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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by MChiger
The OM lives about 40 mins away.

I still don't understand how you were able to get away to meet the OM. When I was married it would have been difficult to get away for several hours without having a good reason. Or did the OM travel to see you? How often did you meet up with him?

If you can give us more details, it will help us understand what may be troubling your BH and how we help give him a plan to make him feel more comfortable in the M.

I'm a stay at home mom. We didnt meet that often. Also, me and my husband were separated for a month. I ended it about 2 weeks into the separation. I felt so guilty and knew I had made a horrible mistake. We seperated bc we had been fighting alot.

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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by MChiger
We did meet some yea. He had my phone number bc its been the same for 16 years.

Ok so you said you changed your phone number? Or did you just block the OM?

Are you on social media?

Yes he is blocked on everything including phone and all social media.

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Originally Posted by MChiger
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by MChiger
The OM lives about 40 mins away.

I still don't understand how you were able to get away to meet the OM. When I was married it would have been difficult to get away for several hours without having a good reason. Or did the OM travel to see you? How often did you meet up with him?

If you can give us more details, it will help us understand what may be troubling your BH and how we help give him a plan to make him feel more comfortable in the M.

I'm a stay at home mom. We didnt meet that often. Also, me and my husband were separated for a month. I ended it about 2 weeks into the separation. I felt so guilty and knew I had made a horrible mistake. We seperated bc we had been fighting alot.

Wait a minute. Let's back up here.

At what point during the affair did this separation happen? Who recommended the separation?

Did your BH move out or did you?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by MChiger
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by MChiger
We did meet some yea. He had my phone number bc its been the same for 16 years.

Ok so you said you changed your phone number? Or did you just block the OM?

Are you on social media?

Yes he is blocked on everything including phone and all social media.

Do you understand that Dr Harley recommends CLOSING social media accounts and CHANGING the phone number? Not blocking. Because blocking is not effective at maintaining NC.

That is why I specifically asked you this question - even though you checked the box that you had done this. Because skipping over these crucial EPs typically leads to an unhappy BS.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
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MChiger Offline OP
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by MChiger
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by MChiger
The OM lives about 40 mins away.

I still don't understand how you were able to get away to meet the OM. When I was married it would have been difficult to get away for several hours without having a good reason. Or did the OM travel to see you? How often did you meet up with him?

If you can give us more details, it will help us understand what may be troubling your BH and how we help give him a plan to make him feel more comfortable in the M.

I'm a stay at home mom. We didnt meet that often. Also, me and my husband were separated for a month. I ended it about 2 weeks into the separation. I felt so guilty and knew I had made a horrible mistake. We seperated bc we had been fighting alot.

Wait a minute. Let's back up here.

At what point during the affair did this separation happen? Who recommended the separation?

Did your BH move out or did you?

The separation happened near the end. He stayed away on the weekdays. It was something we both agreed on.

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MChiger Offline OP
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by MChiger
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by MChiger
We did meet some yea. He had my phone number bc its been the same for 16 years.

Ok so you said you changed your phone number? Or did you just block the OM?

Are you on social media?



Yes he is blocked on everything including phone and all social media.

Do you understand that Dr Harley recommends CLOSING social media accounts and CHANGING the phone number? Not blocking. Because blocking is not effective at maintaining NC.

That is why I specifically asked you this question - even though you checked the box that you had done this. Because skipping over these crucial EPs typically leads to an unhappy BS.

I tried to do that but my husband asked me not too bc of family & kids.

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Was the OM married? Who all knows about your affair? Was it ever exposed? How old are your children?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Was the OM married? Who all knows about your affair? Was it ever exposed? How old are your children?

He was going through a divoice. after the affair ended he ended up going back to his wife. I only learned this after his wife and my husband talked. My children are 9 & 3. Both sides of the family knows about the affair. I told them myself.

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Originally Posted by MChiger
__X___Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

Quote
Yes I have done all of these and have continued for 7 months.

I'm sure that you know that dishonesty goes hand in hand with having an affair. Realizing you have been lied to over and over is a big part of what is so painful to a BS.

Here with your answer above is not the complete truth - you did not change your phone number and close your social media accounts. We had to further question you to get that information out of you.

Whenever a WS comes here and tells us they did that item off the check list (changing phone number and closing social media) and really they just blocked, it always is a red flag to me that they still need to work on being open and honest.

