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Joined: Nov 2003
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S.H. Offline OP
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Some of you might remember me from "Is Saving Marriage Always the Right Thing?" Well, if I just wouldn't have told H anything we would still be making it. The problem with this site is that everybody thinks that once you say "I do," no matter what stage you are at in your life that you need to stick to it. Yeah, there might not be physical/emotional abuse, but sometimes you need to be selfish and when you realize that you are NOT happy in your marriage--then END IT!!! Don't stick around b/c you "vowed" to. Find out who you are before you get there and if you failed to do that then it is OK to get out! I am in perpetual guilt, shame, and regret about my affair. If I never told I would still be pulling it off, but I would still feel the same. If I had the insight before having an affair to realize that "It is all right to realize that the one I married may not be the one for me. Go ahead with your feelings," then maybe I could have moved on without so much regret. Some of you out there have to realize that just b/c you are married that there is still room for re-evaluation and corrective measures!

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opps

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 03:07 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

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S.H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The problem with this site is that everybody thinks that once you say "I do," no matter what stage you are at in your life that you need to stick to it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you're "missed the point" that this is a "Marriage Building" site.
"Everybody" here (I would think) is trying to make their marriage work.

Or, why are "we" here" in the first place? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but sometimes you need to be selfish and when you realize that you are NOT happy in your marriage--then END IT!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This just isn't the way, "I" see it.
Being "selfish" isn't the problem. I actually would say that "Emotional Needs" are selfish and if they aren't being "fullfilled" we will be "Unhappy".

It's a matter of communicating the right way and not just "Ending it".

This is the whole problem about "Affairs". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The "affairees" are not only "selfish" about their Needs, they are also "cowards" when it comes to "talking about" their feelings to the "appropriate" person: Their spouse.

Having an affair will not "make the affairee" happier "longterm" because their inability to "communicate- honest and open" is the true problem.
And a affair is not based on "honesty".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't stick around b/c you "vowed" to </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Gosh, Do you have children??? Is this what you tell them????

I totally disagree with your point of view.

I have "never" had an affair and I tend to "keep" my promise.

I understand that everyone can make mistakes in life. But I also believe that we can all learn from our mistakes.

This seems to be the "CHUCK AND THROW AWAY CENTURY"! If something doesn't seem to work or if something is not the way it should be, it's simply "chucked and thrown away" and then replaced.

But is the problem solved????
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

bb

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Remember where you are, SH. Of course we advocate marriage preservation. Some people still view marriage as a life long committment. Obviously, you do not.

I would suggest that you re-negotiate your marriage contract by adding a 3 to 5 year clause that gives you the chance to get out if you're unhappy.

"S.H., Do you promise to love and cherish this man for as long as 3 to 5 years?" Say "I do!"

Yes, I'm being ridiculous. And so are you. People are not disposable and neither are relationships. That's why we make vows. It is apparent that you would like the freedom to treat both that way without any associated guilt.

I was once like you. I thought I deserved to be happy - that I'd just outgrown my marriage. Those were just stupid lies I told myself to justify equally stupid and selfish behavior.

How would you feel if your "soulmate" pops up one day and says "I've realized I want a younger, slimmer chick with more money than you. I know I promised to stay with you, but you understand I just have to be happy, don't you? Oh, and paying CS will make me unhappy as well, so good luck with the kids. Don't worry, they'll be ok."

You get my point?

Low

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Cool, disposable marriage partners! Like LowOrbit so eloquently pointed out, if your vows are at the mercy of the feeling de' jour, just make that clear before you get married. "I promise to honor, cherish,........til the next hottie comes along!"

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yeah, there might not be physical/emotional abuse, but sometimes you need to be selfish and when you realize that you are NOT happy in your marriage--then END IT!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I reread your earlier posts and didn't see mention of abuse. Is this something you haven't mentioned before?

This may not have been your intention, but this is how I interpreted your post. "Na na boo boo to all of you who believe in saving marriages even when things are difficult. To heck with all the advice and support I received from those of you who wanted to help me save my marriage and protect my children from my actions. I'm going to be selfish and I think you should do the same, even at the expense of your families."

I'm sure your children are thrilled for you.

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Some of you might remember me from "Is Saving Marriage Always the Right Thing?" Well, if I just wouldn't have told H anything we would still be making it. The problem with this site is that everybody thinks that once you say "I do," no matter what stage you are at in your life that you need to stick to it.

Marriage wasn't created by MB and it wasn't their idea to "stick to it." You stood before your spouse, witnesses and God promising to "stick it out."


