|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
I am about to go into work, but before I did I wanted to ask a question. Are there any members on this forum whose spouse is addicted to sex. Be it online affairs, searching for hookups on pages like craigslist, backpage, Ashley Madison, chatrooms, etc etc? I ask because my H is an addict. I've left our marital home since Oct of 2017. Our marriage is huge crisis. We are being interviewed with a CSAT next week (certified sex addiction therapist) to see if he will accept us into a 3 day couples intensive. It's a 6k investment. H balked at first because he has to take multiple polygraphs and disclose all of his indiscretions, infidelities etc. Well, He ended up emailing me all of his infidelities, affairs and inappropriate activities. H was sexually molested at the age of 6 by an Uncle. Exposed to his dads girly mags at the age of 10. Needless to say this trauma has affected him throughout his life. He has been leading a double life right under my nose. I had no clue, we professed our love and devotion daily, we had a loving good marriage. IHe has now committed to getting help.I am heading back to my home with only a few clothes to interview with this CSAT. If we are accepted, I will stay and do the 3 day intensive and go from there. I suppose the secrets coming out into the light of day catapulted him into seeing the crisis he is in. I am staying hopeful that we together can beat his demons down and he can do the work necessary to stay sober.
I'll be back on here when I can. Thanks for reading and for input.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Hi Ruby, Dr Harley has worked with many people serial cheaters and the solution is a radical lifestyle and behavior change. Remove the temptations and make it impossible for him to lead a double life. I would strongly caution you about talking about his childhood, though, that is a complete waste of time that takes valuable time away from finding solutions.
If you set up his life with complete transparency, he won't be able to ever cheat again. Since he is a serial cheater, Harley would suggest that you find a way to be together 24/7.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
P.S. if your husband is actively trolling for action, there is absolutely nothing that you can do. All the counseling in the world will not overcome his choice to troll for action. i see you have been on this forum for many, many years dealing with a serial cheater and that is not healthy or recommended. His childhood has absolutely nothing to do with his adult choices and is a needless distraction.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Thanks for your response Melody Lane. This is my second marriage. We've been together for 14 years. For what it's worth I have been researching for the last 2 years about sex addiction. And I actually know for a fact that childhood trauma and sexual molestation as well as being exposed to pornography at the tender age of 6 can have a profound negative impact to acting out sexually as an adult. So yes his childhood trauma will be addressed in our intensive counseling for this particular disease and it is an addiction and it is a disease just like alcoholism and drug addiction. Sex addiction is becoming more and more recognized buy therapist as a real issue. Pornography in general being so readily available online at the click of a mouse is also a reason for many marriages being in trouble. Pornography changes brain chemistry. Also sex addiction like any addiction is Progressive.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
I absolutely agree with you Melody Lane on the radical lifestyle change and stopping the behavior that's a no-brainer. What I have learned in the course of my two years is that this addiction involves self-soothing which numbs the pain of the childhood trauma. In my husband's case the trauma of being molested by a male emasculated him. On top of other childhood abuse. Im not making excuses...but this addiction doesn't define who he is. He is a good man. A loving man. He is sick. And it has taken a lot of courage to for him to commit to intensive therapy as well as come clean as to his infidelity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,534 Likes: 9
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,534 Likes: 9 |
Ruby, how did you find out about this?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Sugarcane. How did i find out about what specifically? Not sure of ur question. If ur asking about his addiction ill have to answer that when i have time to actually type. Vs my phone
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I absolutely agree with you Melody Lane on the radical lifestyle change and stopping the behavior that's a no-brainer. What I have learned in the course of my two years is that this addiction involves self-soothing which numbs the pain of the childhood trauma. I mean this respectfully, but it seems one of the biggest problems in your marriage is your enabling. You have been putting up with his serial cheating for YEARS and here you are years later making silly excuses for him. He doesn't need your excuses; he needs to be held accountable. My point is his childhood has about as much to do with his adult behavior as the price of tea in China. It is every cheaters DREAM to go sit in "therapy" for years on end so they can avoid making changes. Focusing on his childhood is a needless distraction from the present day problems. It also gives him excuses to use porn and engage in serial adultery. He is not SICK, he has bad habits. Hopefully, you don't waste valuable time in "therapy" that should be devoted to making behavioral changes. Serial cheating is not a "sickness," it is a destructive lifestyle choice. A lifestyle that will never change if he is wasting time in therapy. It takes no "courage" to waste time sitting in therapy talking about the past. What takes "courage" is making radical changes in ones lifestyle. THAT takes courage. If I were you, I would not have anything to do with him until you see radical and meaningful changes in his life. You are NOT SAFE UNTIL THAT HAPPENS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
As a clinical psychologist who has been in direct therapy with 50,000 individuals and supervised over 600 counselors, I have not found that resolving issues of the past does much to help people deal with issues of the present. In most cases I've witnessed, it makes matters worse because it drags the most unpleasant experiences of the past into the present. I know that my perspective is in conflict with many therapists who are trained to treat the past before they can treat the present, but I have yet to see any convincing evidence that this approach is more effective than letting the past stay in the past. My personal experience is that dredging up the past actually increases the risk of suicide and other dangerous symptoms of mental disorders. Another important reason that I am opposed to bringing up issues of the past is that it wastes time. When you could be forming an effective plan and putting the plan into motion to resolve an issue of the present, you spend months, and even years focused on the past while the problems of the present keep building up, eventually burying the client. In your situation, I strongly recommend that you not waste your time talking about the past. And don't try analyzing your husband. I know that his affair was a terrible shock to your system, and you want to feel closure. You have been terribly disillusioned by what he did, but the best you can do under the circumstances is look to the future instead of the past. Don't discuss the past with your husband or anyone else for a while, and see if you don't agree with me that it helps improve your relationship and it also causes you to be more relaxed. Focusing on the past causes depression, while focusing on the future with an eye to making it successful causes optimism and gives you energy. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2413831#Post2413831"Some counselors think it's a good idea to "resolve issues of the past" by talking about them week after week, month after month, year after year. It keeps these counselors in business, but does nothing to resolve the issue. In fact, it usually makes their poor clients chronically depressed.
