Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 11 12
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
we have two boys - almost 15, and almost 11.
They can surely be left alone while you have proper dates. You don't even need a babysitter.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
Sugarcane,
You are correct, the oldest can and does look after his brother.
My challenge is getting her out of the house on week nights.
Youngest has sports 2 nights a week, the oldest trains 5 afternoons a week, come spring he will probably have games 3 or more times each week. She won't accept taking this away from them.
Remember I am in a semi plan A while I collect evidence.
To get four 4 hour dates, would be Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
I honestly don't know how I can sell that.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
Sugarcane,
You are correct, the oldest can and does look after his brother.
My challenge is getting her out of the house on week nights.
Youngest has sports 2 nights a week, the oldest trains 5 afternoons a week, come spring he will probably have games 3 or more times each week. She won't accept taking this away from them.
Remember I am in a semi plan A while I collect evidence.
To get four 4 hour dates, would be Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
I honestly don't know how I can sell that.

That is where you need to start. I would sell her on the idea of creating a passionate marriage and the idea of going out on dates. It is in your children's best interest for their parents to have a happy passionate marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
MeldodyLane,
Thank you.
I think I screwed up.
She admitted tonight that she is just here going through the motions and doesn't beleive there is anything I can do to make this work. She told me that she is leaving no matter what.
I think I tipped my hand, and asked her if she would still leave if he didn't exist. I wanted her to imagine if I could make any positive contributions if he wasn't in the picture. She doubted it.
I asked her what would happen if his family knew. She told me she would leave right away, and I would loose a friend (her). I asked "since you are leaving anyway, what am I loosing?" She didn't take well to the analogy of the drug addict and the crack pipe - I guess the fog is there. So the boys and I are watching Dr. Who, and she is off clearing her head. I will check the GPS logs when she returns.
I imagine I am going to get a few comments to the effect that I might have shot myself in the crank - I fully expect them.
Thank you.


Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
I will read this, I am thinking your intention is for me to get her to read this as well?

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Allan,

As you can see from her response to you, she is in the full throes of an affair. So you must keep collecting intel and find proof. Can you hire a PI can keep track of her when you are working?

At this point your objective is to get the evidence, and then expose the affair following the Exposure 101 link posted with ML's signature.

If you don't expose the affair, it will continue to evolve further damaging your chances to recover the marriage.


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Why are you posting in MB101? Why haven't you asked for this to be moved to the SAA (Surviving an Affair) forum?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
I will read this, I am thinking your intention is for me to get her to read this as well?
I would not share anything from this site with your WW right now.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
Thank you, I get that, just not sure how I can.
A PI can't help if they are communicating by BB. I have no way to get any info from her BB as hacking it would be a federal offense (government property). And she won't give me access - technically cannot even if she was willing.

As for following her - at this time, I don't know when he would need to follow her - I can't pay someone to follow her 40 hours per week. I have accounted for all her time that I can (so outside of when she was actually at work). And have found possibly two hours that is not clear.


Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
Not sure of the protocol's if that is the proper place for this, then yes, it makes sense to move the thread. This thread started as a question to fix what I see as my screw up - not manning up sooner, not being aware, and not meeting her ENs, and devolved into whatever I have now.

She just returned, I will see if she will talk.
Thank you.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
Quick update,
She will stay so I don't ruin his family by exposing. I am pretty sure the exposure is still needed, But until I have proof to share, I hope to keep being loving, and provide a safe, warm inviting place. I know it will be tough as her responses tonight have amounted to "as you wish". She did agree to talk to someone from the MB side. But if I understand that isnt recommended.
Suggestions are welcome. Right now I am following what you write here, and looking to oĺder threads for ideas (LostWestCoast Emotional affair really speaks to me).
Thank you.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
Quick update,
She will stay so I don't ruin his family by exposing. I am pretty sure the exposure is still needed, But until I have proof to share, I hope to keep being loving, and provide a safe, warm inviting place. I know it will be tough as her responses tonight have amounted to "as you wish". She did agree to talk to someone from the MB side. But if I understand that isnt recommended.
Suggestions are welcome. Right now I am following what you write here, and looking to oĺder threads for ideas (LostWestCoast Emotional affair really speaks to me).
Thank you.

Allan, first off, you should not be threatening or talking about the affair, you should be getting EVIDENCE. The plan has not changed. Did you threaten to expose the affair?

Why would she say she "will stay so I don't ruin his family by exposing?"

Quote
She did agree to talk to someone from the MB side. But if I understand that isnt recommended.

That isn't recommended. What is recommended is that you QUIETLY get the evidence, and without warning, expose the affair.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
Right now I am following what you write here, and looking to oĺder threads for ideas (LostWestCoast Emotional affair really speaks to me).

I think its good that you read older threads, but we will give you the correct advice here. The advice is the same no matter where you read. [other than older threads before 2008-2010 where no one knew about Marriage Builders]


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
MeldodyLane,
Thank you.
I think I screwed up.
She admitted tonight that she is just here going through the motions and doesn't beleive there is anything I can do to make this work. She told me that she is leaving no matter what.
I think I tipped my hand, and asked her if she would still leave if he didn't exist. I wanted her to imagine if I could make any positive contributions if he wasn't in the picture. She doubted it.
I asked her what would happen if his family knew. She told me she would leave right away, and I would loose a friend (her). I asked "since you are leaving anyway, what am I loosing?" She didn't take well to the analogy of the drug addict and the crack pipe - I guess the fog is there. So the boys and I are watching Dr. Who, and she is off clearing her head. I will check the GPS logs when she returns.
I imagine I am going to get a few comments to the effect that I might have shot myself in the crank - I fully expect them.
Thank you.
MelodyLane, I mentioned, here that I might have gottn her thinking. She is generally soft but very protective of her friends.
I also expect you to tell me stepped in it.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
I think i understand. You asked how his family would feel if they knew and she threatened to leave if you told them? [which she was already going to do anyway] So does she believe you will be quiet now if she stays?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
She will stay so I don't ruin his family by exposing.

Did she admit she is having an affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
She will admit she thinks she loves him, and that there is an emotional connection. She claims she does not know if he loves her, but that one of her employees told her he sees it. She denies anything physical, and the therapist(I saw her today my wife saw her yesterday)told me that my WW claims nothing physical has happened. I am in the challenge of you can't prove a negative. I have accounted for almost all of her non-work time since mid-november. But understand I can't account for her time while she worked 3 days a week in December, and full time for 2 weeks in January.

Last edited by Allan_Tweed; 02/10/17 10:29 PM.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 174
She is here to protect him, I told her I didn't say I would expose I just wanted her to imagine if it is worth it.
I won't lie to her, but her staying like this probably won't work. She is Here in body not in spirit.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
I have accounted for almost all of her non-work time since mid-november.

But you haven't accounted for her worktime and that is probably when she conducts her affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 3 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 11 12

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5