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Joined: Mar 2018
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Hi All

I've been back lurking and reading for a while now.

I see a few familiar old names are still here.

So my story is thus:

I was divorced the first time in 2000, I was BW he was WH.

I remarried in 2009, 10 years after my first divorce.

I thought he was everything I had ever looked for and wanted in a life partner, how wrong was I.

The marriage has been filled with very bad arguments, screaming/shouting arguments, definitely AO's, many many DJ's on both our parts, verbal abuse to my myself and my children, who are now thankfully 23 and 20, and both out of the house due to the toxic atmosphere.

At one point years ago he made the following statement in an argument 'I'm not paying one more f***ing cent for your f***ing kids.' At that point, we separated joint funds and it became his/mine, with bills etc paid jointly. He now says 'I've spent tens of thousands educating your kids, putting a roof over your kids heads' and similar. Yes, he did, up to a point and it was used against them in every way.

The relationship deteriorated to such a point that the only communication was a discussion re what we would have for dinner, were we doing the grocery shopping on the weekend etc. Sex was non existent and had been for years (4 at least). Evenings were spent in front of the television, no communication or the very minimum but relatively 'peaceful' because there was no communication. He thinks everything was fine at this point.

I didn't try any longer to discuss my unhappiness, or suggestions re how I thought we could fix things. Everything was my fault, or my children's fault. He told me repeatedly he gave up EVERYTHING to move states and marry me.

After too many arguments to count, he would say things like 'that's it, i'm done, i'm moving back to .....' and would take off his wedding ring.

It got to the point where when he said he was leaving I told him where the door was, and the last time he took his wedding ring off I kept it and threw it away.

(he asked where the ring was about 2 years ago as he wanted to wear it again because it made him look respectable) Of course he now says he didn't say that. That is common for him, he drops a verbal nuclear bomb then walks away from it and says he never said that or 'that' never happened.

We separated July 2016, and I moved out. I was gone for approx. 15 months. In that time, we continued to see each other, he would pick me up for work every morning, bring me coffee, we would work on our home doing some renovating every weekend. Neither of us (as far as I know) saw anyone else.

Believe it or not, he could also be utterly charming, dependable and loving.

So, I moved back in Oct 2017. We had a lovely holiday away, and came home to pretty much the same stuff straight away. sigh.

It's not his fault, he didn't say that, he didn't mean it 'that' way, I have to get over it, I'm insecure blah blah blah...

Even with the children moved out of home, every opportunity is taken to blame them for something, or some smart dig about them or my parenting. Or my financial management. I had my own house prior to meeting him, and was doing fine. His take on that was that I couldn't afford that and would have gone broke.

I had read his phone one day unbeknownst to him and saw some pretty horrific sexting between him and an old 'friend' who used to work for him. She had even posted video's of herself (I'm sure you understand what I mean here).
Of course I confronted him straight away, told him he was disgusting, why was he spending time with me when he was doing that with someone else etc etc.

I should make it clear I hadn't moved home at that stage when I read those messages. His excuse was 'he believed he was separated and not working on the marriage anymore, because that was what I had told him. (true after a particularly nasty argument again). He looked sick, & scared when I confronted, and I have never been so angry in my life. How dare he spend time with me, nice time I might add, and all the while be doing that. He told me it was just one time of sexting, ie, it wasn't over a period of days/weeks/months. Like - how do you go from not speaking to someone for 10 years to lets sext.

Yeah - nah..... but he continues to say this to this day.

So, he upped the ante to get me to come home and stupidly I fell for it. I was really hoping and wishing he had managed to do some self introspection, and possibly see character failings that he could work on. I had been working on my failings for the last 15 months.

Nope, I was the only one with those failings; he hasn't done anything wrong because he hasn't hit me or my children, says there was no verbal abuse (gosh, I respectfully disagree here but I guess it could be subjective if you were brought up differently). A favourite thing of mine to say was the following - if you wouldn't say it in front of my mum and dad, then you shouldn't say it to me.

Anyway, final dealbreaker, I had a recording device in my bag that fell out and was left in his car.

