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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
My sexual dysfunction was due to severe major depressive disorder and perimenopause. I was diagnosed at 13. I've been on and off meds since then.


I see you had pre existing issues, but did you ever agree to have sex when you weren't exactly in the mood? If you did, often enough, it will create sexual aversion on top. This happens regardless of how great a guy you might be married to. Just to underline the importance of enthusiasm in this programme.



Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Has he had an affair before?

He had a 2 month PA in winter 2006.
I had a w 2 month online EA in 2011.

We reconciled from both.

We lost our physical intimacy in the last 1-2 years and he mentioned we lost our deeper communication. Fixable issues.


Totally fixable. But it must be fixed by him. Him alone. Not only is he in his second affair, but his second affair is active. His affairs were not caused by communication issues! He must learn to be completely reassuring and remorseful before he is allowed home.

It worries me when you say 'we' and 'both'. This is his mess to clean up.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I understand that he chose to cheat. That is on him. I take no blame for his choices to lie, cheat, and abandon our son and me. If he truly wanted out because he gave up, he should have taken the respectable, honorable way out.

I do accept the reality that I had a hand in pushing him away. I wasn't sexually active in our marriage and sex is important to him.

Affairs can and are started by lack of communication. It's the lack of saying "I need attention, affection, support, comfort, etc.". The purpose of some affairs is to fill a hole that is missing. In both his affairs, it was sex. In mine, it was comforting words. Both communication issues.

To him, we lacked sex and communication. We miscommunicated on the sex aspect due to being selfish and forgetful of our partners needs and desires. We failed to communicate those needs and desires. We also failed to communicate our emotional needs and desires too. We talked about a lot of things, every day, but not about what needed to be said. That is a mutual failing.


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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Not only is he in his second affair, but his second affair is active.

This is his 3rd affair.


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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Affairs can and are started by lack of communication. It's the lack of saying "I need attention, affection, support, comfort, etc.". The purpose of some affairs is to fill a hole that is missing. In both his affairs, it was sex. In mine, it was comforting words. Both communication issues.

Affairs are started by people who have poor boundaries with the opposite sex. You could have met his needs 100% and he would have still had an affair. He is a SERIAL cheater and was even probably out looking for action. There was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent that.

And this is a point I want to drive home. Unless he makes a RADICAL change in his lifestyle, you can't afford to ever take him back. That means he starts acting like a married man and develop safe boundaries so you are protected.

Quote
To him, we lacked sex and communication. We miscommunicated on the sex aspect due to being selfish and forgetful of our partners needs and desires. We failed to communicate those needs and desires. We also failed to communicate our emotional needs and desires too. We talked about a lot of things, every day, but not about what needed to be said. That is a mutual failing.

And we can help you resolve this in the future IF he cleans up his boundaries. As long as he has poor boundaries around women this will continue to happen no matter how well you meet each others needs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The fact that he has 3 affairs, that you know about, tells me he is out looking for action. This does not happen by accident. He knew after the 1st affair how devastated you were yet he did nothing to protect you. That is very, very alarming.

It doesn't mean your marriage can't be saved, but his changes will have to be radical and comprehensive. By that, I mean, you should have lives where you are together 24/7 so you can watch him at all times.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Read this and listen to the radio clips in here, Serial Cheaters


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Affairs can and are started by lack of communication. It's the lack of saying "I need attention, affection, support, comfort, etc.". The purpose of some affairs is to fill a hole that is missing. In both his affairs, it was sex. In mine, it was comforting words. Both communication issues.

There are MANY people who are not getting their needs met in marriage who do not have an affair - many who post here on these forums, some who post for years - never mind three affairs.

There are MANY people who are getting their most important ENs met in marriage who DO have an affair.

The common denomination in people who have affairs is that they do not have good boundaries with members of the opposite sex.

This is for a person who has ONE affair. Someone who has multiple affairs is another story, altogether than a person who has weak boundaries. A serial cheater is someone who LIKES getting needs met outside of marriage. It doesn't just happen by accident - they LOOK for it to happen.

I spoke to Dr Harley about this personally regarding my own WxH.



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This is his 2nd affair. I had an emotional affair too.

I know HE is the one that needs to fix himself. I know I cannot afford to take him back unless HE is willing to do the work. He is NOT allowed back unless HE is willing to meet the reconciliation requirements. Yes, I'm a brokenhearted fool who cries over a man who rejected me but I'm not stupid. I need to protect myself and my son to ensure this does not happen again.

I am working on myself. I am under professional care. I am working to help my son through this, no matter the outcome. I have also been praying to God for guidance on my next step.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy and that's okay by me. I'm holding on to the last thread of hope I can. I want to restore our marriage. I want the chance to help rebuild our marriage that he denied me. I learned my lesson with my EA in 2011 and I value an treasure MY vows to him, even if he tossed his away.
I want my husband to wake up and see he screwed up but that it's fixable. I want MY husband back.


Thanks to texts in my phone and what WH told me, the affair started the weekend of August 10-12. That was the camping trip DS & I took with my aunts.

Last edited by mysticangel516; 01/12/18 01:17 PM.

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I sent the exposure email off to his dad this morning. There was no bashing or negativity. No slander. Just the truth.

