Hi. I just discovered this site. I'm in a state of prolonged mental crisis and I don't know if I can keep going. I feel like the guilt and anxiety are killing me.

I'm 41, married to my wife for 10 years, together for 15. We have 3 kids aged 3, 6, and 8. My wife and I get along well, but the sex has always been infrequent (about 10x per year.) This has bothered me throughout the whole marriage, and my selfish resentment has been the ***EDIT*** justification I used for sneaking around. I've been living a secret life.

About 8 years ago, I started having the desire to expose myself to women in public. I never acted on this for moral reasons and for fear of being arrested, but I did start paying women from Craigslist to watch me masturbate.

***Graphic details removed***

In June of 2016, about 18 months ago, I contacted an erotic masseuse (prostitute) that I found on Backpage.

***Graphic details removed***

5 weeks later, I developed a burning sensation on my penis.

Naturally, I panicked. It didn't look like anything, but it burned. I tried prescription antifungals, which worked for two weeks, and then stopped working. Over the next 6 weeks, I went to a primary care doctor, a dermatologist, and a urologist, had an STD test done, but none of them could find anything wrong. I became increasingly neurotic about checking my penis for any sign of bump or sore. But there was nothing except a vague redness and a raw sensation.

My anxiety was at a constant 9.5/10. Any "compartmentalization" that was in place before was gone. All I could think about was my wife and my family and how much I had hurt them. I started thinking about all of my wife's issues, and how I had never stopped to really try and help her through them. The remorse was overpowering.

I was waking up at night in a panic, checking myself constantly and beginning to see things that weren't there. The skin was being damaged from the constant checking. I was certain that I had caught "something" and that I would have to break the news to my wife. My Primary care doctor and the dermatologist both told me that my anxiety was creating the symptoms ("a somatization of psychological stress") and that I needed therapy.

I went to see a therapist last week and cried it out to her. I've also confided in a close friend. After both sessions, the mysterious pain went away, making me start to believe that it really was psycho-somatic. Both the therapist and my doctor suggested that I start taking an antidepressant. I filled the prescription but haven't started taking it yet. My doctors (both female) are basically telling me to "man up", count my blessings, and bury this for the sake of my family.

Over the last week, the pain has mostly gone away, only to be replaced by extreme mental anguish and anxiety. I woke up the other night (I wake up every night at 2am now), and realized that my sneaking around has been a pattern for our entire marriage. I was so fixated on my guilt over the massages that I didn't connect them to the previous episodes. I don't usually think about those other episodes, I usually deny to myself that they even happened. I've also been a constant porn user since I was a teenager, and I'm sure that's related. I realized, finally, that I have compulsive issues with sex that have slowly escalated with time like a cancer. As I realized this, I had a major panic attack while driving home last night. My hands, arms and chest were buzzing like I was being electrocuted and I was genuinely afraid of having a heart attack.

I had been considering coming clean to my wife, but only telling her about the 5 massages over the past year and half. The idea of telling her about the other stuff was unfathomable, it bespeaks a sickness that has silently dogged our marriage since the beginning. But I've been reading a lot of infidelity literature, and become familiar with the concept of "trickle truthing" and how destructive that is to the process of rebuilding a marriage. I desperately want to rebuild our marriage and keep our family together. But if she know the full scope of how horrible I am, there's no way she would stay and try to fix things.

So now I'm in a crisis. My wife knows nothing, and we're still a happy family. She knows that I'm having a persistent and unexplained pain in my penis, but hasn't expressed much concern or sympathy (not that I'm looking for any.) We had sex once shortly before this whole pain thing began, 11 weeks ago. On the one hand, I'm considering just trying to ride this out. Take anti-depressants for the depression and anxiety, go to therapy, and work really hard on putting all of this behind me. On the other hand, I come clean, which is terrifying. I won't lie that the option of suicide has occurred to me as well.

This is the first time that I've put everything together like this. I realize that every sentence I've written here starts with "I.." and I know how that looks. I'm aware now that my wife is hurting in her own ways, and some of that is probably related to the distance this is putting between us. I haven't been attentive to what she's going through and I want that to change.

