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#3002511 01/19/18 12:52 PM
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I've been married 36 years. I need to move to plan B but am in a difficult situation. My husband is a missionary. I am unable to work in the country I live in. It would also mean the immediate dismissal from missionary service, eliminating his job permanently and all income.
We went for counselling 15 years ago. My husband never followed through with his responsibilities. One was to do the MB needs survey. He refused.
I'm certain that if I was in the USA, and could get a job that would allow me to move out, this would have already happened.
I love my husband, but like Dr.Harley said 80% of divorces come from neglect. My husband is good at ministering to everyone BUT me.
Any advice?


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How soon can you get back to the US?


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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I could jump on a plane next week. But with no car, no housing, no job and no money that would seem a little foolish. My lack of resources has kept me here this long.

Last edited by DesparateMission; 01/19/18 03:42 PM.

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Is your husband abusive (physical or verbal)? Is he having an affair?

Do you have children?

This is where Dr, Harley tells wives to start preparing for the separation. Start brainstorming ideas ... is there anyone in the States that could take you in for a month while you get your feet on the ground? Family? Friends? A church?

What kind of education do you have? What kind of job could you get? Do you need to go back to school for awhile so that you can get the job you want?

Start writing down ideas, even ones that seem impossible right now.


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What to do with an Angry Husband

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My DH is neglectful. He hasn't had an affair. He admits he doesn't meet my needs. He will drop everything to minister to people, except for me. Everyone thinks he is the nicest person, and he is to them. A recent example is that a woman (stranger) calls the church and he counsels her over the phone, and they exchange 7 e-mails within a matter of a couple hours. He does attach my e-mail so I get a copy and I have access to his e-mail. He is very busy preaching, teaching classes, etc. He stops everything in his day to do research for this lady immediately. (She lives several hours away, is searching for God, a church, etc.) Then over the next days he has a total of 14 e-mail exchanges with her, 2 of them lengthy Bible discussions over the book of John.
Two things about this: First, with his busy schedule, and because she is also a woman, and I do have a Bible college degree, as well as a counselling certificate, and to keep him from being being put in a compromising situation and protect our marriage, I feel he should have taken her info, and passed it along to me.

Second, when he does come home at night, he ends up spending literally all his time on the computer working on class prep, etc. He has no time in life to engage in conversation, dates, etc.
If he isn't teaching, it isn't that he spends time with me. He spends time on facebook, pintrest, reading news, etc.

When I have a question concerning the Bible he never gets around to giving me an answer. I'm not a priority. A very hurtful example is that a few years ago I asked him about women and head covering in the Bible. He never answered me and three years later he preached on it on a Sunday morning, that women were to wear head coverings, but I never knew he believed that and never got told ahead of time. So I sit there in church getting my question answered in that format and it took him 3 years to do it.

He has given away time he promised to me because someone else "needed" to talk to him. He took a call from a drunk on Christmas Eve during our family time. These are typical things for him.

His neglect leads to many heated arguments.

We have 6 grown children and 15 grandchildren.

I have been thinking where I could go. I think my children will be angry at me for leaving and would not take me in. I don't want a divorce, but I also don't think my husband will take it serious without me leaving.

We have at times lived in separate bedrooms since the kids are no longer home. That bothers my husband a lot and after a couple weeks we end up in the same room again, then he quits investing in me and goes back to neglect.

I have just an associates degree in Bible, and the counseling certificate is not a degree that I could get a job in that area with. I'm 56 years old. I don't know what I could do to support myself using my current education. I did daycare before we went to the mission field, and during college I managed a motel. I have been out of the work force for nearly 25 years.

Without income it would be hard to go to school. My dream job, and my calling was to serve God on the mission field. But I know the way things are in our marriage we can't be effective and the requirements to have the family in order is not being obeyed by my husband - in essence making him disqualified.

I'll work on a written list of options. I've been doing this mentally, but I am sure written is better. And I will be looking for jobs I could apply for over the internet.









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Do you have any kind of nest egg or start up fund?

Something I have done when I needed to quickly change job locations is to call temp agencies and ask them how many days work at a minimum each week they can guarantee if i promise not to be choosy about postings. I worked for a teaching supply agency who promised me 3 days a week; I usually got four/five. (They were going crazy for daycare training which i did not have. Kids are bug carriers and If a local daycare had too many staff out sick, then the legal adult/child ratio wasnt met). If you have hotel experience then you could agree to temp weekends too (the more days availability you say you have the more chance of work).

You can sign up for more than one type of agency as well. I ended up getting lots of work from one (and a regular job out of it too).

Another idea is to look for jobs with built in accomodation; hotel work, cruise ships, housekeeper, nannying etc.

You have lots of skills and the world is your oyster.

Last edited by indiegirl; 01/21/18 03:50 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Have you read this? When to Call it Quits?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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In addition to indiegirl�s advice have you read this? Why Women Leave Men


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have read both articles. Thank you, Indiegirl, for your suggestions.
Proceeding carefully.


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Originally Posted by DesparateMission
I have read both articles. Thank you, Indiegirl, for your suggestions.
Proceeding carefully.
Do you have a plan or any ideas of what you're going to do?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I think my children will be angry at me for leaving and would not take me in. I don't want a divorce, but I also don't think my husband will take it serious without me leaving.
You know them better than I, but are you sure? If my mother were to leave my father, I'd take her in (even if I believed she were wrong to leave). I'd especially do it if she weren't seeking a divorce, but was trying to get help for her marriage. You might be surprised.

I assume, like many missionaries, you have churches that support you financially. Do they know of his neglect?


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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By the way, when I kicked my husband out of the house, I didn't tell anybody because I feared the response of my family and my church. My church is very against divorce. I just knew they would be angry with me, so I went at it alone.

But when members of my family and my church learned that I had separated from my husband, the response I got was "Good for you."

Sometimes people surprise you. A lot of women on the verge of separation are very fearful. Don't be afraid -- hold your head up, and do what you know needs to be done.

If the response is negative, then you know who your real friends are.


Markos' Wife
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DesparateMission:

Separation sends a very strong message to husbands who neglect their dependent wives. They usually don't think that their wife would ever leave them, so they ignore their needs. I've witnessed many examples of wives, who had strong religious convictions about staying married, take the plunge which in the end revolutionized their marriage. It's no guarantee, of course, but it sure sends a message that you cannot be taken for granted.

But a separation requires careful planning. You must be able to set up a job and a place to live ahead of time. Some of the women I've counseled took a year to prepare for a comfortable environment for them to go to when they separated. Then, they gave their husbands the conditions that would have to be met for them to return. At first, the husband is very angry, but in the end almost all of them softened and saw that they had not given their wives the love and attention that they deserved to have.

I emphasize, "comfortable environment" because you may need to be there for a while before your husband finally responds. Or, if he never responds in a positive way. Start preparing now.

I also recommend that you start "planting seeds." Start telling your children how unhappy you are and how you don't know how much longer you can tolerate your husband's neglect. That message will give you a feel for which of your children would be willing to help you in the event of a separation.

Dr. Harley


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