I�m afraid to ask for advice because I�m afraid to lose whatever I have left of my hope.
I pray day and night for the restoration of my husband and our marriage. We�ve been together 17 years, married over 14, have an 11 year old son together. It hasn�t been perfect or easy but it has been worth it.
I apologize now for the length and possible rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

According to him... He was on a roller coaster depression with suicidal thoughts. The last weekend of July, he decided he was leaving me one way or the other. He contemplated overdosing on his pain & sleeping pills. Our son & I were away with my aunts. He did not reveal any of his problems while he was suffering. He was a wonderful husband and father the whole time.
The same weekend, he logs onto social media and is PM�d by a lonely recent widow going through problems in her life. They talk, he supports her. They start an Emotional Affair. Somewhere along the way, it becomes a Physical Affair. And then it turned into what people call an Exit Affair.

Sometime in early Nov, I started listening to my gut and seeing the signs of his affair. I started pulling out of my own depression (that he knew about) and focusing on him and our marriage more. He pulled further away. Nov 21 was a night I listened to my gut feelings that screamed �he�s gone� and repeated all the reasons suicide was the right choice. It wasn�t only him. I must stress that now. I had years of heartache, depression, and disappointment in myself that exiting life was right. I tried to kill myself. I don�t regret it because I got the help I needed. I was in a psychiatric facility for a week.

The day I came home was the worst day of my life. When I got home, my husband was still in bed, awake. I curled up with my head on his shoulder and tried to enjoy his presence, remembering that he was the man I loved and wanted to spend my life with. After a few minutes, he rolled over to check his phone and play a game. Somewhere in my mind I realized his phone was unlocked and I could check it. I grabbed it. I hadn�t seen him so upset and disappointed with anything as he was in that moment. He made threats to turn off my phone. I yelled that �You�re my husband and you�re hiding things from me�. He said �Yes. I�m leaving you.� I was in disbelief and shock. He started following through with canceling my phone on his tablet. I looked at his text messages for only a few seconds but that was all I needed to see her name and something about �when you get to the house...� I threw his phone. I asked when he was going to leave. He said i guess now, since you�re home. It technically only took him about 3 hours to pack essentials and walk out the door.
I went back into the psych ward for another week.

As cruel as that day was, he has been fully respectful to me since. We talked a few times about why. He accepted my boundaries for the protection of my emotions. He is extremely careful about following them without fail. He�s been paying our bills like usual. He set up automatic funds transfers that start mid Jan. When he comes to see his son, he talks to me as if he still lives here, just not about us, unless I bring us up. He�s careful about not taking too much of his stuff at once and only with my permission. I know he�s just keeping the peace �for our son�s sake� right now .

I�m doing so much to keep my sanity and working on self-improvement. I realized in the hospital that my failed suicide meant that someone wanted me around still. I began praying again and listening in return. The more I learn about affairs, relationships, marriage, abandonment, healing myself without my husband around... the more I�m drawn to accepting him back and wanting him to come home. I see our positive moments and know they outweigh the negatives. I see that we have been through too much together to give up this easily.

Every ounce of advice I�ve received so far has been to let him go and don�t look back. No contact with him except for our son and finances. Ignore him when he�s there. Contact a lawyer and file for the divorce now. I�ve even been told that I have enough motivation to hate him and act like it around him.
The only helpful advice has been to focus on myself, my son, and our healing. I�m doing that.

I still love my husband and I still want him to come home, back to his son and back to me. I know I�m holding onto only the most infinitesimal sliver of hope right now but it�s there. I�ve received messages that speak volumes to me during prayer and and random moments. The loudest came during a 3 day jealousy infused selfish rage culminating at midnight on New Year�s (That was MY kiss, not hers) and rage sometimes feel insignificant to express the depth of that emotion. He came to visit our son New Year�s Eve and then needed to pick up tools on New Year�s Day. Even though I was in this rage, I was guided to still be his wife and his helping hand, like I always was when his physical limitations hindered him. It was repeated the last 2 days when he showed up again for time with his son while school is on break. Last night I wondered again if showing him I�m still willing to assist in this way means that either it�s a way back into his heart or if his affair partner is not performing the same simple acts of love and support, or both. I don�t know.

