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Hello, I am new to this site. I have read a lot of the letters and info to follow. I had an affair for month. I have cut it off completely and I want to work on my marriage. Problem is that my wife is still very angry at me and won't let me back in to try and work this out. I have said that I am not giving up and I am going to fight for her love for as long as I have to. I just don't know how long she will be mad and if or when she will allow us to work on our marriage. Any guidance or words of advice would be much appreciated.

I am struggling because I love and miss my wife a great deal and I want her back.

Thank you.

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Hi Jason, welcome to Marriage Builders. How long have you been married? Any children?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Going on 18 years in June. Two kids. A sophomore and a freshman. We have been together for 20 years this March. Any suggestions would be appreciated. My wife asked for some space to get past the anger before we can even figure out where to go from there. I don�t believe she wants to get a divorce at least i hope so. I want to work and be a better husband and i want is to be a stronger couple.

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Did you move out? Does your family know about the affair? Do you have any contact now with your affair partner? When was the last time you saw or spoke to the OW? Is the OW married? If so, does her spouse know?

What do you think led to your affair? Do you travel away from home?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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jason79 Offline OP
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The kids don�t know the details. My wife knows everything. I moved out when we separated when the affair started. I have zero contact with the OW. OW is not married.
What led to the affair, after talking to my counselor it was some lack of affection and a lack of communication on my part. I haven�t spoke to the OW for a month now. I have zero desire to speak to her again. I want to focus on my wife and my kids. I really want our marriage to work. I feel she wants to work on our marriage.

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Where did you move when you moved out for your affair? In with the OW? What is your living arrangement now? When you moved out to have your affair, what reason did you give your wife? Is this your first affair?

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What led to the affair, after talking to my counselor it was some lack of affection and a lack of communication on my part.

Do you understand the affair occurred because of your poor boundaries with women? Your wife could have met your needs 100% and you would have still had an affair if you allowed another woman to meet your needs. I am concerned that you may have blamed your affair on your wife, which will naturally lead to resentment and preclude recovery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I live with a friend of mine. I have blamed the whole situation on myself. I do not blame my wife at all. First And only time. . I am not interested in anybody else but my wife. I have come the conclusion after reflection that i truly love my wife and that i am working to be a better man. I just want the opportunity to show my wife that i can be better and that i can make her happy as long as we live.

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How did you meet the OW? Have you changed all your contact information so OW can�t contact you?


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have cut her off completely. No contact at all. No email and no cell phone contact. My wife has access to everything. I am being totally transparent.

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Originally Posted by jason79
I live with a friend of mine. I have blamed the whole situation on myself. I do not blame my wife at all. First And only time. . I am not interested in anybody else but my wife. I have come the conclusion after reflection that i truly love my wife and that i am working to be a better man. I just want the opportunity to show my wife that i can be better and that i can make her happy as long as we live.


Jason, we can help you fix your marriage if your wife is willing. Marriage Builders is completely different from other programs in that the objective is to create romantic love in your marriage in addition to affair proofing it.

When you say this:
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after talking to my counselor it was some lack of affection and a lack of communication on my part
it very much comes across as if you are blaming her. So I would caution you about even saying things like that. Yes, we understand there was probably a lack of affection and conversation in your marriage but that did not cause the affair. What we can do is show you how to create a marriage where both your needs are met and you are in love.

Will she come here? What is holding her back from trying?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here is the program in a nutshell, followed by the extraordinary precautions checklist:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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jason79 Offline OP
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I have given all of the details and i have cut off the relationship completely. I just need to wait and see if my wife is willing to work on our marriage. I sure hope she is because i am all in to make it Work.

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**EDIT**

moderators note: Jason, I removed your address. The post from Dr Harley above was an email to a client who contacted him directly. Sorry for the misunderstanding...

Last edited by Denali; 03/05/18 10:29 PM.
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How did you meet the OW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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She works at the same school i work at. Our positions don�t ever come into contact unless we want them to. I have zero contact with her.

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Originally Posted by jason79
She works at the same school i work at. Our positions don�t ever come into contact unless we want them to. I have zero contact with her.

That will absolutely prevent recovery. You have the ability to see your OW every day at work. You realize this will never work, right?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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jason79 Offline OP
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Yes. Working on a transfer with my principal.

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Originally Posted by jason79
Yes. Working on a transfer with my principal.

That's great! Will your wife come here and let us help her? Many of us have been through this and have great marriages today. We can help you both.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What do you mean come here? Where�s here?

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