Well, if she asks, she will expect an answer. Some want to know and others don't. You may be asked if you did certain sexual things that you don't want to divulge...it may hurt her to know exactly what was done. It will also be extremely hard for you to tell her these things.<P>A pornographic love story, so it was all about the sex? You know what, I think the thing that hurt me most was not the sex, though yes it hurts to think he actually did that, it was my h giving his EMOTIONS to someone else.<P>Gee, you know what it will kill her to know, and what you can safely divulge...I'm just saying she may ask some really way out there questions, and she will be hurt if she thinks you're keeping things from her...she may ask things she doesn't expect an answer to. I guess if she asks a tricky Q, you could say "Well, do you really want to know the answer to that, because it could hurt you very much."<P>What I am saying also that I discovered things after D-day that I SHOULD have been told at the time...he LIVED with her for four weeks in a hotel...I found this out three months after, and it stopped my recovery in its tracks. I had to start all over again, knowing they spent time like a married couple...and all the time coming home at weekends. <P>So the things you need to tell her are those things she is going to find out anyway. <P>I hope I am helping here...don't want to frighten you off doing this. I think it is great that you want to get it in the open, because it will begin to heal as soon as you do...won't LOOK that way for a while, but it will begin.

I'm here BH.<P>Yes, you can do this! YOU CAN! and you need to. Remember we talked about what you would need to do to prepare, BH. <P>~ Have a draft of the no contact letter<BR>~ Do not offer details, allow her to digest the basics<BR>~ Be caring and loving and compassionate<BR>~ Be strong and don't make excuses for your actions<BR>~ Be honest<BR>~ Answer any and all questions<P>I know you're scared, but it's better you tell her than she find out other ways and confronts you with evidence. And believe me, she's headed that way. If she finds out before you tell her, you will lose that chance of showing her you were intending to tell her. <P>Tell me what else you're frightened of, BH. I'm here.<P>Jo<BR>

Well, I have to be honest, considering how sexual it was it might not be wise to discuss many details at first. I did have to have alllll the details for me to get on with it, except I am having problems due to the lies told in our fake recovery. Your W may not want all the details so if she doesn't you'll be lucky, otherwise if she wants the details I think maybe not right away but in time you must tell everything she wants to know. It also has to deal with trust, if she wants it, you need to give it to her to show that you are trying to be as honest as possible.<P>I think at first if she askes for details tell her you will tell her every detail she needs to know, but you want to wait on that so as to let her come to her senses first. I have a hard time with this advice because I had to know everything down to condoms and orgasms, it was painful to hear, but the truth is what is important. Just remember to be as kind and compasionate as possible, definately don't be blunt. <P>I think the details aren't vital at first, my first question was how many times, after that I didn't ask much other than how and why. I think I was to stunned to think about what I needed to know, that came later....Hopefully that will be your case.

Thanks for your consideration, every one of you. I can't continue this tonight, it has been an exhausting day. I will bode farewell for the evening and be back here tomorrow morning. Funny thing, OW has not called me all day. I told her in an email messsage earlier today that I had some serious stuff to deal with. She responded "it's ok". Unusually, I received no opposition. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 23, 2001).]

I am a BS and I don't have a lot to add to the good advice you have been given, but I just wanted to add my support.<P>I had been asking my H for months if his relationship with OW was physical and he lied. Finally, one day, he said we needed to talk. He looked at me straight in the eye with tears and said straightforwardly "I have been lying to you...." and he proceeded to be honest. The questions about the sexual aspect of the relationship will inevitably come up. You should say "I am committed to being completely honest with you from this point on. I want to rebuild trust and the only way I can do it is to be honest. Please be sure you want the details" The answers will be around in her heart and mind for a long time. <P>In the early days, I asked a lot of questions that I wished I had not asked. BUT, my H answered honestly and I look back on that with respect. I know it was not easy to answer me honestly, knowing it would be painful for me and shameful for him. So I don't really hold some of the painful knowledge against him because I asked the questions and he was honest.<P>Also I wanted to advise you to do it soon. For months, I walked around with a knot in my stomach, knowing something was wrong, but in denial my H was lying. If your W is asking you THE question, she probably feels like I did. She suspects, you deny, and the knot in her tummy gets worse, and her heart is hurt and confused. The longer you deny, the more she probably thinks she is either crazy or a bad judge of character.<P>Expect anger, tears, rage, extreme sadness. Allow her to do what she needs to do to feel better. I love my H today so much for allowing me to turn into a screaming wench that I did not recognize and not holding it against me later. He says today that he deserved all of that and more. Be steadfast and loving. Show your remorse.<P>It sounds like things are not totally over between you and OW and it turned out that it wasn't for my H either, but he was completely there for me in those early weeks. He took off from work to be with me etc. <P>With all this rambling, I guess I'm trying to say is be honest, be gentle, be loving, and try to understand the immense pain she is in. Initiate counseling, preferably with someone who is familiar with the Harley methods. And END THINGS COMPLETELY WITH OW. You will start things all over again with her (and your) recovery if you fall back into the relationship. <P>Best wishes to you and your dear W. I'm sorry for your pain and hers. A truly joyous and happy marriage can be built, but only with honesty, committment, and a TRUE fresh start. Keep us posted.<P>Jen<p>[This message has been edited by JenniJ (edited September 22, 2001).]

