Hello Everyone. I will try to keep this as short and simple as possible while letting everything out. Here goes......in 2009 I had a physical affair and an emotional affair. My wife found out about it in November 2010 after I had ended all contact with both other parties. We started to go see a marriage counselor. After several sessions with the counselor I found out that my wife was having an emotional affair with a guy at her work. I asked her to stop and the counselor told her the same thing. On New years day 2011 she said to me that she was leaving me. I knew that she wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side with the other guy. I begged her to stay and she decided to. She continued to work with the guy that she was having her emotional affair with. Nothing ever happened other than they kept getting closer. In Mach 2011 my mother died without any warning. While waiting for the funeral home to pick up her body my wife and I were sitting in her car and I told her she had to choose between me and other guy, and that if she was to continue with me it would mean quieting her job. Again her choice was to stay with me and she left her job. We both went into survival mode. From then on things with us had been good. It seemed that trust was being rebuilt and we were growing as a couple. Fast Forward to 2017. We had a business together and she was getting burnt out on the work so she started to look for a new job. She found one at a small company that was not to far from our house. Things seemed to be going ok. In June I had to go out of town for work and would be gone for about 12 days. During my trip my wife and daughter came down to visit me for Fathers day weekend. She and I were in the bathroom together and we started to fool around. Well she did somthing that she did not like to do (her choice and Im not trying to be graphic). Well as soon as she did it the alarm bells started going off in my head and the RED FLAGS started flying. After she left to go back home I started watching the usage on our phone closely. In July she had to go on a work trip for a class. I was not happy about it but I had no 100% reason to try and stop it. While she was away I continued to watch the phone usage and then I knew something was going on. When she got back from her trip I told her that I had been watching the phone usage and I knew that something was going on. She denied it got mad at me talked about divorce and separation. I told her I would not do a separation because that was just a green light to cheat. Nothing changed, I got stressed out lost 72lbs (which I could stand to loose). Things continued until the week before Christmas. I found out that she was talking to another guy on Whatsapp and I got his name and number and I confronted her with it. She lied about it and so I showed my hand. She came clean about HIM. The week after Christmas we took a much needed family vacation. My gut was still telling me that something was going on. On 1-2-18 I asked how I knew that things were finished and quoted a text message that I had read. She hung her head. I asked her if she had been sleeping with someone else. She said yes and came clean about her Affair with her BOSS. She had some sort of sexual contact with him 32 times. She told me that Dec 9th was the last time and that she had ended it. I was crushed and devastated but I wanted to save my marriage. I met with her Boss, who is married with 5 kids and has no plan of leaving, to talk and to let him know that I knew EVERYTHING. Even things I did not want to know. I truly love my wife and I do want to work things out. The problem that I am having is that before we went on our trip I quit my job. She is to scared to leave her job and wont quit. Mind you we have money saved in the bank that we could last 6 months without a job. Since it is a small office mostly it is just her and him in the office. Well since I am out of work I sit in her office daily. She told me that she is done with the whole affair aspect has no interest in him any longer. I have such mixed feelings right now and I am so up and down that I feel like Im on an evil roller coaster and that I just cant get off. At this point I dont know what else to do. I have told my wife that I want our old relationship back to the Fun days and that I want us to be stronger than ever before. However it angers me that the Boss gets to have his cake and eat it too which I sit here picking up the pieces of my marriage and try to put it back together again.

Sorry this is so very long. I needed to get it all out.

Thank You

One thing that I forgot to add. Up until Monday 1-8-18 I felt so very close to my wife we talked about everything. I felt like I learned things from her that I had not known about who she was. Our trip was amazing that we went on I saw a side of her that I had not seen in a very long time.

Hi Lost, welcome to Marriage Builders. Have you exposed the affair to the BOSS's wife?

No I have not. My wife knows that his wife will leave him if she finds out. For the reason that she stuck by him while he went to jail for DWIs. I want to tell her and his business partner. Both people my wife asked me not to talk to about it.

So that is where you would start. I would expose the affair - without forewarning your wife - to his wife, his business partner, his family and friends. Your wife doesn't want you to expose because it would ruin her affair. The bank robber naturally wants doesn't want to be exposed.

Please go read the thread linked in my signature, Exposure 101 for tips and tactics. And whatever you do, don't forewarn your wife and her creepy boyfriend.

Are you married? If so, how long? Do you have children and if so, do they know about her affair?


So, your wife wants to help the OM trick her into staying in a marriage she KNOWS this woman does not want to stay in? Does she believe it is a virtue to trick people like that?