After an argument on the way to work, and I've gotten out of the car, it records him saying the following:

yeah f*** off you f****ing POS

f***ing c***t, I can't believe they don't sack the f***ing c***t.... (meaning me. wow that hurt, have never been sacked, reprimanded or HR'd in my life)

and there was more. I heard it 3 days before my birthday. I will also say the argument that prompted such a response was such a stupid argument, wasn't about anything major, and certainly did not warrant that reaction.

But that was it. I told him I heard him say that, and that I wanted a divorce. I could not, and would not, be married to someone who would say that.
His response - I'm sorry you heard that. you know I don't think you're a POS. You bugged my car. I'm a nervous wreck, not knowing what else you have done to my phone; I have to watch every word I say.. etc etc etc

So, where am I now, a month later. He's trying to get finance to pay me out but seems to be dragging his feet. I spoke to a finance person yesterday who said on the surface of what I told him re finances he would probably get it. But obviously he would need to speak to husband. Other option is sell. His anger with that would be huge. He's very status oriented, loves to tell everyone where we live (it's nice and sought after) and loves to tell everyone that my girls went to private schools, i.e. implying he paid for that (doesn't that make me sick when I know the truth....)

I didn't mean this to be so long, apologies.

Thanks for reading and any feedback would be great.






1st divorce 2000 me BW
2nd divorce - soon - LB's, AO, blended family & unmet needs
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Hi, G&P. What an awful story. I'm so sorry to hear it. It sounds as if you've been very unhappy for a long time in this marriage.

What, specifically, are you looking for feedback on? The financial issues that you raise at the end of this post?

What was your posting name 20 years ago?


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His PA 2003-2006
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Hi SugarCane,

I think I remember you from 20 years ago !

I was Bonnet 20 years ago, but couldn't log in using that this time around, old email address I think.

Just looking for support and/or validation for my decision I think.

Even after everything, I still have feelings for him.

I never wanted to be twice divorced, but I can see absolutely no way through this.

He has done nothing wrong, has only ever been supportive, is not verbally abusive, rewrites our history, says things didn't happen blah blah blah.

Thanks for responding


1st divorce 2000 me BW
2nd divorce - soon - LB's, AO, blended family & unmet needs
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Welcome back and so sorry that this has happened. Did your H ever know about MB?

Do you know what Plan B is?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi Brainhurts

thanks! frown

No, he doesn't know about MB. We did do counselling (and I agree with all comments about the counsellors).

He attended a few times with me, and 2 sessions on his own.

He has said he will never go back to any type of counselling because and I quote 'there is nothing wrong with him, his attitudes or what he does'.

And I believe him that he does think that.

He 'charmed' the counsellor, didn't tell the whole truth and I was worn out by that stage because every time I did try and say 'that's not quite correct & give the background' the topic was changed. It was like groundhog day talking anything with him.

Even after everything I posted the above, which is only 10% of it, he still does not believe he EVER did anything wrong. He said it again last night.

He has said I have issues from my past, and I should get some help.

I just want to be able to have a conversation or a discussion about things that does not descend into a full blown yelling argument, swearing and him listing all my faults.

I do know about Plan B, and will be going to that as soon as he has paid me out or the house is sold.

At the moment, I'm looking for a job, so I have no prospects of renting.

I also don't want to leave the house because I think he'll drag the process out even longer.

It's already been a month since I told him I wanted a divorce which he agreed to.

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.


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Originally Posted by Guide & Protect
I do know about Plan B, and will be going to that as soon as he has paid me out or the house is sold.

At the moment, I'm looking for a job, so I have no prospects of renting.

I also don't want to leave the house because I think he'll drag the process out even longer.

It's already been a month since I told him I wanted a divorce which he agreed to.
.

Hi Guide, I can see your prior thread here Bonnet's thread but you have probably noticed that the forum has changed massively since you were last here. It follows Dr Harley's concepts far more strictly and indeed, his ideas have been refined over the last 20 years.

