Hi MB friends,
I haven't had a chance to post in a week. It's been a very busy time due to a large family happening/party that took place yesterday.

On top of this , I had a bit of a revelation the past two weeks. It's been brewing for a while, but it hit me between the eyes quite frankly during the week.

I am done pursuing my exH, and trying to revive our now long gone marriage. I still love him, but I see now that it is simply not healthy to continue hoping and praying for something that will not happen UNLESS he too wants it to happen. The man is clearly happy alone, as others who know both him and me well have pointed out in a gentle way.

LEt me elaborate, and explain what helped me to see things clearly.

One of his family members had to have surgery. She lives far away, and he didn't inform me of the surgery until it had been done five days earlier. There was a good chance the lady had cancer, and I felt petrified for her. For one thing, the type of cancer is a particularly deadly one, and another thing-she just lost her own 19 year old son to cancer a few years ago, not to mention her father.

As soon as I heard of the surgery, I sent her a card and plant. I haven't spoken with her since we separated, but I have sent cards to the family.

I continually asked him if he'd heard the diagnosis from the surgery. It was said to have looked 'suspicious'. Here's what I was upset over...he NEVER called his brother, to find out about the sister in law's surgery outcome. He called another older relative, but they knew nothing. The apathy and disinterest in expressing his concern to his brother over his brother's wife really was upsetting to me. Finally, TWO WEEKS after the surgery, he called his brother. He spoke with the patient herself, and yes---it is cancer. ExH didn't bother to call and tell me he'd heard this news. Instead, our son called him coincidentally that same day . I asked our son to ask his dad if there was news on his aunt. ExH didn't ask to speak to me, but told our son the news and information about the lady. What sad, horrible news. It's caused me to lose sleep, and the worry had too before I knew.

Another thing happened a few weeks ago that upset me greatly. Our daughter's car had broken down while she was at my parents' home. She stays there quite often during the school year as it's near her college. ExH went down and spent two days repairing the car, in front of their home. My parents are elderly people. I heard from another mutual relative (my parents wouldn't complain) that when each of them went out to speak with him, separately, he barely said hello and gave them the complete cold shoulder.

Here's where reality comes in for Hopeful_Person. This man told me he was 'reconsidering' reconciliation three months ago. He also told me he'd make 'baby steps'. If this is 'reconsidering' and 'baby steps', it doesn't look too promising, does it?

This isn't the sort of love or devotion that I'm wanting in life. I watch how people treat other people. What really cemented it for me was his lack of interest in calling his own brother to find out about his sister in law's surgery outcome. How loved did these people feel, with him ignoring the whole surgery issue?

He's treated me this way throughout the separation and divorce. A month ago I was injured in a freak accident (didn't share that here) and my children told him about it. No concern was voiced, not even a question to me. Even when our son was going through a health issue, he didn't call me after his initial MD appointment to see the outcome. I had to call exH, when he knew we'd gone to the doctor.

In our marriage it was always me giving, giving, arranging, planning, and initiating conversation. I can see things now in exH that I never was able to see before. It's clear to me now.

The other day, a person (relative on my side who is still close with him) who knows both of us well and actually DISOWNED me during the A said to me, "You deserve more than this kind of love in life. He's happy to be alone, and you deserve someone who gives. Don't reconcile for the sake of the children, or for memory's sake." It was ironic, coming from someone who was so mad at me for the affair--she was right to be mad, don't get me wrong. I agree with what she said. She said she loved my exH immensely, and he was a great guy, but he was very satisfied to be alone- in her opinion. I do agree with this.

So I am throwing in the towel. My 'love bank' for him is not feeling full. The pivotal moment was when I realized how he was treating his own brother in their time of need.

His lack of expressiveness and overall apathy in many areas was a huge lack of concern in our marriage. Even when I started the affair, and pr warned him flat out-I got apathy. It's still the same. I still contend at times that he wanted the marriage to end, but didn't have the courage. 'Pushing' me away and into an affair would be a great way for it to end, without him doing it. He did file for Divorce, and was never interested in saving the marriage after separating and learning of ExOM.

If he wanted to be with me, he would. He doesn't want it, and maybe it's better that way. We married very young, before I knew who I was, and before he knew who he was. He and I are polar opposites in many ways.

It's time to detach, and fade away. I tried to restore this relationship for a long time, but I'm tired of his indecisiveness, and most of all his passivity.