Yeah, there might not be physical/emotional abuse, but sometimes you need to be selfish and when you realize that you are NOT happy in your marriage--then END IT!!! Don't stick around b/c you "vowed" to. Find out who you are before you get there and if you failed to do that then it is OK to get out! I am in perpetual guilt, shame, and regret about my affair. If I never told I would still be pulling it off, but I would still feel the same. If I had the insight before having an affair to realize that "It is all right to realize that the one I married may not be the one for me. Go ahead with your feelings," then maybe I could have moved on without so much regret.


This entire post sounds like a huge justification for you to rationalize what you did (or are going to do) in regards to your marriage. None of us are ready for marriage when we get married. Marriage is what does that. (Ref Passionate Marriage)

Some of you out there have to realize that just b/c you are married that there is still room for re-evaluation and corrective measures!

I am so happy for you. This is a huge step in the right direction. This is exactly what MB is all about. Re-evaluate yourself so you can re-evaluate your marriage to make corrective measures.

Of course this is just my opinion so it is worth as mus as the paper it is printed on (so to speak).

God Bless

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l, if I just wouldn't have told H anything we would still be making it.
Not really. Because it would be an experience you shared outside of your marriage. It would have pulled more of the intimacy from your relationship everyday and eventually you would resent him.

The problem with this site is that everybody thinks that once you say "I do," no matter what stage you are at in your life that you need to stick to it.
But YOU were the one who said “I will stick to i no matter what stage of life I am in” when you got married. You didn’t say, “I will do it until things get rough or something better comes along or until I feel like ending it.”

but sometimes you need to be selfish and when you realize that you are NOT happy in your marriage--then END IT!!!
Why?
Why not stick around and fix your marriage instead of tipping over the board game and going home?

Find out who you are before you get there and if you failed to do that then it is OK to get out!
No it’s “not okay to get out” just because...

I am in perpetual guilt, shame, and regret about my affair. If I never told I would still be pulling it off, but I would still feel the same.
What? I don’t understand this. If you had not told you would be feeling the same except you would NOT be able to lean on your husband as you do now.

If I had the insight before having an affair to realize that "It is all right to realize that the one I married may not be the one for me.
Who says that’s okay?

Go ahead with your feelings,"
Feelings are okay to have but you don’t have to act on them. And if you know it is wrong to ACT on them and do it, you regret it.

you can then maybe I could have moved on without so much regret.
You would have had much more regret. Stick with it and in a few years time, you will kick yourself and will not understand how you could have felt the way you are expressing you do now.

Some of you out there have to realize that just b/c you are married that there is still room for re-evaluation and corrective measures!
Why does “re-evaluation and corrective measures” have to mean divorce/affair/leaving? Why not stick with someone you made a life changing decision with/for and make it what you want?

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S.H.

Yep. I remember you. You have kids, and you're going 2 encourage them 2 do the same, thoughtless nonsense you're doing now, if they're in "unhappy Ms" and their [censored] mate comes along and sweeps (wipes?) them off their feet someday.

S.H. I think you're a goof. Enjoy your shallow fu2re with like-minded gooves. There are a lot of them out there!

How about: "Do you promise 2 love, honor, and cherish, for as long as you feel like it? Say 'I DO!, I think.'"

"On a long and winding grey paved street
Your breath the only friend
Chattering others surrounding you
You're going out again
It's a laugh and a gas new crowd
You tell yourself
While buttoning up a new red shirt
It's been a twenty years of doing this
Just the same night into night
Day into day
with your preset mind

Wake up with a preset mind
With no self control
And you decide to call the Roll Call
Of the socialites who mortified
Can't see as far as their next surprise
Yah, happy with nothing but the sweet F.A. of the night
Believing that they're alive and well
But if asked
They have nothing to tell
Except the words of a clashing rhyme
I'll calmed and out of sync
Even real sounds like a zero
To a brain in lip sync
Roll!"

-Peter Murphy, "Roll Call"

-ol' 2long

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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

S.H., seriously...why are you here? Go over to one of the "other" sites and bash with your own kind. There are people here in a lot of pain, and for you to trivialize that is incredibly, well, stupid. Have a nice day.

MTD

P.S. What's with all the seminar posters lately???

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: madly_truly_deeply ]</small>

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S.H.

Selfishness is NOT a desirable characteristic.

Beau

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it's one thing to be unhappy in your marriage and then stand up for yourself honorably. it's yet another to become unhappy and then have an affair. you chose the latter.

yes. i remember you, too. you sadden me.

A slave begins by demanding justice and ends by wanting to wear a crown. ~Albert Camus


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