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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by SusieQ
And in the case of my ex WH, the more difficult things got for him - the more he seems to retreat into his entitled, woe is me, victim mentality. I don't think that's an uncommon thing for serial cheaters.


Same here, mine is in breach of contract for failing to divide the marital assets. Somehow that has become my fault. He has convinced himself that I have hidden the assets that he took offshore. You cannot make this stuff up.

Hi Living Well, I also get totally gobsmacked with each new fantasy WH creates. I have come to expect it, but it is still amazing to observe it in action. Are you still going through courts now?


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
What they are addicted to is attention from the OS. (I talked to Dr Harley personally about this on the radio show one time)
Dr Harley: It's going to be a real trick getting him to give that up.

Is anyone able to find this radio show that SuzieQ mentions? I would like to add the link to the serial cheaters thread.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Are you still going through courts now?


Yes, unfortunately I am. We were in court yesterday. But the noose is tightening. He expatriated from the US in 2013 on an Irish passport (that he got through me) to abscond with the marital assets that were in his name. Then he discovered that the money he took offshore and put into a trust was not accessible by him either so he has a little cash flow problem. :-)

Moral of the story; when divorcing a serial adulterer, assets are far better than income.


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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Are you still going through courts now?


Yes, unfortunately I am. We were in court yesterday. But the noose is tightening. He expatriated from the US in 2013 on an Irish passport (that he got through me) to abscond with the marital assets that were in his name. Then he discovered that the money he took offshore and put into a trust was not accessible by him either so he has a little cash flow problem. :-)

Moral of the story; when divorcing a serial adulterer, assets are far better than income.

Wow. This gives me a lot to think about!!! I am really happy to hear that you might be making progress though!

Since my WH seems to think he can avoid any consequences by pretending the urgent application against him (and divorce summons) do not exist, and that if he stays in his own country and doesn't contact us he can pretend he has disappeared, I should be able to get a default judgement against him on Tuesday and then a garnishment order 10 days later (assuming he doesn't pay).

The good thing about the urgent application is that it requests immediate payment of two lump sums (one for medical insurance and one for 50% of school fees), in addition to all the legal stuff about guardianship and residency for OC, and that will be a significant amount over and above the regular portion of his income, which he can evade by leaving his current job.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I should be able to get a default judgement against him on Tuesday and then a garnishment order 10 days later (assuming he doesn't pay).

He won't. Payment would be an admission on his part that he created this mess.

Originally Posted by chalkncheese
The good thing about the urgent application is that it requests immediate payment of two lump sums (one for medical insurance and one for 50% of school fees), in addition to all the legal stuff about guardianship and residency for OC, and that will be a significant amount over and above the regular portion of his income, which he can evade by leaving his current job.


My XWH colluded with his employer to use an obviously forged signature of mine to take marital assets that were in my name. They also agreed to pay him through a Delaware LLP.


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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Originally Posted by SusieQ
What they are addicted to is attention from the OS. (I talked to Dr Harley personally about this on the radio show one time)
Dr Harley: It's going to be a real trick getting him to give that up.

Is anyone able to find this radio show that SuzieQ mentions? I would like to add the link to the serial cheaters thread.
I believe it's already there.


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I was in court yesterday and was granted full parental rights and responsibilities for OC! Hurrah!

WH and OC's mum both have rights to reasonable contact, but they must come to where we live (country not our home) to visit him, arrange visits with me in writing a month in advance, and neither of them are allowed to take him out of this country.

I was also given custody of all the other children with WH having to arrange in writing in advance to see them.

Unfortunately, the judge disputed the urgency of the money stuff, so we will have to make another application to sort that out. But it is still a great achievement, especially now that I have a court order requiring WH to make proper arrangements which will prevent him messing around with time so much. Phew!

And at least now that he has to make written arrangements and provide proof of where he is staying before seeing the kids, I will now always have a way to physically serve him with additional court papers since I will know the address he will be staying at in advance.....

Last edited by chalkncheese; 09/13/17 12:55 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I should be able to get a default judgement against him on Tuesday and then a garnishment order 10 days later (assuming he doesn't pay).

He won't. Payment would be an admission on his part that he created this mess.

Originally Posted by chalkncheese
The good thing about the urgent application is that it requests immediate payment of two lump sums (one for medical insurance and one for 50% of school fees), in addition to all the legal stuff about guardianship and residency for OC, and that will be a significant amount over and above the regular portion of his income, which he can evade by leaving his current job.