In the marriage, I often begged for love. He had very low interest in physical closeness. I'd often tell him what I wanted to do in life, but he'd tell me he had no dreams. It was hard to love someone who was so withdrawn, deathly quiet, and passive. I don't excuse what I did in having an affair, but before we could ever heal as a couple he needs to take ownership of his role in all of it. He won't do that, and he has no interest-again- in being with me, or anyone else.

The 'dinner' invitation he mentioned in mid-september has never been mentioned again-except when I did once a few weeks later. I won't bother anymore.

Hope this has made sense. Please give me your insight! If you were in my shoes, would you send him/talk to him of why this decision was made to quit trying?

HP

<small>[ November 01, 2003, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

Well, I for one am happy to hear this because it has been painful to watch a giving, loving person pursue such a lost cause. Especially after your recent post when he told you he felt nothing and then sat there like a statue while you sobbed. It does seem like he has found his niche in living alone and simply has no motivation to change.

If it were me, I wouldn't even talk to him about this; I would just move on. I think he is so detached that it wouldn't even phase him anyway.

I think this is great news, HP, and I hope you feel good about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"empathy"

You never had any for him.

He had never any for you.

You should not have wasted each other's time.

Please be co-operative for the kids.

Damn, H-P, I am sorry to hear this. And yet I can't say I am totally surprised. As hard as you have tried there should have been more interest in recovery from your exH by now. He seems to be content with where he is now. Do not feel that you have wasted your time the past few years; you needed to know that you had done all you could. I hate to say this, and I don't want you to blame yourself, but I have always felt that a part of your exH died after the Dv. Sometimes I think that the loss of hope that occurs at the ending of a M is simply too much to overcome later. I am begining to feel that loss in my M now.
I am not going to tell you how to move on from here. "Get on with your life, keep yourself busy." We have all heard it many times. The fact is you hurt. You still love your exH, you always will and you should. But you are now going to have to shift your attention to other things. Time, they say, it the great healer. For you, for all of us here, I hope it's true.
Take good care of yourself. (((((H-P)))))
Stay strong.

H_P,

I am sorry to hear your news. But I am also glad that you seem to have made a decision. I don't know if you read my post on your last thread but I addressed what you are dealing with some.

I know it is hard to give up. It was hard for me. But I do believe I was trying to restore something that wasn't there in the first place. I was trying to restore the vision of what I dreamed my life with my Ex-h could be. I was in love with the man I thought that he could be. But I came to the realization, much as you have, that it wasn't to be. I know that if he had tried perhaps we could have worked things out. But would I have been happy? I don't know. I was much as you, the GIVER. I am so happy to be in a give and take relationship now.

I know that you did something wrong, YOU know you did something wrong. But that doesn't change the fact that your marriage needed help and your ex, at least at this time, is unwilling or unable to do his part. I learned that too, you can't do it alone.

It is sad to say but I think I was in sort of a fog, wanting so badly to restore my marriage. It clouded my deep down knowing of the fact that our marriage was in limbo and no matter what I tried my ex was not going to ever be the man that I hoped he would be. I loved him but he was much as your ex in actions, and had grown increasingly distant and discontent with his life. He was unhappy inside and nothing from the outside could change that. I was growing so tired of it all when WHAM the affair hit and suddenly I had to fix it all. I had to restore the marriage. But it didn't happen and once I came to grips with that it led the way to healing and happiness.

We cannot make a marriage ourselves, we cannot survive in a loveless vacuum. Marriage is time and labor and love shared by two people who have a commitment to making it work. I will never settle for less again.

Hugs to you H_P. I wish you all happiness.

Sharon

Hope this has made sense. Please give me your insight! If you were in my shoes, would you send him/talk to him of why this decision was made to quit trying?

NO... Your actions (as his have) alone now will be speaking loud and clear.. If you do, it is nothing more than a different pursuit angle that you may be secretly hoping he tries to change your mind on..
Let it go.. Don't try using excuses that you need closure or whatever for telling him you have quit trying... He will notice. trust me....


I think this is a very wise decision that you seem to have finally dedided. Pursuing just does not work.You may even find after you finally stop any and all pursuit,(which is when they usually come back) that things will get better and he will start to make some effort.

I am glad to see this decision and am very happy for you. It is healthy to let go and stop being in pain.