I don't know what I'm expecting anyone to say. I just had to write this out. Thank you for reading.

Hello Ghoul, welcome to Marriage Builders. The comment I bolded and underlined above is one of the most important reasons you should tell your wife immediately. Your wife is being cruelly tricked into staying married to you and you know it. You are denying basic facts about her life to her, manipulating her into staying in a marriage based on a lie. That is a horrible thing to do to another human being. She is a woman, not your pet to trick and control to your own desires. She has a right to know the facts about her life so she can make decisions. You have no right to deny her the right to make decisions about her life.

I do understand why you are so depressed. Happiness is the result of being good, and you have been very bad. I can only imagine your conscience is screaming. I have been there, done that, and it is a very, very dark place.

I would invite her here today and show her your thread. She has a right to know about her own life.

When I think about actually doing that, I feel like I would rather just commit suicide. At least that way I'll just go away, and none of this will come to light. When I consider how financially destructive a divorce would be, I think that it would be better for my family to have the life insurance money. It sounds melodramatic, but this is where I'm at.

I knew before I read this line you are a porn addict. They have very distinct traits, weird sex habits and emotionally checked out of their marriages. It leads to weird and creepy sexual behavior and a coldness in one's marriage. The reason is because you view sex as a means to "get off" rather than a means to make love. Porn users are uniquely animalistic in their sex practices which is a huge turn off to their partners.

Also, sex 10x a year is not really "infrequent." I doubt your relationship is intimate enough to motivate a female to desire sex with you.

The solution to dishonesty is honesty. Or maybe you are just intent on keeping her tricked so you can keep doing these things? You are not the victim here. Your wife has a right and a need to know. Her need to know supersedes your selfish interest.

And just think, if she knows, she can hold you accountable if she decides to stay in the marriage.

Where you are at is pure self will run riot. You need to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your wife for once. You are the last person qualified to decide what is best for her. She must know so she can protect herself.

I think I can safely say that this will never happen. The past two months have been such hell for me that I'll never even think about stepping out of line again.

I'm also deeply concerned for my children. Right now their home is a safe and happy place, and these are their prime developmental years. It's so hard to seriously consider disrupting that when I can just shoulder this burden myself. I don't care if affects my health. I know it sounds hollow and selfish to you, but could it not be argued that keeping all of this to myself is a selfless act?

I want you to know that I don't see myself as a victim, here. My suffering is self-inflicted and I know I'm a monster.

I doubt that. Given your desire to keep it a secret so the door is still open.


Actually you are only concerned for your own skin, lets be honest here. If you were concerned about your children you wouldn't be engaging in reckless, irresponsible behavior that puts their family at risk.

Unfortunately, adding lies to the list does not mitigate the bad behavior, it just makes it worse. Don't add lies to the list of crimes.

You need to tell your wife today so she can make her own decision about her life and that of her children. You have no right to deny her that right.

The first step towards recovery starts with honesty. Start there.

p.s. if you are here to get support for lying to your wife, you are in the wrong place. It seems like you are looking for enablers, rather than a solution. Lying is never a solution and you won't get support for that here.

That door can be open or closed, I'll never go near it again.



You're right, and that hurt to read because I do love them with all my heart. It's like I wrote above, it was like someone else was doing those things. I know that isn't an excuse, but that's what happened.

The realities of what's going on just keep piling on in my mind. I realized last night that if we did divorce, there's no way we could afford two households. We both bring home 50% of the income. Everyone's standard of living would take a major hit. I have no idea where I'd live. None of this could work.

I understand that. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I'd go about telling her in a way that has the best chance of saving our marriage.

Start by making a decision to be honest. Dishonesty has ruined your life; the solution is honesty. Bring her here and let her read this thread. If she decides she wants to save the marriage we can help you.

Talk is cheap, and meaningless if not backed up by action. Let's see if you mean that by telling your wife the truth so she can hold you accountable.


What doesn't work is your destructive lifestyle and your dishonesty. No one can afford that.

