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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Was the OM married? Who all knows about your affair? Was it ever exposed? How old are your children? He was going through a divoice. after the affair ended he ended up going back to his wife. I only learned this after his wife and my husband talked. My children are 9 & 3. Both sides of the family knows about the affair. I told them myself. I missed this post. So he was married and your husband informed his wife? Did you also justify the affair with "going through a divorce" after your husband left?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32 |
We sat down and talked about it and both agreed that we would try the separation to see if that helped. No was never inside the home. He did come to the house in sat in the driveway twice. The OM is married but at the time his divorce had already been filed. Did your husband know that you were asking for the separation so you could carry on your affair? Obviously, "separating" is not good for a marriage. If your car breaks down, you don't drive to Cleveland, you go in the garage to fix it. That means the OM was at your home. Very brazen of him. Did your kids meet this dirtbag? Does his wife know about your affair with her husband? He never meet my kids and his wife does know about it. She has left him before any of it started. I didnt get the separation for the OM.
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32 |
Was the OM married? Who all knows about your affair? Was it ever exposed? How old are your children? He was going through a divoice. after the affair ended he ended up going back to his wife. I only learned this after his wife and my husband talked. My children are 9 & 3. Both sides of the family knows about the affair. I told them myself. I missed this post. So he was married and your husband informed his wife? Did you also justify the affair with "going through a divorce" after your husband left? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I have never justified nor made an excuse for the affair. His wife knew bc he told her..He had left him months before for his brother inlaw.
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32 |
[. The problem is he having is letting go of what I did and the forgiving part. I just want to make it clear that forgiveness is not appropriate so I would stop demanding that. It is not an entitlement for wayward spouses. I think you are probably making it worse by demanding "forgiveness." Secondly, he should not "let go" of anything. You need to "let go" of your inappropriate boundaries that led to an affair. NOW, we can help you create a marriage that will make you both happy and secure, but you need to a) get honest and b) stop demanding forgiveness. That makes the situation worse, not better. I am not demanding forgiveness. I mean yes I would love forgiveness however the forgviness is what he is always throwing up to me that is why I bring that up.
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32 |
I honestly answered all your questions and I dont feel like you had to beat it out of it at all. It's interesting that your longest post here is to argue with me about my perception of your willingness to be open and honest. The problem is he having is letting go of what I did and the forgiving part I would advise you again assuming that you know or understand what your BH may need to recover. Im simply going off what he is telling me. I have no clue what he needs to recover which is why im here.
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32 |
Women don't "separate" unless there is an affair going on, except in cases of abuse. And in those cases, it can take us YEARS to persuade her to leave her abusive husband.
So, I see some red flags here that your husband is probably seeing. He might feel like he is not getting the full truth and I would agree with him. These are the red flags I see:
1. the reason behind the separation was the affair and it is not being presented as such
2. the OM came to your husband's home but this is rationalized by saying he was in the driveway. I find that hard to believe he wasn't brought into the home
3. concern about the OM's wife being informed of the affair. First off, he was/is a married man and his wife has a right to know what you and the OM did behind her back. People in affairs very often say they are "getting divorced." You probably said the same thing when you got your husband to move out.
Do I have this right? His wife had already left before the affair. She had had an affair with his brother in law for 4 years. The papres had been filed already . He did not come in my house bc my kids were here and he was not allowed around my kids.
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32 |
[ The OM is married but at the time his divorce had already been filed. Was there a plan for you both to dump your spouses and hook up? He had been separated for awhile and no my plan wasnt to divorce my husband. I later said I did bc of guilt but at the time the affair was over.
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 32 |
I'm sorry for the late replies. I hope I got all the questions answered.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
M, you really need to change your numbers and delete social media NOW. I understand that's not what your husband wants you to do, but frankly his opinion on that is irrelevant. YOU need to do this YOURSELF. I know you've been looking to your husband to take the lead on this, but it's unfair to expect a recovery map from him.
If you were to stab your husband in the back, he'd be in a crazy amount of pain, right? Would you, feeling instant regret, start quizzing him on what type of anaesthetic he wants? The correct that he wants you to stitch him? No of course not. You'd find a doctor and take THEIR advice. If you were to ask your husband, he'd just say that he wished you'd never stabbed him!
While a path of communication remains open between you and OM, you're still holding the flipping knife. You don't look like someone trustworthy and you are not someone he can snuggle up to trustingly. He's still hung up on the past version of you, who he DID trust with social media accounts, but he doesn't have a time machine and has no idea how to get back there.
Your husband can solve this problem very easily for himself and HE doesn't need to change your contact details, since he can just walk away from you and get a divorce.
YOU are the one who needs to change your details. YOU need it because we both know how easy it would be for you to unblock OM or for OM TO reach out to you. You (should) know what just that one instance of contact would do do to your husband. Not only are you still holding the knife, you're running over slippery ice while doing so.
That is why your husband is still twitchy around you and why he wants to get away from you. It's also why need to take on sole responsibility for safe guarding him.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 3 |
I would give you credit for being remorseful. That is better than my WW has been. You didn�t say what in your relationship caused you to have an affair. Has that been addressed or discussed? You can only fix what you were providing or not providing to the marriage. You can�t force him to do what he is not ready to do. I am the betrayed spouse and have struggled with the fact that my wife is not interested in trying to reconcile. Be persistent and a good mom. Wish you the best.
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