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Good job, my friend!! Hang in there. We are with you!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Spent a good lunch with a friend, who helped me think of all the things I need to ask the lawyer, including about the order of protection.

Out of her many helpful reminders, one stood out. I need to make it clear that he may take his hurt, anger and frustration out on the house, since he knows it's mine and I will be the one to keep it.

As a sidebar to that, even if the police do escort him away from the house, he may find a ride back to the house and cause damage while I am at work.

Always another layer to consider. I'm getting a bit nervous, but also a bit excited. I want to look forward to a future that doesn't look like the past decade. If any of you are praying folks, I would really appreciate prayers of safety and peace for me and our son.


ME:50 HIM:53
MARRIED: 13 YRS, DATED 4 MONTHS PRIOR
HIS 2 KIDS: 30 & 25
OUR CHILD: 9
MOVING OUT & FILING FOR SEPARATION ??/??/??
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I would suggest you ask your lawyer about how to get him out of the house, or if you leave, what recourse you will have if he trashes the house while you are gone.

I would also suggest you take a bunch of photos of the home as evidence of how you left it.

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I can take the photos, but having rented this house out in the past, I already know the law in this county. While someone other than the owner is in possession of the house, the county views it as THEIR house. They may do with it as they please. All I can do is pay to have it cleaned up and fixed when I get it back.

The only way to legally get him out of the house if he is not willing to leave is to leave with our son, rent a place, file for the separation (the next day - hurray!) and await the first hearing.

Then, I will establish that I have separated and that I want full custody of our son and possession of the house. This is helped by the fact that it is not marital property and that H can't drive or see well enough to help with homework. Both should go smoothly, except that he will fight me. He will likely require early mediation and try to delay all he can regarding moving out. That means up to 3-6 months before I can have him removed by court order.

Then, when he's out, I can finally move back in, continue the separation and do the parenting classes required and ride out the rest of the 12-month separation to file for the divorce.

It is what it is. That is what it will take. <deep sigh>


ME:50 HIM:53
MARRIED: 13 YRS, DATED 4 MONTHS PRIOR
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Asking coworkers who live in my area about rentals that I might afford is paying off. I'm seeing more potential.

Most are still either affordable and scary or nice and pricey.

I have hope of finding that safe-enough and cheap-enough place that will work. I won't feel so bad about lost money if I have to break a lease just to get back into my house.

This really, really has to happen soon.

H isn't acting in the slightest violent. That's not the issue at all. What IS the issue is that he is relentless in these marathon conversations. Last night started AFTER I'd put our son to bed. I should have gone to the van, I realize that now. In fact, I may implement that this evening. As I'm fairly certain that he will try - again - to convince me that all my problems are in my head and I should just get over them and fill his needs.

And the Earth spins and today looks a lot like yesterday, but yet I hope for a better tomorrow.

Lawyer said that I can call her office on the first day after I move out. I then retain her services and she files the separation papers. This being the holiday season, I may have to wait longer for hearings and court dates, but I've reached the place where that is worth it.

Poverty and potential bankruptcy are worth a chance at a happier life.


ME:50 HIM:53
MARRIED: 13 YRS, DATED 4 MONTHS PRIOR
HIS 2 KIDS: 30 & 25
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Last night started AFTER I'd put our son to bed. I should have gone to the van, I realize that now.

NO, you should not go to the van, you should move out! Going to the van does not solve the problem. He can just follow you out there and then resume when you come inside. Pack your bags and go to a hotel today!

Originally Posted by OnTheFence608
H isn't acting in the slightest violent. That's not the issue at all. What IS the issue is that he is relentless in these marathon conversations. Last night started AFTER I'd put our son to bed. I should have gone to the van, I realize that now. In fact, I may implement that this evening. As I'm fairly certain that he will try - again - to convince me that all my problems are in my head and I should just get over them and fill his needs.

I would pack today and move you and your son out to a hotel. Even if you have to go into debt to do this, you have to get away from this situation. This is ABUSE and it will not get better.

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Lawyer said that I can call her office on the first day after I move out. I then retain her services and she files the separation papers. This being the holiday season, I may have to wait longer for hearings and court dates, but I've reached the place where that is worth it.

Do this TODAY. Don't put this off any longer.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by OnTheFence608
Poverty and potential bankruptcy are worth a chance at a happier life.

You can overcome temporary financial setbacks, you can't overcome this chronic abuse that leads to emotional and psychosomatic illnesses. We have had many, many women on this forum going back years who are now financially stable after separating.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by OnTheFence608
And the Earth spins and today looks a lot like yesterday, but yet I hope for a better tomorrow.

Hope is not a plan. You need to ACT. Stop talking and start doing! Talking about it does nothing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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OTF, my xH moved out the week I lost my job.

Not only had I always been the biggest breadwinner, but now even his income was not all available to the household anymore.

By him moving out, I was left in our dream home, with its mortgage and property taxes.

It was a tense time, but temporary. I was able to find part time employment to survive within 6 months, which evolved into more substantive employment several months later. Now, other than missing his nice income...lol.. I don't have a lingering financial impact from that event. Time has smoothed it over.

