I�m afraid to ask for advice because I�m afraid to lose whatever I have left of my hope.
I pray day and night for the restoration of my husband and our marriage. We�ve been together 17 years, married over 14, have an 11 year old son together. It hasn�t been perfect or easy but it has been worth it.
I apologize now for the length and possible rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

According to him... He was on a roller coaster depression with suicidal thoughts. The last weekend of July, he decided he was leaving me one way or the other. He contemplated overdosing on his pain & sleeping pills. Our son & I were away with my aunts. He did not reveal any of his problems while he was suffering. He was a wonderful husband and father the whole time.
The same weekend, he logs onto social media and is PM�d by a lonely recent widow going through problems in her life. They talk, he supports her. They start an Emotional Affair. Somewhere along the way, it becomes a Physical Affair. And then it turned into what people call an Exit Affair.

Sometime in early Nov, I started listening to my gut and seeing the signs of his affair. I started pulling out of my own depression (that he knew about) and focusing on him and our marriage more. He pulled further away. Nov 21 was a night I listened to my gut feelings that screamed �he�s gone� and repeated all the reasons suicide was the right choice. It wasn�t only him. I must stress that now. I had years of heartache, depression, and disappointment in myself that exiting life was right. I tried to kill myself. I don�t regret it because I got the help I needed. I was in a psychiatric facility for a week.

The day I came home was the worst day of my life. When I got home, my husband was still in bed, awake. I curled up with my head on his shoulder and tried to enjoy his presence, remembering that he was the man I loved and wanted to spend my life with. After a few minutes, he rolled over to check his phone and play a game. Somewhere in my mind I realized his phone was unlocked and I could check it. I grabbed it. I hadn�t seen him so upset and disappointed with anything as he was in that moment. He made threats to turn off my phone. I yelled that �You�re my husband and you�re hiding things from me�. He said �Yes. I�m leaving you.� I was in disbelief and shock. He started following through with canceling my phone on his tablet. I looked at his text messages for only a few seconds but that was all I needed to see her name and something about �when you get to the house...� I threw his phone. I asked when he was going to leave. He said i guess now, since you�re home. It technically only took him about 3 hours to pack essentials and walk out the door.
I went back into the psych ward for another week.

As cruel as that day was, he has been fully respectful to me since. We talked a few times about why. He accepted my boundaries for the protection of my emotions. He is extremely careful about following them without fail. He�s been paying our bills like usual. He set up automatic funds transfers that start mid Jan. When he comes to see his son, he talks to me as if he still lives here, just not about us, unless I bring us up. He�s careful about not taking too much of his stuff at once and only with my permission. I know he�s just keeping the peace �for our son�s sake� right now .

I�m doing so much to keep my sanity and working on self-improvement. I realized in the hospital that my failed suicide meant that someone wanted me around still. I began praying again and listening in return. The more I learn about affairs, relationships, marriage, abandonment, healing myself without my husband around... the more I�m drawn to accepting him back and wanting him to come home. I see our positive moments and know they outweigh the negatives. I see that we have been through too much together to give up this easily.

Every ounce of advice I�ve received so far has been to let him go and don�t look back. No contact with him except for our son and finances. Ignore him when he�s there. Contact a lawyer and file for the divorce now. I�ve even been told that I have enough motivation to hate him and act like it around him.
The only helpful advice has been to focus on myself, my son, and our healing. I�m doing that.

I still love my husband and I still want him to come home, back to his son and back to me. I know I�m holding onto only the most infinitesimal sliver of hope right now but it�s there. I�ve received messages that speak volumes to me during prayer and and random moments. The loudest came during a 3 day jealousy infused selfish rage culminating at midnight on New Year�s (That was MY kiss, not hers) and rage sometimes feel insignificant to express the depth of that emotion. He came to visit our son New Year�s Eve and then needed to pick up tools on New Year�s Day. Even though I was in this rage, I was guided to still be his wife and his helping hand, like I always was when his physical limitations hindered him. It was repeated the last 2 days when he showed up again for time with his son while school is on break. Last night I wondered again if showing him I�m still willing to assist in this way means that either it�s a way back into his heart or if his affair partner is not performing the same simple acts of love and support, or both. I don�t know.

Hello mystic angel, welcome to Marriage Builders. Did you want to know what Marriage Builders would advise you to do?

Yes, please, MelodyLane.
I've been reading the instructions and advice on the main site. I can't afford the books quite yet, even used on Amazon, and they won't arrive for up to 1.5 weeks.

I feel stupidly desperate to get my husband back. I'm lost right now. As I said, I do not want to lose hope.

We can help you do everything in your power to save your marriage, but we are not a marriage at all cost site. That is a dangerous and destructive approach to marriage. We don't think you should accept your husband back unless he makes radical changes in his approach to being a husband. If you accept him back on any basis now, he will continue to have affairs because he will have no reason to stop.