If he wanted to be with me, he would.

It really always boils down to that very simple statement. And if he changes his mind, he will let you know without any prompting on your part...

Life is good. Enjoy it each and every day.

H_P,

I sit here sort of sad, and sort of glad.

I am sad that you have not achieved what you wanted with respect to your exH and that your hope is gone. That bothers me deeply.

Yet, I am glad that YOU came to this realization. It was always a distinct possibility that this would be the final answer. What makes me happy is that YOU arrived at it on your own, by simply observing your exH and how he interacts with everyone around him.

I would love to offer you some sage advice about how to move on with your life, but I really don't have enough information to do that. I would suspect that you should continue as you have, but if and when the opportunity to date comes up, do so.

This all may be a test by your exH, but you have expressed deep concern over his lack of concern for his brother and SIL. I would not jump to the conclusion that he feels nothing or that he may have waited out of repect for his brother to tell him. It is a very real possibility.

What is evident is that you two lead your lives differently. It can be a help to balance strengths against weaknesses and it also be very destructive.

I hope you keep posting, and I hope that your decision brings you peace. You know you have tried and that is really all you can do. Many things can never be undone, and something should never be done.

But, the point is that no matter what happened in the past, you have done your best to rebuild. It was and is after all his choice to come back to the marriage. You gave him the opportunity to make that choice. Many WS's never offer that to their spouses. You have done well H_P, please recognize that.

God Bless,

JL

H_P->

I'm a bit farther along than you and all I can say is that you need to give this some time before you really choose to move on.

HE IS making baby steps. Baby steps are baby steps.

He has his reasons for being who he is, and doing what he does. I love you dearly and I mean this with this kindest of intentions:
You are judging him and your walls are going up. Step back and give this room.

Now, what I suggest is that you take a deep look at what it was that you wanted with him. Then look at who he IS. Take him off of that BS pedastal that you have him sitting on and SEE what he is. Then ask yourself, CAN I ACCEPT HIM FOR WHO HE IS. If you judge him and try to change him to meet your ideas and expectations, then you aren't capable of truly loving him.

You've worked so hard and you're stopping now for some perceived notions that may or may not be correct. Make sure that you're not using this latest "stuff" as an excuse to stop because it's seemingly impossible to you at this moment.

Unless you believe with all of your heart, then it can NOT be.

Lastly, I recommend that if you DO truly deecide to throw in the towel, be CLEAR and honest to your X about it. It will do him MORE damage if you turn on a dime. He will NEVER trust that your intentions were true and that you WERE capable of change if you simply stop. In a way, he needs a Plan-B letter to let him know that you loved him, but can no longer fight the fight unless he truly wants to help.

I hope this helped.

H_P-

I'm sorry to read that you're losing hope in some sort of R with your XH. At the same time, it's good IMO that you're starting to really contemplate a future that might not revolve around life with your XH. Happiness is out there though it may be in a different form than you previously envisioned.

From what I've read on these boards, reconciliation is far from a sure bet with two active participants and it's obvious he'd be a reluctant partner at best. I don't have any suggestions on how you might've been able to satisfy your needs with his passive nature. Something would have to give....

I'd suggest that instead of making a big deal of how you're going to stop pursuing R, you simply stop. Figure out additional things to do with your time that might fill those gaps where lonliness creeps in on you. I think with time you'll discover that letting go was the best thing you could've done. Good luck to you....

H_P,

I gotta agree with Litchfield here. I don't think you should make a big deal out of not pursuing.I think any declaration on your part might seem a ploy to him. He will get the picture soon enough. I think you should focus on the other areas of your life. Giving up, at least for me, was very freeing. You expand alot of time and mental energy trying to reconcile with an unwilling partner. Hope you are doing okay, we haven't heard from you in awhile.
Sharon

HI Everyone,
I will respond to each of your responses later on this evening. Thanks so much, I've thought deeply about all of them.

Work has been crazy busy, but all is well. My job is demanding, and I knock myself out to do a great job.

I'm sticking with my decision, and it is a good thing to feel free of the burden of hoping, waiting, and wishing--not to mention fantasizing about a reconciliation.

Will write more-tonight, I hope! I still love him deeply, but see reality for what it is.

Take care and thanks again for your time. You are all the best, and I plan on staying on at MB to lend my thoughts to others who have similiar plights and circumstances.

