Hi all,
This is my first post. I want to try and keep this short (as it is quite long winded!!!) basically we have been married since 2012, together since 2005. We started trying for a baby in 2013 and then a year later found out my husband has issues with his sperm. My husband had an issue with his foreskin - from us having sex, trying for a baby. He went to the doctors who gave him cream to stretch it. Meanwhile we needed treatment and the first cycle ended in a miscarriage of triplets. Something that hurts to this day. One day in 2015 I left my mums house to go out with my sister - my husband stayed there. I realized I had forgotten something so nipped back to find him on the sofa, trousers open with his iPad watching porn. I had a panic attack, my dad and sister helped me recover, my husband took his iPad and jumped in the car and drove away. I went back home, left my wedding rings and stayed at my mums. Everything I had been through just felt like nothing. Everything felt like a lie, happiness at Christmas, birthdays etc all the time I image he thought about the women on porn. When I asked him he said he did to stay hard to stretch. I asked him how many times and when, he said three times, once after our babies funeral (that hurts immensely), once again a couple of weeks later and the last time at my parents. He watched both heterosexual and lesbian sex. After this I was forced (by him and he knows it) through another round of treatment which was unsuccessful. We then went abroad for treatment and I got really poorly because my ovary twisted during treatment. I'm left which a couple of emergency scars on my stomach which I HATE. I kind of blame him for it as its his problem with his sperm yet it's my body that has suffered I feel. That sounds awful I know. Anyway we have had a baby who is 5 months old. He is my world and has stolen my heart well and truly! I'm not thin anyway but I'm back to my pre pregnancy weight but I hate my body anyway. The scars and my stretch marks are hideous. After three weeks we had sex again. After I cried as usual, because of my body. I asked him how it felt and he said different, not like before and wasn't as 'tight' which has broken me. I bought some internal balls to help me try and tone 'in there'. He has done different things and 'moves' than before which makes me suspicious that he is still using porn. I'm suspicious of everything he does on his phone and iPad. I'm even suspicious if he goes to the bathroom for longer than normal. The vision of me walking in on him 'haunts' me and seems to want to pop into my head just at random. We haven't had sex in about a week due to work etc life has just been busy but it doesn't seem like something I want to do. It seems no matter how much I try and look better with my hair, nails etc I don't feel good enough. This all started in 2015 and just isn't going away, that's why I have looked for help and advice. I don't want to see a counselor as I'm ashamed of the situation but others input would be very much appreciated. Sorry for the long post!
Thanks in advance

Welcome to MB. Do you have spyware on his devices so you can know if he is still viewing porn?

Have you read this and listen to the radio clips in here? Dr. Harley on the Scourge of pornography

The solution is to put spyware on his ipad and iphone without him knowing.

I am concerned that you are bringing this up alot to him. Bringing up the mistakes of the past is sure fire love killer in marriage and you have alot of new stresses in your marriage. It's ok to bring it up if its still happening, but your marriage does not sound like a very happy place. Are you and your husband going out on dates? What are you doing to sustain the love in your marriage?

You're not going to feel better until you know for sure you aren't being compared to others in very unfair circumstances. I think your instincts are on point and spyware will back that up. Once you've established that the past is definitely over with, you should try and create a fun romantic relationship which focuses on the present. If you had that, you'd feel plenty beautiful and would also be more accepting of your husbands bodily limitations.

It's no wonder you two have lost the fun and romance factor. You've been through a lot.

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious babies!