This probably a very touchy subject but, from reading post I have noticed that a lot of Bs are intimate with their WS.I personally feel that it is wrong to allow a WS to have sex with you, I feel like they should earn that back, I can't imagine having sex with my H knowing that he is still with Ow. I was wondering how Bs and WS feel about this touchy subject,please respond with some input. Thanks Sally

I am one of those shameful BS's that believe in still keeping "up" on the sexual side of the marriage, even at the beginning. Prior to D-day he was sleeping with her and I didn't know but suspected and we still had a wonderful sexual side to our marriage. After D-day husband said maybe we shouldn't do that anymore. I said why take away the one good thing we always had? Why do we let OP come between a good connection? He never was with her again after he found out that I wasn't going to let her destroy the good thing I did have in my life.....<BR>I also have to say that I am a survivor and I believe God (like in Psalms 23)led me through the Valley....I believe God was there with me, guiding me every step through it. I can relate to people being adverse to being with their spouses again after finding out. I would probably have been like that. But something told me not to shut the door on the one good thing we did have. Does that explain it? I hope so......God Bless.<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Thanks Chick's for your input. I respect any dec. a BS makes about this subject everyone has to do what's right for them. Please don't feel shameful you have nothing to feel shameful about.I am just hoping to get a lot of responses on this subject to see how both BS and Ws feel about this. Thanks Sally

My W's As were over when I found out, so I don't know what I would have done if I had known for sure that she was having and A at the time. I did however have a lot of suspicion at the time. I still felt sex was important at the time, but then again I am a man and that was always important to me. <P>When I first found out about A#1, I was very confused about how I felt about having sex with her. I think I felt kind of like Chicks, I though gee, I had sex the whole time these As happened and ever since so why stop now. After much thought on d-day I decided to give it a shot that night, it was kind of strange how I felt, I wanted to see if I was capable of actually doing it and also I wanted to take back what I felt was lost or stolen from me. Our sex life has probably been the best it has ever been since d-day #1. I have been having some problems since d-day #2 however, I haven't felt the closeness I did after the first d-day. <P>I think if I knew she was still involved with OM I would use protection, that would be different because we have never used protection except for rare accasions. I think if you are trying to plan A, sex is probably an important part of that if you feel sex is a big EN for your H, but if you don't feel comfortable doing it, then that is your decision even if it makes plan A more difficult.

Hi Sally. I too am one of those BS's that has been intimate with my H. I'm still intimate with my H because I love him and want my M to work. I have no evidence that he's having a PA. or that indeed there is another OW. I do believe the relationship with the co-worker that he is so called "friends"with has ceased. My H still does things with us as a family, and supports us financially he just can't be here for me emotionally. I truly believe that he is having a mid-life crisis. Being intimate has taken it's toll on me emotionally. I just can't do it anymore because I can't deal with the rejection after. So until he decides to recommit sex with him will not occur. I must admit that our sex life has gotten better since we've separated. Go figure.

My WH did not have sex with our OP but did kiss/make out with her...in her minivan....in the seat behind where her THREE children's car seats sat.....(hehehehe) I find this so pathetic as to be laughable...I've yet to tell my H what a dork this makes him seem to me....oh yeah anyways...<BR>I didn't have sex with him for, let's see, definitely not the day I found out (a monday) and not all that work week...but then on friday he made overtures and (we have always had a really hyper sex life so I was dying to anyways) went ahead. Two weeks later I find out that he's still calling her, talking to her at work, met with her that very morning and did the mini-van make out again (hehehe - sorry - but come on - what a romantic image?!?!?!) and once he came clean and made the decision (because I demanded it RIGHT THEN) to end the affair, I basically attacked him, because it was, I don't know, kinda territorial - "this is MINE" ya know....plus I felt like I was GOING TO HAVE SEX with someone and since I really Don't want revenge sex (although it DID cross my mind, I must admit) I may as well have sex with my favorite partner....<BR>Each time we do, I think "take that you B*#*$tch!" I agree with 'chick's' - why allow the OP to get in the way of a great sex life?<BR>I doubt this is actually healthy....but it sure makes me feel better!!!

Hi,<P>I had sex with my WS a couple of days after D Day, because I thought the affair was over and wanted to remind him how good it was, however after then, it was he who decided that he didn't want to sleep with me anymore and put himself in the spare bed. Sex hasn't happened since, and that was April. I think at D Day, the affair had actually been ended by two weeks, however , he seemed to have resumed it a couple of weeks later, which is probably why he felt he couldn't have sex with me. He felt as though he was being unfaithful to HER!!!! So, unfortunately for me, I didn't get the chance to make the decision. I think, if my WS wanted sex with me and I actually knew that he was still getting it else where, I would probably say no though. Ughhh, the thought that he may have touched her only the day before...doesn't bare thinking about. It would make me feel really cheap.

Part of plan A you fullfill needs if your spouse allows you too. I am trying to get my W but was declined. Similiar to WoundedOne, I have no choice and I think she rejects me since she thinks it is cheating on him if she does it. I have been 7 months w/o sex ... it burns me up. Also I rather have it with her than complicates matter w/ OW ... in plan A u are still married.<P>------------------<BR>Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Amazingly, I attempted to have sex w/ my W(WS) a few days after d-day. 1) because I still loved her very much 2) my emotional state was hightened and I thing that caused me to want it more.<P>Our sex life since d-day is still great (was great pre-A) and more loving than before.<P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by scarlet pumpernickle (edited October 02, 2001).]