More later,

HP

(((((H_P)))))) - a big cyber bear hug for you.

I always said you'd know when it was right for you to either move on or not. H_P I do honestly believe you did your best, as I did as other's here do. Reconciliation just isn't always possible, however hard we try.

I'm so very sorry for you, I know how much you love this man, but I know you will be OK. You are a strong, kind and thoughtful woman. You'll come through the other side, you'll have learnt, you'll do better next time.

Take best care of you H_P, keep busy on Sundays for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lisa (raining in London tonight!!)

Hi H_P,

I have read and re-read this thread, but I can't come up with a decent post back to you. I just can't bring myself to do a "you'll be fine" post, even though I know you will. (meaning no disrespect to those that tell you you'll be fine, because you need to know that.)

I think I wanted this to work for you, because I wanted you to be able to know that you made things right and getting back together was a very good way for that to happen. I wanted it to work for him, because without your help, he may never have a chance at relational education again.

May I ramble?

I have so many thoughts about you, and xH. I had hoped he would learn from this, and change, and improve so that reconcillation would work. I had hoped that somehow you, with your faith and love could help him with that. Perhaps it cannot be, for he had choices, and he has made them right along. He could have come when you asked him to, but he has not.

The second or third time through, I wondered what would happen if he were to come to you and say: "H_P, I have been a fool. You are a wonderful person and I want you in my life. What do we need to do now to make this work."

Your answer to that may help you know if you are really finished, or just tired from the long journey. I think I agree with Kily. If you think about this for a time, and in another few weeks you still feel it is over, you will still have plenty of time to go where you want to go.

It is your call, you have given a great deal of sweat and tears lately. I have never expected you to go on forever.

Many of the reasons you bring forth have to do with him. Tell me how you are doing emotionally after all this time. Please tell me your recent feelings as you came to the conclusions you relate above.

I have a hard time believing he can never improve or change. I can believe he may not be motivated to do so. You have sought for that motivation for quite some time now, perhaps all your married life.

I wonder why I am asking you some of these things. I really don't want to sway your decision, or tell you what to do. Perhaps it is sadness, perhaps - I don't know, perhaps I am afraid for him, that without your help he won't ever learn or change.

I do realize that you can't help him with out his permission or consent. I realize you are not married and have no
responsibility for his health or wellbeing.

You showed such power - to come back from what you have been through, and to realize that much of the state of your marriage was his fault - but to continue to try for recocillation. I have a great respect for you.

Most likely, you have already had all these thoughts, and worked through them. I wish you happiness for your future.

SS

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I think the process you've gone through, while not resulting in a reconciliation, has been healing for you. You can say you tried to make amends, you apologized, you recognized your error. But your XH had made his own errors, which he is unable or unwilling to recognize.

You can know now that you did everything you could to restore the marriage but recognize that your XH is not capable to create with you the marriage you need to make you whole. Take time now to focus on your independance and put your house in order so to speak. Best wishes to you HP.

Hi MB Friends,

I finally have some time this evening. The last few evenings I literally collapsed from exhaustion and didn't have time to post adequately here.

Tonight I saw exH for the first time in a long time. (two weeks?) I haven't been talking to him about the kids, they have been relaying messages.

Last year, he gave me something from his company to pass out on Halloween. This year, he asked sons to ask me at the last minute if I wanted them. I'd thought of it earlier this week, but didn't call him. I said 'yes' when he asked sons if I wanted these items to pass out, and he brought them by this morning. When he came by tonight to get the boys, I merely thanked him. I didn't say much else. He'd startled me when he first walked up to the door (It is Halloween) and I jumped and we both laughed at that.

I don't know if he's noticed the change in me, but I suppose he has in a way. (Instead of calling him 'live', I'm leaving messages now regarding the kids. ) As far as noticing the change in me, I don't know if he has. He never noticed much of anything as far as emotion/communication so it's hard to say. I'm not saying that as a DJ, it's the plain and simple truth.

When I saw him tonight, I did realize again how much I still do love him, and wish he were here. I suppose this is something I'll have to deal with for a long time. Nonetheless, I was simply tired of hoping/praying with no response.
To each of your replies. Thanks so much! I've thought of all this deeply. It's a very hard road.

