil2338 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
I am 7 weeks in from DDay. The first 5 weeks I was so lost and emotional. Yes I did the begging and pleading, crying, trying to talk. My world was upside down. I finally caught my head. We were together for 12 years married for 4.5 of them. We also have 1 child. So I found out that my wife had an affair after pulling the truth out of her. It was EA then sexting then physical. We had a rut for 2 years. I can only suspect she had the affair for that long. I told friends and family. Her affair partner was a person I know. He lives an hour away. There is part of me that wants to make us work and another part that says [censored] her. Well after her being on the fence she decided to jump ship. She is now pusing for the divorce. She wants to lie to judges to get what she wants. I have a lawyer Im filing to try and hold out. Im not going to lie to any judge no matter what. I have a feeling that she brought my child to his apt after find out she has logged into my facebook from his city on a laptop that I know had my credentials. She doesn't know I have a lawyer. She will have to wait 10 months to do anything and I will hope my lawyer can set a rule that my daughter can not be around Affair partner. We will see. I am limiting contact with her. Trying to be short and try the 180 deal. This dude (BIFF just like back to the future) is a real piece of work. He cheated on his wife now divorced. Then hit up a married woman, then tried to talk dirty to his best friends girlfriend. Now he has my wife. Im so sick of this. Part of me wants to let her go to fail...lol Part of me is worried for my child. I have to hope the affair ends soon but doesn't seem to be and I do not know how long it has been going on. Im just lost. I have to say one thing. I am grateful for this because i know where I personally went wrong. I was a weak person that placed all my trust on her over me. I valued her more than myself. Dumb I know. I gave too much. She left the house and the car we share my daughter 50/50.
I just don't know what else to do. Once the paper work is signed I figured I would call her and tell her I am filing and she will have to wait. I know she will be pissed. I want to save my family, but I also can't believe this either. IF she does comeback she may still cheat. I don't want to set myself up for failure.
She is lying to people, her other friends have blocked contact with me. She told family that some close friends knew she was going to leave me and that was a lie. help..
What do I NEED TO DO!

Last edited by gil2338; 09/11/17 10:12 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by gil2338
. We will see. I am limiting contact with her. Trying to be short and try the 180 deal.

Hi Gil, welcome to Marriage Builders. You will quickly learn that our plan is the complete opposite of Divorce Busters because we don't think DB works. Being short and withdrawn with a woman does not attract her back, it gives her justification for her affair and makes the OM look MORE attractive. The OM is not being short with her after all.

Our suggestion is to follow Plan A which means to compete for her and make yourself the most attractive safe landing as her affair crumbles. The OM is a rotten guy who will likely eventually dump her. If you expose the affair to his side, you will cause major conflict in the affair which might help move things along.

Who is this guy? Do you know where he works? How did she meet him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
G
gil2338 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
Competing for her drives her further away. They met because of me, he helped with my events He is divorced because he cheated.
They would chat on snapchat or social media. He even tried to talk dirty to his best friends girlfriend. He is a truck driver for bluebell and washes cars on the weekend. Im a sr.ITspecialist but i have more drive than this dude. It just kills me how this can happened. She only wants to talk about our daughter and the divorce. She left everything behind, dogs her car. Everything.

Last edited by gil2338; 09/12/17 03:37 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by gil2338
Competing for her drives her further away.

Competing for her will win her back. You just have to stay with it. At first she will reject you, but you have to be patient. As her affair crumbles she will remember that you fought for her. If you don't, she will just move on after her affair dies.

Quote
They met because of me, he helped with my events He is divorced because he cheated.

Is he divorced because of this affair? Do you know for a fact he is divorced or is this a story he has told? Many cheaters lie about this.

Also, you should expose the affair to his friends and family. Does he have a facebook page? He won't likely hang around too long if you make life hard for him, ie: exposure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Keep in mind that you have a whole lot more going for you than him. He is a faithless rat who will dump her at the first sign of trouble. He doesn't really care about her and that will start coming through soon enough. If you are there meeting her needs and being a caring guy, you can outshine him. You have a huge advantage here and need to use it.