What you have been doing is enabling him and it is very hard to save a marriage when you enable a cheater. We have a much better plan to save your marriage.

We will advise you to put aside your emotions and follow a plan. If you can do that, you will have the best chance.

First off, we would tell you to go into Plan B, a completely dark separation. The reasons are two-fold.

1) by making yourself available while he carries on his affair, you make yourself very unattractive to him. This is a turn off to men and makes it LESS LIKELY he will ever want to come back.

2) you endanger your mental health by hanging around while he is having an affair which makes you even less attractive. Women have nervous breakdowns from these types of situations and develop psychosomatic illnesses that they don't get over.

It is for this reason that Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist with 50 years experience in infidelity, recommends only 3-4 weeks of Plan A for a woman and then cutting off all contact by going into Plan B. [Plan A is being as attractive as possible and offering to meet his needs if he ends his affair, which is essentially what you have been doing]


So your best chance is to go into Plan B, ending all contact with him, by sending him a love letter telling him you will not have contact with him until he ends his affair and meets your conditions for recovery. In the letter you offer him a PATH BACK to the marriage. If he agrees to those conditions, you have a chance at a great marriage. If not, you are better off without him.

Once you send the letter, you would change the locks and all NECESSARY contact would need to be facilitated through an intermediary. I would also suggest you hire a lawyer and file for divorce - NOT necessarily to get divorced - but to get legal protections in place.

Women who are desperate are very unattractive to men. By having that attitude, you make yourself look LESS attractive and you give him no motivation to change. By ending contact and placing conditions on him, you make yourself MORE attractive and motivate him to make the necessary changes to get you back. Your approach of enabling does not work and only serves to further harm your mental health.

Is this his first affair?

I'm trying hard to focus on myself and our son. We're now both in counseling, I'm reading books of recovering from abandonment, broken relationships, and affairs. I call this an affair even though WH does not because I never knew he gave up first and we were legally married when it started, plus he hid it from me "for our son's sake".

I've have been trying the "180 plan" and a limited contact plan that only includes contact regarding our son and finances. I haven't initiated communication in over 3 weeks on any topic except our son.

As I stated in the 1st post, he comes here to visit our son. It's easier and free. While I haven't changed the locks, he gave us the keys already.
It's those visits that kill me because he does find reasons to talk to me, even if it's only to ask if he can take some of his possessions. On Weds, he came over and I tried to stay away from him by remaining in the bedroom for hours. When he came in to get something, I told him I was trying to allow the 2 of them quality alone time. On Thurs, the 3 of us needed to go to Verizon together (upgraded my phone so our son could have my old one). He talked the whole time in the truck, more than he as in a long time.

I cannot afford to file for a divorce on my own let alone hire a lawyer when the minimum retainer is $1500 around here. I can't even afford used copies of Harley's books right now. I have roughly $20 to my name for now.

My problem is that as each day goes by, I lose a little hope. I know that most affairs fizzle out eventually. I've read enough on here, in other forums, and books to see that. This isn't a typical affair. He's living with OW over 45 minutes away.

I don't want to give up on us or our marriage. What happened prior to his affair lies the clues to helping him and us. The affair allowed him the way out after he gave up.
I'm lost as to how to address the primary issues that pushed him away, especially without him here.
I'm even lost on these boards. I don't know where to post things or which is the bigger issue to face right now.

Did you read my posts about going into Plan B? Staying in touch with him and allowing him the house GREATLY hurts your chances. There is nothing we can do to help you if you won't stop doing that.

Also, you can find an attorney who may take your case on the basis that your husband pays the fees. A married man cannot just abandon his family and stop paying bills.


This is a typical, garden variety affair. Believe me, I have been doing this for 17 years and this is the norm. But, we cannot you if you refuse to follow a plan. I agree with you that there is little hope in your current path.

Dr Harley calls this "Plan C," which is the most likely to result in divorce. It is a good plan if you are ready to get divorced because it is the worst possible plan.

Have you exposed this affair, as Dr Harley advises?

What do you know about this other woman? Do you know her name? (Don't write it here.) Do you know her connection to your husband - for example, whether they work together, or whether she is an old girlfriend? Is she married? Does she have kids?

Have you told your son about his fathers affair?

Every knows except our son. He has proudly flaunted his OW to his family as his new girlfriend. There's no one else to tell and I don't want DS to know, yet. His counselor agrees because he's not adjusting well as it is.

I don't know much about her. She certainly knows too much about me already. I know her name. The 2 of them grew up in the same neighborhood as kids until he was around 6, they went to the same school. She's a year younger than WH. Her husband died in Feb. She has at least 3 kids, all near or over 18. She has a full-time job that WH currently drives her to every day. She's ex-military.
That's all I know right now, as far as facts.

