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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 110
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Adrian Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 110
Hi all,

it took me a long time to come to this point. H's A with OW2 started almost 4 years ago, D-Day1 in May 2000, and is still ongoing, however not as intensively as it used to be. But, they still work together, and travel together - and I'm supposed to cope with that?! In the meantime, we now have OW3 in the picture, too!

Anyway, I'm now 99,99% percent sure this M is not worth of saving, and I'm in peace with that. Why, it is a result of deep, long, and honest soul search. It is not about the A, not about he has done, but about what's he doing now, about his character flaws I tried to cope with since ever, and about the whole environment I'm living in:

1. He will never change. He is heavy conflict avoider, and nothing that I've tried to do didn't change that. No matter how safe environment for him I created.

2. He will never grow up. Simply, he doesn't need to. By being very manipulative (and even addmitted to that, openly), he creates a perfect world to suit his selfish ego. All his family enables and supports his behaviour, and he never needed to take responsibility for his decisions and actions. Sadly, even I contributed, but I'm aware of it now.

He's not happy with his life, considers himself unsuccessful, but inspite of his undisputable intelligence, he never made any move to change that - never graduated, never changed a job, even this one he didn't find himself but his parents did. However, he blamed everything and anything for the course of his life - only not himself.

3. He keeps lying, hiding, leading a double life, spending his money the way he wants, doing what and how he pleases... and avoiding ANY talk about us, or my needs, D's needs .... I don't see this change any time soon.

4. When I take a good look at his behaviour - I actually see my FIL, his behaviour and FIL's marriage. It's exactly the same matrix and it's not going to change, it's getting worse as the time pass. My FIL was incredibly selfish, nasty character, with no respect for a single soul on this planet, MIL included. I can't imagine being married to a person that never call me by name, or ANY kind of name - only "she", "mother", "woman".

5. We used to be very close. Now I can't discuss anything with him without him imposing his will and opinion. We can't reach to common decision about anything, no matter how samll a decision is.

6. He used to be very good father. Now, he's simply not up to level for raising 15 yo D. Doesn't understand her needs and problems - and doesn't bother to. And she lost all respect for him due to As and seeing him how he treats me.

7. POJA is out of question. It's either his way or nothing. And I should be happy having him at home - "What else do you want? You won" he said.

Sure I can go on for hours, but that would do.

For the sake of that 0,01% of doubt left in me, give me your two cents, please.

Love,
Adrian

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 829
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Hi Adrian,

I just wanted to post to you to let you know that I understand. I knew it was over in my marriage once affair #2 was underway. But I knew 100%. As much as I like and needed MB, I would go to the recovery forums and read about how some of these marriages that were recovered were two, three years later. I would read about new discoveries, new other women. I knew my husband (after 19 years of marriage) and I just knew in my gut that he would never be able to be true to me. He would have had the same attitute your husband does...the "you won" thing.

OW#2 was (is) a co-worker. Had been for 20 years or so. They are now engaged and own a home together.

I am not trying to discourage you, just to say that I knew I was not strong enough to keep going through the mess. I believe he really loves this OW and I couldn't guilt him in to staying for the kids sake alone.

I guess my point is...when you KNOW you KNOW. In my soul search I told myself that I'd better get ready, I'd better find a way to start accepting this new life. MB helped a lot, showed me both sides of which way this could go, and the thought of years of back and forth was more than I could take.

I hope you take very very good care of yourself right now. You seem very logical, that is great. I was a big ole mess. Your needs have not gotten met in a very long time and you are losing your love. Happens here all the time.

Just one thing, I used my kids as crutches too much. I told them too much and I wanted them to hate their dad. BIG MISTAKE. They love their dad and always will. Thank God they were strong enough to handle all of this. Let your daughter decide on her own..don't give her details. She has the right to love her dad, even if he is a schmuck.

Take care of yourself...it's just awful, all of this. You really will be fine.

allison

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 110
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Adrian Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 110
Az Allison,

thanks for reply. Well, I talk rationally, but I am a mess emotionally. I just had to come to this point, and make myself realize this is a matter of character, not some past action.

He crawled back home after 7 months living in BIL's apartment, running full blown affair. No remorse, no honesty, protection...I never got anything I desperately needed to recover. He just wanted to sweep everything under rug - and keep both worlds (that I understood later).

He came on his own decision, and said he came for me, and for our family, and wants to rebuild. Never lived with OW, although it would be easily feasible - she is single and owns her house. I guess he ran away from yet another obligation/commitment. Or, he wdidn't want to lose me in case she dies. She was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer, at the age of 31. Whatever it was, it speaks a lot about his character.

As for him, he claims he returned to stay, and doesn't want to go anywhere else. If he wouldn't be here, he'd be alone, says. Our marriage could go on forever - hes perfectly satisfied with the order he made. I mean, for most of the time he is at home immediately after work, spends all weekends at home, helps with housework here and there, and as long as I don't shake the water, the atmosphere at home is, say, good. When he talks about future always uses "we", he makes plans about buying a house in a few years time ... but there is nothing in his actions that supports his words.

He lives in his own world, and basically we're just roommates. I get none of my needs met - honesty, protection, respect, sharing and doing things together, emotional closeness (we used to be very close), open communication, intimacy, admiration ... none, zero... for a long time.

Sure enough, I caved too, and don't even try to meet his needs. I've been plan Aing far too long, 3 years, trying everything and anything, and basically enabled him to have his cake and eat it too. I see it now. Now, I'm sure he'll never change.

Love,
Adrian

M 15 years, together 19, both 40, Gov. employees

OW1, EA, D Day Feb 97 - H told me out of guilt - ended almost immediately, H turned the world upside down to make me forgive him and stay married

OW2 - EA/PA, D Day May 2000 - H attempted suicide, moved out 8/00, moved in 2/01, false recovery, EA ongoing, probably PA too.

OW3- EA/PA (I can't confirm PA) D Day Sept 02. Seems it's just for fun, boosting his ego. However, it's ongoing too.


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