Melodylane,


Your response cemented much of how I feel. Thanks for understanding how I felt when this happened:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, I for one am happy to hear this because it has been painful to watch a giving, loving person pursue such a lost cause. Especially after your recent post when he told you he felt nothing and then sat there like a statue while you sobbed.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was a rather pivotal moment in my mind. Our son had just had surgery, and was thankfully doing fine. I asked for a hug of comfort, and got yet another rejection. As I stood there wailing, he stood motionless and detached. This is hard to take, although I didn't give up then.

Thanks for your understanding. It's still not easy to let go at every moment, but I realize it's something I must do.

Olderand wiser
Thanks for adding your thoughts, too. I naturally disagree that we NEVER had empathy for each other. We most certainly did, and I still do for him. I think he does for me too, but he doesn't want to show it.

Yes, we're as good as ever for the kids' sake.

We were married for years and years before I messed up. (17 years before A started) It wouldn't have lasted that long had there been no caring, nor empathy.

Finally, Older, I don't consider any of it to have been a waste of time. He's a great person, and a fine father. Yes, he is detached in some ways as far as not being warm and fuzzy-but he's a good man and I for one would have loved to have had a dad 1/2 as bit as kind as he is, in so many ways.

Thanks, Older, again--for your thoughts.
23Down,
Thanks for your words too.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He seems to be content with where he is now. Do not feel that you have wasted your time the past few years; you needed to know that you had done all you could. I hate to say this, and I don't want you to blame yourself, but I have always felt that a part of your exH died after the Dv. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sadly, I do agree with you . He is a very changed person now. Thanks for your help and wisdom, 23Down.

Football Widow/Sharon ,
Thanks for popping in and checking up on me. You're right, giving up does feel 'freeing'. I was a prisoner to all this angst over this, for a long, long time now--even when I was still in the affair, for sure!

Yes, making the decision was a relief. I was simply spending too much energy thinking about him, what was, and what was gone. It was getting destructive in a way, not healthy.

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I do believe I was trying to restore something that wasn't there in the first place. I was trying to restore the vision of what I dreamed my life with my Ex-h could be. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, my husband was the man I thought he was but I think the affair simply crushed him too much as far as I'm concerned. It's understandable.

On the other hand, there were problems from the beginning of the marriage. I always needed/wanted him much more than he needed/wanted me.

You're right, I made a mistake. ExH is unwilling to get any help, or figure things out at all. It takes two, and he's unwilling.

I truly think he's happy alone. This was very true, and you said it so well... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
We cannot make a marriage ourselves, we cannot survive in a loveless vacuum. Marriage is time and labor and love shared by two people who have a commitment to making it work. I will never settle for less again.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do agree! Thanks again, Sharon, for all your help and support. Please keep coming here and updating us on your life.
KeepMvnForward
Thanks for adding your ideas. I agree that I am not going to say a word about my decision. It's easier this way, and he will figure it out one way or another. You're right, he'll see my saying anything as a pursuit angle.

This was interesting, too: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Pursuing just does not work.You may even find after you finally stop any and all pursuit,(which is when they usually come back) that things will get better and he will start to make some effort. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, indeed, for your help and reminder that Life is good!
JustLearning ,

Thanks for your kindness, and help, as always. You've assisted so many here at MB!

I'm glad that you agree it was a good thing for me to come to this realization. It is a heartbreaking one in that I feel he was different, when we were together--and now he's morphed back to the lonely, somewhat withdrawn man he was when we married. Someone else pointed out to me that he always was that way, but I saw him differently due to the love I felt for him. Who knows.

You also said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would suspect that you should continue as you have, but if and when the opportunity to date comes up, do so.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my heart I really don't feel ready to date anyone. Maybe I'm just not over all of this enough. I know I do still love him, and it will take time to get rid of my attachment to him, whether it was one-sided or not.

You may be right about the sister in law thing and him not asking out of respect. He doesn't seem concerned about it, like it's no big deal. I guess that's just his style.

You're right, many WS's never offer the choice that I offered. JL, do you think I should tell him anything, or just continue withdrawing as I've done these past 10 days?

Thanks again, JL, for your help and kindness.
KILY
How great to hear from you, too. I appreciate your ideas, but I don't see much baby stepping since the early part of August. He tried to make some , but as he told me in the middle of September.."I feel nothing for you, not a hint of chemistry..NOTHING." That is a pretty hard pill to swallow, Kily.