Just sent a major email to W. Tried to set the stage for the big discussion. I'll see what happens next. Lately, email seems to be the way we've communicated things we'd normally not be able to discuss without conflict.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B>Tell me what else you're frightened of, BH. I'm here.<P>Jo<BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm here Jo, but fading fast. It's strange to me that I find comfort in the fact that OW hasn't contacted me today.<P>W just emailed me and is expecting an answer. What do I do??<BR>

Bh, it is WONDERFUL that you find comfort in no contact from OW. Just the fact that you are considering telling the truth is a huge step in the right direction.<P>I am a WS, confessed Feb 15...it was hellish but H basically knew (your W obviously knows something is very wrong) and miraculously chose to forgive me. I was completely prepared to be tossed out on the street forever. I can't promise that you will be so blessed but PLEASE believe me...YOU will feel better getting out from under the lie.<P>Sounds like you are ready to cut off all contact with OW. Do it!<P>Tell your W the truth and that you are sorry (if you are genuine about it) and want your M or to at least see if it can be salvaged over time.<P>My email is MiriamL10@excite.com if you need to write. Sorry I am just heading off to bed now but you will be in my thoughts and prayers.<P>It's scary but one way or another, your life will improve when you end the charade and start over in Truth.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

W has taken my refusal to answer her question as an affirmitave answer.<P>I am tempted to lie (once again) to get us throught the day.<BR>

Why did you not answer? Fear? You knew this would come out sometime!<P>What did she ask of you?<P>Please write to her immediately...she knows the truth...she will imagine it MUCH worse than it is.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>Why did you not answer? Fear? You knew this would come out sometime!<P>What did she ask of you?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>She asked if I had an A. I did all but answer the question, Yes it was out of fear. Fear and the circumstances. <BR>

Well BH, it is coming down to the wire, isn't it.<P>If you put this off much longer you MUST know your wife will find out and will show up with concrete irrefutable evidence. Don't underestimate her resourcefulness, BH. I know what I'm talking about, I was a WIFE for nearly 16 years.<P>I'm telling you, you don't want her confronting you with hard evidence, YOU want to be the one to tell her. This way you can set the scene, start the dialogue and not be on the defensive as much as you would be if SHE confronts YOU. Plus you willingly admitting it will show her you came clean because you want the A to end as opposed to you being forced to end the A because she found out.<P>YES, this is frightening, but you have the responsibility of owning it. It is going to be bad, I'm not going to try and sugar coat what it will be like, but you're are making it bigger and bader in your mind as you put off telling her.<P>Prepare yourself by getting every logistic done that will minimize the impact on your wife. You will probably be verbally beat up on D day and you know you deserve it.<P>I'm curious BH, are you more concerned about your wife's reaction and well being OR are you concerned about what you'll have to go thru?<P>Jo<P>