You may thing that I am nitpicking you but I can assure you, as a BS, that your BH may be feeling the same thing.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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I hope your BH comes here. I think I see some of the issues that are going on and I really think if he comes here and talks to us that we can help him.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by MChiger
__X___Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

Quote
Yes I have done all of these and have continued for 7 months.

I'm sure that you know that dishonesty goes hand in hand with having an affair. Realizing you have been lied to over and over is a big part of what is so painful to a BS.

Here with your answer above is not the complete truth - you did not change your phone number and close your social media accounts. We had to further question you to get that information out of you.

Whenever a WS comes here and tells us they did that item off the check list (changing phone number and closing social media) and really they just blocked, it always is a red flag to me that they still need to work on being open and honest.

You may thing that I am nitpicking you but I can assure you, as a BS, that your BH may be feeling the same thing.

I did my husband wants with the phone number and the social media.I checked it bc I blocked all potential communication by blocking everything. Which like I said was what my husband wanted. I honestly answered all your questions and I dont feel like you had to beat it out of it at all. I have been willing to share whatever. Like with him he knows every little detail. The problem is he having is letting go of what I did and the forgiving part. He knows I have told him everything. He even read 3 monts worth of messages therefore he knows everything.

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Originally Posted by SusieQ
I hope your BH comes here. I think I see some of the issues that are going on and I really think if he comes here and talks to us that we can help him.

I really hope so too. He is at work at the moment. I'm willing to do anything to help us move forward with our marriage.

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Originally Posted by MChiger
The separation happened near the end. He stayed away on the weekdays. It was something we both agreed on.

Whose idea was it for your husband to leave his own home?

Was the OM ever in your home?

Is the OM married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by MChiger
The separation happened near the end. He stayed away on the weekdays. It was something we both agreed on.

Whose idea was it for your husband to leave his own home?

Was the OM ever in your home?

Is the OM married?

We sat down and talked about it and both agreed that we would try the separation to see if that helped. No was never inside the home. He did come to the house in sat in the driveway twice. The OM is married but at the time his divorce had already been filed.

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Originally Posted by MChiger
We sat down and talked about it and both agreed that we would try the separation to see if that helped. No was never inside the home. He did come to the house in sat in the driveway twice. The OM is married but at the time his divorce had already been filed.

Did your husband know that you were asking for the separation so you could carry on your affair? Obviously, "separating" is not good for a marriage. If your car breaks down, you don't drive to Cleveland, you go in the garage to fix it.

That means the OM was at your home. Very brazen of him.

Did your kids meet this dirtbag?

Does his wife know about your affair with her husband?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Women don't "separate" unless there is an affair going on, except in cases of abuse. And in those cases, it can take us YEARS to persuade her to leave her abusive husband.

So, I see some red flags here that your husband is probably seeing. He might feel like he is not getting the full truth and I would agree with him. These are the red flags I see:

1. the reason behind the separation was the affair and it is not being presented as such

2. the OM came to your husband's home but this is rationalized by saying he was in the driveway. I find that hard to believe he wasn't brought into the home

3. concern about the OM's wife being informed of the affair. First off, he was/is a married man and his wife has a right to know what you and the OM did behind her back. People in affairs very often say they are "getting divorced." You probably said the same thing when you got your husband to move out.

Do I have this right?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MChiger
[ The OM is married but at the time his divorce had already been filed.

Was there a plan for you both to dump your spouses and hook up?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MChiger
I honestly answered all your questions and I dont feel like you had to beat it out of it at all.

It's interesting that your longest post here is to argue with me about my perception of your willingness to be open and honest.

Quote
The problem is he having is letting go of what I did and the forgiving part

I would advise you again assuming that you know or understand what your BH may need to recover.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by MChiger
[. The problem is he having is letting go of what I did and the forgiving part.

I just want to make it clear that forgiveness is not appropriate so I would stop demanding that. It is not an entitlement for wayward spouses. I think you are probably making it worse by demanding "forgiveness."

Secondly, he should not "let go" of anything. You need to "let go" of your inappropriate boundaries that led to an affair.

NOW, we can help you create a marriage that will make you both happy and secure, but you need to a) get honest and b) stop demanding forgiveness. That makes the situation worse, not better.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MChiger
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Was the OM married? Who all knows about your affair? Was it ever exposed? How old are your children?

He was going through a divoice. after the affair ended he ended up going back to his wife. I only learned this after his wife and my husband talked. My children are 9 & 3. Both sides of the family knows about the affair. I told them myself.
Does your 9yo know?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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