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Joined: Aug 2001
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i feel horrible. Me and my mom have been planning for months to go to a Women of Faith weekend this weekend. We have really been looking forward to it. <BR>My son was invited for sleep-over which was going to leave my husband and daughter home alone to have bonding time. Well the parent that is having my son sleep-over invited my daughter too - she has a girl a year younger. I didn't tell my husband and I told my little girl -no she coudln't go this time because daddy is looking forward to spending time with her. <P>i feel like a 1st class heel(flinstones style). I don't want my husband to be home alone. I don't trust him. I can't imprison him. He has done nothing THIS time to be untrustworthy. Its been 3 months since last contact but we have only been in recovery a month. You guys... this might be just what my husband needs for me to show him I trust him. I am denying my little girl a good time because of my own selfish reasons. this type of thing is going to happen. I can't live this way. I need to take a leap of faith and throw caution to the wind and let him prove his trustworthyness. <P>I am thinking of calling the parent back and saying yes she can spend the night and leave my H home alone. <P>Me and my mom are spending the night in a hotel - but it is in-town. Maybe I can have him meet me after the evening session is over 9:30 p.m. for dessert or something. But you know. Me and my mom were never really close before. I think it is H A thought brought me and my mom closer together. This is the 1st time we have ever done anything like this. We have a real mother/daughter relationship and that feels good. <P>Please let me know what yall think.

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Notheard,<BR>I so totally sympathize with you!!! This is the hardest part; trusting again. With all you've been through, you have every right to be suspicious. However, this is not your D's fault, as I'm sure you know, so not letting her go is not the right thing to do. I think you need to "bite the bullet" and leave him home alone. Maybe you can ask for a call or two in the evening while you're gone? I know this is really hard, but what I keep feeling is that if I'm ever going to trust my H again, I have to give him the opportunities to BE trusted. Ask God for discernment and truth and to guide your actions... Plus, the Women of Faith weekend sounds like it's for WOMEN!! You and your mom should spend this time bonding. It will be hard not to worry about your H, but it may mean a whole lot to him that you are trying to trust. My prayers go out to you.<P>MOM

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thanks myownme<P>i sent him an email including him in the decision. that was hard but i knew it was the right thing to do. it is only one night that he will be alone. i have to trust that God will reveal IF he does anything wrong and if it is revealed we need to deal with it now. I can't live my life like this. he needs to be free to make decisions. he needs to decide not to contact her and chose to do the right thing. I can't manipulate his decision and choices by manipulating circumstances - that just prolongs it. <BR>this is so hard but this is life, love, and marriage. i told him i would need reassurance so we will see what we come up with. <P>Thanks for your response!

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Excellent to let him know what's going on and let him be part of the decision. You are doing WONDERFUL!!! I pray that I can get to this point soon. I fear that it scares my H away when I continue to ask for reassurances, even with the ones he gives me currently. I pray that you and your mom will have an AWESOME time this weekend and that God will truly strengthen your heart and your trust of your H.<P>MOM

