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Joined: Sep 2000
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None are so blind as those who will not see.<P>Absolutely amazing.<P>It was all I could do to keep from holding up one of my mirrors to her that are stacking up sky high.<P>My wife just called and I answered because I needed to speak to her to ensure she knew when I needed <son> back tomorrow morning for a ball game. In case you don't know, my son is 13. I swear I am not making this up.<P>Her: Sorry to bother you, but I needed to get a "reality check."<P>Me: OK.<P>Her: <Son> told me that early yesterday morning <au pair> was across the street baby sitting for <lady across the street> while he was still in bed and for awhile after he got up. I mean, this seems like not the right thing to have <au pair> doing when <son> is at your place. Why have the au pair if she's not going to be there when he's there? Did you know about this?<P>Me: Yes, I knew about it and I think it's OK. She was right across the street, I knew where she was, <son> knew where she was, and she had her cell phone. (What I really want to say: You want a "reality check?" I'll give you a reality check, alright.)<P>Her: Does <son> know her cell phone number?<P>Me: It's up on the board, but he certainly knows where "across the street is."<P>Her: But don't you think she should not have been baby sitting for someone else while <son> was sleeping. Don't you think she should have been cleaning the house or doing laundry or planning activities for <son>?<P>Me: I understand your concern. (What I really want to say: You have got to be kidding me. I can't believe you're asking these questions out of concern for your son and you continue your "non-affair", apparently oblivious to any concerns for your son. How can you be such a hypocrite? Why can't you see how stupid you sound? Will you please ask some of these questions to yourself??????? UUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)<P>Her: I mean, what she does is your business, but I'm just concerned for <son>.<P>Me: I understand your concern.<P>Her: Don't you think it's appropriate that her first priority is <son>?<P>Me: I understand your concern. (What I really want to say: APPROPRIATE???? FIRST PRIORITY???? Give me a f****** break!!! Hello?????? Anybody home in there?)<P>Her: Like I said, I'm just trying to look out for <son's> interests and safety (or words to that effect. She's beginning to get pissed at me because I am not giving her what she wants - control).<P>Me: I understand your concern. (What I really want to say: SON'S INTERESTS???? You abandoned us and now you're interested in <son's> interests? Take a look in this mirror I'm holding up. What do you see? By the way, <son> voluntarily told me the other day that he's UNCOMFORTABLE being around <OM>. What are you gonna do about THAT???) Please have <son> back early tomorrow morning because the game starts at 1:35 and we need to be there early for autographs.<P>Her: (Getting madder) OK, goodbye.<P>Me: (Silence.)<P>End of call.<P>WAT to Mothership: please, please, please, if you're gonna keep her, scramble her brains one more time just so I get some variety?<P>The one bright note: My son's recent statement to me that he's uncomfortable around OM. This is the first time he's said ANYTHING negative about his Mom's situation. I'll need to be thinking about how to approach this with my wife. She knows I don't like <son> around the slimeball.<P>WAT

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WAT,<BR>Thanks for the laugh this morning! I needed it.<P>Two things come to mind, though, as I read this little vignette:<P>#1 - Your W is really starting (STARTING??) to sound a little "desperate" to maintain a certain amount of control, or at the very least to fight you on yet another level for control w/son. In other words, <I> what difference does it make TO HER what is going on in your house when son is there??</I> It is really a little silly sounding, that she's concerned about her "little boy" being left all alone...he's about as big as you are, isn't he? I think I remember you saying he could wear your slacks...<P>#2 - BE CAREFUL in this arena. I can see where she could turn this issue around and USE IT in her <B>awful</B> divorce proceedings as an "in" to fight for custody. This may be why she was calling and trying to make it an issue.<P>Still praying for you and W. I think our prayers are starting to work! At least she's "landing" from the mothership from time to time! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>(Still don't have the hang of what language they speak up there, or what the words mean)<BR>Lupo

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Disclaimer - everything I write on this forum is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. (This is for my wife and her sister who may be lurking.)<P>Thanks Lupo - yes, I'm well aware it appears she's probably maneuvering, either concsiously or subconsciously, for a custody fight. <P>But I wonder if it's offensive or defensive?<P>If it's offensive, she hasn't a prayer. All she has is her opinions about the "deplorable" conditions in my house, and a handful of criticisms that don't pass the giggle test.<P>If it's defensive, well, she knows my son amd my family are the most important things in the world to me. 'Nuff said.<P>Can you believe that she's accused ME of trying to control HER? <P>It may seem that she's just starting to exert a certain amount of control, but this is because I don't chronicle every interaction here.<P>I characterize her attitude as a continuation of her perfectionism and attempts to control. Nothing I do or control, e.g., au pair, is good enough - never has been. At least this is the way she made me feel. She always has a better idea, a better way of doing things. She is the ultimate "spouse improver" ala "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (lawyers are from Uranus)"<P>Thanks, again Lupo.<P>I apologize to everybody for being absent recently. I have a lot of new, welcome distractions that are helping me focus more on <son> and ME.<P>WAT

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Wow, I was waiting for an update.<P>You responded wonderfully. SAd as it is, some of these WS will never "get it" until they fight the war within... (face their own demons) rather than picking fights with everyone else. (especially enemy #1, their evil spouses' who were put here on earth to be responsible for making them lead miserable lives!!!!!)<P>I guess it's called projection. Just put up your plexiglass shield, but always respond openly regarding the best interest of your child. And I know you will!!!

