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She should be able to block him on that phone for now once she goes into Plan B. The locks are not expensive at all at Home Depot.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Did you ever properly expose this affair (I know you were advised to do a full exposure, including to OW's side)?

Also, you mention being a long term SAHM yet seem to be without an income. Is your WH still paying the bills? Just because he moved out does not mean he can simply stop paying bills or helping to support you and your son. Is he still doing that?

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I have no income. I�m in online school. The phone is on WH�s account for now, he owes on its balance, charged to his account.
There are local options I�m looking into but with the recent sub-zero temps, the charities are low on funds and resources for now.
I will be receiving dependent SSDI sometime this month, I just don�t know when yet. It�s the 1st payment. I�ll be slightly better but it will barely cover the bills.

He gave my mother the keys. I�m looking at automatic garage door locks today. I�ll need a weather proof padlock too.

I�m composing my NC letter now. I have an email specifically written to his dad that I need to finish. I�m not sure what to say to his sister. I know I need to tread carefully on FB with WH�s & OW� friends & family. Facts only, no slander. I tried composing a blanket message but anger entered. And so did anxiety because I still trigger when I see or hear her name. I�ll have to type it out. Ick.

I have an IM willing to help me.


Me/BW: 42. Him/WH: 47. DS 11
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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
I have no income. I�m in online school. The phone is on WH�s account for now, he owes on its balance, charged to his account.
There are local options I�m looking into but with the recent sub-zero temps, the charities are low on funds and resources for now.
I will be receiving dependent SSDI sometime this month, I just don�t know when yet. It�s the 1st payment. I�ll be slightly better but it will barely cover the bills.

He gave my mother the keys. I�m looking at automatic garage door locks today. I�ll need a weather proof padlock too.

Good girl!!!

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I�m composing my NC letter now.

WE call this a no contact letter. Do you have the template? Please post your letter before you deliver it so we can give you feedback. I would also attach a visitation schedule that works for you and your son. In your Plan B letter, you will need to specify that he is not to come in the house nor can he expose your son to his affair.

BEFORE you go into plan B be sure and have your intermediary set up. You will need to also anticipate any ways he might try to get you to break Plan B, such as calling or coming to the house.

Before you go dark into Plan B, tell your son all about the affair and explain Plan B to him. Tell him that you don't want him to pass on any messages from his father.

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I have an email specifically written to his dad that I need to finish. I�m not sure what to say to his sister.

What kind of letter? Is this an exposure letter?

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I know I need to tread carefully on FB with WH�s & OW� friends & family. Facts only, no slander. I tried composing a blanket message but anger entered. And so did anxiety because I still trigger when I see or hear her name. I�ll have to type it out. Ick.

Go to the exposure 101 link in my signature and use the templates there. You should send them all private messages on FB..

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I have an IM willing to help me.

Perfect! You will want to tell him in the letter that any PERTINENT information needs go through your IM. The IM needs to screen out anything that is not absolutely necessary. There should be almost no need for any communication if you stick to a strict visitation schedule.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here is the template:

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Every knows except our son. He has proudly flaunted his OW to his family as his new girlfriend. There's no one else to tell and I don't want DS to know, yet. His counselor agrees because he's not adjusting well as it is.

That's going to basically drag out his pain and suffering and agony and make it harder for him to ever adjust. How can he even start adjusting when he doesn't know this horrible truth exists that he's going to have to adjust to?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have 8 children and you can bet that if I took up with another woman they would be the first people my wife would tell.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Isn�t 6 weeks too far out for this level of exposure?

No. Do you have a book or something telling you that?

I suggest you listen to the people here like MelodyLane who have been working with marriages in situations just like yours for over ten years. She knows what she is talking about. Do you see on this screen where it says she joined this site in April of 2001 and she has posted over ninety thousand times?

You can get through this intact and possibly save your marriage if you'll listen and follow the advice.

If you don't I would suggest you give up because you are not going to have any chance at all.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have the template, I had to modify it. 1- He�s already moved out. 2- It�s too sappy, even for me. It will be the perfect b-day present for OW to laugh over when he shares it with her.