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He is an email I got from a girlfriend today. Interesting how it ties into my decision. You know there will be rejoinceing going on at the Women of Faith weekend. <P>_____________________________________________The power of rejoicing<P>"REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS."<P>PHILIPPIANS 4:1<P>If you feel that circumstances have you locked in today, listen to <BR>this:<BR>"About midnight, Paul and <BR>Silas were praying and singing hymns to God...Suddenly there was such a<BR>violent earthquake that <BR>the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors<BR>flew open and everybody's <BR>chains came loose"<P>(Acts 16:25-26 NIV). Wow! When God taps His foot to the music - things<BR>happen!<P>The same power that opened every door for Paul and Silas that night is<BR>available to you today. It's <BR>called - the power of rejoicing! Any time you praise God in spite of <BR>the<BR>circumstances, the forces of <BR>heaven come to your aid.<P>Can you imagine how God feels as He watches you on the battlefield,<BR>wielding your sword, <BR>shouting, "I praise You Lord. I know You're going to bring me through<BR>this victoriously." That's battle <BR>praise and, when God hears it, He responds every time.<P>But, you say, "I don't feel like praising God." Listen: "...offer to <BR>God<BR>a sacrifice of praise..." (Heb <BR>13:15 NIV). Anybody can praise God in the good times, but when you have<BR>to sacrifice to do it - <BR>that's when it's most effective!<P>The Battle of Jericho teaches us that sometimes we have to shout when:<BR>(1) it makes no sense (2) <BR>it seems as if we're just going in circles (3) the enemy stands over us<BR>mocking (4) our rational mind <BR>says, "This is no way to fight a war" (5) it's the last thing on earth<BR>we feel like doing. If you want to <BR>see the doors open and the walls come down today - start praising the<BR>Lord!<BR>_____________________________________________<P>We discussed it and he will be alone Friday night. Its really odd but I am not only rebuilding my trust in my H I am also rebuilding my trust in God. The A really rocked the foundation of my faith in God. I have a strong walk with the Lord but through this all I had to voice a reminder that God has my best interest at heart because I was really doubting Him. Life/love is just one big risk. if your not risking losing than life is not worth living. Do you know what I mean? I questioned while contemplating divorce what life would be like: i didn't want to "get involved" in life. i fantasized about going to work and raising my kids and NEVER/EVER getting involved in another relationship - with friends or potential new boyfriends. Because there is always a risk that your going to get hurt. But what kind of life is that?

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I think that keeping your daughter home to babysit your husband is not fair to her and I would let her go. She should not have to pay the price for your husband faults [in this way anyway]. <P>I also think that you would be CRAZY to trust your husband. It is nuts to extend trust to an untrustworthy person. You are right that he needs to PROVE himself, but I would caution you about putting him in positions where his poor self control is tested. That is like sending a newly sobered alcoholic into a bar to see if they could handle it - a very unwise exercise. <P>So anyway, I would not use your daughter in this capacity but I would do other things to keep an eye on him while you are gone and I don't think I would put him in that position again anytime in the near future. Not until he has proven himself to you.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Its been 3 months since last contact but we have only been in recovery a month. You guys... this might be just what my husband needs for me to show him I trust him. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>But you don't trust him - at least you shouldn't. You are not the one who has something to "show" or prove. There is nothing that you can do to make him a trustworthy person - that is all in his hands. He is the one who has something to PROVE, not you. And you should RIGHTFULLY feel insecure when you are living with an untrustworthy person.<p>[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]

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MelodyLane,<BR>I see your point and really appreciate your concern. My daughter is going to spend the night out and my husband is going to be home alone. Your right, I don't trust him. but trust needs to be rebuilt. What am I going to do, not let him go anywhere without me? thats crazy and in fact how we have been living for a couple years. the problem is...where there is a will there is a way. With internet access it is also WAY more easy. <P>I am a recovering alcoholic and I know there is NO ONE who could've made me want to quit drinking. It is something I had to do on my own. I have been sober for 6 years. I have been in plenty of tempting situations but because it was MY desire to not drink I had to use the tools God has given me to overcome that. I am hoping THIS time it is his desire to stop contacting her and he is not just doing it because I don't want him to.<P>You are right when you said:<BR>---------------------------------------------<BR>There is nothing that you can do to make him a trustworthy person - that is all in his hands. He is the one who has something to PROVE, not you. <BR>---------------------------------------------<BR>this is one opportunity for him to prove it. I hope and pray he won't blow it. But i would rather find out now than 2 years from now. But you are right I won't put him in this situation again for a couple more months. but you know if there is something in life that I can enjoy and benefit from I don't want to miss-out because of fear my husband will cheat. I want to live my life. <P>Thanks for your response - you were right about using my daughter and I knew that when I first posted and its the responses that gave me the strength to follow through and let her go.

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Your recovery is very new NH, your feelings are very understandable.<P>You mentioned internet access. Is that how they were in touch with each other? Do you have monitoring software? <P>This would give you peace of mind -- you would see any contact. Either way -- if no contact, you feel better -- if there is, don't you want to know??

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Internet monitoring software would be great at home. He hasn't really been on the computer at home. But there is always his job. It's like I said: where there is a will there is a way. He needs to want it himself.


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