My situation is somewhat different, after D-Day the passion between us was very intense, and has slowly dimished. It's been 9 weeks, she said that she finally ended the A with him 15 days ago and since that time there is no interest in me or sex. She is totally withdrawn. I don't even try to initate sex....just trying to PLAN A all I can.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sad Daddy:<BR><B>She is totally withdrawn. I don't even try to initate sex....just trying to PLAN A all I can. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good job, but make sure that to let her know that you are available when she get kinky ... probably she need other EN at this point but don't let sex be fill other way. Try to fill in as much as she allows you to.<P><P>------------------<BR>Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

The night of d-day my husband slept in the spare room. The next night he slept in our bed with me and we have been having lots of sex since then. The affair ended d-day (June 13, 2001). I've felt much closer to my husband than before, plus even the crying and screaming raises the intensity around here, making me more interested in sex as well. My husband has responded with a burst of energy--I didn't know he could still make love three times a day at age 38! Also, I too felt territorial--this is <B>MY</B> husband, <B>I</B> will have him and she will <B>NOT!</B> <P>Rose Red<p>[This message has been edited by Rose Red (edited October 02, 2001).]

I have a major problem with sex in that I want it to be safe! How did you all handle it when/if WS was/is/could be still having sex with OP? I do not want to have sex with OW and her who-knows-how-many partners by having sex with H when he has not ended the affair appropriately (no contact). He still works with her and claims he "can handle it" (!)<P>What about STDs? How do you handle oral sex? What about kissing? Can't some things be passed through kissing? I've been married nearly all my adult life, so am in dire need of education in how to protect myself and my nursing baby from whatever H may expose us to. I am very angry about this, that he endangered my and my baby's lives. How do you forgive that?<BR>

My H and I did have sex while he was living with OW, but of course he denied there was an OW. Had I known I probably would have done it anyway. He is my H, not hers. I had every right to have sex with him whenever I wanted to. Of course if I had known about her and I had sex with my H while they were living together I would have made sure she knew about it lol! After my sister's divorce she had sex with her ex (who was begging her for another chance by then) just so she would be sure he would also cheat on the OW. It kind of gave her a certain peace of mind.

Once at the airport, before I knew about the PA, but knew about the EA, I told him to "Make a decision and decide what you want because if you sleep with another woman, I DO NOT WANT YOU!". Then a week later, I find out he did in fact have a PA. I went to the Dr. and got all the STD tests. Those all came back negative, he had confessed and we had out big out and out discussion. I was a nervous wreck and was out of my mind that this had actually occurred. Guess I was just too naive. By that time, he had already said "it was over", although it had only been 2 weeks since he had seen her. (She had driven 200 some miles in Virginia to see him and that was the last time they were physical.) I too, have become territorial. I told him the other day it seems like all I want is sex now adays, and if he is giving it away, then I will make sure he is too da*n tired to do it with anybody else. This was said with humor, however. and things have been going great in the bedroom. However, if I ever find out that he has gotten physical with anybody else again, I don't think I can take it. His last attempted contact with her was Sept 11th. I had gotten an email from her that morning and she works near the pentagon. I had written to her that afternoon and because of the situation there, just said I hoped she was okay and didn't expect any reply and have received none. H has said he has not tried to contact her since, but he told me that at the end of August too, and I found proof of that not being the case before Sept 11th. So, when he has to go back to Virginia in a few weeks, I will be a nut case.<BR> If I had known he was still seeing her at the time, I would probably NOT have had sex. As it was, I waited until the test results came back. If they had been different, this saga would have been different too.<BR>Mikkey

Well, by d-day my husband had already been sleeping with OW for six months so if I was going to get something, I'd have already gotten it. There has been no contact since d-day, or I wouldn't have slept with him. I'm not even sure I would've continued to LIVE with him.<P>One of the things that makes me so furious was that during his affair my husband and I went to our children's school to preview a presentation on abstinence which was going be presented to the school the next morning. My husband sat there while the speaker talked AT LENGTH and graphically about AIDs, STDs, pregnancy, loss of self-esteem, etc., including the fact that condoms break and come off, and that condoms don't protect against all STDs, like for instance genital warts. (Also, my husband and OW engaged in oral sex and of course, used no protection there.) My clever husband sat through that whole thing and left, he says, with the thought that they'd be okay because he wore condoms. How oblivious can you get?!<P>Rose Red<p>[This message has been edited by Rose Red (edited October 04, 2001).]

I have to say I didn't think about the safety of sex with him as I had had sex with him numerous times over the affair. Plus our C brought up that issue in joint counseling........I was so embarrassed, I hadn't thought about it before. Then he admitted that he never took anything to chance with her and used a condom at all times. Boy was I ticked at that point.....he's NEVER used a condom with me, he hated it. He told me she insisted which was good for me I guess...Anyhow, I did go and get tested for everything and I felt better just for doing it. Anyhow, since he had already been with me since being with her I felt nothing to loose. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I have C in my drawer just in case my W give me some. I checked my self at planned parenthood the week I discovered the A. I am clean from STD or AIDS but I would not take any chances until she takes her test. I have 2 daughters to take care of.<P><P>------------------<BR>Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Yes, Sally,<BR>It's really sad to see BSs used in this way. I think it is extremely abusive, cruel and misleading--as well as putting everyone's health in jeopardy.

Hi Sally- I hope you dont mind another reply on this thread. I first suspected H was having an A because he started coming to bed at strange hrs and refused any advances by me for intimacy. He also wouldnt kiss me unless I insisted and only then one brief peck. After 2 mo of this I had a strong clue he was getting it somewhere else. After d-day I really wanted to be intimate with him but OW had threatened him not to do anything with me so I ended up going 7 mo thru several stages of his waffling and recovery before we resumed. I was craving the closeness and loyalty from him - that he had given to OW. But my counselor urged me that wanting it then was WRONG and I should wait till he was out of withdrawal stage from OW. This I did which made for a long wait but proved worthwhile as when it DID come back it was better than before his A. Good thing I am a person who can live without it right??? lifeismessy