Hello mystic angel, welcome to Marriage Builders. Did you want to know what Marriage Builders would advise you to do?

Yes, please, MelodyLane.
I've been reading the instructions and advice on the main site. I can't afford the books quite yet, even used on Amazon, and they won't arrive for up to 1.5 weeks.

I feel stupidly desperate to get my husband back. I'm lost right now. As I said, I do not want to lose hope.

We can help you do everything in your power to save your marriage, but we are not a marriage at all cost site. That is a dangerous and destructive approach to marriage. We don't think you should accept your husband back unless he makes radical changes in his approach to being a husband. If you accept him back on any basis now, he will continue to have affairs because he will have no reason to stop.

What you have been doing is enabling him and it is very hard to save a marriage when you enable a cheater. We have a much better plan to save your marriage.

We will advise you to put aside your emotions and follow a plan. If you can do that, you will have the best chance.

First off, we would tell you to go into Plan B, a completely dark separation. The reasons are two-fold.

1) by making yourself available while he carries on his affair, you make yourself very unattractive to him. This is a turn off to men and makes it LESS LIKELY he will ever want to come back.

2) you endanger your mental health by hanging around while he is having an affair which makes you even less attractive. Women have nervous breakdowns from these types of situations and develop psychosomatic illnesses that they don't get over.

It is for this reason that Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist with 50 years experience in infidelity, recommends only 3-4 weeks of Plan A for a woman and then cutting off all contact by going into Plan B. [Plan A is being as attractive as possible and offering to meet his needs if he ends his affair, which is essentially what you have been doing]


So your best chance is to go into Plan B, ending all contact with him, by sending him a love letter telling him you will not have contact with him until he ends his affair and meets your conditions for recovery. In the letter you offer him a PATH BACK to the marriage. If he agrees to those conditions, you have a chance at a great marriage. If not, you are better off without him.

Once you send the letter, you would change the locks and all NECESSARY contact would need to be facilitated through an intermediary. I would also suggest you hire a lawyer and file for divorce - NOT necessarily to get divorced - but to get legal protections in place.

Women who are desperate are very unattractive to men. By having that attitude, you make yourself look LESS attractive and you give him no motivation to change. By ending contact and placing conditions on him, you make yourself MORE attractive and motivate him to make the necessary changes to get you back. Your approach of enabling does not work and only serves to further harm your mental health.

Is this his first affair?

I'm trying hard to focus on myself and our son. We're now both in counseling, I'm reading books of recovering from abandonment, broken relationships, and affairs. I call this an affair even though WH does not because I never knew he gave up first and we were legally married when it started, plus he hid it from me "for our son's sake".

I've have been trying the "180 plan" and a limited contact plan that only includes contact regarding our son and finances. I haven't initiated communication in over 3 weeks on any topic except our son.

As I stated in the 1st post, he comes here to visit our son. It's easier and free. While I haven't changed the locks, he gave us the keys already.
It's those visits that kill me because he does find reasons to talk to me, even if it's only to ask if he can take some of his possessions. On Weds, he came over and I tried to stay away from him by remaining in the bedroom for hours. When he came in to get something, I told him I was trying to allow the 2 of them quality alone time. On Thurs, the 3 of us needed to go to Verizon together (upgraded my phone so our son could have my old one). He talked the whole time in the truck, more than he as in a long time.

I cannot afford to file for a divorce on my own let alone hire a lawyer when the minimum retainer is $1500 around here. I can't even afford used copies of Harley's books right now. I have roughly $20 to my name for now.