The letter to FIL is an exposure letter containing my side of it, and what truths I know. I also side-swipe WH in it by stating I will never block FIL from seeing DS. I included DS�s # so they can talk directly. I did this because when DD23�s father left, he told his family I was the reason they couldn�t see her. I�m not letting lies destroy any possible connections there.

One the NC letter is done, I�ll post it then work on the visitation and limitations. DS will not have any contact with OW or her family for a minimum of 90 days after a divorce is final. I have that in writing.
I think I�ll start with the state approved minimum visitation schedule and work from there.


Vent- my apologies. My mother already thinks it�s time for me to move on. She�s sick of him and thinks this NC plan is stupid because it involves a 3rd person unnecessarily. I should stand up to him instead. She doesn�t understand I can stand up to him while I�m still on my knees.


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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
I have the template, I had to modify it. 1- He�s already moved out. 2- It�s too sappy, even for me. It will be the perfect b-day present for OW to laugh over when he shares it with her.

Gotcha, please post it before you send it so we can give you feedback.

Quote
The letter to FIL is an exposure letter containing my side of it, and what truths I know. I also side-swipe WH in it by stating I will never block FIL from seeing DS. I included DS�s # so they can talk directly. I did this because when DD23�s father left, he told his family I was the reason they couldn�t see her. I�m not letting lies destroy any possible connections there.

That sounds good. I would also suggest you tell him the REAL TRUTH, not your side. There is only one side to the truth. Be short and succinct and tell him about your H's affair and how it led to this terrible place. I wouldn't add anything else other than your suggestion that his family can see your son. If it is too long and rambling it will lose its meaning.

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One the NC letter is done, I�ll post it then work on the visitation and limitations. DS will not have any contact with OW or her family for a minimum of 90 days after a divorce is final. I have that in writing.

Perfect!

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I think I�ll start with the state approved minimum visitation schedule and work from there.

I would start with what is best for you and your son. Because whatever schedule you put into place will set the precedent. Keep in mind that your H is a BAD INFLUENCE, so the less time with his dad the better.

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Vent- my apologies. My mother already thinks it�s time for me to move on. She�s sick of him and thinks this NC plan is stupid because it involves a 3rd person unnecessarily. I should stand up to him instead. She doesn�t understand I can stand up to him while I�m still on my knees.

ummm, you are closing the door. "Standing up to him" will only tear you down as you wisely said! Surely your mother understands its a good idea to end contact with him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This all sounds wonderful and you are getting great advice!

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I would start with what is best for you and your son. Because whatever schedule you put into place will set the precedent. Keep in mind that your H is a BAD INFLUENCE, so the less time with his dad the better.

I so agree, it is time to start taking care of yourself.

Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Vent- my apologies. My mother already thinks it�s time for me to move on. She�s sick of him and thinks this NC plan is stupid because it involves a 3rd person unnecessarily. I should stand up to him instead. She doesn�t understand I can stand up to him while I�m still on my knees.

This is victim blaming. No one tells people to stand up to their rapists. I can't think of anything more necessary than making sure he can't make idle chit chat with you whenever the spirit moves him to rub his lack of remorse in your face. If you were to stand up to him, it would just cause a very distressing conflict for your son.

I would just tell her you have better things to do, like paint your toenails.

This attitude is super common though at the start. I was met with plenty of raised eyebrows that I couldn't 'just be civil'. Six months on and everyone was praising my wisdom to the skies, because they were able to dismiss his annoying antics without having to worry how they would affect me.


Last edited by indiegirl; 01/09/18 04:49 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Surely your mother understands its a good idea to end contact with him?

I don�t think to this level. I think she thinks I�m being immature, maybe. But in the same conversation, she wants to limit WH�s time with DS.


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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Quote
Surely your mother understands its a good idea to end contact with him?

I don�t think to this level. I think she thinks I�m being immature, maybe. But in the same conversation, she wants to limit WH�s time with DS.

You are making the right decision, so hang in there and keep moving forward!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I just realized that this NC letter is worded towards what some sites call the Affair Fogged Brain of the WS. Blech!!! See for yourself...

To my dear husband, my (pet name),

As I�ve written before these past 6 weeks, I sincerely apologize for my part in the destruction of our priceless marriage. I am honestly so very sorry for allowing my personal stresses to overwhelm me to the point of neglecting my wifely duties and responsibilities to my treasured husband. I failed to communicate with you on vital topics and failed to recognize the signs that you desperately needed me on a deeper physical level than I had been offering. I am truly sorry that I was not there for you when you needed me the most and now we�re both suffering from my mistakes.

