<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

I think you need to stop and really think about all of this. First, it is clear that your S is getting his anger and frustration from your exBF. He sees it, he feels it, he cannot understand it, so he reflects it. Perhaps it is time to just BE. Have little or no contact with your exBF. I don't mean run, I mean just sit and let him work through this. He is hurting your S because clearly he is not controling his anger around him and probably didn't when you were gone. You need to provide a calm place for your S to live and you cannot do that when you are bouncing off of the walls that are your exBF's.

Your exBF is dealing with things he has had to surpress for a few years. He doesn't really have the tools to do it, who does. He didn't deserve what you did to him. I think that is fair to say. But, he did make several mistakes. He chose to be with you, and clearly he had issues. Perhaps his reticence to commit was in part to his feelings that you weren't stable. I don't know.

But the point is he is going to have to deal with this and you really cannot help him. He is also going to have to face that you aren't going away. You two have a S together and so are joined in life forever, unless one of you runs away from the S.

This brings me to the last thought I had. Let's assume the worst for a second. He cannot forgive. He cannot get rid of the anger. He cannot find love for you.

If that is the case what is the best possible outcome for you, your S, and him? It is for both of you to find someone that makes you happy and completes you. Similarly for him. If you and exBF are happy with your respective lives and mates, then your S has 4 parents to show him love and guide him in his life. That is not bad at all.

I suspect your S's comments about exBF's GF, is more about wanting peace. I suspect she looks like the calm one compared to your exBF and your efforts. Hence my previous suggestion that you calm down. Let this work out.

Finally, Kily there is something you have to admit to yourself. You said at one time you worked in an engineering organization. Do you know what entropy is? If so, then consider what you have done to be like entropy. Once you creat it, it cannot be undone. You cannot go back in time and fix this. You cannot make it right. You can only deal with the consequences. The same holds for your exBF. The options simply are: decide to come together and make the rest of your life a good one, not come together and make the rest of your life a good one, or let this continue to mess up your life.

You cannot fix your exBF.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

Here's something else to think about.

He is making it VERY clear that he wants me GONE. Why is he turning to me when he has a trigger? Wouldn&#8217;t his GF be the one to help him heal? I AM SO CONFUSED by this.

You are confused because he says he wants you gone, but you still have a connection, and his actions don't always say the same as his words.

You say you don't feel the need to date right now. Why not wait, and see what happens. We really don't know, do we?? It has been a long time since it happened, but he has never processed his feelings, until now. He is just now coming to grips with things. If this played out as it does many times here, he could still come around after he deals with things. You are still learning, and you are still growing, and improving. I agree with JL, back off, talk when HE wants to talk. Keep agreeing with him that you hurt him, ( and you, and son, and so on,) keep trying. You will improve, he may come around, and either way, you will be better able to live whatever your future will be. I admire your ability to focus, but a bright light focused too sharply will burn up what it is focused upon. Perhapse changing your focus to something else will let things cool off.

SS

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

I have really nothing to offer to your last post, but that you are on a journey, that is finally starting to show its purpose.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

kily,

I've never posted to you before but couldn't keep myself away from this one.

You said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kily:
<strong>No matter how much positive I do in my life, people are always going to view me in the contaxt of the GF that cheated on poor XBF.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm here to tell you that this is not true. I've seen a lot of WS's come to this site and pour out their pain, frustration and sorrow. I don't know if it's the way you communicate or the path you've taken or what exactly it is, but you definitely fall into the 3*sigma category.

You've done a lot, you've come so far. You're absolutely 100% correct when you say that's not who you are. IMHO, when you get to the point where you can look back on your mistakes and know that you have moved so far beyond them that you would not repeat those errors if you were faced with the same temptation, you are forgiven. You need to forgive yourself, kily.

You have done and are doing ALL YOU CAN DO to repair the damage. That's all you can be expected to do. He's got to do his part too, and frankly I think he probably will - but just like you, he will have to do it on his own time schedule, and in his own way. He's expressing his anger, and so many men can't/won't do that. You're expressing acceptance and love to him even though he's angry, and so many women can't/won't do that, either. You're doing an awesome job. I hope this mess results in a happy reunion for you both, and a secure family for your son, but nobody knows if it'll turn out that way. It'd be wonderful for you if it happens. If it doesn't, you are much better prepared for a happy, fulfilling life than ever before.

Enjoy it. No matter what the path, enjoy it.

