I have done everything possible to show him I want him and love only him.

Yes he is very respectful to me and always has been. We do have a good marriage and he has always been a good husband. I have always strive to be a great wife however I failed with my affair.

I agree but if he is unable to forgive is there anything I can do?

Who was the OM? Was it someone your BH knew?

Have you read this? What is Just Compensation?

He feels like he is unable too since he can't get over the hurt.

We can help him get over it. If he is happy in the present, he won't be thinking of the tragedies of the past. Will he come here and let us help him?

You mean come to this Forum? Where is it that you mean and yes I think he is willing. He knows about this forum and I sent him some of the things that were sent to me on here.

Ok I have sent it to him. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him? I know this is hard on him and it is eating him up and wearing him down. I want so hard to take the pain away. He knows I'm trying however, he doesnt know how to let me in.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Did you read this? What is Just Compensation?

He was someone I dated in high school. He wasn't friends with my husband.

Can you tell us more about the affair? How did it start? How did you conduct the affair? How long was it? Was it a PA or EA?

How did your BH find out and did you tell him the entire the truth or was it trickled out over time?

How did it start? How did you conduct the affair?

The info came out over a months time. Once he knew the truth I told him everything. It had already ended when he found out.

No I didn't conduct the affair. However, in the end it doesnt really matter I'm just as guilty either way. It started when he called me and we started talking as friends and he then he was saying all these nice things and it was the attention that I got caught up in.

I'm confused by this.

Did you sit him down and tell him the entire truth about the affair at one time OR did you trickle the information out over time?

I'm trying to understand better why your BH feels hopeless all of the sudden.

Were there any prior affairs, EA or PA, on either side?

How were you able to meet up with the OM if he lives in another city that is not close to you?

The OM lives about 40 mins away.

Ok so you two communicated over the phone only? You didn't reconnect via social media? How did he get your phone number?

Ok so you two communicated over the phone only? You didn't reconnect via social media? How did he get your phone number?

We did meet some yea. He had my phone number bc its been the same for 16 years.

I still don't understand how you were able to get away to meet the OM. When I was married it would have been difficult to get away for several hours without having a good reason. Or did the OM travel to see you? How often did you meet up with him?

If you can give us more details, it will help us understand what may be troubling your BH and how we help give him a plan to make him feel more comfortable in the M.

Ok so you said you changed your phone number? Or did you just block the OM?

Are you on social media?

I'm a stay at home mom. We didnt meet that often. Also, me and my husband were separated for a month. I ended it about 2 weeks into the separation. I felt so guilty and knew I had made a horrible mistake. We seperated bc we had been fighting alot.

Yes he is blocked on everything including phone and all social media.

Wait a minute. Let's back up here.

At what point during the affair did this separation happen? Who recommended the separation?

Did your BH move out or did you?

Do you understand that Dr Harley recommends CLOSING social media accounts and CHANGING the phone number? Not blocking. Because blocking is not effective at maintaining NC.

That is why I specifically asked you this question - even though you checked the box that you had done this. Because skipping over these crucial EPs typically leads to an unhappy BS.

Was the OM married? Who all knows about your affair? Was it ever exposed? How old are your children?

__X___Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

Yes I have done all of these and have continued for 7 months.

I'm sure that you know that dishonesty goes hand in hand with having an affair. Realizing you have been lied to over and over is a big part of what is so painful to a BS.

Here with your answer above is not the complete truth - you did not change your phone number and close your social media accounts. We had to further question you to get that information out of you.

Whenever a WS comes here and tells us they did that item off the check list (changing phone number and closing social media) and really they just blocked, it always is a red flag to me that they still need to work on being open and honest.

You may thing that I am nitpicking you but I can assure you, as a BS, that your BH may be feeling the same thing.

I hope your BH comes here. I think I see some of the issues that are going on and I really think if he comes here and talks to us that we can help him.

The separation happened near the end. He stayed away on the weekdays. It was something we both agreed on.

Whose idea was it for your husband to leave his own home?

Was the OM ever in your home?

Is the OM married?

We sat down and talked about it and both agreed that we would try the separation to see if that helped. No was never inside the home. He did come to the house in sat in the driveway twice. The OM is married but at the time his divorce had already been filed.

[ The OM is married but at the time his divorce had already been filed.

I honestly answered all your questions and I dont feel like you had to beat it out of it at all.

The problem is he having is letting go of what I did and the forgiving part

[. The problem is he having is letting go of what I did and the forgiving part.

He was going through a divoice. after the affair ended he ended up going back to his wife. I only learned this after his wife and my husband talked. My children are 9 & 3. Both sides of the family knows about the affair. I told them myself.

He was going through a divoice. after the affair ended he ended up going back to his wife. I only learned this after his wife and my husband talked. My children are 9 & 3. Both sides of the family knows about the affair. I told them myself.

Did your husband know that you were asking for the separation so you could carry on your affair? Obviously, "separating" is not good for a marriage. If your car breaks down, you don't drive to Cleveland, you go in the garage to fix it.

That means the OM was at your home. Very brazen of him.

Did your kids meet this dirtbag?

Does his wife know about your affair with her husband?

I missed this post. So he was married and your husband informed his wife? Did you also justify the affair with "going through a divorce" after your husband left?

I just want to make it clear that forgiveness is not appropriate so I would stop demanding that. It is not an entitlement for wayward spouses. I think you are probably making it worse by demanding "forgiveness."

Secondly, he should not "let go" of anything. You need to "let go" of your inappropriate boundaries that led to an affair.

NOW, we can help you create a marriage that will make you both happy and secure, but you need to a) get honest and b) stop demanding forgiveness. That makes the situation worse, not better.

It's interesting that your longest post here is to argue with me about my perception of your willingness to be open and honest.


I would advise you again assuming that you know or understand what your BH may need to recover.

Women don't "separate" unless there is an affair going on, except in cases of abuse. And in those cases, it can take us YEARS to persuade her to leave her abusive husband.

So, I see some red flags here that your husband is probably seeing. He might feel like he is not getting the full truth and I would agree with him. These are the red flags I see:

1. the reason behind the separation was the affair and it is not being presented as such

2. the OM came to your husband's home but this is rationalized by saying he was in the driveway. I find that hard to believe he wasn't brought into the home

3. concern about the OM's wife being informed of the affair. First off, he was/is a married man and his wife has a right to know what you and the OM did behind her back. People in affairs very often say they are "getting divorced." You probably said the same thing when you got your husband to move out.

Do I have this right?

Was there a plan for you both to dump your spouses and hook up?