BH,<P>You asked about the questions/details that might come up. You expressed horror at answering questions about the sex itself. Your W may be different than me, some women don't want to know the details, but I did. I thought I'd give you a list of questions that I wanted to know the answer to:<P>-was it better than it is with me? (it sounds like for you, the answer is yes, maybe you could just say "different, not better"...<BR>-did you give/receive oral sex<BR>-did she have orgasms<BR>-how many times did you have sex with her<BR>-when, where<BR>-how did it happen, the first time...what led up to it. <BR>-did you take showers/baths together<BR>-did you go out together, dinner, dancing, shopping, anything<BR>-did you meet her friends/family/kids<BR>-did she spend the night<BR>-how long did you lay in bed with her afterwards, what did you talk about during that time<BR>-what did you talk about at other times/what did you ahve in common<BR>-did you talk about me<BR>-did she want a future with you<BR>-did you want a future with her<P>That's all I can think of, but I thought it might help you to be prepared for some of those types of questions.<P>sis

Okay, I can add:<P>Did you talk about me? (Yes, but he called the bad things he said 'pillow talk')<P>Did you tell her you loved her? (as above)<P>Did you tell her you had kids? (she knew all about them)<P>Did you buy her stuff? (he says no...but)<P>Did you pay for her flights back home (yes he did, but he said not)<P>Does she know where you work? (Yes but he said no)<P>Do you think you love her? (he says no, and funny, I believe him)<P>Are you going to give her up? (Yes - he did)<P>Are you feeling guilty about this? Why/not?<P>Do you want this marriage?<P>See, badhubby, it is going to be hard, HARD for you. But it is going to be ten times as hard for your wife.<P>Get on the email right now and tell her the truth...NOW!!!<P>She will build total resentment the more you put it off.<P>And BTW, I had a little inkling that you hadn't given up OW totally, from something you wrote somewhere...am I right? And is that why you won't tell wife, because you will have to?<P>I wish you love and light, and insight here,<P>Jacky

Bad Hubby,<P>From my experince, the BS would rather you openly give out all of the A. They think that if you don't then you may be hiding more. IMO, you should write her a letter telling her just how you feel now and how you felt then. Unless you think it's easier to talk in person. <P>I don't think you are being fair to her by keeping a secreat, that she already suspects anyways.How would you feel if your best friend keep a secreat?

I have to take a break. I have been hyperventilating half the morning. I need to get out. I am totally consumed by guilt and fear right now and feel like I have nowhere to go. <P>I think I will call W and ask for a meeting tonight.<BR>

BH,<P>Wife is hyperventilating too. If you remember, a few days (week?) back I suggested that she probably already knows what is going on. Get it over with now. There is no reason for you to suffer in fear and for her to suffer in anxiety trying to piece it all together when you can just simply spill the beans and relieve all of the tense for both of you. You might be afraid now but when it's out in the open you will feel better and so will she to some small (miniscule) degree. She'll even feel better when you tell her what a mistake you've made and how you want to repair things.<P>It hurt me much, much more that my H had shared his emotional being with someone else than the fact that he had physical, sexual contact with her. I have seen here that for female BS it is the emotional connection that hurts most vs. the physical contact that bothers most male BS the most.<P>Just do it. Waiting helps no one.

Bad Hubby, <P>I agree with mthrrhbard, tell her and get it all out. I can imagine you hyperventaling and crying, now is the time, your w will see the pain you are feeling and will cry with you. Sounds sick but it's a great bounding expeiernce that you both probably need wright now. You can cry in eachother's arms. It will hurt to tell her, but it will hurt you both worse if you don't tell her now. Please don't do what I did. Don't let it sit inside of eating away at your self esteem.

I agree with Mthrrhbard completely. On D day for me, the fact my H had an emotional connection/love with OW hurt me much more than the sex they shared.<P>ALthough, later on I did ask about the sex stuff, I wanted to know. But when I asked about it I was a bit stronger and could hear it. It still hurt and I cried buckets.<P>The NUMBER ONE question I was so fearful but had to ask was "DO YOU LOVE HER". Please expect that question, BH.<P>You're gonna be fine, TELL HER SOON ... just do it. Get it over with. You're causing yourself so much stress by imagining what might happen. Be strong, be accountable, be brave and courageous. <P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 23, 2001).]

We had a short talk when I picked up the kids this morning. Exchanged kind words and a few long hugs. Told her I wanted to meet tonight to discuss our situation.<BR>So we are sheduled to meet this evening, away from the house and kids.<P>This month is about the first time in 2 yrs. I have felt guilt or remorse. It is eating away at me from the inside out. She wants me back so badly, but I just know she's going to react badly to the truth.<P>I've stopped hyperventilating, and forced myself to eat something although I feel like puking right now.<BR> <BR>