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Originally Posted by jason79
I�m not going to quit as hard as this is. I will continue to fight for her. Thank you for the positive thinking.
Yes i agree. I am trying now to become a principal at an elementary school that will get me away from the OW completely.

Promising! How long will that take?

How far away from OW will it take you?

As you can see from DWs current stance, she's not done with you but she IS unsure of you. This is mostly caused by the feeling that OW is in the wings as revealed by her telling comment.

And she is not wrong. OW is very close to hand.

How are your kids likely to feel staying at a school with OW and her kids? That would distress me in your kids shoes. Even if OW and co were to go It was ground zero for the affair. It keeps bad memories and a bad atmosphere of OW constantly present amongst your family.

Do you think your wife would consult Dr H about the effects of this fall out? Of the measures needed to help them? I get the impression that she wants your focus on their well-being and she wants actions from you which reject any contact with OW.

I would like to see all your family far away from OW.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Brain Hurts - She will not really speak to me right now so that makes it difficult to meet any needs. Also I am still sleeping on a couch at my friends house. Her top need is quality time and conversation, so that is tough to meet when she doesn't want me there right now.

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Indiegirl - Depending on which Elementary it is it could take me at least 20 or so miles away. I hope you are right that she is not done with me. My kids like the school and Are excited about being Junior and sophomore next year. OW 's kid is graduating in June and will be gone.
I don't know if she would consult with Dr. H - I did download his book his needs her needs on Audible. I gave her the password so she can access the info. That book has a lot in it about the important needs and if they are not met, and how you can meet them and things like that. I have listened to it a lot. I hope she listens to it. I don't feel that I was equipped with the knowledge of communication of needs that the book talks about. I wish I had listened to that book months ago.
I continue to let her know where I am and what I am doing. I am going to email her the site again.

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Have you read Surviving an Affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brainy is right, you're reading the wrong book for your situation. HNHN is great for non infidelity situations but you can't talk about any of that stuff you've learned with your wife. Talking to her about better communicating with her on how she could meet your needs would NOT go down well, I'm sure you can imagine.

SAA focuses more on boundaries with the opposite sex and paying just compensation. This is what you need right now.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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jason79 Offline OP
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I haven�t talked to her about any of that stuff. There are a couple chapters on affairs those are the ones I�ve listened to. I just purchased the SAA. Haven�t started listening yet.

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Originally Posted by jason79
I haven't talked to her about any of that stuff. ...
Good. Like Indie said, your needs are about the last thing she wants to hear about from you right now.

Also, you'll read some stuff in SAA that may make sense to you as an explanation of how you let yourself get into an affair. It'll help you get your own head straight. But don't even think about going there with your wife anytime soon, because while an explanation isn't an excuse, the one can sound a lot like the other.

You've got a tougher hill to climb than I had, because you're out of the house. So I don't have much to offer you yet. You need to figure out what needs of hers you can meet, even if it's stuff like chores or help with the kids. You need to be at her service, and communicating no expectations of her.

But the biggest thing is making yourself seem like a less emotionally-risky choice for her, and that means verifiably putting physical distance between you and the OW, and between you and the risks of accidental or deliberate contact.

Good luck.






Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I'm so pleased Glove Oil is here!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Can you give an update?

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He fell off the wagon, didn't he? So disappointing...


BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3

D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18

DD 2: 2/14/20

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