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#3002645 02/10/18 11:25 AM
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I am about to go into work, but before I did I wanted to ask a question. Are there any members on this forum whose spouse is addicted to sex. Be it online affairs, searching for hookups on pages like craigslist, backpage, Ashley Madison, chatrooms, etc etc? I ask because my H is an addict. I've left our marital home since Oct of 2017. Our marriage is huge crisis. We are being interviewed with a CSAT next week (certified sex addiction therapist) to see if he will accept us into a 3 day couples intensive. It's a 6k investment. H balked at first because he has to take multiple polygraphs and disclose all of his indiscretions, infidelities etc. Well, He ended up emailing me all of his infidelities, affairs and inappropriate activities. H was sexually molested at the age of 6 by an Uncle. Exposed to his dads girly mags at the age of 10. Needless to say this trauma has affected him throughout his life. He has been leading a double life right under my nose. I had no clue, we professed our love and devotion daily, we had a loving good marriage. IHe has now committed to getting help.I am heading back to my home with only a few clothes to interview with this CSAT. If we are accepted, I will stay and do the 3 day intensive and go from there. I suppose the secrets coming out into the light of day catapulted him into seeing the crisis he is in. I am staying hopeful that we together can beat his demons down and he can do the work necessary to stay sober.

I'll be back on here when I can. Thanks for reading and for input.

ruby #3002646 02/10/18 04:11 PM
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Hi Ruby, Dr Harley has worked with many people serial cheaters and the solution is a radical lifestyle and behavior change. Remove the temptations and make it impossible for him to lead a double life. I would strongly caution you about talking about his childhood, though, that is a complete waste of time that takes valuable time away from finding solutions.

If you set up his life with complete transparency, he won't be able to ever cheat again. Since he is a serial cheater, Harley would suggest that you find a way to be together 24/7.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


ruby #3002647 02/10/18 04:16 PM
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P.S. if your husband is actively trolling for action, there is absolutely nothing that you can do. All the counseling in the world will not overcome his choice to troll for action. i see you have been on this forum for many, many years dealing with a serial cheater and that is not healthy or recommended. His childhood has absolutely nothing to do with his adult choices and is a needless distraction.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


ruby #3002648 02/10/18 04:28 PM
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Thanks for your response Melody Lane. This is my second marriage. We've been together for 14 years. For what it's worth I have been researching for the last 2 years about sex addiction. And I actually know for a fact that childhood trauma and sexual molestation as well as being exposed to pornography at the tender age of 6 can have a profound negative impact to acting out sexually as an adult. So yes his childhood trauma will be addressed in our intensive counseling for this particular disease and it is an addiction and it is a disease just like alcoholism and drug addiction. Sex addiction is becoming more and more recognized buy therapist as a real issue. Pornography in general being so readily available online at the click of a mouse is also a reason for many marriages being in trouble. Pornography changes brain chemistry. Also sex addiction like any addiction is Progressive.

ruby #3002649 02/10/18 04:51 PM
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I absolutely agree with you Melody Lane on the radical lifestyle change and stopping the behavior that's a no-brainer. What I have learned in the course of my two years is that this addiction involves self-soothing which numbs the pain of the childhood trauma. In my husband's case the trauma of being molested by a male emasculated him. On top of other childhood abuse. Im not making excuses...but this addiction doesn't define who he is. He is a good man. A loving man. He is sick. And it has taken a lot of courage to for him to commit to intensive therapy as well as come clean as to his infidelity.

ruby #3002650 02/10/18 04:58 PM
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Ruby, how did you find out about this?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Sugarcane. How did i find out about what specifically? Not sure of ur question. If ur asking about his addiction ill have to answer that when i have time to actually type. Vs my phone

ruby #3002652 02/10/18 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by ruby
I absolutely agree with you Melody Lane on the radical lifestyle change and stopping the behavior that's a no-brainer. What I have learned in the course of my two years is that this addiction involves self-soothing which numbs the pain of the childhood trauma.

I mean this respectfully, but it seems one of the biggest problems in your marriage is your enabling. You have been putting up with his serial cheating for YEARS and here you are years later making silly excuses for him. He doesn't need your excuses; he needs to be held accountable.