My experience as a Clinical Psychologist has proven to me that dredging up unpleasant experiences of the past merely brings the unhappiness of the past into the present. The problems of the present are difficult enough to solve without spending time and energy trying to resolve issues of the past, which are essentially unresolvable. You can make your future happy, but you can't do a thing about bad experiences of the past, except think and talk about them -- and that makes the bad experiences of the past, bad experiences of the present." Dr. Willard Harley An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.
Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.
I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Be it online affairs, searching for hookups on pages like craigslist, backpage, Ashley Madison, chatrooms, etc etc? I ask because my H is an addict. Bottom line is that unless he is willing to stop this immediately and make radical lifestyle changes TODAY, you should have nothing to do with him. Will he make those radical changes TODAY? Going to "therapy" is cute and winsome, but it will achieve absolutely nothing unless he agrees to stop it. NOW. Will he stop it now? If he won't stop it now and make his life so transparent that he CAN'T possibly cheat, then you should go into Plan B and end all contact with him. His lifestyle is abusive and destructive to you, and unless it has stopped, he is not a safe person.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
This is a pretty good article written by Dr. Harley about "sex addiction;" here is an excerpt: If your spouse has sincerely promised to avoid sexual activities that offend you, your sexual relationship together has been reasonably fulfilling, and he or she continues to indulge in those offensive sexual activities, voluntarily expressing deep remorse, you're probably married to a sex addict. And the best way to overcome addiction is to separate the addict from his or her source of addiction. In the case of a man who is addicted to internet pornography, he must view the internet under supervision, or not view it at all.
But unlike the problems that Karen and Marty faced, the problems that most couples face when dealing with pornography are not due to addiction. Marital philosophy is usually at root of the problem. If one spouse doesn't grasp the importance of making all decisions with the other spouse's feelings in mind, pornography will not be their only source of conflict. A host of other issues will combine to make their relationship miserable. Entire article What is Sexual Addiction? By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"But over the years, I've witnessed a new class of answers to the question, why are you having marital problems? It's, "my spouse is an addict." I've found this answer to be increasing, while the insanity answer seems to be decreasing.
The reason for that answer, to avoid personal responsibility for the marital problem, might still be the primary motive. But it's a more compelling answer than the insanity answer. Indeed, in our developing culture addiction appears to be on the increase, and it's often a major factor in creating serious marital problems."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
We havent had any marital problems ML. Attached at the hip. Good sex life. Not a week went by that we didnt talk about how blessed we are in our marriage. Him praising me for being a great wife. We met each other's needs. Im not hear to start a debate. Im sayingthat my husband is an addict. Self proclaimed. He has stopped the use, but he is sure to slip without a sponsor and accountability in a program. . Finally seemingly hit bottom. I have boundaries. Terms and conditions, if he doesnt work a program im filing, he cant white knuckle this affliction. We have to have outside help.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
We havent had any marital problems ML. Attached at the hip. Good sex life. Not a week went by that we didnt talk about how blessed we are in our marriage. Him praising me for being a great wife. We met each other's needs. Im not hear to start a debate. Im sayingthat my husband is an addict. Self proclaimed. He has stopped the use, but he is sure to slip without a sponsor and accountability in a program. . Finally seemingly hit bottom. I have boundaries. Terms and conditions, if he doesnt work a program im filing, he cant white knuckle this affliction. We have to have outside help. You do have a serious marriage problem, your husband is a serial cheater who looks for action and has a very dangerous, reckless lifestyle. The solution is to do what Dr Harley recommends: And the best way to overcome addiction is to separate the addict from his or her source of addiction. In the case of a man who is addicted to internet pornography, he must view the internet under supervision, or not view it at all. THIS program will save your marriage but only if you will use it and hold him accountable. YOU and him have to hold him accountable. That is not the responsibility of anyone else. I don't really believe you will file for anything since you have been dealing with this since before I even arrived 17 years ago. I believe he knows this. He has stopped the use, but he is sure to slip without a sponsor and accountability in a program. He should not be able to "slip" if you remove the ability to do so. How would he slip if he is with you 24/7? How would he slip if he does not have access to the internet? How would be slip if was never out of your sight? See, he will slip unless you remove the environment that allowed him to cheat.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The extraordinary precautions for avoiding more affairs has to be stricter than typical affairs. And even that will NEVER EVER work if your husband is still choosing to troll for action.
