Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by jason79
I understand. I will do my best on getting her on the site to heal and get some help. I am totally open to the full on check ups that you speak of. i welcome them. Yes, her and the kids will be moving into the new house at the end of April. About the same distance from the OW.
Have you been tested for STDs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jason79
I understand. I will do my best on getting her on the site to heal and get some help. I am totally open to the full on check ups that you speak of. i welcome them. Yes, her and the kids will be moving into the new house at the end of April. About the same distance from the OW.

Honestly, this is a disaster. In order for your marriage to ever recover you are going to have to move away. I want to clarify what indiegirl meant when she said "Even if you survive an encounter with OW" because you won't. Every encounter will put you back to Day 1 of recovery., Every day you walk out the door could be the day you resume your affair because your feelings will be perpetually triggered by seeing her.

It is imperative you sit down with your wife and explain what it will take to save your marriage. You will not be able to sweep this under the rug and carry on as usual. You won't make it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
J
jason79 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
Brain Hurts - Yes. I'm clean

MelodyLane - I completely understand.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by jason79
I understand. I will do my best on getting her on the site to heal and get some help. I am totally open to the full on check ups that you speak of. i welcome them. Yes, her and the kids will be moving into the new house at the end of April. About the same distance from the OW.

Honestly, this is a disaster. In order for your marriage to ever recover you are going to have to move away. I want to clarify what indiegirl meant when she said "Even if you survive an encounter with OW" because you won't. Every encounter will put you back to Day 1 of recovery., Every day you walk out the door could be the day you resume your affair because your feelings will be perpetually triggered by seeing her.

It is imperative you sit down with your wife and explain what it will take to save your marriage. You will not be able to sweep this under the rug and carry on as usual. You won't make it.

Yeah exactly. You might not immediately skip up to her or go home with her but you won't be able to escape the triggers of such an encounter.

Nor will your wife. Since you need to persuade her to get away from OW you might want to have this discussion about how disgusted she would be by reminders. Don't use words like cordial to describe such potential encounters!.

How exactly is she going to feel if she runs into her in the supermarket? Really?

How will she feel if she hears YOU ran into her at the supermarket?

If she tries to brazen it out with descriptions of how she thinks she *should* feel, then lead the way and describe how YOU would feel triggered. This is the worst thing you've ever done. You don't want to run smack bang into it again and again.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
J
jason79 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
Thank you so much for helping me with wording in conversations. I have really been trying to take into account the situation as a whole and put everything on me and really try to be considerate of her and her feelings. So thank you for your help and guidance. I sent her the link again to get into a forum and talk to people that have actually been through these situations. I don't know if she has accessed it at all. She talks to a friend of hers who has never been married and has a very negative perspective of everything and I don't believe she is a very good support for my wife. Then again maybe she is. I don't know.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
From experience, and what I've seen of advice given to others...

If people haven't gone through betrayal, they don't get it. It can actually be quite annoying and deeply upsetting to have people tell you how you *should* feel and I am talking about people I love, still love, who were successfully married and who were supportive and positive. They do get it now!

There is absolutely nothing else out there like this site. Dr H is the Einstein of infidelity and the personal experiences of vets here is unparalleled.

I hope she checks out the link. She'd have to have no sense of curiosity not to.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jason79
Thank you so much for helping me with wording in conversations. I have really been trying to take into account the situation as a whole and put everything on me and really try to be considerate of her and her feelings. So thank you for your help and guidance. I sent her the link again to get into a forum and talk to people that have actually been through these situations. I don't know if she has accessed it at all. She talks to a friend of hers who has never been married and has a very negative perspective of everything and I don't believe she is a very good support for my wife. Then again maybe she is. I don't know.

I don't think your wife will take her advice if she is giving her bad advice. At the end of the day, your wife has too much to lose. What does she do for a living?

In the meantime, I would keep fighting for your wife and keep sending her letters. Be as loving as possible and tell her you desperately miss her. She needs to be reassured that you value her over this skanky OW. [sorry, but she is a skank, no other way to describe a woman who fools around with a married man]


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
J
jason79 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
I agree. The words I choose now for conversation are very careful as to never tell my wife how to feel. I just validate and let her know that I am fighting for her everyday.

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
J
jason79 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
My wife is an instructional assistant for special needs students. I told her this morning that she is what I am fighting for and that I have done a lot of research and reading and counseling sessions to better myself. I can truly say that I am a different man than i was just 3 months ago. By no means do I feel that I am done with my journey of self discovery and betterment. That will be an ongoing process for the rest of my life. In order to make my wife happy and be the man that she deserves I feel I need to do that not only for me but for her also. No need to be sorry about the "skank" comment. I understand that also.

My old football coach use to say to us , " Falling is not failing, failing to get up is failing" I am going to get up everyday and fight for the love of my wife, because I know deep down that I love and miss her terribly.