My point is his childhood has about as much to do with his adult behavior as the price of tea in China. It is every cheaters DREAM to go sit in "therapy" for years on end so they can avoid making changes. Focusing on his childhood is a needless distraction from the present day problems. It also gives him excuses to use porn and engage in serial adultery. He is not SICK, he has bad habits. Hopefully, you don't waste valuable time in "therapy" that should be devoted to making behavioral changes. Serial cheating is not a "sickness," it is a destructive lifestyle choice. A lifestyle that will never change if he is wasting time in therapy.

It takes no "courage" to waste time sitting in therapy talking about the past. What takes "courage" is making radical changes in ones lifestyle. THAT takes courage. If I were you, I would not have anything to do with him until you see radical and meaningful changes in his life. You are NOT SAFE UNTIL THAT HAPPENS.







"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


ruby #3002653 02/10/18 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley wrote
As a clinical psychologist who has been in direct therapy with 50,000 individuals and supervised over 600 counselors, I have not found that resolving issues of the past does much to help people deal with issues of the present. In most cases I've witnessed, it makes matters worse because it drags the most unpleasant experiences of the past into the present. I know that my perspective is in conflict with many therapists who are trained to treat the past before they can treat the present, but I have yet to see any convincing evidence that this approach is more effective than letting the past stay in the past. My personal experience is that dredging up the past actually increases the risk of suicide and other dangerous symptoms of mental disorders. Another important reason that I am opposed to bringing up issues of the past is that it wastes time. When you could be forming an effective plan and putting the plan into motion to resolve an issue of the present, you spend months, and even years focused on the past while the problems of the present keep building up, eventually burying the client.

In your situation, I strongly recommend that you not waste your time talking about the past. And don't try analyzing your husband. I know that his affair was a terrible shock to your system, and you want to feel closure. You have been terribly disillusioned by what he did, but the best you can do under the circumstances is look to the future instead of the past. Don't discuss the past with your husband or anyone else for a while, and see if you don't agree with me that it helps improve your relationship and it also causes you to be more relaxed. Focusing on the past causes depression, while focusing on the future with an eye to making it successful causes optimism and gives you energy.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2413831#Post2413831

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Some counselors think it's a good idea to "resolve issues of the past" by talking about them week after week, month after month, year after year. It keeps these counselors in business, but does nothing to resolve the issue. In fact, it usually makes their poor clients chronically depressed.

My experience as a Clinical Psychologist has proven to me that dredging up unpleasant experiences of the past merely brings the unhappiness of the past into the present. The problems of the present are difficult enough to solve without spending time and energy trying to resolve issues of the past, which are essentially unresolvable. You can make your future happy, but you can't do a thing about bad experiences of the past, except think and talk about them -- and that makes the bad experiences of the past, bad experiences of the present." Dr. Willard Harley


Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.


Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.

I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


ruby #3002654 02/10/18 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by ruby
Be it online affairs, searching for hookups on pages like craigslist, backpage, Ashley Madison, chatrooms, etc etc? I ask because my H is an addict.


Bottom line is that unless he is willing to stop this immediately and make radical lifestyle changes TODAY, you should have nothing to do with him. Will he make those radical changes TODAY? Going to "therapy" is cute and winsome, but it will achieve absolutely nothing unless he agrees to stop it. NOW. Will he stop it now?

If he won't stop it now and make his life so transparent that he CAN'T possibly cheat, then you should go into Plan B and end all contact with him. His lifestyle is abusive and destructive to you, and unless it has stopped, he is not a safe person.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is a pretty good article written by Dr. Harley about "sex addiction;" here is an excerpt:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
If your spouse has sincerely promised to avoid sexual activities that offend you, your sexual relationship together has been reasonably fulfilling, and he or she continues to indulge in those offensive sexual activities, voluntarily expressing deep remorse, you're probably married to a sex addict. And the best way to overcome addiction is to separate the addict from his or her source of addiction. In the case of a man who is addicted to internet pornography, he must view the internet under supervision, or not view it at all.

