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#2916873 09/06/01 08:54 AM
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6
Thanks again everyone!!I have been reading alot on this site and it does point me in the right direction. Sorry for my spelling you have to bare with me on that part. One ? that I do have is should I stop reading her e-mails from him? This has been very sad for me but I feel I can't keep up with her if I stop but at the same time I feel like I'm betraying by doing this and I geuss I am. I have never had to sneek behind her like this. I have always trusted her and never felt like I needed to invade her before. But she is a very diffrent person when she talks to him, like night and day and now I don't know what or if I should trust what she is saying to me. The things she tells him are just not true and it blows my mind. she make me out like I don't care for anyone in the family or her I have been home with our childern for 8 years now. We both agreed to this I have raised 2 of our 4 kids on my own for 8 years. I love my childern very much so why on earth would she say such ugly thing about me? It hurts so bad to hear and to read theses things but I feel she is holding some very deep resentment towards me. What bothering more than the affair the most is all the lies I have confronted her on this very calmy and she just said that she is a fool for writting this about me. I love my wife so very deeply and I do not want to hurt her feelings about whats going on with us but I have to talk about it and when we do it seems that I'm the one doing all the talking. My wife hides things so well she can seem so happy and content even when I know better. I have tried so hard for her to let me into her side of the affair but I get a wall thrown in front of me. She just explains that she is a fool for having the affair and all this mess is her doing! But I try to explain to her that something went wrong before the affair and I feel I need to get to the truth of this . The affair was her choice that part falls on her head but I do care and want to help her with her feelings. I just need for her to open up to me. So when I do talk to her I always talk camly never letting anger get in the way. I hate the other man I want to call him and tell him to back off but I know better not to do this because it will just put more stress on whats going on inside of myself and my wife.I do not want to push her away<BR>Well thanks again for everything Dad

#2916874 09/06/01 06:02 PM
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 676
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Posts: 676
Reading WS e-mails is very painful. You have to ask yourself why you are doing it. I had to do it at times cause the lies and decent were so undercover that I would minimize the A and not do anything to work on anything. I would become frozen and would just stew in my own assumptions. Spying and checking up was a major factor for me in keeping reality at the forefront of my mind. Every time WS was late he lied as to where he was so I would get thinking he was really out with the guys and I was being overly reactive and jealous for nothing and then wonder why are relationship was soooooo dead. He was willing to talk cause the guilt was so unbearable. I think it is important to present the truth in love....and that is so hard. It is listening, talking and trying to understand all involved.<P>Don't ever forget that WS says very untrue things cause they have to justify what they are doing or they would not be able to live with themselves or bare the truth. They are doing one of the worse things a person can do to the one they are supposed to love. I read in After the Affair that a BS was raped by a stranger and that wasn't as painful as her WS having an affair cause a H is supposed to love and care for his W. <P>I just spent almost 5 months confronting my WS with love and patience to make a decision. If you read Plan A (hope you have), it says that you need to negoitate with WS to stop contact with OP without anger and judgments. I told him that he had the freedom to leave but we could not continue to live like this. He is moving out this weekend to get his head together and continue his affair. Go figure. I feel relieved but grieving and only time will tell where we will end up. But like Plan A says he is without a shadow of a doubt that I love him and I am willing to forgive and recover if he wants to work out a plan. I will not go back to where we were though and I do not want to go through this again.<P>keep posting and reading and praying.....This is long and painful but if a marriage is saved, it is worth it.<P>TW

#2916875 09/06/01 08:09 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 852
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Posts: 852
Dad-you have come to the right place for encouragment and suppot here. Many affairs have very emotional attachments that make them very messy for the WS to break off. My H's <BR>A with a single coworker was this way- even after I found out it went on and he was uncommitted to our marriage for several months before he finally turned around. I found out alot about the root causes of affairs in books by Emily Brown. Check out the online bookstores for her books-she really understands the drive behind emotional affairs.( I have read at least 25 books about affairs!)It is a veery COMMON thing for them to re-write their marital history and make the marriage and spouse seem worse than they are- my H did this and knowing it was common helped me alot.Its a psychological way for them to justify them staying in their A. Think of your wife as temporarily insane. Because she is NOT thinking clearly.If you need help staying calm, I really like effexor- its an antidepressant that helps me stay sane. Stay in Plan A till you have time to read alot and post here. lifeismessy

#2916876 09/07/01 12:52 AM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 265
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Posts: 265
Unfortunately by your inaction your wife sees no consequences to her behaviour. The sad part is that by you being fearful that she will leave, you come across as pathetic and increase her disrespect for you and further push her to continue her affair. You need to learn to take back the control over your life. I would recommend that you seek professional help to assist you in dealing with this situation. Best wishes

#2916877 09/07/01 12:58 AM
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 2,909
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For you DAD:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CaringAndLovingIndividual:<BR><B><I>Every relationship in your life can be healed, every relationship can be wonderful, but it's always going to begin with you. You need to have the courage to use the truth, to talk with yourself with the truth, to be completely honest with yourself. Perhaps you don't have to be honest with the whole world, but you can be honest with yourself. Perhaps you cannot control what is going to happen around you but you can control your own reactions. Those reactions are going to guide the dream of your life, your personal dream. It's your reactions that make you happy or unhappy.<P>Your reactions are the key to having a wonderful life. If you can learn to control your own reactions, then you can change your routines, and change your life. </I><P>from "The Mastery of Love" by don Miguel Ruiz<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Cali<P><BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

#2916878 09/07/01 01:00 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 310
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Posts: 310
totally uncalled for. Are you the WS? Sure sounds like it. If you aren't, what is the point of you being here?

#2916879 09/07/01 01:17 AM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,099
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EyesWideOpen, <P> Might I suggest that you place the person you are speaking to at the top of your message. No disrespect intended, but it could be thought that you were talking to Cali. oops were you?<P> jd

#2916880 09/07/01 01:38 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 310
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Posts: 310
Oh gosh, I think I replied on the wrong board. At any rate, you are right, I was replying to max, certainly not cali. sorry! I'm out of town for the next two days. Please don't be mad at me! (even max)

#2916881 09/07/01 01:58 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 310
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Posts: 310
Now I know how frustrating it is to compose a really good post and then have it wiped away. Gee, do I dislike computers. Anyway, the gist of my post that was wiped away was an apology to you all and especially to max,cause I have a chip on my shoulder and didn't really read you post. I appreciate you input. Something about a few of the words you used just set me off and I apologize for firing at you. I think you are here trying to help and be helped as we all are. Bless you and sorry again.<P>I am very tired and out of town for the next few days (no computers around - yeah! - (hear that snl? :-)) Sorry if I offended anyone...<P>


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