Don't discuss it with your wife anymore. In the same way that her affair is a unilateral decision, so is exposure.

In fact it works best if your wife doesn't even know you are going to do it.

Get the truth out there so some real world fallout can start hitting this affair so it can crumble sooner rather than later.

When you put it that way it does make sense to me.


I will have a look at the link. Yes we are married. Have been for 15 years together for 20. We have a 10 year old daughter together and I have a 22 year old son which my wife has been more of a mother to than his mom. (was not married to his mom we were dating and she got pregnant.)


Part of me thinks that this is only because she is trying to protect her job. There is also a bit a language barrier with the other wife. She only speaks Spanish.

Part of me thinks that this is only because she is trying to protect her job. There is also a bit a language barrier with the other wife. She only speaks Spanish. [/quote]

Right, she wants to make sure the poor wife stays deceived for her own selfish purposes.

So the wife and I just had this conversation.... I said to her Why dont you want me to tell his wife?

Her reply was: I could have gone without know about your affair all the hurt and pain that it caused me.

Lost, I STRONGLY urge you to listen to the vets here, in particular what markos posted earlier about not discussing it further with your wife:


Unfortunately, you just gave your wayward wife advance notice that you will (or might) be contacting the OMW (other man's wife). You're giving a wayward the opportunity to spin her web of lies, painting you as controlling, jealous, and/or crazy. Your exposure will be much more successful if you don't give WW a chance to plant seeds of doubt ahead of the truth.


How do you know a wayward is lying? Their lips are moving. Jokes aside, you cannot believe anything WW says right now, she's in the affair fog. Interesting that her reply to you (that a betrayed spouse would rather not know, to avoid the pain), is also self-serving. It protects her and the POSOM from the fallout and consequences of their despicable behavior, and betrayal of their spouses and families.

Don't fall for the lies!

Again, please follow the advice of the vets on this forum, they have seen it ALL before, and are giving you the best advice possible...the 40 years of Dr. Harley's experience in developing MB. How to identify a vet? The easiest method is to check their registration date and # of posts to this site. MelodyLane has been here 17 years, with nearly 100,000 posts. Markos has been here 8 years, with over 15,000 posts. Both have recovered their marriages using MB principles. They will provide you with the BEST chance to recover your marriage, listen to them, and follow their advice!

Don't think your wife is the woman you once knew. An affair turns your spouse into an alien. She looks like your wife, but don't expect her to react as the person you knew. You don't know this woman and sure enough cannot reason with her.

You are correct! It is just hard for me because I want to believe in her and believe that she is telling me the truth. Then again if that was the full case, I would not be sitting here at her office while she was working and the boss was in town....

I do know that I need to listen to the advice that is being given here. That is the reason that I came here. I go from seeming to have my head on straight to balling like a baby. I also know that I should not full listen to myself when it comes to this. She was ready to quit her job and leave it and I was the one that said stay....oh how very STUPID of me. On Tuesday when I asked her to just leave the job she got mad and upset...

Why did you do that???

Man #1: why didn't you tell me my bookkeeper was embezzling money from me???


Her reply was: I could have gone without know about your stealing all the hurt and pain that it caused me..

Your wife didn't like the fact that you cheated. Normal people want to know when they are being harmed behind their back. SURE, your wife doesn't want her victim to know what she is doing, but that is not due to any care or concern - or she wouldnt be screwing that womans husband - but so she can CONTINUE to harm her.

We cannot help you if you can't put aside your gullibility and follow a plan. It is downright delusional to say " I want to believe in her and believe that she is telling me the truth" about a spouse who has been deceiving you by having an affair. That is irrational.

Stop trying to debate her, and stop tipping her off that you are thinking about exposing her affair.

You will ruin your one and only chance to make this thing crumble early.

Are you listening to us?

NO MAN EVER SAVED HIS MARRIAGE BY WINNING A DEBATE WITH HIS WIFE.

So I looked back up in the thread, and I saw that I already warned you not to discuss exposure with your wife.

The reason I did this is because I'm trying to teach you Dr. Harley's plan for affair recovery.

The reason I'm trying to teach you Dr. Harley's plan is because IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT WORKS.

Your marriage hasn't recovered from previous affairs because you didn't follow the plan that works. Other plans don't work. We've been watching for years; trust us. Dr. Harley has been doing this for decades.

If we say "Don't talk to your wife about this," and you go straight to your wife and talk to her about it, we can only conclude that you're just not going to follow the plan and recover.

If that's the case, I would suggest you just go ahead and get a divorce now and never look back. It will be easier for you in the long run. You will hurt less.