Using the cold shoulder approach with a woman does not work. It is a huge turn off, especially to a woman who is already checked out. That can work with guys because they love to compete and chase, but NOT WOMEN.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
G
gil2338 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
Yes they were divorce because of his affair. WS believes that he just received a dirty picture which causes the affair, but the fact is it was physical. His Ex best friend told me after finding out that he tried to talk dirty to his girlfriend. I exposed it to all his friends that I know. He does have facebook which I am not a friend.

Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
G
gil2338 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
So how can I do that if she is not around nor does not want to talk about anything else than the divorce and our daughter? She still trying to keep her affair a secret in her head, because she doesn't talk to her family about it. Her family said its obvious that she is talking to someone on the phone. I know deep down in my heart that its him. She started following him again on Instagram for one. 2nd she logged into my facebook from the city he was in. We don't know anyone else there and why else would be pushing to get the divorce done.

Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
G
gil2338 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
This marriage had issues and we became disconnected. I still love her, but I lost myself in the marriage. I made my life about hers. Im at the point where im trying to find myself. know who I am. This experience has made me more present with my wants and needs, which were completely ignored. Not sure if that is normal feeling after something like this.
If I win her back how would things change? She told me she doesn't find me attractive nor does she love me. I want to connect with her, but her emotional walls are up.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by gil2338
So how can I do that if she is not around nor does not want to talk about anything else than the divorce and our daughter? She still trying to keep her affair a secret in her head, because she doesn't talk to her family about it. Her family said its obvious that she is talking to someone on the phone. I know deep down in my heart that its him.

Did you expose the affair to her family and friends? And did they speak to her about it? Please read the Exposure 101 thread in my signature and see if you missed any steps.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by gil2338
This marriage had issues and we became disconnected. I still love her, but I lost myself in the marriage. I made my life about hers. Im at the point where im trying to find myself. know who I am. This experience has made me more present with my wants and needs, which were completely ignored. Not sure if that is normal feeling after something like this.
If I win her back how would things change? She told me she doesn't find me attractive nor does she love me. I want to connect with her, but her emotional walls are up.

We would teach you how to change your marriage. But first you have to work on winning her back. Look for opportunities to meet her needs and reach out to her. Don't give her the cold shoulder. Don't be needy but work on being as attractive as possible.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by gil2338
She still trying to keep her affair a secret in her head, because she doesn't talk to her family about it.

But how can she keep this a secret in her head if the affair has been exposed? You said in your initial post the affair was exposed. Are friends and family speaking to her about it?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,446
Likes: 8
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,446
Likes: 8
What does "Mia Carrera" mean? It's in your signature.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Is that Mia Carrera the comic book character?

Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
G
gil2338 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
Mia Carrera is my daughter.

Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
G
gil2338 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
Yes her family and mutual friends know. She is confiding to a cheater anyway. Her family tried talking to her about it, but she refuses to talk to anyone about it. She stays hidden in her room.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,320
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by gil2338
Yes her family and mutual friends know. She is confiding to a cheater anyway. Her family tried talking to her about it, but she refuses to talk to anyone about it. She stays hidden in her room.
Who on OM''s side did you expose to?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,446
Likes: 8
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,446
Likes: 8
Originally Posted by gil2338
Mia Carrera is my daughter.
Are you having a laugh with us?

Why would someone genuinely seeking help with an affair put their daughter's name in their signature? Do you want your daughter to be stalked by perverts?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
G
gil2338 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by gil2338
Mia Carrera is my daughter.
Are you having a laugh with us?

Why would someone genuinely seeking help with an affair put their daughter's name in their signature? Do you want your daughter to be stalked by perverts?

For some odd reason it added it to my signature not sure how to remove it.

Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
G
gil2338 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Who on OM''s side did you expose to?

Friends.

Family and friends of both parties are supporting both of us and not talking to the wife about the affair. They pretty much said its our business, but if we need to talk we can.

We had issues for 2 to almost 3 years, Never realized how codependent I was. I am better now. I want to reconcile for what we had, and for my family. I want to know if we can reconnect, but I am afraid we cannot. Its too late, im sure.
I have a feeling when the affair is over she may try to return. How do I know she will return for me and not the security I provide.

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,432
Are you interested in trying the Marriage Builders program or not? Many of us can testify from personal experience that it works, and we will be more than happy to walk you through it. But if your idea is to use us as some kind of soundboard to construct your own hybrid plan, that will not work.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 33 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Almak, A3W, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT
71,702 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,697
Members71,702
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5