She is proving to be an annoying, jealous, desperate OW. When WH comes over to be with DS, she has to text or call, even when she's supposed to be at work. On Christmas, I lost count after 20 texts and 3 calls. Thurs, there were at least 3 texts.

One of my boundaries is that he does not mention her name or their relationship unless I bring it up first. I cannot hear her name without triggering, even out of context.

Where do I find the details of plan B? Or is simply no contact, period?

He is not adjusting well because he has not been told the truth. This is another example of enabling your husband by lying for him. That is not fair to your son to cover up for your reckless husband. He must be horribly confused. It is not in his best interest to lie to him about the source of your break up. It just confuses him and makes him believe that marriage is cheap and easily disposable. I would challenge this "counselor" who is giving this bad advice with the advice of Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist:

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here




A true boundary would to shut off contact. Enabling him to come home and pretend like all is well, reaping all the benefits of family only serves to enable him at the expense of you and your son.

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

How to Plan B CORRECTLY

Thank you

Does "everyone know" that this is an affair? That he left you for his affair partner, and that she is not a "new girlfriend" that came after the marriage broke down?

Who have you personally told that this is an affair? Did you personally tell his parents that it is so?

I told my friends and family. His father recently moved from one state to another with a new number. I don't have it. It's a cell. His sister blocked me after he moved out. His brother is AWOL from everyone. He doesn't have an employer, he's on disability. Unless I post to his FB, there's no one I can tell.

What about the OW? Have you told her family she is shacking up like a hoe with a married man who has abandoned his family?

No. I haven�t. I blocked her on FB today. I got tired of tormenting myself and exposing myself to her. She�s already proven jealous and insecure by texting WH whenever he�s with his son. I don�t want her nose anymore in my business. WH told her enough already.

Have you collected information on the OW�s side so you can expose to them? If she has Facebook you should be able to find her contacts.

I have her address.
I�ve seen her friends list. She plays FB games so the number is over 500. I can only point out a few relatives of hers based on her name. One sister and in-laws.
I�m not sure about anyone else.

You should expose the affair to all her family and friends. Please go read the link in my signature and come back and we can help you with feedback.

Is there a forum, section, or thread for finding a Plan B mediator?

I have no neutral friends willing to take this on. They either don�t want to or tell me to let go. I�m losing the last minuscule sliver of any hope remaining. I cannot afford $200/ hour on a lawyer. I don�t know where else to turn right now. I don�t trust myself with a fake email address that I consider to be the last resort.


It doesn�t help that my DS11 tattled on me tonight. I got WH�s change of address packet in the mail and even though I was expecting it, I shattered again. I cursed, collapsed, screamed, and cried. Apparently still cursing.

DS sent WH �mommy got ur mail and is on the floor crying� then said �she called you a [censored]�. Lovely.
I had texted him the same time as DS, WH read DS�s first.
I reminded him we agreed to discuss something last night after his visit with DS. I was still working on the details of Plan B while trying to remain NC yesterday but he & DS came barging into the bedroom I was hiding in. I tried not to interact on any topics not related to DS. WH kept engaging me in his search for more of his junk and other small talk. Not even books deter this man from talking.
When I asked if we could get together this week to discuss it, he texted �No�. The remaining conversation went like this:
Me: Okay. Thank you for even considering it.
Him: I�m a [censored].
Me: Yes and so much more right now. DS does NOT need to see me shattered. He saw me collapse because of it. I got your change of address notification. I broke completely. I never should have been forced into a situation like this. Death is acceptable. This is not.
Him: I�m sorry but I refuse to leave my son permanently. (came as I was typing)
Me: Tonight I broke and lost total control of everything I felt and said. Every [censored] word I usually keep for my journal. He heard everything I called you.
Him: I�m done with you. If you can�t talk to me only about DS then don�t talk to me at all. I have been trying to be nice to you thinking it was best for DS. I guess that was wrong of me. (Also came through as I was typing)
Me: I would never ask or force you to leave DS. [censored] you if you thought that.
Me: You win. I quit.

The topic of discussion I wanted last night was about DS. It�s too late for that now.

Yep, I screwed up big time tonight. I don�t want to place blame on DS but if he hadn�t texted WH... meh, not worth thinking about tonight. It�s 1 am here and I�m off topic.

If WH wants to go limited contact, I think it�s time to go full Plan B NC.
Plan of attack for next Sunday, if I cannot find a Plan B mediator in time is me locking the bedroom door to keep him from taking anything and going to the library until he leaves. Even if WH takes DS somewhere, I�ll go to the library anyway to avoid overlapping time at the house. It�s the best I�ve got right now.

