So this is the issue. Everything else is you trying to distract yourself from a scary problem.

Are you saving up because it would be physically unsafe to leave? Because depression is no joke. This marriage is making you unwell. Even without him lifting a finger.

Go see a lawyer today about financial support during a separation. If you were to tell people about the physical abuse would they be able to support you in safely kicking him out?

I agree that you can't be radically honest with a physically unsafe person, but he's going to stumble on one of your secrets, even if its just how much you spent somewhere.

I think you need to put all energies into waking up to this problem.

Violence + contempt =super worrying =escape plan needed yesterday.

Depression is a serious injury. Being in a higher risk of murder category is serious. Violence a couple of times a year so you'd be too scared to leave is serious. Not leaving a lazy spouse because he threatens you is serious.

I haven't called the police.

I don't have support from my extended family. My sister dad and mom think I should stay as does my closest friend growing up. I have two friends who would support and the counselor I have seen. This has been part of the issue of separating...I will likely be ostracized. Counseling at our church has also discouraged this as well. The attitude in these Christian circles is that some
physical abuse is ok and he's not really abusive bc it doesn't happen often.

I have realized that I still have a desire to save our marriage and don't want to give up. I think separating soon would leave me with the desire to not divorce and give him time.

I am on antidepressants and they have helped a lot. I was suicidal previously before the med.

All our money is together. I don't have an income. That is something I need to work on. I have about $500 total.

My plan currently is to go to a new counselor and tell him
I am ready to separate and let that conversation happen with the counselor there.

I'll look through the thread on angry husbands. Thanks

So I'm seeing a very intelligent woman here who recognises the value of a plan. Is this easier now you have the ADs? It's smart to gather a 'Team You' , friends etc and I hope you will see this place an extra resource for you too.

However I have some concerns..



So you need to cut away from these people because they enable your abuse. I don't know if this is your entire town or area? If so you'd have to physically move yourself away. Is this possible or can you cut people off without moving?

You have a pushy BiL who is actively pursuing you since you stepped back, under the nose of a dangerous controlling husband , a community which thinks smacking you around is warranted, ....

You need to cut ties with all of the above for your safety asap.



Planning smart again. But actually I think the rush is more due to safety concerns.

Dr H has seen some violent men show genuine remorse due to a separation but your husband has an entire community enabling him. That's a pretty bleak prospect of remorse.

You could join a new community or church and he could be encouraged to follow in time ...but right now this is a safety first focus.

In any case you need a new community. Very quickly.

You need:
1) Finances.
-see a lawyer about garnishing his wages/kicking him out
- sell stuff. Jewellery, your engagement ring, anything
- move cash from joint accounts into your name.
- contact a shelter. They can put you in touch with pro bono lawyers and even jobs
2)Legal advice - URGENT
- Try to see someone specialising in domestic abuse,
- They will want to know if you've ever called the police and will tell you what you need to do to to get ducks in a row before you make a move.
- Consider what evidence you have, Drs visits emails, texts, journals.
3) Interim safety plan.
- Be mentally prepared to leave or call the place if he has an angry outburst.
- keep irreplaceable papers and passports somewhere safe and accessible , or photocopies of them. Cash too.
- Consider where you would go if you left in a hurry.

This article may help:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067a_qa.html