My problem is that as each day goes by, I lose a little hope. I know that most affairs fizzle out eventually. I've read enough on here, in other forums, and books to see that. This isn't a typical affair. He's living with OW over 45 minutes away.

I don't want to give up on us or our marriage. What happened prior to his affair lies the clues to helping him and us. The affair allowed him the way out after he gave up.
I'm lost as to how to address the primary issues that pushed him away, especially without him here.
I'm even lost on these boards. I don't know where to post things or which is the bigger issue to face right now.

Did you read my posts about going into Plan B? Staying in touch with him and allowing him the house GREATLY hurts your chances. There is nothing we can do to help you if you won't stop doing that.

Also, you can find an attorney who may take your case on the basis that your husband pays the fees. A married man cannot just abandon his family and stop paying bills.


This is a typical, garden variety affair. Believe me, I have been doing this for 17 years and this is the norm. But, we cannot you if you refuse to follow a plan. I agree with you that there is little hope in your current path.

Dr Harley calls this "Plan C," which is the most likely to result in divorce. It is a good plan if you are ready to get divorced because it is the worst possible plan.

Have you exposed this affair, as Dr Harley advises?

What do you know about this other woman? Do you know her name? (Don't write it here.) Do you know her connection to your husband - for example, whether they work together, or whether she is an old girlfriend? Is she married? Does she have kids?

Have you told your son about his fathers affair?

Every knows except our son. He has proudly flaunted his OW to his family as his new girlfriend. There's no one else to tell and I don't want DS to know, yet. His counselor agrees because he's not adjusting well as it is.

I don't know much about her. She certainly knows too much about me already. I know her name. The 2 of them grew up in the same neighborhood as kids until he was around 6, they went to the same school. She's a year younger than WH. Her husband died in Feb. She has at least 3 kids, all near or over 18. She has a full-time job that WH currently drives her to every day. She's ex-military.
That's all I know right now, as far as facts.

She is proving to be an annoying, jealous, desperate OW. When WH comes over to be with DS, she has to text or call, even when she's supposed to be at work. On Christmas, I lost count after 20 texts and 3 calls. Thurs, there were at least 3 texts.

One of my boundaries is that he does not mention her name or their relationship unless I bring it up first. I cannot hear her name without triggering, even out of context.

Where do I find the details of plan B? Or is simply no contact, period?

He is not adjusting well because he has not been told the truth. This is another example of enabling your husband by lying for him. That is not fair to your son to cover up for your reckless husband. He must be horribly confused. It is not in his best interest to lie to him about the source of your break up. It just confuses him and makes him believe that marriage is cheap and easily disposable. I would challenge this "counselor" who is giving this bad advice with the advice of Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist:

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here




A true boundary would to shut off contact. Enabling him to come home and pretend like all is well, reaping all the benefits of family only serves to enable him at the expense of you and your son.

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

How to Plan B CORRECTLY

Thank you

Does "everyone know" that this is an affair? That he left you for his affair partner, and that she is not a "new girlfriend" that came after the marriage broke down?

Who have you personally told that this is an affair? Did you personally tell his parents that it is so?

I told my friends and family. His father recently moved from one state to another with a new number. I don't have it. It's a cell. His sister blocked me after he moved out. His brother is AWOL from everyone. He doesn't have an employer, he's on disability. Unless I post to his FB, there's no one I can tell.

What about the OW? Have you told her family she is shacking up like a hoe with a married man who has abandoned his family?

No. I haven�t. I blocked her on FB today. I got tired of tormenting myself and exposing myself to her. She�s already proven jealous and insecure by texting WH whenever he�s with his son. I don�t want her nose anymore in my business. WH told her enough already.

Have you collected information on the OW�s side so you can expose to them? If she has Facebook you should be able to find her contacts.

I have her address.
I�ve seen her friends list. She plays FB games so the number is over 500. I can only point out a few relatives of hers based on her name. One sister and in-laws.
I�m not sure about anyone else.