Isn�t 6 weeks too far out for this level of exposure? Tomorrow Jan 10 is 6 weeks.
I feel like the damage is done and I will look like the crazy stupid one. He moved out under the pretense that he gave up on our marriage. I don�t know who all heard that from him.
Not to mention the risks that it might provide cannon fodder in divorce proceedings for custody of our DS.
I�m terrified of that.


I know what he did was still considered an affair. The lying, hiding, secrets, etc.
Where do I find proof this works for situations similar to mine?
I�m crying. I�m shaking. I�m scared.

6 weeks is not too far out, exposure is your essential first step. If you do not expose, your personal recovery will be affected. The only downside to exposure is the time before you expose, you will be scared.

Find her FB friends with the same last name, easy to find her family. Grandparents if you can find them are great exposure targets.

Wherre did they meet? Is their contact related to her job? Then you need to expose to her workplace as well.

Post again when you gathered contact info of exposure targets.

Hi MysticAngel,

Exposure is scary - but it also provides you with a wonderful active way of intervening to fight against the affair that will give you back some control of your life that the affair and its consequences have robbed from you. Exposure is pretty much the only thing a BS can do to damage the fantasy of the affair, by showing the world (or at least the people who know you, your WH and OW) the sordid nasty truth about what these two amoral selfish people have done to you and your family. It is also an essential step towards recovery because it shows your WH that you will not accept infidelity in marriage, and what the consequences of his behaviour are.

If you use the text of the exposure letters on this site, and avoid any language that can be interpreted as vindictive or nastiness, then you can feel confident that you will not prejudice any court proceedings. You are not punishing your WS or trying to hurt him. Exposure is about telling the world you are standing up for your marriage and that you want your husband to come back to his family. It is not something that will make you look bad. It will make him and OW look bad - because that is what they are!

This misses the point, he is a MARRIED MAN. Moving out does not mean = not married. He is a married man who moved out to shack up with a HOE. You need to expose this fact to her family. Let them know that this is a married man who abandoned his wife and child for an affair.



Telling the truth about an affair is not cannon fodder. You have all the leverage here because he is a married man who abandoned his wife and child for an affair.



Do you have PROOF that your tactic of enabling works? How come its not working so far?

You aren't getting any "proof" this works because there is only a 50% chance your marriage can be saved at this point, if you follow these steps. If you don't, then I guarantee you that your marriage is over. You are guaranteed to lose your marriage if you continue on this path of enabling because your husband has absolutely NO REASON to end his affair.

This is not Plan B. He should never be allowed in that house again. He should be given a strict visitation schedule where he picks the child up from the drive way and you never see or speak to him.


Will one of your friends agree to just be a spam filter who passes on pertinent information to you? they are not a mediator but an intermediary, a spam filter. If you set up a strict visitation schedule, there will be very little cause for communication.

What do you mean by a fake email address?


I would get this wrapped up TODAY before he takes you down completely. You are harming your son by dragging this out. Do you want to lose your son to your H and the OW when you have a nervous breakdown? That is where you are headed, my friend.

Quoting of text messages (or email for that matter) allows a Google search to find you and your thread on this forum.

At this point you want to make sure your WH does not know your strategy. The mods will remove the text conversation that you exchanged if you think this is a risk for you.

MA, my brother had an affair several years ago and his wife had a nervous breakdown and was admitted to the mental hospital. Their son went to live with my brother and his OW. That is where you are headed if you don't shut off contact with him and go into a DARK Plan B immediately! You will lose your son if you lose your mental health!

You need to go into Plan B TODAY. Change those locks, send a letter and commit to complete darkness.

If you do this, in a few short weeks you will feel 1000% better than you have in a long time.

The �fake� email I mentioned is one I would create if I cannot find an IM anywhere. I know it�s stupid to think I can handle it on my own but I�m running out of people to ask.

I would target the friends who are telling you to 'let go' because they are dead right. They clearly want to help and disapprove of your plan c where WH is in your home?!!! And where is is his decisions guiding your plans.


"If WH wants to go limited contact, I think it�s time to go full Plan B NC. "

No. Your friends are right. It's way overdue for YOU because you do need to let go.

Explain to them you want to go email contact only and just need someone to filter out any drama or digs so you can focus on parenting and healing. Plan b is not a love potion or ploy.

Hopefully an MBer who is free to take you on as an IM will chime in, but you can certainly scale down the drama more or less immediately.

Change your phone number, alert him that discussion will be email and visitation changes only, don't admit him to the property. These are things that will encourage your friends to see yhat there is a PLAN not a mess to 'mediate'

What would be fake about it?

I would not do that because it completely defeats the purpose of Plan B. Surely you have one friend/relative who would agree to act as a SPAM FILTER in order to protect you?

It would be me monitoring it.


I think I found someone to IM for me. I know I can trust her.

I can�t change my number. I can�t afford a phone on my own. I have no income yet.
I�m looking and applying for a job of some kind but no luck yet. I�ve been a SAHM 23 years and full time student the past 3. I graduate in May.

