I have been very good and have not called my h for 3 days. Tonight he called me stressed about finances..it is very close to house payment deadline and he gets paid tomorrow but it stressing about making that payment and getting thru the next two weeks. He has his 17 and 19 year old living in our house and has no compensation from either of them. The 19 yr. old has a full time job and is always broke and the 17 year old has no driver's license and depends on Dad to drive him to his dates. My h realizes all of this and this financial responsibility for kids who take no responsibility for themselves has been a bone of contention during our together times...big time. He was always using our funds to bail the 19 year old out when he was living w/ his mom. NOW, we are separated and I have had to sell stock to set up a new household for myself. I have some things from my home, but deposits for telephone hookup, propane and cable have taken my money. I had to buy a washer and dryer, microwave and tv so as not to take from my husband and his children. I am also saving as much as I can to pay our property taxes for the most part as he cannot scrape up the $ that soon. What I am asking is, how guilty should I feel because he is suffering thru this. He wanted me out of the house so he could "sort things out." I really want to tell him to call the other woman or her husband and ask them for help since they are so hostile to me for being so upset about this scenario. Her h believes her and my h is fairly honest w/ me. She is lying to her h. My heart is still in love w/ my h but I am not feeling so stupid and helpless anymore, however, I wrestle w/ his distress about finances and it does affect me in the sense that it is my credit rating too. What do I do? What attitude do I have w/ him? All I could say was that I didn't know what to say. He struggled w/ even calling me to vent about it. I would be beating a dead horse to explain to him how I feel he got into this situation. It is so frustating!!!!!!

Hi Ceverson1 -<P>I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I am glad, however, that you seem to have found strength and have been able to lose some of the helplessness that this brings upon us.<P>That's great!!!<P>As far as the finances.....Don't add his problems with all you already are doing. Yes, in some ways they are yours also, but right now you need to worry about your own day-to-day expenses and life. He needs to be hit with the realities of the tidal wave he made. Contributing to the house taxes was good...you don't want to lose it.<P>Have you talked with an attorney about the finances, etc? Just to get an idea of what you should/should not be doing and what steps can be taken to make sure you are protected. I am not saying hire one...just get some knowledge of the financial legalities and responsibilities.....<P>Don't feel guilty for his angst with his end.....You have enough to deal with.<P>I know how hard this all is, I think that you are doing great!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited November 11, 1999).]

Sheba,<BR>Thanks for your encouragement. I am going on day 5 of no emotionalism!!! In fact I don't even think I have cried since last Sunday. I think I have found the key to stopping those late night raging, crying phone sessions. I prayed about that Monday a.m.. I told God this needed to stop and I needed help. Well...this is what happened. First of all I planned a little project for every evening of the week. Then..I started waking up, every morning mind you, at 4:30. Instead of lying there..I got up. I find that I am too tired in the evening to think too much and my project fills my much shorter evenings. The result..no phone calls...just eat, do my little project and go to sleep. Last night a friend came and had dinner w/ me, then my brother called and wants to come and go have dinner Saturday night. Another friend wants to get together this weekend. I have buried my self in my job where I work w/ 20 men and that seems to give me all the male companionship and attention I need for now. I am in a position where they all feel they need to come to me for their work needs and when I tend to get a little irritated at being interrupted all the time, I remember I am truly needed and respected there and count my blessings.<BR>My evening projects have been: plant night, put away summer clothes and hang up sweater night, go thru jewelry night, etc. Works!!!<BR>Anyway, I am rambling, but am so thankful to my God for being there to help me arrange my life, which in turn eases so much pain and for Marriage Builders where I have never seen so many intelligent, articulate, perceptive people!<BR>Thanks again for your encouragement!

Ceverson1-When he called to discuss the finances with you is he calling to ask for help with them, or is that your natural reaction to his stress, that you need to help? If unsure I would ask him outright, what is it you want? I wouldn't love bust and say look, I've had to pay for this and this and this because of you, I would just say, look, I only have $__ myself to get through the week, if I did have any more I would consider paying it. Make him aware of your situation as far as your current money status, and don't tell him every little thing, he doesn't need to know that your an independent person, it probably is already scaring him.<BR>As far as the OW lying to her H, I would just leave it. If you told him and he doesn't believe you then go on. What good does it do for You and your H? To strengthen the bond between you and him, it would be good to lessen the bond between you and she. If there is any kind of intensity between you and she it only adds to your H's relationship with her.<BR>It does sound like your thinking clearly and I think the "project" a night is a great idea. But if you want to work things out with him I could prepare myself to face him eventually. Possibly seek counselling for yourself and then maybe influence him into joining you. Spend some time reading the books and taking care of yourself, until you are strong enough to handle this again.<BR>God Bless!

Chicks,<BR>No he wasn't asking me to pay anything. I almost feel that he was stressed about it and in a strange way feels that he can come to me just to vent as w/ a trusted friend. I did exactly as you said and told him I was concerned and wished I could help but that I had so many new expenses in this setting up a new household and that this two household thing is just a costly proposition. I suggested he say no to the kids more and make them realize that all of this is a financial struggle as much as it is emotional. They really need to kick in and be supportive of their Dad and not take advantage of his aloneness. They are old enough now. One thing about it is that we used to argue about this issue of always bailing out his kids. Now that I am out of the household he is feeling the impact of dealing with this issue alone and may come to the conclusion that I was right. He may have to learn to put his foot down all on his own. This will be a maturing process for him. <BR>As far as the other woman, I just feel I have to rise above all the emotionalism about that. This is adolescent low life behavior on their part..no sense me joining in that scenario. So I am off of that issue. I feel much better about my self on that count.<BR>Thanks for your response. You people will never know how much I appreciate you.<BR>Hugs to all of you!!!