Indiegirl and Melody Lane - I can't thank you enough for your words of guidance, honesty and encouragement.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650



Originally Posted by jason79
I agree. The words I choose now for conversation are very careful as to never tell my wife how to feel. I just validate and let her know that I am fighting for her everyday.

Superb.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I don't think your wife will take her advice if she is giving her bad advice. At the end of the day, your wife has too much to lose.

I so agree. Her wariness with you has signalled to me that she's a smart cookie who will hold you to account and who takes infidelity seriously. I would be quite hopeless if she belonged to the more desperate variety we see sometimes. I think she would see the sense in the plans here and they would suit her style.

Originally Posted by jason79
My wife is an instructional assistant for special needs students. .

Oh cool, me too.

I'm going to take a stab at this: she doesn't get paid much, its super rewarding work and it gives her time to focus on family


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
J
jason79 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
She does love her job but yes it doesn�t make very much money. I hope she feels that she has too much to lose. It�s so hard right now because i have learned so much about myself and relationships in the past month in reading and listening and talking to u guys. I just want to show her how i have changed and what i can offer. I know i can be better and never fall into the trap of infidelity again. I need to stay the course for as long as that takes.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
There are some married people who treat marriage like a side project while they focus on other things, but I am guessing your wife is one of those who has really invested in her marriage. She won't be coming back for lack of money, but because she doesn't want to see her investment and plans go up in smoke.

I think Melody Lane hit it on the head when she said she'd have a lot to lose. She won't follow an investment that's gone bad, but make her an offer she can't refuse and she'll likely go for it.

One thing about her line of work is that it's usually in demand (She can get a job quickly anywhere) and her salary would probably float you for a while as you were looking? Theoretically?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
J
jason79 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
I believe we both have a lot to lose. I am having a real tough time trying to be patient. If i force anything it won�t work. I have been totally transparent about everything and i continue to be. I feel like everything i do is not helping. I also feel like i need to do more but i am not sure what that is. I sent her another letter and will continue to do things like that and let her know that i am fighting for her and for our marriage.
Her check would not be able to float our groceries let alone all the other bills we have. Money is a tough thing right now also. All i want is to show her how much I�ve learned and changed. I have listened to a couple of Dr Harley�s books. Been good for me It will only help me if i get to show her.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
How often do you see her? What about the kids? Do you see them on a regular schedule? Are you able to meet any of her needs? What are her top ENs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jason79
I believe we both have a lot to lose. I am having a real tough time trying to be patient. If i force anything it won�t work. I have been totally transparent about everything and i continue to be. I feel like everything i do is not helping. I also feel like i need to do more but i am not sure what that is. I sent her another letter and will continue to do things like that and let her know that i am fighting for her and for our marriage.
Her check would not be able to float our groceries let alone all the other bills we have. Money is a tough thing right now also. All i want is to show her how much I�ve learned and changed. I have listened to a couple of Dr Harley�s books. Been good for me It will only help me if i get to show her.

Jason, what has been her reaction to you? What is stopping her from trying to recover your marriage? Does she want a divorce? Are you seeing your kids? How often and where?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I think your wife is probably in shock and is waiting for someone to hand her back her old life. She's waiting for trust to materialise.

She doesn't know what to do, so she watches you very carefully but doesn't act.

She's on the rollercoaster that everyone familiar with betrayal knows about. One day she wants divorce, next day she wants things the way they were.

But this inactivity won't help her.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
J
jason79 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
Well she told me this weekend that she is out of chances. So then i asked her if she was going to file for divorce and she told me that she wanted to be separated. She is still very angry with me.
She also asked if i was going to run back to the OW now. O told her no and that i wasn�t going to stop fighting for her even though i feel like it�s a lost cause.
Why would she be concerned if i was going to run back to the OW if she is done with me? It�s confusing me.
I see her everyday and i see my kids everyday also.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jason79
Well she told me this weekend that she is out of chances. So then i asked her if she was going to file for divorce and she told me that she wanted to be separated. She is still very angry with me.
She also asked if i was going to run back to the OW now. O told her no and that i wasn’t going to stop fighting for her even though i feel like it’s a lost cause.
Why would she be concerned if i was going to run back to the OW if she is done with me? It’s confusing me.
I see her everyday and i see my kids everyday also.

Jason, just stay the course and keep trying. As the sting wears off she will warm up to you if you keep trying. A betrayed wife needs to see that her husband is willing to fight for it.

Also, I can't emphasize this enough that you MUST find another job out of that school. You cannot EVER see the OW again. That threat needs to be removed from your wife.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
J
jason79 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 75
I�m not going to quit as hard as this is. I will continue to fight for her. Thank you for the positive thinking.
Yes i agree. I am trying now to become a principal at an elementary school that will get me away from the OW completely.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by jason79
I�m not going to quit as hard as this is. I will continue to fight for her. Thank you for the positive thinking.
Yes i agree. I am trying now to become a principal at an elementary school that will get me away from the OW completely.
While you�re trying to get out of that job are you trying to meet her ENs? What are her top ENs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5