MA, do you have a family member who can help you change the locks? You can go to Home Depot and get door locks relatively cheap.

Super!

Mystic, this is extremely dangerous. Even if a B.S. is still functioning and strong she risks mental health issues by not taking these steps within three weeks of D day. You've already tried to kill yourself. You cant afford not to.

Can you get yourself a cheap burner phone for now? A SIM card with pay as you go to insert into your phone should not cost more than an average grocery item and only people with the number can reach you. You can replace the old aim very briefly if you need to make a call you can't afford to pay for.

Another option if you can't afford a locksmith is installing deadbolts.

If you are being financially controlled to the extent you can't fit out your own home or buy a phone you might call a domestic violence hotline for your area. They have lots of experience helping completely penniless women change their contact details. Financial control is recognised by them as abuse.

If you're studying I would also reach out to the support on campus. They are often excellent.

She should be able to block him on that phone for now once she goes into Plan B. The locks are not expensive at all at Home Depot.

Did you ever properly expose this affair (I know you were advised to do a full exposure, including to OW's side)?

Also, you mention being a long term SAHM yet seem to be without an income. Is your WH still paying the bills? Just because he moved out does not mean he can simply stop paying bills or helping to support you and your son. Is he still doing that?

I have no income. I�m in online school. The phone is on WH�s account for now, he owes on its balance, charged to his account.
There are local options I�m looking into but with the recent sub-zero temps, the charities are low on funds and resources for now.
I will be receiving dependent SSDI sometime this month, I just don�t know when yet. It�s the 1st payment. I�ll be slightly better but it will barely cover the bills.

He gave my mother the keys. I�m looking at automatic garage door locks today. I�ll need a weather proof padlock too.

I�m composing my NC letter now. I have an email specifically written to his dad that I need to finish. I�m not sure what to say to his sister. I know I need to tread carefully on FB with WH�s & OW� friends & family. Facts only, no slander. I tried composing a blanket message but anger entered. And so did anxiety because I still trigger when I see or hear her name. I�ll have to type it out. Ick.

I have an IM willing to help me.

Good girl!!!


WE call this a no contact letter. Do you have the template? Please post your letter before you deliver it so we can give you feedback. I would also attach a visitation schedule that works for you and your son. In your Plan B letter, you will need to specify that he is not to come in the house nor can he expose your son to his affair.

BEFORE you go into plan B be sure and have your intermediary set up. You will need to also anticipate any ways he might try to get you to break Plan B, such as calling or coming to the house.

Before you go dark into Plan B, tell your son all about the affair and explain Plan B to him. Tell him that you don't want him to pass on any messages from his father.


What kind of letter? Is this an exposure letter?


Go to the exposure 101 link in my signature and use the templates there. You should send them all private messages on FB..


Perfect! You will want to tell him in the letter that any PERTINENT information needs go through your IM. The IM needs to screen out anything that is not absolutely necessary. There should be almost no need for any communication if you stick to a strict visitation schedule.

Here is the template:

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

That's going to basically drag out his pain and suffering and agony and make it harder for him to ever adjust. How can he even start adjusting when he doesn't know this horrible truth exists that he's going to have to adjust to?

I have 8 children and you can bet that if I took up with another woman they would be the first people my wife would tell.

No. Do you have a book or something telling you that?

I suggest you listen to the people here like MelodyLane who have been working with marriages in situations just like yours for over ten years. She knows what she is talking about. Do you see on this screen where it says she joined this site in April of 2001 and she has posted over ninety thousand times?

You can get through this intact and possibly save your marriage if you'll listen and follow the advice.

If you don't I would suggest you give up because you are not going to have any chance at all.

I have the template, I had to modify it. 1- He�s already moved out. 2- It�s too sappy, even for me. It will be the perfect b-day present for OW to laugh over when he shares it with her.

The letter to FIL is an exposure letter containing my side of it, and what truths I know. I also side-swipe WH in it by stating I will never block FIL from seeing DS. I included DS�s # so they can talk directly. I did this because when DD23�s father left, he told his family I was the reason they couldn�t see her. I�m not letting lies destroy any possible connections there.

One the NC letter is done, I�ll post it then work on the visitation and limitations. DS will not have any contact with OW or her family for a minimum of 90 days after a divorce is final. I have that in writing.
I think I�ll start with the state approved minimum visitation schedule and work from there.


Vent- my apologies. My mother already thinks it�s time for me to move on. She�s sick of him and thinks this NC plan is stupid because it involves a 3rd person unnecessarily. I should stand up to him instead. She doesn�t understand I can stand up to him while I�m still on my knees.

Gotcha, please post it before you send it so we can give you feedback.