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ruby, Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who has years of experience dealing with addictions while saving marriages.[he used to run a chain of treatment centers in Minnesota before he specialized in marriage recovery] I would implore you to follow his advice. You won't get this kind of help from a "therapist." You can email Dr. Harley for advice and he will help you. [for free] Email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
You have been dealing with the same problem for years and years and I assure you Dr Harley is equipped to help you. You just have to reach out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
Have any of his affairs been exposed? Were any of the OW married? Do you have children?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
What extraordinary precautions are going to be put in place?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Melody lane. Look up Dr. MILTON MAGNESS. HOPEANDFREEDOM DOT COM. REKNOWN worldwide. . These were paid prostitutes, one hour stands. No emotional connection...affair all the same.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Melody lane. Look up Dr. MILTON MAGNESS. HOPEANDFREEDOM DOT COM. REKNOWN worldwide. . These were paid prostitutes, one hour stands. No emotional connection...affair all the same. No, I won't look that up. I have no reason to do so.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
P.S. has your husband been tested for STDs? Have you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
IAre there any members on this forum whose spouse is addicted to sex. Ruby, I just wanted to get back your question in the original post. Dr. Harley has saved many marriages of serial cheaters and sex addicts. He helped them by teaching them his program. We aren't going to you any advice other than that given by Dr. Harley. But it doesn't seem like that is what you want. We aren't here to share personal philosophies, but to help you with his concepts - that DO WORK.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Melodylane, I totally get that. I'm not bucking these principles. I've worked and understand the principles here. I've worked them with my Husband. I value all his principles. I was merely asking if other people here were dealing with addictions. Sex addiction is real. I lived it. Nothing more nothing less. I apologize in advance for even putting this dr.'s name out. Wasn't my intention to remotely steer anyone to him or his methods in dealing with people with childhood trauma. I'm sorry to have ruffled your feathers. I know that you have been a long time contributor on this site and your knowledge has helped so many here. I'll continue to work the principles. And yes, we are going to be taking extraodinary measures to safe proof our marriage against porn, prostitution, hookups. Otherwise we will never make it in our marriage and I will retain the attorney that I've already had consultation with.  Please fill free to delete that post.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Melodylane, I totally get that. I'm not bucking these principles. I've worked and understand the principles here. I've worked them with my Husband. I value all his principles. I was merely asking if other people here were dealing with addictions. Sex addiction is real. I lived it. So anyway, I have shown you Dr. Harley's solution to sex addiction. We can help you with that if you want to implement his concepts. He has helped many people resolve that problem effectively.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
To add: My H just took a huge step in disclosing all his indiscretions. A lot of courage on his part and willingness to admit that he has a problem that he is actually powerless over when he is in a compulsive state. He's truly sick and he knows it. On top of using the principles here...he must have accountability. Which will include a 12 step program. I personally don't think it's a one size fits all model in my Husbands case. He's claimed he's willing to do whatever it takes. Actions....I will only watch his actions. In interim, I'm focusing on my own self care. because now I have ptsd and betrayal trauma that I'm dealing with as well. There is much work to do. I just hope pray my H has the balls to do the work religiously. He will never be recovered...just one day at a time. and yes exposure has been implemented. Also, he is quitting his Job in 3 months as he will be vested with the company and able to take his pension in lump sum. His work put him on the road for months at a time. I'm sure more stuff will come out in the open when he takes the polygraphs. Biggest fight of our lives is unfolding.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
we will need to implement several models of recovery Melody Lane. Harley's model will be one.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
Have you read this and listened to the radio clips in here? Serial Cheaters
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I personally don't think it's a one size fits all model in my Husbands case. He's claimed he's willing to do whatever it takes. The best suggestion I can give to you is to put aside your inexperience about recovery and listen to Dr Harley. He knows how to save marriages. Our own best efforts have only served to wreck our marriages. It wasn't until I put aside my own "wisdom" and admitted that I did not know how to save my own marriage that my marriage changed. [I have been in a fully recovered, passionate marriage since 2007] It doesn't appear you have experience either. You can have a great marriage too if you have the ability to keep an open mind and put aside your own ideas. Marriage Builders has the FULL solution to your problem, but you have to use it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
He's truly sick and he knows it. What is his illness?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
for some reason it can't seem to get it to play. Do you have another link to the call?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
His work put him on the road for months at a time. This is the reason he cheated. Temptation and opportunity. Divorce and adultery are epidemic in traveling jobs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
deleted.
Last edited by ruby; 02/11/18 12:23 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
It sounds to me like you are psychoanalyzing him and trying to make excuses for him. Why not leave that to the professionals?
Why not take off your psychiatrist hat and email Dr Harley? [a real doctor] You can reach him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
It's okay Melodylane. I was just merely looking for a safe place...a safe place to put my situation out there. wondering if others might be in the same boat. I will continue working the priciples. but I wont be posting on this forum anymore. Be well....all of you in your recovery process. Carry on. I"m not excusing him for anything BTW.
Last edited by ruby; 02/11/18 12:19 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
maybe you should actually do some google ing on the subject at hand. Just saying. he either faces his demons or he doesn't . I'm in a actually good place via self care.
Last edited by ruby; 02/11/18 12:32 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
I mean this respectfully, but it seems one of the biggest problems in your marriage is your enabling. You have been putting up with his serial cheating for YEARS and here you are years later making silly excuses for him. He doesn't need your excuses; he needs to be held accountable.
My point is his childhood has about as much to do with his adult behavior as the price of tea in China. It is every cheaters DREAM to go sit in "therapy" for years on end so they can avoid making changes. Focusing on his childhood is a needless distraction from the present day problems. It also gives him excuses to use porn and engage in serial adultery. He is not SICK, he has bad habits. Hopefully, you don't waste valuable time in "therapy" that should be devoted to making behavioral changes. Serial cheating is not a "sickness," it is a destructive lifestyle choice. A lifestyle that will never change if he is wasting time in therapy.
It takes no "courage" to waste time sitting in therapy talking about the past. What takes "courage" is making radical changes in ones lifestyle. THAT takes courage. If I were you, I would not have anything to do with him until you see radical and meaningful changes in his life. You are NOT SAFE UNTIL THAT HAPPENI
I am in full agreement with it "taking radical changes" Melodylane. totally
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
how can I enable an addiction that I wasn't privy too....I had no fn clue the depth of his illness? He's sick. Just as an alcoholic is sick. I stand to believe that my sticking by his side vs deserting him isn't enabling him. I choose at this moment to stick by him....to work a program..programs. time will tell as will his actions.....and I can choose to leave the marriage or stay. I will not stay if he doesn't stay the course and choose sobriety.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
Have you read this and listened to the radio clips in here? Serial CheatersThe radio clips work for me. Have you tried playing them on another device?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Ruby, you mention desertion, I'm not sure why. You seem to think that if he's not a bona fide addict, you are honor bound to leave him; that's not the case at all. In fact, if he were subject to highly uncontrollable desires, such as a criminal level of sexuality, there'd be more reason to leave than if this were a resovable situation. Let me put it this way; marriage builders puts forward the theory that everyone is wired for an affair. In certain situations, and travelling is one of them, this would happen to us all. Sex addicts do exist, Dr Harley has written about them here. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex_addiction.html. Just be careful about wrong classification since its easily done and turns a simple resolution into a second D day. Since its free to get Dr Hs opinion why not just ask and make sure?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
how can I enable an addiction that I wasn't privy too....I had no fn clue the depth of his illness? He's sick. Just as an alcoholic is sick. I stand to believe that my sticking by his side vs deserting him isn't enabling him. I choose at this moment to stick by him....to work a program..programs. time will tell as will his actions.....and I can choose to leave the marriage or stay. I will not stay if he doesn't stay the course and choose sobriety. You have put up with his cheating for how many years? And no, serial cheating is not a sickness. That is an excuse you are making for him.