I also added that I will never prevent him from seeing my son.



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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
I sent the exposure email off to his dad this morning. There was no bashing or negativity. No slander. Just the truth.

I also added that I will never prevent him from seeing my son.

What about Plan B? When will you deliver the letter and go dark?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
This is his 2nd affair. I had an emotional affair too.
Sorry about that, I misread it.

Quote
I need to protect myself and my son to ensure this does not happen again.
That's great. I promise once you are in a dark Plan B for a period of time you will start to feel better.


Quote
Everyone thinks I'm crazy and that's okay by me.
I don't think anyone here thinks you are crazy. We just know what an uphill battle it can be dealing with a serial cheater and are just cautioning you to be careful. It sounds like you are not going to settle unless he is willing to make some serious changes and that's good!




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I will go dark tomorrow or Sunday when the Plan B letter can be delivered.

The letter to WS's dad will be nothing to WH because of the rest of the contents. He will see the "exposure" as an act of desperation by a crazy woman.

Of course, all that depends on FIL saying anything. He probably won't because it's none of his business what his son does. After all, WH took OW to FIL's for Christmas.

I am nothing to them right now but the crazy ex-wife.


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SusieQ... Out here, offline, everyone thinks I'm crazy for still fighting and holding on. They want me to let go and move on already.

It's sometimes extremely scary and I feel pathetic when I can go from looking at him and thinking "I don't want to have anything to do with you! I hate what you did. You deserve to suffer too" to wanting to help him and show him I still care. Then ask myself "Why did you just do that?" Sometimes it feels so uncontrolled and uncontrollable, like I'm a puppet on strings. It drives me crazy but it is the same irresistible pull I felt when I needed to go to confession. The same pull to pray.

Did I mention the mitten? I cried and cussed him and myself out making it for him. I tossed it aside a few times to stop myself. But I made it. It's finished. I even scotchguarded it for water resistance. It's hanging up, waiting. I'm upset that I made it. I'm upset that I'm driven to give it to him.


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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
SusieQ... Out here, offline, everyone thinks I'm crazy for still fighting and holding on. They want me to let go and move on already.

I get it, that's how my closest friends and family were the FIRST time I tried to recover my marriage. They were seeing something that I wasn't about my ex apparently.

I don't think it's that uncommon for BS's to have a hard time letting go or wanting to fight for the marriage when nobody else thinks there is hope. I would just say, once you are in Plan B and not the emergency room like you are now (yes, you are being re-traumatized by having contact with an unrepentant wayward), you may see things differently. I know that I was able to look at things more clearly once everything settled down a bit.

The main reason I stick around here five years after my divorce, even though this is a marriage building forum, is to hopefully show a BS that a divorce can be the best outcome in some cases. For me it certainly was. My relationship with my kids, friends, family is so much better now than it was when I was married. I am much healthier and happier now.


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Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Of course, all that depends on FIL saying anything. He probably won't because it's none of his business what his son does. After all, WH took OW to FIL's for Christmas.

How disgusting!! The FIL definitely needs to know the truth. And the whole point of exposure is to get him to speak to his son. So hopefully he will do that.

If my son brought a HOE to my house, they would be shown the door. Most parents would not appreciate a grown child darkening their doorstep in such a way.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by mysticangel516
Of course, all that depends on FIL saying anything. He probably won't because it's none of his business what his son does. After all, WH took OW to FIL's for Christmas.

How disgusting!! The FIL definitely needs to know the truth. And the whole point of exposure is to get him to speak to his son. So hopefully he will do that.

If my son brought a HOE to my house, they would be shown the door. Most parents would not appreciate a grown child darkening their doorstep in such a way.

Maybe WH lied. I don't know. All I know is that I was kind and truthful.

FIL was a BS & abandoned by his first wife, WH's mother. I know FIL must know that WH walked out on his son. I don't know how he feels about that. I added that we (FIL & I) both know the lasting damage this can cause our kids. I see it now in DS. He has a 1DD & 2DS. I don't know DD well but I know his sons still have lasting scars. '

He's also the type not to say something in front of OW, even though it should.

I am hoping FIL says something... The last thing WH would ever want is to be a disappointment to his father.
But then again, in foggy wayward land, he can't see that he's being a disappointment to his own son.


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It sounds like you have a good plan m.a. Nobody thinks you are crazy. Brokenhearted is not crazy.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Did you expose to WH�s siblings?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Did you expose to WH�s siblings?

BIL is AWOL. No one knows where he is right now.

SIL changed he number when she & WH had a falling out about 3 years ago. I don't know the status of their reconnection. He used her as an excuse the last 2 weekends he was home. I believe I will add that to her FB message.


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Due to a bad storm, WH's truck is stuck in 6+ inches of snow. He won't be over to see DS today. Maybe not tomorrow either. It might not be until Monday when OW will need to go to work.

He cannot physically clear the snow himself. OW has 3 adult or close to it kids.

The snow was his excuse but in his defense, we've received nearly another inch in the last 2 hours and it's still coming down.

My IM is busy this weekend. I was going to give him the Plan B letter in a sealed envelope.


Me/BW: 42. Him/WH: 47. DS 11
DDay: Nov 29, 2017. He moved in with OW that night.
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