That sounds good. I would also suggest you tell him the REAL TRUTH, not your side. There is only one side to the truth. Be short and succinct and tell him about your H's affair and how it led to this terrible place. I wouldn't add anything else other than your suggestion that his family can see your son. If it is too long and rambling it will lose its meaning.


Perfect!


I would start with what is best for you and your son. Because whatever schedule you put into place will set the precedent. Keep in mind that your H is a BAD INFLUENCE, so the less time with his dad the better.


ummm, you are closing the door. "Standing up to him" will only tear you down as you wisely said! Surely your mother understands its a good idea to end contact with him?

This all sounds wonderful and you are getting great advice!


I so agree, it is time to start taking care of yourself.


This is victim blaming. No one tells people to stand up to their rapists. I can't think of anything more necessary than making sure he can't make idle chit chat with you whenever the spirit moves him to rub his lack of remorse in your face. If you were to stand up to him, it would just cause a very distressing conflict for your son.

I would just tell her you have better things to do, like paint your toenails.

This attitude is super common though at the start. I was met with plenty of raised eyebrows that I couldn't 'just be civil'. Six months on and everyone was praising my wisdom to the skies, because they were able to dismiss his annoying antics without having to worry how they would affect me.

I don�t think to this level. I think she thinks I�m being immature, maybe. But in the same conversation, she wants to limit WH�s time with DS.

You are making the right decision, so hang in there and keep moving forward!

I just realized that this NC letter is worded towards what some sites call the Affair Fogged Brain of the WS. Blech!!! See for yourself...

To my dear husband, my (pet name),

As I�ve written before these past 6 weeks, I sincerely apologize for my part in the destruction of our priceless marriage. I am honestly so very sorry for allowing my personal stresses to overwhelm me to the point of neglecting my wifely duties and responsibilities to my treasured husband. I failed to communicate with you on vital topics and failed to recognize the signs that you desperately needed me on a deeper physical level than I had been offering. I am truly sorry that I was not there for you when you needed me the most and now we�re both suffering from my mistakes.

I have also mentioned my willingness to improve myself to be more present in our marriage, more attentive to you and your needs, and to find ways to reconnect with you on all personal levels. I want to help myself learn to recognize and avoid repeating the same mistakes and to prevent new issues from arising. I am willing to create a fresh new life for the both of us that will meet your needs.

However, this has been the single most devastatingly painful experience of my life. I cannot offer these blessed improvements to you in the current situation we are in until your relationship with your affair partner ends completely. I cannot live like this anymore. It is far too painful for me. Until your affair ends and you are willing to come back home, to work on a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you and communicate with you personally and/or directly.

(Friend) has agreed to help me with this as our go-between. If you want to communicate with me about any of the necessary topics, you will go through her via email.

I ask that you please respect this choice I�ve made. You must realize that I am still suffering and struggling over our current situation caused by your continued relationship with your affair partner. I can no longer be around you or talk to you knowing you are still living with her. I love you with all my heart but I cannot interact with you while we are living in these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship with her and rejoin me in a plan to rebuild our marriage, I will be willing to discuss our future together with you.

I do hope that someday we will be able to build something amazing out of our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other�s emotional, mental, and physical needs like we once did before. I want us to be able to avoid doing anything to hurt each other again. We can build a new life together in which everything we do will bring joy and satisfaction to each other.

I have loved you and cared for you practically from the moment we met and I still love and care for you today. But, I cannot be around you or talk to you as long as you continue your relationship with her.

Love, Forever & Always.
MysticAngel

Merging threads.

I saw that you were advised to expose to OW�s side but I didn�t see any plan for that. Are you planning on exposing to OW�s side? Who is on your exposure list?

I�m going to compose a blanket message to hopefully cover both WH & OW �s friends lists so I don�t have to rewrite it.
She has at least 1 sibling, 2 daughters, 1 son, a MIL. I don�t know the relationships of some of the others. They could be cousins. I thought I might surf his sister�s friends list for his nieces, nephews, and other cousins not on his list.
I�ve written it 4 times now but keep getting petty. Good thing tomorrow�s trash night.

Blanket FB message:

It grieves me to write this but I believe you should be aware that OW�s new live-in boyfriend, WH, is my husband of 14 years. They began their affair while he was still living with me, as my husband, for 4 months before he ran out to be with her. Their affair has been difficult on me but our 11 year old son is devastated by Daddy not living here anymore.

A good start. Add: "I am asking that you use your influence to persuade Skanky to end her affair with my husband. Thank you, Mrs XXXXx

Your Plan B letter is great! My only suggeston would be to remove the word "relationship" and replace with affair.

I figured if I was talking to Mr Foggy-Britches, the word �relationship� would mean more because that�s how he sees it.

If I have to lay claim to blame in here without placing it where it should be, then I know that�s exactly who I�m talking to. You know, the same pr*ck who got offended by be calling him that when he�s the one who�s lying, cheating, and being a pr*ck. The same one who probably has been calling me a b*tch for the past 5 months to his wh*re. Foggy WS do not like the truth, especially when it hurts.