Go to your regular doctor and get some antidepressants prescribed for the short term. You don't have any time to waste. The longer you spend wringing your hands the more your chances of saving your marriage slip through your fingers.


Okay, stop rambling on about it. It feels good to talk and tell your story but IT WON'T SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

You need to tell your DD10. Read this Exposing to Children

You all are correct. I do need to listen to the advise that is being given if I am ever going to be able to save our marriage.

One thing that I am wondering is....should I demand her to leave her job?

OF COURSE. Once you expose the affair to the wife you DEMAND that your wife quit her job immediately or this will lead to divorce.

How is your exposure coming along? I am concerned because we told you days ago to do this and it doesn't seem you took that advice seriously.

The exposure is happening on Tuesday. That way I can tell the other wife and his business partner at the same time. The business partner is currently out of the country until Monday. In reading and listening to the advise I want to inform both parties either at the same time or as close together as I can make it happen. After the 2 of them I am going to call my mother in-law and tell her.

perfect! I would also plan on exposure to the OM's friends and family on facebook when you get done with this. Have you exposed to any children?

Have not exposed to our kids yet. We are going out of town this weekend (Wife, Daughter, myself ) and going to do it then.

On a side note....I stumbled across it once before and now cant find it again. Where do I find the list of acronyms? example : ww, om etc.

Noooooo, you tell your daughter and son alone. Telling them together is fine but your wife must not be present. Stick to the cold hard facts; their mother is having an affair and that is not allowed because she is married. You need to also tell her about your own affairs so that she hears this from you first. Don't make excuses for your behaviour; your daughter is learning an important lesson. Tell her what you did was very wrong.

Here's the decoder for all the acronyms:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

I would hold off until next Tuesday because you don't want your wife there when you tell the kids about her affair. That will just cause a fight.

Just wondering....What does it mean when it is the ww that is the one that brought everything out into the open?

And when I mean bring it out into the open I mean she is the one that told me of the affair going on finally.

It could mean anything. In your case it means she is a little more brazen and shameless than most.

??

You told us in the first post that you confronted her, she lied, and then you "showed your hand".


Sometimes he wayward denies it even when confronted with proof. Sometimes they will admit it. Sometimes they continue to gaslight and lie. Sometimes it is all of the above. A wayward is the equivalent to a falling down drunk so what comes out of their mouth doesn't mean very much.

It doesn't make any difference to how you approach the steps to recovery (beginning with exposure).

Yes I did have to tell what I knew to get the truth. Point taken.

So an Update....I got a text from a number out of state that I do not know it says "Your wife is having sex with her boss" when I replied to it : "Who is this" I have not heard back.

I asked WW who else knew and she told me that the only other person that she has told anything to was a guy on the plane on her way home.

Did you tell your wife about the text?

Apparently, many ppl know your wife is having sex with a married man and they are hoping you do something about it.

Interesting that your wife claims she told a complete stranger on a plane she was shagging her boss! How cute!

Yes I told her about the text. That is how I found out about the guy in the other state (which has the same area code as where the text came from)

Maybe it was the guy that she met on the plane which means she gave a complete stranger her name and number and he found you.

That is what I was thinking as well. It is just struck me as weird.

It should show you how your WW has no boundaries at all around the opposite sex. Makes me wonder if she does this often.

Update. Since Exposure, OMW was told, business partner was told, all of our family members have been told as well as our kids, it went better than I was expecting. I also went on to find out all I could of the man she met in the airport and was sending pictures to and sexting with. I found and told his wife as well. I could not find any other of his family. Also she quit her job and blocked all forms of contact with him.

I knew in my gut that this had been happening for a long time and I thought that I was ready for all the details. I am starting to think that knowing EVERYTHING was a bad idea. I in no way shape or forum can look at my wife the same way. I know that I still love her and want to be with her but I cant seem to keep my mind off of all of it. I did go to the Dr. to get some anti-depressants but they do not seem to help. I do know that they take time to help but still I would have thought that something would have happened by now. I just wish that I could get my mind off this subject so way.

So the ww and I were just talking and I asked her why she stopped wearing a ring that was given to her when my mother passed away. (it is a family ring that has in my family for several generations.)

She said because she felt guilty doing what she was doing while wearing it.

How ever weird that gave me some hope...

Good for you for exposing the affair and insisting she quit her job. How did she come to quit her job? Did she quit becuase you insisted?

Now, your work begins. it will be important that you create an affair proof marriage and create a great marriage. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Will she participate in recovery? Because unless she agrees to stop trolling for action and protect from repeat affairs, you will be dealing with this again.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.