I hope and pray this can be the case for you.

In retrospect, I wouldn't have hesitated for financial reasons for a moment. You are far more important than temporary ruffles in your finances - or even longstanding ruffles. When you're despairingly despondent, a few more or less dollars in your account don't appreciably impact your life.

Just take care of yourself during this stressful time. Get sleep even if you have to take benedryl to get it. Your body can become damaged with lack of sleep and enormous stress piled together. Unfortunately, a voice of experience is speaking.

((Hugs))

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OTF, i have a suggestion. Pack you and your son's bags and leave. Go check into a hotel. Once you have done this, have the attorney file the separation papers.

CAll your husband and tell him you have filed for separation and for full use of the home. Ask him to move out willingly so you and your son can live in your home. Let him know you will not be living with him for some time unless and until you see a dramatic change in his behavior.

Do you think he would leave willingly?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, OTF - you need to get a fire lit under you and get moving!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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There are no easy words to write this. So, here goes....

Last night, I had to use my escape hatch to save the family. The heat pump was/is dead, I must have another. I thought that, given my credit rating and history, I'd have no problem with the financing - though I might end up in bankruptcy once I was successfully separated. And that plan was WELL underway.

Except, I was denied. By two different companies that I already do business with! So, to ensure that the house had a heat pump, I had to reveal the credit card. This was the only way to get the unit ordered, and still won't be installed until Monday.

I think he understood that as hurt as he was about me having secrets of that magnitude, I was hurting even more. To the point of needing away from him and his abusive behaviors. For me and for our son. I was willing to lie to his face to protect my secret.

Things fell in place for him. He has been reading and watching the Marriage Builders videos. But, he now understands that, with all that, he was continuing to act abusively and I was still ready to leave.

The problem is, now that I have revealed the credit card and allowed it to be completely used up for the heat pump, I am stuck. I now have no resources to leave. He will not voluntarily leave.

I really was backed into a corner over this. He did react better, with more restraint than I ever would have expected. Our discussion was an actual give-and-take of why and how each felt. Truth is, it was one of the best conversations I've had with him in years. I saw him controlling his impulse to lash out. There were very few love-busters and he apologized immediately. I did have one love-busting rude comment, for which I apologized.

I now have no way out. He appears to be willing to make major changes. I have explained that my one biggest on-going, love-busting, account draining complaint is that my concerns are not listened to. He now gets that I am not in love with him and that he is responsible for that account being empty.

This website has given both of us tools to communicate better than we ever have. Last night was the first major conversation in years where I did not feel manipulated. I didn't feel put in a verbal corner where lying was the only safe way out.

He finally understands that, while there was a time I was intentionally hurting him to get him to hate and leave me, I can't help sometimes if my being honest about my feelings hurts his. As in, if I'm feeling ignored and tell him that I am feeling ignored and what would help me not feel ignored, he can't turn it around on me, telling me that I hurt his feelings by questioning his worth as a man by expressing my feelings. Especially when I was kind in my wording and clear in my proposed solution.

Please know, I'm disappointed that I didn't get away. I know many of you will also be disappointed for me.

Of course, I'm concerned that this new dedication to me and to our marriage is short-lived. Especially given that he knows I gave up my 'escape hatch' for the sake of the family.

*** Why didn't I just move out and leave him there with a not-working heat pump? Well, that's more about the dogs, one of which is very close to death and doesn't have the fur or fat layer left to fight off the cold. AND, if I just walked away, he could have wrecked havoc simply by NOT protecting the pipes in the upcoming arctic blast. Then, I would have had to come home to a broken heat pump AND potentially busted pipes.


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You didn't leave because your dog is close to death.

So a dog with little life left is worth more than the wellbeing of you and your son?

Is he acting or talking?

Reminder:
Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Originally Posted by OnTheFence608
This is critical mass. I've never held out against this pressure this long before. I can't say that I know what will happen next.
Everytime you give in, he knows he can control you and the next time will be even more difficult. I pray you have the strength not to give in.

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Originally Posted by OnTheFence608
Last night, I had to use my escape hatch to save the family.


No you didn't . You used one escape hatch. There are always others. Let me throw an idea your way:

You tell him that you have thought this through carefully and he needs to move out this weekend. That will be the best way for him to show you that he is serious about recovery. Only if he actually does that will you know that he really means to save his marriage. Otherwise it will just be more of the same old.


3 adult children
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OTF I can only imagine how difficult and confusing your choices may be. I have a friend in a similar situation who had to let her home go and had lined up a few friends to stay with a few months each while she gets back in her feet. I pray that additional choices become obvious to you.


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Im still watching your thread.
Brainstorm with your family and friends who know what you are going through to find a different escape hatch and don't torch the next one!
Don't give up- nothing he says right now means anything.
It is the cycle of abuse... round and round you go.

Again- don't give up. Go brainstorm, let us brainstorm, ask Dr. Harley for ideas.... and keep looking. You can still do this.

routing for you!


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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I'm still stopping by. I read the whole thread over and over, reminding myself that this is a cycle. I see it for what it is for the first time ever - at least this clearly.