But unlike the problems that Karen and Marty faced, the problems that most couples face when dealing with pornography are not due to addiction. Marital philosophy is usually at root of the problem. If one spouse doesn't grasp the importance of making all decisions with the other spouse's feelings in mind, pornography will not be their only source of conflict. A host of other issues will combine to make their relationship miserable.


Entire article What is Sexual Addiction? By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"But over the years, I've witnessed a new class of answers to the question, why are you having marital problems? It's, "my spouse is an addict." I've found this answer to be increasing, while the insanity answer seems to be decreasing.

The reason for that answer, to avoid personal responsibility for the marital problem, might still be the primary motive. But it's a more compelling answer than the insanity answer. Indeed, in our developing culture addiction appears to be on the increase, and it's often a major factor in creating serious marital problems."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


ruby #3002658 02/10/18 08:57 PM
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We havent had any marital problems ML. Attached at the hip. Good sex life. Not a week went by that we didnt talk about how blessed we are in our marriage. Him praising me for being a great wife. We met each other's needs. Im not hear to start a debate. Im sayingthat my husband is an addict. Self proclaimed. He has stopped the use, but he is sure to slip without a sponsor and accountability in a program. . Finally seemingly hit bottom. I have boundaries. Terms and conditions, if he doesnt work a program im filing, he cant white knuckle this affliction. We have to have outside help.

ruby #3002659 02/10/18 09:07 PM
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Originally Posted by ruby
We havent had any marital problems ML. Attached at the hip. Good sex life. Not a week went by that we didnt talk about how blessed we are in our marriage. Him praising me for being a great wife. We met each other's needs. Im not hear to start a debate. Im sayingthat my husband is an addict. Self proclaimed. He has stopped the use, but he is sure to slip without a sponsor and accountability in a program. . Finally seemingly hit bottom. I have boundaries. Terms and conditions, if he doesnt work a program im filing, he cant white knuckle this affliction. We have to have outside help.


You do have a serious marriage problem, your husband is a serial cheater who looks for action and has a very dangerous, reckless lifestyle. The solution is to do what Dr Harley recommends:

Quote
And the best way to overcome addiction is to separate the addict from his or her source of addiction. In the case of a man who is addicted to internet pornography, he must view the internet under supervision, or not view it at all.

THIS program will save your marriage but only if you will use it and hold him accountable. YOU and him have to hold him accountable. That is not the responsibility of anyone else. I don't really believe you will file for anything since you have been dealing with this since before I even arrived 17 years ago. I believe he knows this.

Quote
He has stopped the use, but he is sure to slip without a sponsor and accountability in a program.

He should not be able to "slip" if you remove the ability to do so. How would he slip if he is with you 24/7? How would he slip if he does not have access to the internet? How would be slip if was never out of your sight? See, he will slip unless you remove the environment that allowed him to cheat.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The extraordinary precautions for avoiding more affairs has to be stricter than typical affairs. And even that will NEVER EVER work if your husband is still choosing to troll for action.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


ruby #3002661 02/10/18 09:17 PM
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Ruby, Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who has years of experience dealing with addictions while saving marriages.[he used to run a chain of treatment centers in Minnesota before he specialized in marriage recovery] I would implore you to follow his advice. You won't get this kind of help from a "therapist." You can email Dr. Harley for advice and he will help you. [for free] Email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

You have been dealing with the same problem for years and years and I assure you Dr Harley is equipped to help you. You just have to reach out.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Have any of his affairs been exposed? Were any of the OW married? Do you have children?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



ruby #3002665 02/10/18 10:00 PM
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What extraordinary precautions are going to be put in place?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



ruby #3002667 02/10/18 10:19 PM
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Melody lane. Look up Dr. MILTON MAGNESS. HOPEANDFREEDOM DOT COM. REKNOWN worldwide. . These were paid prostitutes, one hour stands. No emotional connection...affair all the same.

ruby #3002668 02/10/18 10:23 PM
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Originally Posted by ruby
Melody lane. Look up Dr. MILTON MAGNESS. HOPEANDFREEDOM DOT COM. REKNOWN worldwide. . These were paid prostitutes, one hour stands. No emotional connection...affair all the same.


No, I won't look that up. I have no reason to do so.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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