I have also mentioned my willingness to improve myself to be more present in our marriage, more attentive to you and your needs, and to find ways to reconnect with you on all personal levels. I want to help myself learn to recognize and avoid repeating the same mistakes and to prevent new issues from arising. I am willing to create a fresh new life for the both of us that will meet your needs.

However, this has been the single most devastatingly painful experience of my life. I cannot offer these blessed improvements to you in the current situation we are in until your relationship with your affair partner ends completely. I cannot live like this anymore. It is far too painful for me. Until your affair ends and you are willing to come back home, to work on a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you and communicate with you personally and/or directly.

(Friend) has agreed to help me with this as our go-between. If you want to communicate with me about any of the necessary topics, you will go through her via email.

I ask that you please respect this choice I�ve made. You must realize that I am still suffering and struggling over our current situation caused by your continued relationship with your affair partner. I can no longer be around you or talk to you knowing you are still living with her. I love you with all my heart but I cannot interact with you while we are living in these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship with her and rejoin me in a plan to rebuild our marriage, I will be willing to discuss our future together with you.

I do hope that someday we will be able to build something amazing out of our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other�s emotional, mental, and physical needs like we once did before. I want us to be able to avoid doing anything to hurt each other again. We can build a new life together in which everything we do will bring joy and satisfaction to each other.

I have loved you and cared for you practically from the moment we met and I still love and care for you today. But, I cannot be around you or talk to you as long as you continue your relationship with her.

Love, Forever & Always.
MysticAngel


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Merging threads.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by mysticangel516
No. I haven�t. I blocked her on FB today. I got tired of tormenting myself and exposing myself to her. She�s already proven jealous and insecure by texting WH whenever he�s with his son. I don�t want her nose anymore in my business. WH told her enough already.

You should expose the affair to all her family and friends. Please go read the link in my signature and come back and we can help you with feedback.
I saw that you were advised to expose to OW�s side but I didn�t see any plan for that. Are you planning on exposing to OW�s side? Who is on your exposure list?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by mysticangel516
No. I haven�t. I blocked her on FB today. I got tired of tormenting myself and exposing myself to her. She�s already proven jealous and insecure by texting WH whenever he�s with his son. I don�t want her nose anymore in my business. WH told her enough already.

You should expose the affair to all her family and friends. Please go read the link in my signature and come back and we can help you with feedback.
I saw that you were advised to expose to OW�s side but I didn�t see any plan for that. Are you planning on exposing to OW�s side? Who is on your exposure list?

I�m going to compose a blanket message to hopefully cover both WH & OW �s friends lists so I don�t have to rewrite it.
She has at least 1 sibling, 2 daughters, 1 son, a MIL. I don�t know the relationships of some of the others. They could be cousins. I thought I might surf his sister�s friends list for his nieces, nephews, and other cousins not on his list.
I�ve written it 4 times now but keep getting petty. Good thing tomorrow�s trash night.


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Blanket FB message:

It grieves me to write this but I believe you should be aware that OW�s new live-in boyfriend, WH, is my husband of 14 years. They began their affair while he was still living with me, as my husband, for 4 months before he ran out to be with her. Their affair has been difficult on me but our 11 year old son is devastated by Daddy not living here anymore.


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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Blanket FB message:

It grieves me to write this but I believe you should be aware that OW�s new live-in boyfriend, WH, is my husband of 14 years. They began their affair while he was still living with me, as my husband, for 4 months before he ran out to be with her. Their affair has been difficult on me but our 11 year old son is devastated by Daddy not living here anymore.

A good start. Add: "I am asking that you use your influence to persuade Skanky to end her affair with my husband. Thank you, Mrs XXXXx


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Your Plan B letter is great! My only suggeston would be to remove the word "relationship" and replace with affair.

Quote
You must realize that I am still suffering and struggling over our current situation caused by your continued relationship affair. with your affair partner. I can no longer be around you or talk to you knowing you are still living with her. I love you with all my heart but I cannot interact wit


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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