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: o2bsane ]</small>

Kily,
Don't beat yourself up based on what you think others will think of you. The question is how do you REALLY feel about yourself?

The great thing about spirituality (no matter who you choose to be your God) is forgiveness. Rest assured if you have asked for forgiveness then you have recieved it. Now YOU have to forgive YOURSELF. I know that's easier said than done, I feel like a hypocrite just writing it. I still have not forgiven myself for the things in my past, what they did to my wife, what they did to my marriage, what they did to my relationship with God. But I know He has forgiven me, and that's all that matters.

As far as your XBF becoming irritated at your new found spirituality, it's probably fear. He's afraid that now your going to move on without him, that you have found something to replace him, that he cannot make you happy no matter what.

I still tell my wife all the time I want her to be HAPPY, no matter what the cost. I pray every day that it's me that makes her happy. But, if it comes right down to it, and it's not me that makes her happy, if it's someone or something else I can't say how I will deal with that. Your XBF may be at that bridge now, and unsure exactly how he's supposed to cross it. I'm guessing all along he's been telling you he wants you to find true happiness (and he does) but secretly inside he wanted you to find it with him.

Just my 2 cents worth, probably only worth 1 1/2 but you have helped me so much by being so strong I'd give you a quarter if I could <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Today is just the uphill side of your roller coaster, fight your way to the top and the butterflies will return, or you'll hit the plateau and just move forward. Either way, today is only today, and tomorrow is what you make it.

Take care Kily

Kily

I agree with Os, you need to forgive yourself, and sometimes it's just the hardest thing isn't it? Sometimes it all comes back, crashing over you what a complete and utter mess you have made of everything, what and who you have destroyed, and the guilt, sadness and pain is overwhelming.

Kily, look back on your posts on this thread, and see how far you've come, what a good person you are, and how strong you are becoming.

I have days where I just cry and cry about nothing or everything, and other days I feel confident and moderately happy. I miss H alot (it's a week today since our meeting, and we haven't spoken since), but I have to let go, stop the worrying, and work on me. And that's what you're doing so successfully.

Take care and wishing you well from London.
Lisa

Kily,

I would suspect that your exBF sees all of this. He sees the girl (yup girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> men see women as girls you know) he loved, grow and become exactly the person he always hoped she would be, but there is ssooooo much to overcome. He probably resents that this has happened now, rather than when HE was trying so hard. In someways it would be easier for him if you had stayed the way you were.

But, the reality of this situation is that you always had the good in you and he knew it. Your actions notwithstanding, he saw the good and couldn't get to it.

Kily, I think you need to address the difference between remorse and guilt. I may have said this to you before, but you need to carry remorse with you for what you have done, but you shouldn't carry the guilt any further. The purpose of guilt is to get someone to STOP the bad things they are doing. You did that, and you went a few steps further. You examined yourself deeply and made many many positive changes to bring out the girl your exBF knew was inside of you. Rejoice in what you have done. Don't let guilt get you down. It should really be gone.

The remorse on the other hand is a good thing. It says that you do know right from wrong. It says you have learned from your mistakes, and you carry this with you so that you won't make them again. So that you won't have to ever feel guilty again.

You have NOT failed Kily. You have learned, you have grown, and you have changed from a girl to a woman. You have learned what is important. How to value someone in your life. Some guy is going to be sooo lucky to find you. If were only 25 years younger and single, I would be interested in a woman such as yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kily, you need to understand something. What you are going through is part of life. We make mistakes, we learn from them, we make new mistakes, we learn more. It is just the learning part of life that we all go through continously. You are no worse than anyone else. You are doing what we all did. We grow, learn, grow, learn, and we try to do it better the next time. That is what you have been and are doing. Relax, you are normal and you getting better and better all of the time.

God Bless,

JL

sparkle of tears on your cheeks
cleansing tears
surrendering tears
humble tears
tears of reconciliation
tears of naked wounds
tears that open your soul
to future wonderment
God's peace
God's love

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

ooops

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 09:45 AM: Message edited by: o2bsane ]</small>

When JL is giving his best to someone here ... I prefer to read his words, reflect on what he wrote, and learn.

JL's the best in my book!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

KILY,
I have to run as I have a big outing to go on today. I did want you to know I read your thread, and I'm thinking of you.

You are very lovable, and you will be loved again , of course. I know how you feel, exactly--my friend.

Thanks for inspiring me!!
H_P