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Hi WAT. Just wanted to let you know that I think you handled that conversation very well with your wife. She is looking for you to LB and trying to hold onto to control of the situation. I truly admire you for being a great dad and a H who has really put a heartfelt effort into trying to save his marriage. I wish the best for you and your son. Glad to hear that you are getting involved in things to keep yourself occupied. I really need to do that. I will continue to pray for you. <BR>cybil

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dave'<P>Wondered where you been?<P>The only thing that rings in my mind every time I hear your W's statements are custody battle. I still think she is somehow trying to set you up.<P>Your S's feelings about OM, is S still seeing a counselor (wasn't he at one time)if so you could approach it that way.<P>I had 1st last night OS's fball team had their last scrimmage, I wasn't going as YS had friend spending the night, plus I am not a duck, & ducks are the only ones enjoying the weather here, but STBX had OW had son's game. I am hoping that it was only because he knew there was no chance of me being there.`<P>glad you are finding distractions, i need some.<P>enjoy that game, hope you get your autographs

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thanks, Ladies. <P>sing - no, my son is no longer in counseling - he hates counselors. My wife never responded to my verbal request for family counseling, as recommended by <son's> Psychiatrist when we ended his medication back in late spring. I imagine she thought it was a ploy to get HER into counseling.<P>I'm heading full force into Plan C - Coach of my son's fall baseball team. I'm nervous as h***.<P>Dave (WAT)

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hmmm, she destroys your family and wrecks your son's life in selfish pursuit of her own "happiness" and then expresses "concern" and outrage that the aupair is across the street and not watching a SLEEPING 13 year old?! one can only go hmmmmmmmmm

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Dave,<P>Some things just keep happening. Breaking up the family for their selfish needs is not an issue for these WS. Blinders on. What else can one say? It boggles the mind.

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Hi Dave,<P>Been wondering how you've been. So you are still getting those messages from afar..... Well, look at the bright side, she did express concern and her reasons, well she knows why she said what she did. Her reasons are hers (can't control them thing) and your responses were yours (sounds ok to me). <P>Keep your cool, enjoy the game. Quite proud of you, ya know'....... Maybe we'll start calling you Coach Dave or Coach WAT? Which do you prefer? The choice is yours. You'll be fine coach... <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

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Hey Dave,<P>Very good job on the phone w/W. I agree with most here that she is setting the stage for a custody battle. That, and she's trying to prove a point regarding her recent interactions with you about son's well being. <P>One would think if she was so concerned about her son, she would know that having his mother and father together as a family as opposed to torn assunder because of an affair is the best thing for her son.<P>I wonder why WS only seem to focus on their children's physical health and well being and completely ignore their children's emotional health, thinking the kids don't suffer because their parent is betraying their other parent and has abandoned the family to be with someone else. Mind boggling.<P>Have a great time with son this afternoon, Coach! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 01, 2001).]

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Great job with your repsonses WAT.<BR>My oh my. Your son is 13 and she thinks he needs to be watched while all the time? <BR>Nah.....i think she merely wanted to hear your voice. There can be no other explanation!

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B><BR>I apologize to everybody for being absent recently. I have a lot of new, welcome distractions that are helping me focus more on <son> and ME.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Ok, just don't let it happen again, Dave. We can't have you getting a life [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] .<P>Actually I don't know how you've kept up your MB efforts as well and long as you have. More time with focus on you and your son sounds like it's for the best.<P>I tend to agree with cl insofar as I can't see this intense concern for a 13 yo because the au pair was across the street. Horrors! What if he got up and forgot where the bathroom was? Nonsense! My OS is almost 12 and thinks he's about 20.<P>Good luck with the team. Hope the line drives are plentiful off their bats and the pitchers paint lots of strikes on the corners.<P>Steve<BR>

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Those alien body snatchers sure are whacked, aren't they?<P>I think you did an excellent job. She surely cannot throw anything back at you regarding this phone call - although I'm sure she will try. "I understand your concern" was an excellent response.<P>Keep up the good work. Bottom line is that you will be OK, and because you are providing the necessary stability for your son, HE will be OK, too.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

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Dave,<P>Had a end of summer vacation with family. I always do that when I know you are going to post. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I think that your son should be the one to tell her how he feels around OM. He is old enough now to do that. Also, she will take it better from him than you. You should discuss with him that it is ok to let his mother know how he feels since she doesn't want to do anything to hurt him. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I think that you telling her should be last choice because she views all of your actions as attempts to control her.<p>[This message has been edited by cleopatra (edited September 04, 2001).]

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Dave,<P>I agree with Cleo, let your son tell her. he needs to know that he can tell his mom what he feels, of course, you need to be careful that your w doesn't think you put him up to it

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cleo, sing - yes, I agree that I need to tread lightly regarding the "uncomfortable around OM" topic.<P>When <son> told me that, I responded that this seems normal for him to feel this way. I then asked him if he had told Mom about his feelings. He said he had and she also told him it was normal for him to feel that way, but it'll get better.<P>I honestly don't know how to deal with that mindset, but I shouldn't be surprised. Everything is "right" and "good" so it'll slowly get better, right?<P>Life without a brain - can't even use mental floss.<P>Dave


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