Last edited by MelodyLane; 02/11/18 09:02 AM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I am in full agreement with it "taking radical changes" Melodylane. totally Has he made those changes? Has he stopped cheating? Made his life so transparent that he can't cheat anymore? What are the changes he has made?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ruby, are you married to this man?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Yes ML. Married 14 years together 17 total
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
I am in full agreement with it "taking radical changes" Melodylane. totally Has he made those changes? Has he stopped cheating? Made his life so transparent that he can't cheat anymore? What are the changes he has made? I would also like to know what precautions he has put in place. And who all have you exposed this to? Has he stopped traveling?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The reason I asked is because you posted 12.5 years ago on 6-29-2005 said: "Not tieing the knot anytime soon. and "He's living with me, as is his 17 yr old,� In the same thread you also mentioned you knew he was involved in porn and actively seeking women: "There is a more to our story, incidents of porn, email accounts newly set up, online dating sites.......again, Redflags. So I'm just observing and making mental notes." Is this the same guy?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Omg....send me the whole link? Can u email it to me?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Im about to go to work.ill check in wjen i can
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Were any of the OW married? Do you have children? I don't see any answers to these questions. Maybe I missed it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I would also like to know what precautions he has put in place. And who all have you exposed this to? Has he stopped traveling?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
I know this was asked, but you never answered. Have you been tested for STD/STI?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Are there any members on this forum whose spouse is addicted to sex. Be it online affairs, searching for hookups on pages like craigslist, backpage, Ashley Madison, chatrooms, etc etc? I ask because my H is an addict. I've left our marital home since Oct of 2017. Our marriage is huge crisis. We are being interviewed with a CSAT next week (certified sex addiction therapist) to see if he will accept us into a 3 day couples intensive. It's a 6k investment. H balked at first because he has to take multiple polygraphs and disclose all of his indiscretions, infidelities etc. Well, He ended up emailing me all of his infidelities, affairs and inappropriate activities. Your WH sounds like any other serial cheater. Serial cheaters *are* addicts - they are addicted to getting needs met outside of the marriage and they have an addiction to their SSL (secret second life). The tools that you would need to deal with these issues are right here on this site. Going to therapy and talking about childhood problems will not help your WH to make the radical lifestyle changes that are necessary here. I've spoken to Dr Harley about this personally and he did not encourage therapy or say that it would help my exWH to give up his marriage-wrecking behavior. He emphasized that my exWH needed to change the conditions that enabled him to cheat - and make it impossible, including changing his job so that we would be together 24/7 etc. You should utilize Dr. Harley's principles - with the help of this forum to present a plan to your husband on how to affair proof the marriage, which includes a radical lifestyle change and see if he is willing to get on board. If there is any waffling whatsoever, you should just start your Plan B/separation preparations.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
H was sexually molested at the age of 6 by an Uncle. Exposed to his dads girly mags at the age of 10. Needless to say this trauma has affected him throughout his life. He has been leading a double life right under my nose. Plenty of people who are molested or had otherwise bad childhoods do NOT cheat. Plenty of people who had NO trauma in their childhoods DO cheat. I've seen betrayed spouses on here going on and on about how their WS's cheating was because of x, y and z issues (non-childhood related). Wayward spouses, in general, will latch on to almost any excuse to avoid taking responsibility for their marriage-wrecking behavior. It is a big mistake to focus on these excuses (regardless of what they are). Going to therapy to deal with personal issues usually just leads to more WS self-focus and playing the victim card vs shifting the focus back that marriage. We've seen it many many times on this forum, ruby. I honestly don't bother helping posters that have a WS going to IC because I know that recovery is not going to happen based on what I have seen on these forums and my own experience.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
We havent had any marital problems ML.  If your marriage is not affair proofed, the rest of it does not matter.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Holy cow, I Should have walked away.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Holy cow, I Should have walked away. Sorry, we do not pat people on the back here when we see them standing on the train tracks, about to get hit again.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Holy cow, I Should have walked away. And by the way, it is very rude to throw this dig out when people have spent time trying to help you. We're not here to tell you what you want to hear. We are volunteers who take time out of our day to help because we believe in MB and it's helped us out in our own marriages.
Last edited by SusieQ; 02/11/18 01:21 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Holy cow, I Should have walked away. No, you should not have walked! We are here to support, not enable PlanRuby. Keep in mind that you have no experience at this, Dr Harley DOES. This is why I asked you to put aside your own ideas about recovery and keep an open mind.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 45 |
I think Ruby means she should have walked away from the relationship back when she posted initially. Not walk away from today's discussion.
Formerly CSue
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I think Ruby means she should have walked away from the relationship back when she posted initially. Not walk away from today's discussion. Is that what you meant, Ruby?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
I should have run the other way. I could have spared myself heartache, I�m at work..checking in when I can. I�m sick over the whole thing. My stress level is making me physically ill. My holy cow was from reading the thread from 05. Yuck. I married the SOB in Dec. 05.