Given what I wrote, how likely do you think it is that our marriage could be saved? I need some hope that there's a chance for a happy future.

I used to think that the lack of an "affair partner" made this somehow not as bad, but now I'm seeing that in some ways it's worse, because this was ALL ME. I sought out these encounters and made them happen.

All of the literature I'm reading about how to handle the initial steps is about shutting off communication with the affair partner. What if there is no affair partner, just a closet scumbag husband? After I spill the beans completely, what then? We're going to need marriage counseling. Is there any advice you can offer on how to select one? I want to have that in place and ready to go if I do this.

That is entirely her decision, not yours. Your marriage can be saved if she wants to stay in the marriage..


That's right. Most affairs don't happen because people go looking for them. You were trolling for action, so yours did not happen by accident. That being said, we can teach you and your wife to change your lives so there is no longer an opportunity.


We would help you set up your life so you can't do this again. And I would not suggest marriage counseling, it is destructive to marriages. We would help you a) affair proof your marriage and b) create a romantic, integrated relationship using the Marriage Builders concepts.

Can you elaborate? If I set this nightmare into motion she is almost certainly going to insist on this.

Ghoul, please listen to Dr. Harley in this short video, where he explains how he learned to save marriages.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1002_harley.html

The bottom line is that "traditional" marriage counseling (focus on improvement of communication, discussing past grievances) fails the vast majority of the time. Dr. Harley himself failed using the traditional methods, and developed the Marriage Builders plan using completely different methods...methods that KEPT couples in love (romantic love).

So unless you hire one of the Marriage Builders coaches, such as Steve Harley, or a counselor that follows MB principles, you'd be better off avoiding marriage counseling.

Hopefully not. Marriage counseling has an 84% failure rate. Marriage counselors have no earthly idea how to save marriages and are destructive to marriages. They have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

Marriage Builders is completely different from traditional marriage counseling for this reason. You can get much better results just buying the MB book, posting on this free forum and listening to the free radio show. The goal of MB is to create a romantic, affair proof marriage and it works if you follow the steps. This program was created by Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist.

Check this out: Meet Dr Harley

Does Marriage Builders Work?

It's going to be a hard sell. She's pretty stubborn. And when the S is hitting the fan, I doubt she's going to be receptive to me pushing a different avenue.

I'm ashamed to say that, a year ago, she wanted to go to marriage counseling and I poo-pooed it. I was afraid that the therapist would take her side, and, subconsciously, I was afraid of all of my secrets.

That is her right. She has a right to make decisions about her own life. You have no right to deny her that right. She is an adult, not your pet.


I am sure she knows something is wrong. If she decides to stay, we can help you both.

That is a bunch of rubbish. If you were deeply concerned for your children, you would not have been withdrawn from your marriage and your family while you watched porn and had sleazy encounters. You could have brought home a disease that took away their parents. You also exposed your family unbeknownst to them to who knows what kind of people from the internet. NOTHING about your choices indicate that you are concerned about your children at all. And likewise, you want to keep this a secret for selfish reasons and not because you are some kind of martyr.

By the way, their home is far from a safe and happy place. Your wife is not dumb and I would bet money she knows something is going on, she just doesn�t know what. There is disruption already. You have already disrupted your peaceful family. We are not advising you to act in a way to disrupt your family, you have already done that. That action is already taken. We are advising you to tell the truth and do the right thing. It is the act that disrupts, not the truth.

She is not happy and she knows something is wrong. How often does she question you trying to get at the truth? How have you answered her questions? Told her she is crazy and paranoid?

Read this and listen to the clips in here Beware of Bad Counselors

When are you telling your BW?

Hi Ghoul,
As a non-professional I want to offer my opinion and care to you.
As a betrayed spouse. Telling her is the best thing you can do. Coming forward with your honesty will make your marriage recovery much easier.
I discovered my husbands affair and really wish that he had come forward and then I would know that he can be honest with me even at his own risk. It will be hard. But you can do it. The full honest truth about everything is best. The trickle effect is what I have experienced and it is VERY painful, I think I know and then, more, and more. It is heart breaking to drag it on and now I am left feeling that there is more to know...that WH still hasn't told me everything, even though he may have, I can not believe it. And because I discovered it, makes me believe that he cannot confide in me and that he is truly not sorry for his actions, but sorry that he got caught.
I offer you my opinion in hopes that it will encourage you to come forward and do the right thing and tell your wife.