Anyway... I�m glad the rest of the letter is good. It was difficult to write. I sound like a desperate crazy lady. Ugh!

Going through her friends list... The Wh*re had over 800 friends to choose from and she picked a married man. His profile still says married and so does hers even though she�s widowed.

Blech... today is her birthday.

mysticangel, I would FIRST go into a dark Plan B and then expose the affair. This way you don't have to deal with the fall out from your husband. He will probably be mad but if you are in Plan B, you won't know because you will have shut all avenues of contact!

A couple of housekeeping items:

1. did you put your IM's email address in the Plan B letter? The best way to communicate is via email because you will have it on record

2. Did you prepare a visitation schedule and make it clear your son is to be picked up from the drive way?

3. What is your plan for delivering the letter? You should not see him when you do this.

4. Does your IM understand that she should only pass on PERTINENT information about finances, visitation to you in her own words? He will send her rants and raves [and may even refuse to communicate through her at first] and she can't ever send those to you.

5. Did you tell your son about the affair? About your Plan B?

That was my plan. I don�t need fallout but I know I�ll get it anyway. I imagine he will try calling, texting, and threatening to turn off my phone, among other things. I don�t think he�ll honor the Plan B letter when SHTF with exposure. My gut says this will be a nightmare and to expect divorce papers as soon as he can legally file. He has to wait 48 days, unless he lies. I�m crying today. 6 weeks today and I�m holding on to the frayed end of the last thread of hope I can.


1- Yes, it is on the handwritten letter.

2- That is the project for today. I printed the state minimum and will work from there.

3- Ugh... so far all I have is sending DS out with the envelope and a note to take DS to McDonalds with the play area or the library. IM is busy this weekend and WH already promised DS he�d be back. I don�t know what day, yet. I can�t think of any other options. My DD might be able to take it out for me.

4- Not yet on either. I�m finalizing all the details. I will sit him down Friday at the latest.

This is the whole purpose of Plan B, mystic. It's going to revolutionize your life.

You are doing much more than that. Instead of reacting to the things he does, you are taking control.

Ok, so you need to anticipate any possible way he will try to contact you and shut that down when you go into Plan B. If you block him on your phone you won't be able to get calls or texts, I don't think. What other ways would he try to get through?

That would be a good thing if he files for divorce, because that way HE can pay for the judge who will hand him his [censored] for abandoning his family with no financial resources. You will be given court ordered financial support from him and that is a good thing.

I want to assure you that while this is so distressing right now, you will feel 1000% better in a few weeks! Just keep walking forward, my dear friend! I promise it will get better.


I would get your letter and the visitation schedule ready and find a way to get this to him today. Do you have someone who can take this to him?

I tried to give up this week. I tried to hate him even. Lord knows he�s done enough to earn it. There�s a part of me that wants to let go, move on, get this over with but the bigger part still fights for our 17 years together and nearly 15 years married.

I�m reading the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson on how to rebuild myself after this devastating experience. It�s helping with understanding the process and stages of grief, how their different between death and abandonment. It�s a great read.... except that I see WH on almost every page. I see his lasting effects from his past abandonments. He needs this book too. I need to finish it for me but it hurts because I�m feeling sympathy for him.

I was reminded 3 times last Wednesday that I�m still in love with him. Butterflies when I saw him get out of the truck. His patience with his son; he was willing to let DS sleep a little longer. When I finally got DS up, WH had fallen asleep in the chair about an hour later. I felt hopeless at the time, but I covered WH with a blanket before I went back to the bedroom to give them peace. WH doesn�t sleep well and cat-naps. An hour later they were building wooden race cars from Lowe�s.

I feel stupidly hopeless and madly in love with a cheater. On Christmas, New Year�s, and last Thursday he mentioned the need for a mitten for his useless hand. No stores carry adult mittens in the area. He brought it up again Sunday while he was here because the temps were horrible. Stupid me made him one out of discarded material, by hand, no sewing machine. I spent 5 hours on it. Knowing my luck, he found a pair online, or since he said on Monday he was �trying to be nice� he�ll never use it, or more likely than the previous 2 predictions, the jealous wh*re will throw it away. At least she did in the dream I had last night.

UGH!!!! I hate this whole mess, every moment of it. I can�t seem to pull myself together, not even for DS�s sake right now. To some 6 weeks is too long to be suffering and feel I�ve been holding on to nothing. I have a counselor, I have meds, but I still feel so shattered.

I know, Plan B is for me, not my marriage, but I want my husband back.

Unless I email him or snail mail it to him. I have no way to get it to him until this weekend..