Last edited by ruby; 02/11/18 03:17 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I should have run the other way. I could have spared myself heartache, I�m at work..checking in when I can. I�m sick over the whole thing. My stress level is making me physically ill. My holy cow was from reading the thread from 05. Yuck. I married the SOB in Dec. 05. Ruby, what Dr Harley typically recommends in these situations is a complete separation, Plan B, until and unless your H makes a radical and demonstrated change in his lifestyle. As you can see, nothing has changed in all these years. The reason he makes this recommendation is because women suffer devastating emotional and physical harm from staying in marriages like this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I should have run the other way. I could have spared myself heartache, I’m at work..checking in when I can. I’m sick over the whole thing. My stress level is making me physically ill. My holy cow was from reading the thread from 05. Yuck. I married the SOB in Dec. 05. Sorry, I misunderstood. Disregard my last 2 posts.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I should have run the other way. I could have spared myself heartache, I’m at work..checking in when I can. I’m sick over the whole thing. My stress level is making me physically ill. My holy cow was from reading the thread from 05. Yuck. I married the SOB in Dec. 05. Ruby, what Dr Harley typically recommends in these situations is a complete separation, Plan B, until and unless your H makes a radical and demonstrated change in his lifestyle. As you can see, nothing has changed in all these years. The reason he makes this recommendation is because women suffer devastating emotional and physical harm from staying in marriages like this. Agree. Just want to add that your WH has been enabled for so so long that it is going to be very difficult for him to change his ways. Not only does he feel entitled to get his needs met outside of marriage, this has simply become a way of life for him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
I totally agree. But it�s too late for plan B. At this moment...I want out..... Screw the intensive if we are accepted....which I doubt we will be. The logistics are too hard to begin any extraordinary precautions on his end. He might be leaving on another trip around first of March.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I totally agree. But it�s too late for plan B. At this moment...I want out..... Screw the intensive if we are accepted....which I doubt we will be. The logistics are too hard to begin any extraordinary precautions on his end. He might be leaving on another trip around first of March. Plan B would be perfect for you regardless of your future intentions. The purpose of plan b is to protect your emotional and physical health. Staying in direct touch with him will keep you weak and heartsick. If you end contact with him completely, you will start to feel so much better. I did this with my XH after I remarried and it made an amazing difference in my life. I think it can have the same effect for you too. I simply sent him a message letting him know I was not interested in any communication in the future and to please not contact me again. If you do this, it will give you a chance to become emotionally healed and that will restore your judgement. Its hard to keep a clear head when you stay in contact.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
I haven�t seen him since Oct. 16. That�s when he left on this last trip. Though we�ve kept in touch via text or email only. If I added up all the total days I�ve seen him from Jan 5th of 2017 to date....under 60 days. I would leave when he came home. Drive home when he left on a trip.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I haven�t seen him since Oct. 16. That�s when he left on this last trip. Though we�ve kept in touch via text or email only. If I added up all the total days I�ve seen him from Jan 5th of 2017 to date....under 60 days. I would leave when he came home. Drive home when he left on a trip. I would work on ending all contact and getting separated. Do you still live together?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Also, is he supporting you? I would strongly suggest you reach out to an attorney and get financial protection in place. I don't know your financial situation, but you don't want to place yourself in a precarious situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
Do you have any children together?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
I�m going to tell our story. Will be a long post. Bare with me. I typed it early this a.m but didn�t post it. I copied it. Brb.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
But it�s too late for plan B. At this moment...I want out..... There is no too late when it comes to Plan B. It can be initiated at any time and has nothing to do with whether you intend to stay married or not. I initiated Plan B even though I knew for about 100% certainty that I was going to be pursuing a divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I know this was asked, but you never answered. Have you been tested for STD/STI?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
My H's job involves him being overseas from anywhere from 3 weeks to 5 months at a time with the Job he has now (5 year). 7 years before this job he was also traveling overseas but never gone more than 4 weeks...usually 2 to 3 weeks at a time. He hasn't been home to make extraordinary changes. This whole trickle down discovery begin in 2015 when I found an email where he'd been corresponding with a man regarding hooking up with me. he solicited me on Craigslist as though we were swingers. I asked him why he would ever do this. His response: I'd never act out on this. it's a fantasy. I'll never do it again.
He did do it again. I found another email in Nov of 16 soliciting me, only this time he had put links to my pictures..however when I clicked on them the link had been removed. Back to pictures ....my H had taken pics of me for years. He became obsessed with photography, I was his subject matter, cute pics, in between the risqu� ones. He wanted me to be more graphic and I�d comply. He,d spend hours on his laptop using his photography software. Pictures I thought were for his eyes only. Fun and playful between husband and wife. I had NO idea the depths of his violation and betrayals. I had no idea that I was feeding his addiction, none zero. I made/watched him delete every single picture of me off his laptop in Dec of 16. It pissed him off. I will never take another picture for him again ever.
I�m in shock, trying to process this. In disbelief. Asking why he would do this, his answer: it made him turned on that other men were wanting to be with me and insanely jealous. ...He left on Jan 5th of 17, this was the beginning of my asking questions. I asked him how long he has been putting my pictures on the internet to which I found out over 8 years. Who fn does this to the person they are supposed to cherish and protect? I found out that on these adult sites that he would be pretending to be me answering these men. I had no clue. What he did is a felony. In may of 17 I told him I wanted him to buy me out of this house. As well as compensate me for paying off his car, with money I�d made before marriage and had in savings. Came to 92 k. I actually took the money in late July at his insistence. Then got pissed because I did. In early September he went to one individual session with my therapist. His idea. She then saw us together one session. She said that we should take some time away from each other, didn�t have to be permanent, just to think about what we both want. As we we were at a stale mate.