You're right, I suppose I am judging his actions. I don't think that's always a bad thing to do in life. If he wanted me, he'd tell me. If he wanted to be with me, he would. I think it all boils down to that. DDay was almost THREE years ago. That's a long time. He moved out three years ago, and hasn't missed me once. Doesn't that say something to anyone? I must be realistic.

I can accept him for who he is, but I can't accept a man who only returns to me for the sake of the children, without feeling anything for me. He told me that all I am to him is the mother of his kids. That's not much considering we first 'fell in love' 24 years ago.

I appreciate your thoughts on telling my exH, but I will have to think on that one. What's there to say? I've said it all to him, already, over and over.

I don't see how a Plan B would quite be appropriate. I still plan on speaking w/him politely about the kids, etc. I don't wish to do that sort of thing to him. (plan B) To me it doesn't make sense-no offense, please.

Thanks again, Kily, for your help and wisdom.
Litchfield ,
It's great to hear from you! Yes, I'm contemplating a future without him, and it's not looking as dismal as it once did. I feel over the hump of deep depression and sadness about all of this.

I haven't felt lonely lately, my job and family keep me too busy to feel it. I had a chance to go to a Halloween party tonight, but I opted to instead stay home with my children. That is just more appealing to me at this point, on this night.


Lisa in LONDON ,
How wonderful to hear from you as well. You're so sweet.

I will keep busy on Sundays for you. This upcoming weekend is full of plans. Unfortunately most of them are work plans, but I am going out for a special dinner tomorrow evening with family members.

Take care, Lisa!
Still Seeking
Thanks for your kind words. Your post was very helpful, and I appreciate the time you spent rereading the thread to figure out what to say.

You did say something that I feel is Very, VERY true. (more than one thing, in fact!)

You said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wanted it to work for him, because without your help, he may never have a chance at relational education again.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is true, but then again he doesn't want any 'education', or any relationship with me.

You know, if he said to me..as you proposed,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"H_P, I have been a fool. You are a wonderful person and I want you in my life. What do we need to do now to make this work."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would indeed want to be with him , yes. It is very true, you're right.

The problem is..he's not saying that. He is saying the opposite, and acting the opposite. I simply have to look at reality for what it is.

I am, however, willing to wait a few weeks or longer to see if I feel it is truly over. I think the problem for me is that I'll always love him, and part of me will never want to give up. Does that make sense?

I'm giving up as I simply am tired of the angst, the wishing, and the lack of response.

You asked me how I'm doing emotionally after all this time. I am doing much better. I've learned to let go of him, and now I do feel 'freer' in some ways. I simply was tired of holding on to a lost dream.

You're right, there were things I wish he could have changed our whole married life. But, on the other hand he probably felt that way about me too. I'd learned to accept him, so I thought, but the attentions and conversation, and caring (however shallow it truly was) from the OM drew me away.

YOu may be right that without me my exH can never change, etc, but for now he's happy alone. Isn't that important in all this?

Thanks SS for your ideas and thoughts. I am still thinking on him. I do know I love the man still, and always will.

Espoir,

Always great to hear from you too. I don't know much French, what does Espoir mean?

Thanks for your support, I suppose I have done all I can do .

I do feel I've healed through all of this. I never got his forgiveness, but I know I have it from God. I have also forgiven myself, in many ways. I don't blame ExH though for the state of our marriage, he is who he is.

This has gotten very long. Thanks to all of you for your help and wisdom. Now I'm sleepy, gosh the days get long.

God bless all of you,
HP

I'm shamelessly bumping this up. Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H_P

HI HP-

I didn't mean that you had to go to Plan-B. What I ment was that you simply let him know in a loving letter that you are letting go.

I think that doing that will free you, and respectfully let him know that you are moving on. I just think that after all of this work, it would be a discredit to you by not being honest and communicating your intent to your H.

Remember, I am farther down that road than you are and let me tell you, the pain doesn't go away. X is getting married in 6 months, and we both still have emotional attachments. No matter how much you work at cutting them, love is very powerful. You can't simply turn it off as your contact with him reminded you.

I've dated some, but I still get stuck on the feeling that I failed myself, the kids, and X. I guess, I'm worried that this is going to happen to you too. I want so much for you to be successful no matter what course you choose.

I admire all that you've done.

