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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
I know he makes time to go to work so it seems he should make time to spend time on us. It is really hard for people to understand his position. It really is crazy and if you don't put the time in you loose your job. And I know some will say he needs to switch jobs if he wants to have a stronger marriage but that means moving countries etc... It is very likely that if the job does not compliment your marriage, he would need to find another job. However, if you both operate as if the job comes before the marriage, it won't matter what job he has, it will come between the marriage.
Last edited by unwritten; 11/02/17 01:44 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
He doesn't work set hours (but can't set his own schedule). He is at the mercy of his job and is expected to be "on" and "available" basically consistently. It is over the top but it is what it is. On top of that he is a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to work. So he works a lot. He just traveled the past 3 weeks. But usually doesn't travel quite so much. This week he will work about 70 hours and still feel behind. I'm having trouble (have had for the past 14 years) asking for 20 hours a week of his time that he doesn't really have anyway. This would be a work schedule that would wreak havoc on ANY marriage. Traveling jobs are the MOST damaging to marriages, first because they do not allow time for UA (you can't meet someones needs if you are gone) and second because they leave the door wide open for affairs. For this reason Dr Harley says that you should never spend a night apart.
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 104
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 104 |
Thank you all for your good input and advice and articles to read. I am still wondering how he can travel and not spend much time with me and still feel so connected and I can't??? Do some people work that way?
Unwritten....very interesting comments about the job and hours. So many people we know work similar to us and I kept saying to him "but other people do it and they seem just fine so how do they do it??" But then again my friend just told me her husband is having an affair....
I'm most worried right now about putting in the time and not getting the affection/sf desire that couples "should" have if they are really in love. I never had that and I have a long history of that with my past relationships too. He says we can't just focus on that, we just spend time together and not just focus on an end goal.
My question is how do I change from emotionally withdrawn to open. I want so badly to have this emotional connection but I really don't know how to be emotionally vulnerable. Even on everyday things like "what did you do today". And this isn't just an issue with him but I have never really shared "the real me" with anyone. I must be a really guarded or skeptical or self conscious etc....person as I never really let people in. I really want this and crave it but I really don't know how. So to meet my needs of conversation and my desire to have a really deep connection I know I actually need to be willing to share with him. I just don't know how to do that. I'm a super pro at changing the subject, turning the focus back to the other person etc....
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My question is how do I change from emotionally withdrawn to open. The solution is in the UA time. You will not feel emotionally withdrawn if you follow the policy of UA for a few weeks.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 104
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 104 |
Ok, thanks Melody. I just have been so closed off my whole life that I'm nervous I will revert to just all the superficial things that I can talk about. We will keep moving forward with UA time. We did spend more time together this weekend and it was good. It wasn't all necessarily UA time but it was nice. We did things like going together to my daughter's sports event. Etc....things I usually do alone.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
eca, just a watch out, you won't ever notice any difference unless you get to 20+. I am not trying to discourage you, but you will be very discouraged if you just increase it a "little" because you won't see any difference. It really does work, but you need to do it right. Plan out 4 - 4 hour dates every week and make them as enjoyable as possible. In fact, the most enjoyable dates we have are very superficial!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 104
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 104 |
Ok Melody. Thank you. You are not discouraging. You are giving me reality checks. I appreciate it.
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