Hurricane n August left all but 7 homes on our street spared by inches. We took a in couple, who flooded, the wife a dear friend. Stayed with us for a week. H and I were getting gas for generators when they called to let us know power was on. September He stopped pumping, paid, got in the car and told me to get the F out of his house, to get the neighbors out as soon as possible...he was horrible. Did I mention he is on horse steroids? Yep. Makes him crazy and hyper sexual. Hid that for a while too. Another thing I�ve asked him to get off of for the last few years. Anyhoo....I stayed for a few more days helping this couple tear out Sheetrock.
I left sept 4th. Stayed w my sister 280 miles away. II bought a condo in another state on September 22, cash. Returned hm 9/24. Bought With hopes that it would have been an investment property.But also as insurance for me to have a place to live if he doesn't get his [censored] together. While I was away I received hundreds of text telling me that he wanted me home so we could work things out that we can fix this. Professing his love devotion. The last week of September H tells me to get out of the house again and to quit slow rolling him, then the next day says it�s okay to stay. At this point I�m so sick of the constant yo-yo that I booked a U-Haul for the 12th. Loaded up and drove to the condo over the weekend of Oct 13-15 He texted me thousands of times to please "lets fix this" "I love you". But while he's telling me this via text, he hired a prostitute on the 14th she came to our marital home. My neighbor heard them in the hot tub. He denied denied denied that there was anyone at the house. He picked me up at the airport on Oct 15th. On October 16th a monday, his flight was at 7pm. He had a doctors appt that a.m. I asked him again to just tell me the truth who was here. Deny deny deny. He left for appt. I have no Idea what possessed me but I went through the garbage. I found his spent condom and her vaginal wipe in the kitchen garbage can.
I took that [censored], put it in a baggie and stuffed it in his slippers in his Packed bag. When he got home from his appointment he went and got out his slippers. He was busted. All he said was I don't want to be in a sexless marriage. I'd had sex with him on Thursday the 12th. He has never been in a sexless marriage. Anyway...No remorse, Zero. We basically didn't talk for the next 2 hours. He was watching t.v and started stroking his [censored] and asked me to service him. I can't make this crap up. I told him he needed to leave that moment...to go to his office to wait for his flight. He did. I contacted an attorney. H has agreed to the terms of an uncontested divorce. All I need to do is to Retain the attorney. I've been at my condo since Oct 23rd. H has consistently texted me to please come home so we can fix things....while at the same time buying bondage toys which I saw on the amazon account when I was buying Christmas presents for his son's child.
I had no idea that he began cheating on me with random strangers/prostitues until Feb 7th 2018 via an email he sent to me disclosing his indiscretions. He sent the disclosure because he knew he would have to tell me everything with the CSAT. I guess thinking that if he came clean then he wouldn't need to go to any sort of counseling. That we could go forward and put the past behind us. It doesn't work like that.
H got back home on Feb 9th, He'd begged me to not file...I haven't. He is the one who said he would do anything and everything to save our marriage. That remains to be seen. I am going to go to our marital home for 13 days. One day to have our phone consultation with the Therapist. If he takes our case on then I will stay to do the intensive. If he doesn't accept us....and my H doesn't show me a plan of what he is going to do to safe guard our marriage then I will go to the attorney and retain his services. I will know what I need to do in the next couple weeks. I have done everything in my power to try to save this marriage. The ball is in his court.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Did you have a question for us about Marriage Builders?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Ruby, are you reading our posts?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
He claims he wore a condom and I have had zero issues down there. I think the intensive requires testing.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Yes, I�m reading post. Melody lane, not really asking a question....apart from the original post which was pertaining to addiction. I don�t think at this point any program can save this marriage. I don�t think any amount of therapy can save this marriage. And I find myself right now scratching my head wondering ....why I�ve tried so hard for two years. Especially in 17. With the fresh disclosure on Wed feb 7th....why would I ever want him. I love him. We have had a blessed life. His more so as he had 2 . I�m very very sad.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Ruby, I think you have every right to walk away if you want to. Serial cheaters have reformed under Dr Hs conditions, but it's more grace than most people want to offer and that's more than understandable. I think seeing your old thread is making you look back over the list of resentments, instead of constantly chasing his bait, and if the long, long list of resentment is too much for you to let go; that's ok. No cheater is owed forgiveness. Particularly one who's refused it so often.
Either path, self recovery or marriage recovery, starts with plan b. So you don't have to make any final decision anyway. Just take care of yourself for now in plan b and gain strength to walk the path of your choice. The rest of it will reveal itself.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Thank you Indiegirl. Thank you all for listening and insight....and of course not sugar coating!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44 |
Ruby,
I am a sex addict who is recovering from my addiction and recovering my marriage. We have implemented many of the MB principles. My husband has access to my whereabouts and communication at all times. I have no idea how to help you with the away time that he spends for his job. IMO, he would have to quit that job. I would be glad to answer any questions you have about how we are recovering.....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I am going to go to our marital home for 13 days. One day to have our phone consultation with the Therapist. If he takes our case on then I will stay to do the intensive. If he doesn't accept us....and my H doesn't show me a plan of what he is going to do to safe guard our marriage then I will go to the attorney and retain his services. The plan you should expect him to present to you is one that involves mostly "counseling" and a plan that side-steps making real and meaningful changes - that is the MO of a serial cheater. This is the type of cheater that will do everything they can to convince you that they are going to change (act remorseful, loving, make a million promises) but not really make any changes - in your case he needs to give up his job, be with you 24/7 and not use the internet unless you are sitting right there with him, etc. You're going to hold his feet to the fire because these are skillful manipulators. I experienced it firsthand and I see it on these forums all the time.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Thanks SusieQ and Wifeofacoach.