You should not wait until he has paid you out or the house sold to implement Plan B. He will drag his feet for the next 20 years if he has any clue that this is your plan. Please understand that you are his victim and he gets his high out of controlling you. That is why he was super nice when you left him and went back to his bad habits the moment you returned.

There is no reason why you cannot implement Plan B as soon as you are ready. Do not tell him anything, just quietly make your plans. Changing the locks is trivial, you take out the old tumblers and replace them with new. All you need is a screwdriver and five minutes. If you think he might break in after you have done this, consider putting a simple burglar alarm on the house. You need to find out your state rules on claiming residence. In my state, the person paying the utility bills is the party protected from unlawful eviction.

If he comes to the house, do not let him in. Call the police and say you have a trespasser. When they arrive have your paperwork ready. They will tell him that he needs to apply to the court for access.

Keep coming back here for advice until you get this sorted out.


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Thanks Living Well,

WOW, that Bonnet post brought back some memories. And those names, I wonder where they are all now. I made friends with CC7315, and we are still friends to this day. We have visited each other (she's in the US & I'm in Australia) and we have another trip planned for September, where we will catch up with Lori also. This site was amazing back then, and is still so. Yes, very different now, but still so valuable.

I really can't / won't change the locks, I'm afraid that will tip him over the edge. His verbal rage is bad enough, I don't want to push him into anything more. I'm not even sure of the legality of that here, we have very different laws to you.

He mentioned this morning he 'can't live like this anymore, it has to be sorted or he'll be hanging from a tree'.

I simply replied, 'I agree, I would like it sorted asap also'.

That then turned into a tirade re everything I've said in the past, 'how can I say those things about him, do I know what it does to him mentally, my whole family hates him,,,,' oh I could go on.

I mentioned this morning that I could not and would not be married to a man who thought and said I was a POS, and a c***t
(I STILL cannot believe he said those things, and yes, it still hurts)

When it got to the point where he was verbally attacking my children again, (they don't live here & weren't a part of the conversation although it's nothing they haven't heard before I ashamed to say) I drew the line in the sand and told him the conversation was over and that I would NOT have that discussion re my children again.

We have a valuer coming to the house today at noon, which means his application for refinance is progressing. I have started packing up my things today, putting into boxes etc.

Hopefully I will hear about a job today, fingers crossed.

I will read all I can today again re Plan B, and refresh my memory. There will be no reason at all for our paths to ever cross again.

He has no idea about MB, or Plan B, and does not know that this will be my course of action.

I am so ready for Plan B, this man has had numerous 'chances', too many, & he still continues to verbally hurt. I'm done.

Thanks again


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks Brain, will read now


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Originally Posted by Guide & Protect
He mentioned this morning he 'can't live like this anymore, it has to be sorted or he'll be hanging from a tree'.
Blackmailers rarely act on their threats, they will lose leverage/control. If you think he really is suicidal, call the police.

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Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Originally Posted by Guide & Protect
He mentioned this morning he 'can't live like this anymore, it has to be sorted or he'll be hanging from a tree'.
Blackmailers rarely act on their threats, they will lose leverage/control. If you think he really is suicidal, call the police.

I so agree with this ^^^^. My XH bought himself an entire new wardrobe of black clothes when I told him I was filing for divorce. Covered the house in white lilies. The idea was to scare me into backing off. I just rolled my eyes and kept going.

It has now been 11 years since I filed and he still is dragging me through the courts by refusing to divide the marital assets. My lawyer says he will never let go. Fortunately I am in Plan B so I don't care.



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You can change the locks on your property everywhere without it being a legal issue, but he probably has the right to break back in.

If he is aggressive and frightening you, you might need to call a violence helpline for advice on making a safe escape/police help QUICKLY. They do give advice on verbal abuse and the way he talks to you does have some warning signs they'd recognise.

I don't think appeasement and keeping your doors unlocked will keep you safe though. I would move quickly on this. Legal and domestic violence advice stat.

The suicide threat is the classic bluff of a controlling psycho and you should call it. Call the emergency services every time just like you would if he were a stranger.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.


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