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Joined: Oct 2000
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Adrian Offline OP
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WH went to a parent's meeting at D's school last evening and forgot his cell phone at home. I check it, as I often do, and saw OW1 called him around lunch time. She does it almost daily. Not that I approve the A, but I've learned how to live with that - I remind myself constatntly that I have to finish my PhD and get a better payed job before I leave, otherwise I couldn't support me and D. I'm only months away from graduation.

But, I lost it completely when OW2 called from her home number - right, I chose a very bad moment, after WH told me about D's bad grades, but I simply couldn't bite my tongue any more. After I told my daughter what I think about her grades, I told WH "Yea, and I have to tell something to you, too: your bimbo No2 called..." One of very rare LBs I've ever done, but I just couldn't take it any more!

He freaked out, and turned ballistic - pushed me, yelled "you stupid cow","what do you fu****g know why she called me!", "get the fu****g out", started breaking things around him, and yelled, cursed, yelled, pushed me again ... than slammed the door and left only to turn back some half an hour later.

I deal with his angry outbursts almost 3 years, since the A#1 started, but he never hit me nor pushed me. I just can't take it any more, and I'm seriously thinking of leaving, even if it means I have to cook grass for me and D to survive. How on earth am I going to do that, practically without incomes?

Please respond, I badly need someone to encourage me.

Love,
Adrian

Joined: Jul 2002
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Adrian

I don't know your whole story, but what you said touched me. I don't know how helpful I can be, but know that people here will be along soon who can give you much better advice that me.

Firstly, why are you moving out anywhere? You have your D and your H is the one still involved with 2 OW. This doesn't seem quite right. If you WH wants his space tell him to go - or would he see his D homeless too?

Secondly, the physical and verbal nature of his attack on you is completely unacceptable, whatever you may have said. Give yourself time to calm down and space. What do you want, and why are you accepting that he still has contact with OW1, let alone OW2? If you want to save your M, you do not have to live with his continued lies and deceipt. What boundaries have you asked that he live with? Have you had any MC?

I'm sorry if this is information you have already given, but it seem completely unfair to me at the moment that you live with his continued multiple A's then are fearful because of his behaviour, and then, he is suggesting you move out. Doesn't add up to me.

Keep your chin up and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Joined: May 2002
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Adrian-

Sorry to hear of your troubles but keep posting here and you can figure it out! LIL is right and you shouldn't be putting up with the emotional and physical abuse. I know that can be a tough cycle to break away from but you definitely have options. You mentioned you were a student, can you qualify for student loans? How about family or friends? Also, I noticed you registered at this site in 2000. How long has all of this been going on? Hang in there....

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Thanks Lisa and Litchfeld,

I'll try to put a long story as short as possible:

I'm 40,MSc in Mech.Eng. working on my PhD. I'm married 15 years to my University fellow, 9 months my junior, who never graduated, but is now very close to graduation (I'm not saying he puts some effort into it...). We met 19 years ago, and have one 15 yo daugter. I'm of a mixed origin - Irish, Austrian, Croatian with some German roots too and my H is Croatian. Currently, live in Croatia.

In my opinion, my marriage was the best thing ever happened to me, until 1996 when H had EA with co-worker. It ended almost immediately after D-Day and H was all over me and remorseful, did everything possible to recover marriage.

So, technically, OW1 that I deal with now is, in fact OW2, if that first EA counts, and it was all together 3 OW (to my knowledge). This current OW1 came into picture probably Nov/Dec 1999, H says Jan/Feb 2000. She's co-worker too, H is her direct (first) boss. EA grew to the extent that h attempted suicide in July 2000, spent 1 month in mental hospital and moved out to BIL's appartment after release. He never lived with OW, but she lives only 300 meters from BIL's apartment. At that time, it turned to full blown PA, and we were separated 7 months. During that time, in Dec 2000 OW was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer at the age of 31, had radical surgery and 6 chemos, and H was going everywhere with her - taking care for her that he never did for me, not even when I ended up in hospital on urgent surgery due to extrauterine pregnancy.

H came home on his own will, I should better say he crawled back home, and never asked for forgiveness, no remorse, nothing. But, he said, he wants his family, wants me. I did my best to be patient, tried to understand when he cried to me for her and her illness ... but as the time was passing - nothing has changed. Even worse, he kept in daily contact with her after working hours, and my MIL was on OW's father funeral - almost a year after H came back home!!

I don't have my family, only two good friends, and I can't count on H's family - they support him and his fantasy world, and blame me for everything bad ever happened to him. However, when he decided to come back home, they all expected me to act as if nothing really happened, and they acted that way too - never said sorry, although ALL of them knew and hid them, invited them to spend weekends in their's cottages, etc.

OW2 (or should I say 3) is freshly divorced 26 yo slut, with 2 small boys - 8 and 6, again a co-worker. I say slut, because she is - she flirts with every man in the company and dresses slutty. Boy, you should read WH and her's correspondence! It's all about sex... I discovered she is in the picture last September.

I believe OW1 doesn't know for OW2, and I fantasize sometimes about sending H's letters for OW2 to OW1 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How I see it: I think H has serious issues regarding his character - first of all very low self esteem, then heavy conflict avoidance. I believe it stems from his childhood - he lived in emotinally very cold family, his father was nasty, incredibly selfish character with no respect for a single soul on Earth, MIL included. Mother was defensive towards father, and protective to 3 sons she had, and filled her emotional gaps by streamlining her love twards her children. Since she had only boys, that love was a kind of unnatural,possesive, and definitely turned all three of them into emotianally challenged persons.

Lisa, I followed your story, and I'd like to know you better. Can you e-mail me?

Litchfeld, no, unfortunately, I can't get scholarship. However, I work full time, but my salary is very low. So, I'm fighting for better position - not an easy task in the country with 20% unemployment ratio. I feel stuck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Love,
Adrian

Joined: Mar 2002
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Well, you have rights - loads, in fact. He owes you child support of about 15% of his net income, possibly there's a minimum. On top, he owes you maintenance. So far the legal side, as I understand it.

**edit**

What does your H think about MC? Does he understand why he is behaving that way? Doe she understand how he hurts you?

Last edited by MBLovebanker; 03/15/11 05:59 AM. Reason: removing other site reference

found out about WW affair 2002. moved out '03. back together '05. moved out again & divorced '06
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Adrian

I will e-mail you directly, but whether I can help you or not, I really don't know. I will do everything I can, but sometimes feel ill equipped to give people advice.

Take care of yourself.

Lisa

Joined: Mar 2002
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Nobody should have to deal with abuse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My personal opinion is that the betrayed should not move out...why should they give up the comfort and familiarity of their home?


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