I agree with what needs to be implemented. Yes yes yes. He is a master of manipulation, Our entire marriage has been a lie. He is a pathological liar, one would have to be to hide this secret life he's been living. He got sloppy in 2015 and that started to shine a light on the deceit.
Wifeofacoach, I'm so glad that you and your husband are recovering. Thanks for reaching out. Are you in a SA12 step group? If so, Is it only ladies or is it anyone who suffers? I ask because I think his committing to meetings and getting a sponsor are paramount. Do you agree? If you attend, has it helped you in your recovery as well as the MB principles?
SusieQ He's always bucked counseling. Thinks it a waste of money.
If a member here wished to talk to another member how do y'all go about exchanging phone numbers/emails etc?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44 |
EDIT
Moderator's Note: Please stop. You were emailed by a moderator this morning about violating our TOS. Please be sure to review the TOS and if you have questions, email us directly.
Last edited by PhoenixMB; 02/12/18 12:29 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44 |
EDIT
Moderator's note: Do NOT attempt to bypass our TOS by ask posters to post their email address for you.
Last edited by PhoenixMB; 02/12/18 12:24 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
yes, please send me your contact info. can you text it to me if I give you my number on here and then I'll delete the post?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
or if you are not comfy with that I will send you my info. I would LOVE to talk to you
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
as in post my email.
then delete
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44 |
you can try that....but the post may get deleted!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ruby, what Dr Harley has said about sex addicts anonymous is that he doesn't think they work. They don't HURT, but what will really change his behavior are the extraordinary precautions. Another thing to consider is that most 12 step groups are little more than pick up joints [I say this as a 33 year member of AA] so I would be absolutely caution against any co-ed groups if he does go.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
so what do I have to do to give you my contact info? If I can't post it on here?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44 |
try sending it and ill copy it down and then delete it
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Thank you!!!!
Last edited by ruby; 02/12/18 12:30 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 44 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
ty
Last edited by ruby; 02/12/18 12:35 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ruby, just so you know wifeofcoach is a long term serial cheater herself who recently had an affair in late 2017. [she has been here for 10 years and made no progress] One reason she never solved the issue is because she persistently blamed her childhood. [a classic tactic employed by cheaters] She doesn't agree with the much of the advice given by Dr Harley. I would really caution you about taking advice from a long term serial cheater. Dr Harley has a much better track record. Nor does he set up this board so people can lure posters in need off board to give their own unprofessional, personal wisdom.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
You should be ashamed of yourself. This is a free site that Dr Harley has available to help people implement his principles from his decades of work with couples. So you troll it to pick up vulnerable people to push your own agenda? Awful.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
ruby, wifeofacoach's last thread to us was regarding yet ANOTHER internet affair even though she was enrolled in the 12-step program.
We explained to her that she needed to change the conditions that led to her having affairs - which was to stay off the internet completely. If you read what Dr Harley posted in his sex addiction article that is what he recommends and that is what he recommends for a serial cheater who has repeated internet affairs.
She did NOT want to hear that and disappeared from that thread - and since then it's clear she is very angry at this forum.
If you feel you need more one on one conversation regarding your WH, please write to Dr Harley. Don't turn to a serial cheater who refuses to implement EPs. That is the last place you need to get advice from.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Okay! Thank you both. I didn't mean to go against the rules SusieQ. I am merely in so much anguish right now. I am sorry. I'm a whirlwind of emotions and distraught to my core.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Okay! Thank you both. I didn't mean to go against the rules SusieQ. I am merely in so much anguish right now. I am sorry. I'm a whirlwind of emotions and distraught to my core. Ruby, PLEASE reach out to Dr Harley directly. He will be happy to help you. Don't take advice from a long term serial cheater who hasn't been able to resolve her own problems in the 10 years she has been here. If you email Dr Harley and Mrs Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com they will help you for free.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Okay! Thank you both. I didn't mean to go against the rules SusieQ. I am merely in so much anguish right now. I am sorry. I'm a whirlwind of emotions and distraught to my core. I understand very much. I was married to a serial cheater who refused to protect me - and I got crushed again. I am very passionate about trying to help someone who stays with a serial cheater make sure appropriate EPs are implemented so that do not keep getting hurt. The last thing you want is a serial cheater who doesn't want to implement EPs helping you, please trust me on this. The fact that she went against the board rules when she knows very well it was wrong should tell you something about her character and integrity. Would you like me to post Dr Harley's email so that you can write in to the radio show? You don't actually have to go on the show if you don't want to - he will write you back and help you either way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Okay! Thank you both. I didn't mean to go against the rules SusieQ. I am merely in so much anguish right now. I am sorry. I'm a whirlwind of emotions and distraught to my core. Ruby, PLEASE reach out to Dr Harley directly. He will be happy to help you. Don't take advice from a long term serial cheater who hasn't been able to resolve her own problems in the 10 years she has been here. If you email Dr Harley and Mrs Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com they will help you for free. Cross post! 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Okay! Thank you both. I didn't mean to go against the rules SusieQ. I am merely in so much anguish right now. I am sorry. I'm a whirlwind of emotions and distraught to my core. Ruby, PLEASE reach out to Dr Harley directly. He will be happy to help you. Don't take advice from a long term serial cheater who hasn't been able to resolve her own problems in the 10 years she has been here. If you email Dr Harley and Mrs Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com they will help you for free. Cross post! yep! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
ruby I am sitting here thinking about it and when a person is this angry at the forum, it is typically because they are engaged in an actual affair.
If you are emailing with wifecoach, please please proceed with caution. To put it another way, it is NORMAL for a fogged out wayward to dislike EPs and to be angry with posters here who support Dr Harley's program (designed to prevent more affairs).