I very much want to avoid the trickle truth effect. It's been hard for me to write it all down and create a timeline, but I have been.

I'm just so terrified of what the first hours, days, and weeks will be like. We're the parents of 3 little kids. We eat dinner together and have conversations. We watch TV together after they go to bed. We tell each other about our days at work. We have 15 years of inside jokes that we tell each other. I'm just so afraid of all of that turning to hatred on her end. I'm afraid that she's going to avoid me and refuse to talk.

I'm also afraid of how she'll be able to function. Her job is very stressful for her and requires lots of overtime. I'm worried that this will be too much for her to bear. She may know that something is "wrong", but she will not see something of this magnitude coming at all.

What is the first month like? If both spouses are committed to rebuilding, how long does it take before you're able to feel comfortable together again? Months? Years? Are there any resources out there that can help you navigate the initial weeks?

Suggestion: stop thinking about yourself and think about her best interest for once. Yes, she will be upset. But people can deal with truth better than lies. When the kids go to bed, take her aside and tell her you have something you need to tell her. Show her your thread here.


She will be upset, but she will also be relieved because she has suspected something is wrong for a long time. We will help you put your marriage back together if she chooses to stay in the marriage. We will be glad to help her through this.

When will you take this advice and tell your BW?

I understand your concern. Our family was much the same way for togetherness we had been married 20 years when I found out.
It is hard to say what the outcome and even the first little while will be like as everyone's personality, temperament and situations are different.
Our first 24 hours was the hardest. until we cooled off enough to talk and not scream. It has been 3 months since I found out but I suspected it for a couple of months before that. The lying in the couple of months that I suspected it were what really hurt, and is why I urge you to come forward and tell her the whole truth before she finds out on her own.
Now we are able to talk about it, my husband knows what he did was wrong and we are building back trust. HE hates reliving it but know that answering all of my questions is helping me heal.
She may not be able to function, and may need some time off work, sick time for mental health. I also work a high stress job and overtime, for me it was best to go to work and be occupied. I did take one day as I felt it was not good to go to work and cry all day.
All the best to you Ghoul, but please tell her everything and tell her soon. It will be a relief to you too. It is not good to carry around the anxiety.

Just to clarify about this statement. Dr. Harley recommends one sit down to where the BS asks all their questions and the WS answer all of them in one sitting and then to never bring up the affair again as this will hinder the recovery.

Your wife knows full well you hide things from her and she hoped you'd reveal these things to her in marriage counselling. Instead, you've learned the porn lesson that women are just accessories and puppets who should go along with whatever you want. She's not a dog, man. You cant decide that it's better for you to 'keep' her. She gets to decide if she's up for doing affair recovery or not.

Go ahead and tell her that the marriage problems are your doing, that she isn't going crazy imagining stuff and none of it is her fault. She may just feel so relieved that she'll decide to accept your honesty as a permanent thing. Lots of BSs do. But until you start seeing her as a HUMAN BEING who can make her own decisions youll never know.

It is positively inhuman to keep her trapped in that confusing place, and she'll eventually divorce you any way because she knows she doesn't understand you.

Goule, I don't know if you still come on here....but I just wanted to say that I'm in your wife's shoes. Backpage and craigslist and Ashley Madison were my H's preferred hookups. He disclosed his betrayals. I am processing it, but I am returning to our marital home with hopes of working through this addiction with him.I am glad he told me the truth in order for me to make a decision on whether to stay or leave. I can't say for sure what I am going to do, that will be dependent on his ACTIONS and TRANSPARENCY. I am working on Forgiveness. There is hope. And the folks here will surely help you through this. I hope you will check in. I will be following this thread.