Here is a quote that has helped me immensely when I am going through hell:

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

I would stop romanticizing and fantasizing about your husband. Stop yourself from thinking it and stop writing it. Doing so does not help you one bit. You need to start REALITY TESTING your delusional thoughts.

The truth is that your husband is a cruel adulterer who has abandoned his family for his own selfish purposes. He is a horrible father who has done the worst possible thing for his son, left him to pursue his affair. He put his filthy affair above the best interest of his son.

You will come to see your husband in a more realistic light after you remove yourself from this situation.

Email would work *IF* you can then shut down that email account so he can't respond. Can you do that?

He abandoned his son for a HOE. He won't get a Father of the Year Award for that.

Hi MysticAngel, it is so hard to keep your head above water when you are in the midst of all the emotion. But you are doing great. If you focus on doing the action steps MelodyLane has given you, and try not to focus so much on how you are feeling as you go along, you will find that your feelings change when you have implemented plan B.

Feelings are reactions to external circumstances. They are symptoms. If you act to change the circumstances, your feelings will change - without you having to do anything specific to address them. I struggled to implement plan B initially, but once I had totally cut contact with my WH I was amazed at how calm and happy I became within a couple of weeks. When you remove the thing that is causing your trauma - your WH - it is amazing how quickly the world suddenly looks brighter. You will gain a whole new perspective on the situation and that will help you to make logical, sensible decisions that make life better for you and your son, regardless of what your WH chooses to do.

Get your Plan B going - you are going to feel so much better.

You literally can't control your feelings.

But you can control your circumstances - and your circumstances cause your feelings.

Get yourself into Plan B circumstances, and your feelings will stabilize.

Plan B is the best chance your marriage has, and the last chance your husband has to rise to the occasion and be the man you need.

It's also the only chance you'll have to feel good enough to go through marital recovery if your husband wakes up. If you don't Plan B, then by the time he wakes up you'll hate him and your marriage will never recover.

Plan B puts you on two parallel tracks of recovery - one where you recover alone, one where you recover your marriage. Avoiding Plan B or doing it wrong takes you off of the path to either of these recoveries.

To those who have used Plan B SUCCESSFULLY to rebuild their marriage:

Plan B clearly states no contact about anything except limited topics and those go through a 3rd party who filters out all unapproved topics.

How in hell is a WS supposed to say anything about wanting to come back?
There is no clause in either the Plan B letter or the IM instructions.

My WH is the type of person who will take someone else�s word at final value. In Plan B case, no contact means no contact, permanently, unless I make the first move. That�s not my move to make. That�s not my choice. He has to make that decision.

The point of Plan B is to protect your mental health. It does not rebuild your marriage but removes you from a dangerous situation so a) your remaining love is protected and b) your mental health is not destroyed. NOT going into Plan B makes it more likely you will end up divorced.


He can demonstrate to the IM that he is willing to meet the conditions in your Plan B letter.


Yes, he should take the plan b letter seriously in that unless he meets your conditions he gets no access to you. If he won't meet your conditions, then he is a dangerous person who should be avoided.

Mysticangel, keep in mind that your Plan B letter gives all the instructions about how he gets access to you, he meets your conditions! Your IM should get a copy of this letter so she knows that when he ends his affair and commits to a program of recovery that she can relay that information to you.

It would not be possible to get through affair recovery unless a WH is hat in hand and so shocked at his adultery that he is driven and proactive. A BW can only make a 'first move' towards a false recovery. So the 'first move' to true recovery is not your problem! Nor are the second, third or fourth. This is not your mess to clean up.




There's no hatred or 'giving up' in plan b. It's extremely respectful to the 15 years you've spent together. You're making it possible for all that time to be protected in your memory and heart and kept separate from his affair behaviour. To maintain your high standards.

It's hard to imagine now but it's not a choice between mentally throwing him to the wolves and eating your heart out. Plan B puts your love to sleep, so that if he ever does come home, you can awaken it. But you would be perfectly comfortable and happy either way.

The IM filters out everything except coordinating about the children, and a message from the WS that says "I have ended all contact with my affair partner for life and am willing to meet all the conditions you said for us to recover our marriage - with no exceptions."

mysticangel, something you need to really work on and accept: If your husband came in tomorrow and said "I want to come back," with no questions asked you would doomed to failure. If he came back without committing to making radical changes you would be doomed to a life of more affairs. That would be a disaster.

So unless he makes radical changes in his approach to being a husband, you need to stay away from him. i want to make sure you fully understand this because just getting him back won't be sufficient unless you want to damn yourself to a life of hell.

Really listen to this. I've never seen a blank cheque of forgiveness given to a WS end well. Thats in the short time ive been here. Imagine how many more greek tragedies Melody Lane has sat through.

Has your husband had any other affairs?

Who are you working with since your suicide attempt? Do you have a social worker? Would you mind emailing me at **EDIT**