Posted and saved to my computer... hope this helps.<P>Cycle of Violence<BR>-----------------<P>Phase 1<BR>-------<P>Tension Building Stage: Increased tension in the relationship, anger, blaming and arguing<P>Phase 2<BR>-------<P>Acute Battering Incident: Battering/hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, use of objects or weapons. Sexual abuse. Verbal threats and abuse. Rage is out of control.<P>Phase 3<BR>-------<P>Honeymoon Stage: This stage may decrease over time. Man may deny violence, say he was drunk, say he's sorry and promise it will never happen again. Reinforces hope that relationship is healthy and loving.<P>******<P>Ways that the abuser maintains power and control<BR>------------------------------------------------<P><BR>ISOLATION<BR>---------<P>Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, where she goes<P>ECONOMIC ABUSE<BR>--------------<P>Trying to keep her from getting or keeping a job. Making her ask for money, giving her an allowance, taking her money.<P>INTIMIDATION<BR>------------<P>Putting her in fear by: using looks, actions, gestures, loud voice, smashing things, destroying her property.<P>USING CHILDREN<BR>--------------<P>Making her feel guilty about the children, using the children to give messages, using visitation as a way to harass her.<P>EMOTIONAL ABUSE<BR>---------------<P>Putting her down or making her feel bad about herself, calling her names. Making her think she's crazy. Mind games<P>SEXUAL ABUSE<BR>------------<P>Making her do sexual things against her will. Physically attacking the sexual parts ofher body. Treating her like a sex object.<P>USING MALE PRIVILAGE<BR>--------------------<P>Treating her like a servant. Making all the "big" decisions. Acting like the "master of the castle".<P>THREATS<BR>-------<P>Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her emotionally. Threaten to take the children, commit suicide, and report her to welfare.<P>********<P>Types of Domestic Violence<BR>--------------------------<P>Physical Abuse<BR>--------------<P>Hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, shoving, choking, biting, pinching, twisting arms, tripping, throwing into walls/on floor, using a weapon against her, pulling hair, grabbing.<P>Sexual abuse and rape<BR>---------------------<P>Any inappropriate or unwanted sexual attention is abusive. When a woman has been forced to have sex against her will by a spouse or partner, she has been raped. In a recent study, almost half the spouse abuse victims interviewed, had been raped by their husbands or live-in partners.<P>Verbal and emotional abuse<BR>--------------------------<P>While these do not leave telltale scars and bruises, their damage can be greater than physical abuse. Constant criticism, degrading remarks, name calling, accusations and threats erode self-esteem. They create anger, uncertainty and sometimes hatred. Destruction of personal property also is a form of emotional abuse. Threats to hit or kill the other person, to leave, or to take the children away, or to withdraw financial support cause the victim to live in fear. Such intimidation is psychologically abusive and can be traumatic.<P>********<P>Identifying A Potential Batterer<BR>--------------------------------<P>It has been assumed for years that violence between couples never occurred before marriage. Unfortunately, however, research shows that anywhere from 25-50% of dating couples experience violence.<P>Most commonly, "violence" means slapping, hitting, pushing, or shoving. It can also mean hitting with objects, threatening to use, or using weapons, or other life threatening acts.<P>Here are some cues that will help you identify a potential abuser:<P>...was the man abused as a child?<BR>...was the man's mother abused by his father?<BR>...does he lose his temper frequently and more easily than seems necessary?<BR>...has he displayed violence against others?<BR>...does he deal with his anger in violent ways?<BR>...does he play with guns and use them to protect himself against others?<BR>...does he drink alcohol excessively?<BR>...does he display an unusual amount of jealousy:<BR> when you are not with him?<BR> toward significant others in your life?<BR>...does he expect you to spend all your free time with him, or keep him informed of your whereabouts? Does he act unusually possessive of you and your time?<BR>...does he become enraged when you don't listen to his advice?<BR>...does he appear to have a dual personality?<BR>...is there a sense of overkill in his cruelty or his kindness?<BR>...is he a traditionalist, believing in mail supremacy, and the stereotyped male role in the family?<BR>...do you get a sense of fear when he becomes angry with you?<BR>...does not making him angry become an important part of your behavior?<P>********<P>Why Does A Woman Stay?<BR>----------------------<P>She loves him<P>She has been isolated from friends by the abuser, so feels she has nowhere to turn.<P>She may have no idea what services are available for her.<P>The battering takes place in a short period of time. Afterwards, he may be quite gentle and loving, promising never to hit her again.<P>Many women have been raised to believe in the all-importance of a good relationship with a man, and that good relationships are their responsibility, not his.<P>Many women don't want to any change in the relationship, except not to be beaten.<P>Often the men are otherwise mild mannered, so her concerns are not taken seriously. Often, he is only violent with her, and she may conclude that there's something wrong with her.<P>Emotional dependence on the abuser and/or relationship. <P>Learned helplessness<P>She often believes his excuses, that she "deserved" the punishment, or that alcohol kept him from knowing what he was doing.<P>Often women believe that if only they would "improve", stop making mistakes, that the battering would stop. They remain because of guilt.<P>Some women don't realize they have the right not to be beaten.<P>She may fear him, believing him to be omnipotent. Often threats are made against her, e.g. he will kill her if she reports him to anyone.<P>Often, they don't see themselves as battered women. They may realize they have problems, but don't see the major problem as abuse.<P>********<P>As violence against women becomes more severe and more frequent in the home, children experience a 300% increase in physical violence by the male batterer (Murray Straus and Robert Gelles, Physical Violence in American Families, 1990)<P>***************<P>I'll add to this as I get the rest of it into my computer. <P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 27, 2001).]