My XWH colluded with his employer to use an obviously forged signature of mine to take marital assets that were in my name. They also agreed to pay him through a Delaware LLP.

Thanks Living Well. When I hear your experience, i start to really worry about all the things my WH could do - but it seems like mine is really not the criminal mastermind type. He has totally missed so many opportunities to win against me. Even yesterday, he had the opportunity to dispute the court's jurisdiction over OC since he is not from this country and neither of his biological parents are, but instead he just kept his head in the sand and ignored the fact that the court hearing was happening. So I got the default judgement against him and now he doesn't even have the possibility of appealing that decision.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
Originally Posted by SusieQ
What they are addicted to is attention from the OS. (I talked to Dr Harley personally about this on the radio show one time)
Dr Harley: It's going to be a real trick getting him to give that up.

Is anyone able to find this radio show that SuzieQ mentions? I would like to add the link to the serial cheaters thread.
I believe it's already there.

Thanks SusieQ! I will listen to them again. I find that as I move forward in this journey, I become ready to understand truths that I wasn't able to accept earlier on. It is a process of revelation and understanding about the way serial cheaters are and what I am really dealing with.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I am just working through all the likely consequences of WH and OC's biological mum being served with this court order in my mind - I hadn't really thought about it before now because I was just focused on making sure OC was safe and secure.

But, in my situation, where exposure of the actual affair did not shame WH in the way it might have done because of the cultural acceptance of infidelity in this region (although it definitely had an impact at work), exposure of his loss of control of all of the children - especially in front of OC's mother - is going to be hugely humiliating. I assume OC's mum will work like crazy to spread the news far and wide, especially among his older male relatives (who were involved in negotiating the arrangements for OC's move to us 3 years ago) and she will be raging against WH's failure to be "the man" and inability to control the situation with me.

I have the impression that in my husband's country children are considered as "assets", representing future income and financial security for parents in their old age, as well as a source of status and pride. I have a totally different view of children (which I assume is shared by people where i am from), more as treasures that I want to love, protect and nurture so that they can achieve happiness in their own lives - and that their happiness is my reward. So while, for me, the loss of custody of a child would be very emotionally painful, there is no shame attached. However, I know that WH will feel the loss as an assault on what it means to be a man and the "head" of the family.

I am really glad I live 4000 miles away in a safe place because he is going to be MAD - and the fallout will probably continue for a while.

Last edited by chalkncheese; 09/13/17 04:11 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I am just working through all the likely consequences of WH and OC's biological mum being served with this court order in my mind - I hadn't really thought about it before now because I was just focused on making sure OC was safe and secure.

So pleased you have OC. Will you be able to adopt him eventually? Presume the rest of your children have British passports. To get that his adoption needs to be legal in the UK too. You will need advice when that time comes.

Originally Posted by chalkncheese
exposure of his loss of control of all of the children - especially in front of OC's mother - is going to be hugely humiliating. I assume OC's mum will work like crazy to spread the news far and wide, especially among his older male relatives (who were involved in negotiating the arrangements for OC's move to us 3 years ago) and she will be raging against WH's failure to be "the man" and inability to control the situation with me.

Had you thought about contacting OC's birth mother? Perhaps explain to her that he was a no show at the hearing. That will hopefully prevent your WH from spinning a story of you kidnapping the children. Her support for your position will be super helpful.


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Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by chalkncheese
I am just working through all the likely consequences of WH and OC's biological mum being served with this court order in my mind - I hadn't really thought about it before now because I was just focused on making sure OC was safe and secure.

So pleased you have OC. Will you be able to adopt him eventually? Presume the rest of your children have British passports. To get that his adoption needs to be legal in the UK too. You will need advice when that time comes.

Originally Posted by chalkncheese
exposure of his loss of control of all of the children - especially in front of OC's mother - is going to be hugely humiliating. I assume OC's mum will work like crazy to spread the news far and wide, especially among his older male relatives (who were involved in negotiating the arrangements for OC's move to us 3 years ago) and she will be raging against WH's failure to be "the man" and inability to control the situation with me.

Had you thought about contacting OC's birth mother? Perhaps explain to her that he was a no show at the hearing. That will hopefully prevent your WH from spinning a story of you kidnapping the children. Her support for your position will be super helpful.