The next cycle of verbal abuse has already begun, couched in the new lingo of this and other marriage advice websites. It's subtle, to the point I even wonder if he's aware that he's doing it. Whether he is or isn't misses the point, and I'm finally aware of that. Abuse is abuse.

The other downside of getting him on this website is that he's been taught how to snoop and he's applying what he's learned. I now have to appear to be an open book, which complicates efforts to get away.

I haven't given up. This delays things quite a bit. I felt pretty trapped and helpless when the uncovering happened. Still, seeing what I now see clearly and knowing what I have to do to make the separation begin give me hope. I'm brainstorming while at work. There has to be another way. There IS another way. I will find it.

For now, I will have to make clear that the plan isn't that he treats me nice until he gets his SF fulfilled, then goes right back to how he treated me before.

His big changes have been:
* Speak nicer to me - most of the time.
* Rub my feet or back if I ask - fine if I overlook the gropes at the end of most back rubs.
* Take me out to dinner, with our son, once a week - most weeks. He believes this is killing two birds with one stone - taking me out and being nice to our son where I can see it.
* Snooping into my cell phone use (in his name) and bank account. He learned about that on this website and I don't even debate the 'totally open and honest' argument he uses to justify it.

He now has more control over me than he has in years. Still, I am looking for that chance to get away and breathe.

He's using this website like he used the Bible - just the parts that back his world view and keep him in control of me and our son. The rest is hogwash or too confusing for his 'simple mind' to understand.

Anyway, I'm here. I'm working on a new plan. There is a way out and I'm going to find it. One that allows me to take our son with me. It's on the tip of my brain right now.

I'll keep posting as I hammer this down.



ME:50 HIM:53
MARRIED: 13 YRS, DATED 4 MONTHS PRIOR
HIS 2 KIDS: 30 & 25
OUR CHILD: 9
MOVING OUT & FILING FOR SEPARATION ??/??/??
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Originally Posted by OnTheFence608
Take me out to dinner, with our son, once a week - most weeks. He believes this is killing two birds with one stone - taking me out and being nice to our son where I can see it.
* Snooping into my cell phone use (in his name) and bank account. He learned about that on this website and I don't even debate the 'totally open and honest' argument he uses to justify it.

He now has more control over me than he has in years. Still, I am looking for that chance to get away and breathe.

He's using this website like he used the Bible - just the parts that back his world view and keep him in control of me and our son. The rest is hogwash or too confusing for his 'simple mind' to understand.

This is pretty typical behavior where the abuser uses the MB program to control his spouse. Dr. Harley does not suggest openness and honesty in abusive marriages, btw.

Quote
Take me out to dinner, with our son, once a week - most weeks. He believes this is killing two birds with one stone - taking me out and being nice to our son where I can see it.

This does not count as UA time. So in effect, he is doing nothing to improve his marriage. NOTHING.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I know I can't afford to be open and honest. Just that H uses that policy to question me. I don't debate it, he doesn't see that he's abusive. In fact, he has said that my continued secrecy and failure to provide him the sense of security he needs is abusive towards him.

I also know that those 'dates' don't count because we can't be adult and honest during these 'dates'. HE sees this differently.

It honestly reminds me of being a child myself. When I knew I was in trouble, I would bring a friend home. I used that friend to insulate myself from the trouble, counting on Mom's manners to not embarrass me in front of that friend. It usually worked, until the friend was sent home.

My husband is hiding behind our son so that I can't be 'real', but he still wants credit for the date time. You guessed it - for his SF. He no longer even acknowledges that I am in withdrawal or have been suffering from SA. I am aware of this now. I see how the game is played half-way, but if I call him on it, he wants the half that matters to HIM to count for me. Otherwise, he'll quit even that half blaming me for not being cooperative or helpful.

I almost admire the twisted logic that gets him where he is. It's beautiful as much as it is abusive. That I really did fall for it day in and day out for years is astonishing to me. I really can be THAT clueless for when my feelings and needs are being trampled, ignored or manipulated.

::: Shaking head ::: Less time worrying about how or why I got here and more brain time figuring my way to freedom.

FOCUS, OnTheFence, FOCUS. Yesterday is already wasted and unchangeable. Today is needed to plan for tomorrow.


ME:50 HIM:53
MARRIED: 13 YRS, DATED 4 MONTHS PRIOR
HIS 2 KIDS: 30 & 25
OUR CHILD: 9
MOVING OUT & FILING FOR SEPARATION ??/??/??
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Originally Posted by OnTheFence608
I know I can't afford to be open and honest. Just that H uses that policy to question me.

That needs to stop immediately. Tell him that policy does not apply here.

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I don't debate it, he doesn't see that he's abusive. In fact, he has said that my continued secrecy and failure to provide him the sense of security he needs is abusive towards him.

In other words, he is manipulating the principles to control you.

Quote
I also know that those 'dates' don't count because we can't be adult and honest during these 'dates'. HE sees this differently.

Honestly, you are wasting your time here with someone who is not serious. He won't be serious until you are serious. You are an adult woman who doesn't have to live like this. Choose wisely.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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