Bumped just because

bump

This happens to men too - I have a friend that has lived this way for many years.<P>He says he stays only till the kids are out of school.<P>I have seen the bruises and scratches and have heard the mean words she uses.....

Bumped for Knightmare.. <P>I hope you don't need this. But here it is.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

H2Y<BR>I see so many of these signs in W life right now its scary. The sad thing is that when she was 16 she was in a very similar situation w/ a different man, it took us about 6 years to get over the scares that were left on her life then and I am preparing to do it again. I don't know why some women are so suseptable to these situations, but I know her low self esteem plays a HUGE role in it. W is gorgeous, I don't understand how she can have such a low self-esteem. I do know that she needs to get God's perspective of her and that she doesn't NEED to do anything to recieve His love, just to accept the finished work of the cross. <BR>thanks and God bless!<BR>knight?mare

H2Y<BR>I see so many of these signs in W life right now its scary. The sad thing is that when she was 16 she was in a very similar situation w/ a different man, it took us about 6 years to get over the scares that were left on her life then and I am preparing to do it again. I don't know why some women are so suseptable to these situations, but I know her low self esteem plays a HUGE role in it. W is gorgeous, I don't understand how she can have such a low self-esteem. I do know that she needs to get God's perspective of her and that she doesn't NEED to do anything to recieve His love, just to accept the finished work of the cross. <BR>thanks and God bless!<BR>knight?mare

Bump for the New Members<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

I read this with great interest, having been physically, emotionally and sexually abused in my last marriage. <BR>My H didn't posses many if any of the qualitites described here. He didn't act overly jealous, he didn't drink much except when I would get him so drunk he'd pass out, which was usually my goal! He didn't control the money, he wasn't abused as a child and his father didn't abuse his mom, guns were not kept in the house we had children. To the outside world he was perfect doting loving husband. I'm not really sure what used to set him off, somsetimes it was nothing at all.<BR>I stayed as long as I did for the children ( one I was tring to adopt at the time but settled for legal custody).<BR>It wasn't until he involved our daughter in his little games that I knew it was time to go. She was still young and now says she doesn't really remember what went on in the house and there's a part of me that hopes that's true.<BR>I think it's hard to really pin down the characteristics of a man that has the potential to be abusive or the reasons why a woman stays. But there's alot of good info in what you posted.<BR>And as sick as it may sound to someone who's never been in the situation, I am sort of grateful for having had the experience, it taught me alot about myself and I'm definetely a better person for having been there. I am in NO WAY even beginning to suggest that every woman walks away with a positive attitude or that any woman should even consider putting themselves into that kind of situation. I was just able to walk away with alot of insight and a strength I don't think was there before.

Thank you for posting your situation.. I hope this helps others, men and women alike..<P>Sorry that you had to go through the things you did. My heart goes out to you.<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

Husband2you,<BR>Here's a stupid question that has nothing to do with this thread at all but are you or were you a marine?<BR>Were you married as a marine? Did your military life negatively effect your marriage?<BR>IF you answered yes to any of the above questions I'd love to pick your brain on a few things.

SheDawg.. Go ahead and ask.. can you put it in a new thread?<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

Please pray for us..<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

bump up for 2worlds and others

Husband2You, do you know that you may very well save some lives with this incredible post? Of course you know that.<P>THANK YOU!!!<P>I have been away or not taking as much time for MB lately and wondered about your Sept 6 message here asking for prayer--is everything ok? <P>You are being remembered in prayer.

freshstart,<BR>just wanted to respond so you wouldn't worry. H2y is out of town and off his computer for a little bit... but he is doing fine. He'll be back posting soon. He can always use your prayers, though. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Thanks for the reassurance, Faith. I tend to be a real worrywart. Glad to know things are ok and I will keep praying.

^^

Bumped for Claireb "stalking" issues.

Since this is a thread about info on domestic abuse and violence I'll add my post. There are links to more info in my signature block.