Last edited by SusieQ; 02/12/18 01:38 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
His contact info is on the website?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
His contact info is on the website?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Did you see the email address I posted? mbradio@marriagebuilders.com That goes to Mrs Harley and she and Dr Harley will consult and give you feedback.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
thanks ladies. I'm going to breathe for a while. appreciate all the input. Heading to my marital home in a.m. Nervous, anxious...scared. Probably won't be on the site for a few days.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Then you might be quite drained next time you log in. Hold on to whatever energy you can with the knowledge that you have a plan to implement.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Thanks Indiegirl. Packing up the car/dog 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Did you get a chance to write to Dr Harley?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
No SusieQ I've gone no contact, STBX is not motivated to work on himself, much less our marriage. I filed for Divorce when I was in Houston. I am staying my course. I am back at my condo in another state but will be returning to the marital home when he leaves on the 28th to take care of loose ends...taxes and signing the papers when they are ready. He will sign when he gets back stateside in Late April or early May. I've let go. I know that I will be okay and with each passing day I will heal.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Good for you, Ruby!! I believe you made the right choice. I am relieved to hear this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Thanks ML. The no contact is extremely hard. It's how we have communicated our entire marriage with his traveling for weeks on end. The contact we've had over the last few months has mainly been dribble...the weather, what ya eating....trivial stuff...so needless to say, I am having some major Dt's I'm not sure if there is a resource here with help with no contact....if so please post it. This is very difficult.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
Thanks ML. The no contact is extremely hard. It's how we have communicated our entire marriage with his traveling for weeks on end. The contact we've had over the last few months has mainly been dribble...the weather, what ya eating....trivial stuff...so needless to say, I am having some major Dt's I'm not sure if there is a resource here with help with no contact....if so please post it. This is very difficult. Good job!! How are you maintaining NC? Did you block his number or get an IM?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Ruby what amazing news! My own NC tips are:
1) Blocking is key. Well done for getting started but keep going. New number and email address that he can't access from an unknown number, be prepared to throw away mail unopened, get an intermediary (there's a thread on here somewhere) and block your friends from passing messages. Literally hang up on them.
2) Keep busy. What kind of stuff hasn't been getting done while the life has been getting drained out of you? What dreams big and small can you go after now you don't have an anchor weighing you down? Every weekend now needs to be planned ahead.
3) Treat both alcohol and men like they are nuclear devices.
4) This may be a me-thing but funny movies, pedicures and girls nights in got me further than anything else.
5) pack away momentos and photos, don't moon over his horoscope, and snap an elastic band on your wrist every time you slip into 'what if' land.
6) Keep on logging in for support and accountability. If you slip up, you'll have to confess to us. If you don't confess we can tell anyway. This last one was the only thing that kept me in line one crazy night.
Oh and welcome to your new life!
Last edited by indiegirl; 03/01/18 04:22 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
The IM training thread is in here in the Plan B Correctly thread.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Thanks Indiegirl and brainhurts. I'm not doing NC because I am in hopes of saving the marriage. I'm doing NC to protect myself, self care...I am just ready for this to be totally over with so I can close this 14 year chapter of my life. Thanks for all the support...and of course all the support you give to others on this website/forum.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
That is exactly the reason that everyone should do NC. Regardless of what they later decide. I think you'll do great.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 275 |
Jus wanted to update . On July 3rd, I became officially divorced. The last 18 months have been absolutely gut wrenching. In February, I received an email disclosure of my husbands infidelity. 6 women 2 prostitutes. Fast forward to May, I have basically been house sitting for my husband since feb 28th as he was traveling abroad for over 4 months. When he got home, I was packing up to leave and he asked me to please hold off on the divorce. That he would begin therapy. He went for 10 sessions, he really liked her and was getting a lot out of the session.
In a conversation, he asked me what I needed to fix things. Told him I needed him to take a polygraph so there were no more lies or deceit and if he told me everything in his first disclosure, then he wouldn�t have a problem. He refused. He went to a therapy session on the following day. Then told me she wanted to see us both the next day. I wasn�t prepared....I wasn�t prepared to have him give me a full disclosure....it was done so wrong. But, the truth set him free. 22....22 women, most in the last 7 years of our marriage. Not emotional affairs, just sex with basically random strangers he hooked up with on dating sites. Sick...so sick this man is. Anyway, though he was going to therapy he did none of the things the therapist said were imperative in making me feel safe before leaving on his next trip abroad. That was it....I demanded he meet me to sign the uncontested divorce papers on jun 18th. He did, he left on his trip on 20th. He returns on 15th. Staying here till 14th. Enjoying the last couple weeks....of the yard I made into an oasis, the pool that I kept spotless....I�m am at such amazing peace.....knowing he is no longer my problem, at peace knowing his addiction, his sickness is no longer my problem.
God has lead through this....I am so thankful for his blessings.....and I�m also thankful that the divorce was amicable....and my ex-husband and I are friends.
That�s it....thanks for reading and carry on.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2 |
I�m am at such amazing peace.....knowing he is no longer my problem, at peace knowing his addiction, his sickness is no longer my problem.
God has lead through this....I am so thankful for his blessings.....and I�m also thankful that the divorce was amicable....and my ex-husband and I are friends.
That�s it....thanks for reading and carry on. Well done Ruby and congratulations on getting this done quickly and efficiently. Now please stay in Plan B for the rest of your life. No being 'friends with your XH'. That will destroy your peace in a heartbeat.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I'm doing NC to protect myself, self care... Glad to hear you were able to get free, Ruby. Don't forget to keep this up so you can maintain your peace and recover.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Anyway, though he was going to therapy he did none of the things the therapist said were imperative in making me feel safe before leaving on his next trip abroad. I don't know what the therapist was recommending, but there's simply no way you could feel safe in a marriage with nights apart like that. Especially nights apart in separate countries. Especially nights apart when your husband has a history of offensive sexual behavior. If there are any rare exceptions to this in the world they aren't situations where one spouse has a history of infidelity or sex addiction.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
986
guests, and
73
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
