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He feels like he is unable too since he can't get over the hurt. We can help him get over it. If he is happy in the present, he won't be thinking of the tragedies of the past. Will he come here and let us help him? You mean come to this Forum? Where is it that you mean and yes I think he is willing. He knows about this forum and I sent him some of the things that were sent to me on here. Yes, I do mean this forum. Please show him the following: Dear Mr. MChiger, we would invite you to join our forum so we can help you recover from this terrible tragedy. I know it doesn't seem possible, but we can help you create a happy marriage using Marriage Builders concepts that is much better than what you had before. Believe it or not, if you are happy in the present, your won't mind won't wander to the tragedies of the past. Many of us here are in happy, romantic marriages and we don't think about the past anymore. We can teach you how to do this if you are willing. If you are interested, please register your own account and start up a new thread with a post giving your perspective. We will be here to give you feedback and support.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok I have sent it to him. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him? I know this is hard on him and it is eating him up and wearing him down. I want so hard to take the pain away. He knows I'm trying however, he doesnt know how to let me in.
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Ok I have sent it to him. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him? I know this is hard on him and it is eating him up and wearing him down. I want so hard to take the pain away. He knows I'm trying however, he doesnt know how to let me in. I would make sure your marriage is protected from this ever happening again. This is the checklist from Surviving an Affair. Please look at this list and tell us what has been done so far. From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67 The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives. Checklist for How Affairs Should End _____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again. _____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: _____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). _____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). _____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). _____Spend leisure time together. _____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. _____Avoid overnight separation. _____Allow technical accountability. _____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.
Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Checklist for How Affairs Should End
__X___The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
__X___The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
___X__The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
__X___The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
__X___Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
___X__Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_X____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
___X__Spend leisure time together.
__X___Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
__X___Avoid overnight separation.
__X___Allow technical accountability.
__X___ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Yes I have done all of these and have continued for 7 months.
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He was someone I dated in high school. He wasn't friends with my husband. Can you tell us more about the affair? How did it start? How did you conduct the affair? How long was it? Was it a PA or EA? How did your BH find out and did you tell him the entire the truth or was it trickled out over time?
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He was someone I dated in high school. He wasn't friends with my husband. Can you tell us more about the affair? How did it start? How did you conduct the affair? How long was it? Was it a PA or EA? How did your BH find out and did you tell him the entire the truth or was it trickled out over time? The info came out over a months time. Once he knew the truth I told him everything. It had already ended when he found out. I myself ended it once I opened my eyes to what I was doing and that fact I didnt have any feelings for that person. Unfortunately it was PA & EA. The affair lasted 2 1/2-3 Months.
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How did it start? How did you conduct the affair?
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How did it start? How did you conduct the affair? No I didn't conduct the affair. However, in the end it doesnt really matter I'm just as guilty either way. It started when he called me and we started talking as friends and he then he was saying all these nice things and it was the attention that I got caught up in.
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The info came out over a months time. Once he knew the truth I told him everything. It had already ended when he found out. I'm confused by this. Did you sit him down and tell him the entire truth about the affair at one time OR did you trickle the information out over time? I'm trying to understand better why your BH feels hopeless all of the sudden.
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How did it start? How did you conduct the affair? No I didn't conduct the affair. However, in the end it doesnt really matter I'm just as guilty either way. It started when he called me and we started talking as friends and he then he was saying all these nice things and it was the attention that I got caught up in. Ok so you two communicated over the phone only? You didn't reconnect via social media? How did he get your phone number?
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The info came out over a months time. Once he knew the truth I told him everything. It had already ended when he found out. I'm confused by this. Did you sit him down and tell him the entire truth about the affair at one time OR did you trickle the information out over time? I'm trying to understand better why your BH feels hopeless all of the sudden. He Knew I had talk to him and but he didnt know about the affair until he had my old phone restored with all the messages. This was in May. After that I sat down and answered all his detailed questions and I told him everything at that moment. Nothing has happened since May. everything has been out in the open since then.
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Were there any prior affairs, EA or PA, on either side?
How were you able to meet up with the OM if he lives in another city that is not close to you?
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Were there any prior affairs, EA or PA, on either side?
How were you able to meet up with the OM if he lives in another city that is not close to you? No there as never been anything in the past to break trust. The OM lives about 40 mins away.
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The OM lives about 40 mins away. I still don't understand how you were able to get away to meet the OM. When I was married it would have been difficult to get away for several hours without having a good reason. Or did the OM travel to see you? How often did you meet up with him? If you can give us more details, it will help us understand what may be troubling your BH and how we help give him a plan to make him feel more comfortable in the M.
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Ok so you two communicated over the phone only? You didn't reconnect via social media? How did he get your phone number?
Last edited by SusieQ; 11/28/17 10:50 AM.
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How did it start? How did you conduct the affair? No I didn't conduct the affair. However, in the end it doesnt really matter I'm just as guilty either way. It started when he called me and we started talking as friends and he then he was saying all these nice things and it was the attention that I got caught up in. Ok so you two communicated over the phone only? You didn't reconnect via social media? How did he get your phone number? We did meet some yea. He had my phone number bc its been the same for 16 years.
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We did meet some yea. He had my phone number bc its been the same for 16 years. Ok so you said you changed your phone number? Or did you just block the OM? Are you on social media?
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