Thanks Living Well. Yes, I want to proceed with adoption now that I have parental rights - but it is on the back burner while the divorce proceeds. It was important to get parental rights in the country where we are living because the UK will recognise rulings here, whereas they wouldn't recognise rulings in my husband's country. I have looked into the rules for UK recognition of foreign adoption a bit, and it seems as though if it goes through here, which is a Hague Convention country, he would be entitled to British citizenship by descent as for my other two children who were born outside the UK. The first one was born in the UK so is automatically a citizen. But yes, i will get specific advice when the time comes.

OC's mum is a second respondent on the court order and on the divorce papers. The judge ruled yesterday that all the documents must be translated into her language and sent to her by email, facebook and physically delivered to her address. I didn't contact her in advance because I thought there was very little chance of me being able to persuade her of anything that my husband couldn't immediately counter, given that he is now living in the same city as her, and we (her and I) have not had a relationship at all before now. I've met her a couple of times and we have had some terse exchanges over money and her putting photos of OC on her facebook page and making them public, which I feel is an infringement of OC's privacy.

The urgent application and founding affidavit for the court order spell out exactly what has happened, list all my husband's terrible behaviours, and explain that he has left OC with me and run away from this country - so no matter what story he gives her, it should be clear to anyone who reads the papers what he has done. He could tell her it is all lies and that I am an evil white woman who has stolen all his children. But even him saying these things about me does not change the facts of the matter - and does not make him look any better/more manly if he is admitting that I was able to outsmart him. And both he and she will still have to make written arrangements with me to see the children, which I will not refuse, and i know she will see over time that I have provided OC with a loving and secure environment to grow up in and that he is a happy and successful child. I would not expect to be able to argue against a cultural belief that fathers have ultimate rights over the children, which is the accepted view in their country. I am 100% confident (and luckily the courts here agree) that it is in all the children's best interests to be together and to be with me, here, and to have citizenship for a country that is not in perpetual civil war.

I think I will have to invest in establishing a relationship with her when the dust settles so that OC has the opportunity to build a relationship with her when he wants to and when he is ready. So if she contacts me (which she is free to do - she has my contact details), I will reassure her that I will support OC to establish and maintain his relationship with her directly, but at this stage I will not reach out to her myself outside of the legal processes.

Last edited by chalkncheese; 09/13/17 05:00 AM.

BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Amazing update. Life is falling into place as it should, and you can now let a lot of the stress fall behind you. I cannot imagine the worry you had when OC (really, he is DS) was with his father and not a happy camper.

I was concerned when he kept DS away from you. Even though legally you had rights, sometimes the courts rulings do not make sense. They truly put your son's best interests first.

The children are clearly in good hands with you as their Mommy.

Janet

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I am so happy to hear about OC! Congratulations on the win!

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Fantastic news.


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You're a star, chalk!


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This is an amazing process. You are so strong! An inspiration to all.


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Originally Posted by living_well
Had you thought about contacting OC's birth mother? Perhaps explain to her that he was a no show at the hearing. That will hopefully prevent your WH from spinning a story of you kidnapping the children. Her support for your position will be super helpful.

Hi Living Well, I've been thinking about this suggestion all night and have decided that I will send OC's birth mother an email. It can't hurt (at least not any more that her recieving a court order out of the blue), and might help, so why not? Thank you so much for continuing to help me along with this process. Your experiences of serial cheating, court cases and adoption are so relevant and valuable. Thank you!!


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Thanks JanetS, Unwritten, BrainHurts, SugarCane and Lin! I don't know what I would have done without this forum. The advice has made sure that I don't get bogged down in the emotional fallout and just focus on putting one foot in front of the other over and over again to do what needs to be done. Then suddenly I find myself able to look up and realise that I have just coped with the worst thing that ever happened. I would not have had a clue about where to start with a plan without MB. Thank you so much for all your support and guidance. I have been (and still am) totally dependent on reading this forum every day to keep me sane and give me hope for the future - even though that probably means being a single mum of four.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Sometimes, like just now, I get totally consumed by thoughts of how WH looks at himself in the mirror in the mornings and how does he sleep knowing who he is deep down inside.

I feel so disturbed and stressed if really small aspects of my life are not going well, or if I think I might have damaged a relationship with a colleague or friend unintentionally or if someone might think I have lied when I haven't. How do people who lie habitually cope with that kind of stress? Do they just get used to ignoring it? Do they even feel bad about anything? Do they really not feel the urge to be good to people at all? Or do they focus on those immediate, transient (and easy) interactions with strangers to make themselves feel that they are good people?

I just can't imagine someone who actively wants to be a terrible person like my WH seems to want to be, while at the same time making such a big deal of his devotion to God (something that has ALWAYS puzzled me).


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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