Much love to you-

Our own experiances are sure to affect the acvice we give. Perhaps I am seeing myself in your X - for he is what I was only a few years ago.

No kind words, no cards or flowers, no phone calls to anyone in need. I am not sure why we do all the things we do, or all the reasons we are what we are. I do know that with the proper stimuli we can change. I wish he had done so before your A, for you would have remained faithful forever.

It's not wrong to want love, and companionship. I believe you will continue to heal. I believe as you learn, and change yourself, your happiness will continue to grow. I recommend you give yourself some time before you begin to look out. Sometimes healing takes more time than we think.

While you have faults, you are a fine person in many ways. You need to believe that, to know it, before you move on. You need to have faith in, and be able to trust H_P. I believe in your abilities. I believe your heart is right.

You are trustworthy.

SS

HP -

You said several times in your long post that you're tired of the angst, the wishing and praying, the hoping, and the lack of response.

Could I suggest that instead of all of that (which is surely exhausting!) you take action? What's stopping you from them besides your own fear of rejection?

I know lots of people have suggested these actions to you before, and I completely respect your choice not to take them, if that's the direction you go in.

I guess what I'm saying is that you're exhausted because your emotions and your actions are pulling -you- in two different directions. Your emotions are ones of love for him, and exhaustion and frustration because he doesn't act like he loves you? That's what it sounds like, anyway.

So... I guess either way you take your actions -- acting in response to your love, or in response to your hurt, you're still in conflict with yourself. Sometimes you act in accord with one, sometimes in accord with the other.

I'm still stumbling around and thinking while I type, here, but is there anything you can do that brings your actions into harmony with -all- your feelings? I have no idea what that might look like, but maybe whatever it is would help you come into harmony with yourself, and allow you to find some rest and some peace in all of this.

Hrm. I think there's more to be said here, but I'm struggling with the thoughts too much to put them down in any coherent form. I hope this helps a bit, though!

Thanks Kily, Still Seeking, and Just J,

It's been a very busy weekend as far as work goes. Glad I can respond here.

Kily,
Okay, I do see what you mean about a loving letter. Just don't know what to do. I feel very confused about everything at this moment, so I choose the 'do nothing' route.

When you say you're 'farther down that road' I'm not sure I quite understand . ExH and I separated over three years ago. I thought you separated after that? Divorce was final over a year ago, and if I recall correctly you and exBF were still talking about your R last year, around the holidays. Just not sure what you mean, K.

I haven't dated, and don't want to. Just choosing to focus on my kids and my life without getting involved with anyone. Too much going on with me and my children to focus on a 'new' person. To me, it's better this way.

Love to you, too Kily! Thanks for your help and insight.

Still Seeking,
Thanks for the insight from a different perspective. It's hard to know why my exH behaves as he does. He has such walls around him.

I do want love and companionship, but not at this point. If he wanted to reconcile today, I would. I still love him. Just don't wish to 'look' for it anywhere else. I know that ExH understood me well, and believe it or not we did have a lot of closeness despite both of our weaknesses. I wish he craved that closeness still, but he's happy this way.

I do believe I'm a fine person, despite having the A. I don't treat myself harshly.

Thanks for the vote of confidence!


Just J,
Thanks for your thoughts, just not real sure on what you're saying.

Do you mean I need to go have a 'last stand' and plea with my exH? Please, I'm interested in what your ideas are but I'm not clear on what they are.

I guess in some ways I feel I've taken enough action, only to be met with cold rejection. It's draining. I have so much job stress that personal stress is crippling to me, and affects how I perform on a daily level.

I need to continue doing well at my job in order to support my children. By continually facing rejection and getting so depressed about it, it's simply not healthy.

I have acted lovingly towards him, but it has brought little results in reigniting anything he felt for me. Thus it seems healthier to simply accept that, and let go.

If he came to me tomorrow and wanted to reconcile, I would do it in a heartbeat. But he hasn't done that, and I don't believe he will. So, again, I have to be practical and realistic, as hard as that is .

Life sure can be hard, but I made my own mess here. When life got boring/dull/routine, I sought the excitement of an affair. ( Good grief, I didn't even hardly work then...a little job was all I had) It's a shame I didn't find MB then , and find better ways to 'self soothe' and deal with stress.

Hindsight is always 20/20!

Thanks for your input,
HP