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#3003577 04/17/18 05:02 PM
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Hello. My mind is going crazy right now and I would love some feedback on my situation. I have been with my husband for 15 years with no major issues. No cheating at all. Until recently.

My husband decided it was ok to become friends with a female coworker. She offered her number to him and for some reason he took it. He says if was just as friends and he actually confirmed that before taking it. The thing is that he didn�t tell me about this friendship for 2 weeks! I Haden no idea they were friends and texting daily. However, he was the one who told me. One day I asked who he was messaging and Hebrew told me his new friend. I freaked out. He told me they were just friends but after about 5 days he agreed he should be doing it ignorant it�s hurting me so he stopped. He sent her a text and told her they couldn�t text anymore. I told him to delete her contact. He did but when he he deleted the contact then he deleted the message. I did not get to see it. After he messaged her he didn�t hide his phone and i seen her response. It said �I told you to be honest with her from the beginning� and that�s all it said.

I asked him if he had eve ever gone anyplace with her and he admitted that she attended a work party a week before. I messaged my friends husband who was also at the party. He said she showed up late and he thought she was with one of the other guys. He also said she attends the same gym as him. He agreed to switch gyms if it wouldn�t make me feel better.

I know for a fact he didn�t not sleep with this woman. He came home from work everyday he knew her and was never out. I also caught a message to his brother saying he never touched her. He did tell him how hot Shen was though.

So, I am trying to decide if this is cheating or if he did something great by recognizing the potential issue telling me about it as soon as he realized it was wrong ans trying to fix what he did. What do you think? Is he a cheater or a man who made a small mistake?

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Hi GoingCrazy01, welcome to the MB forums. I don't think you're crazy for being suspicious. Affairs frequently start with opposite sex friends at work or the gym. If you suspect an affair is in progress (and it would be advisable, given the red flags here), you should NOT tip off your H to your suspicions. If you do, he'll take the A further underground, and it will be harder for you to find proof. Keep your suspicions to yourself, and quietly investigate using the suggestions in the "Operation Investigate" section of the MB forum.

Some articles you should read if you haven't already:

Are Friends a Threat to Your Marriage: http://marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi8119_friends.html
The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_OSFriend.html

It's quiet around here this week, I hope one of the vets will respond to your post soon. I repeat, do NOT confront your H, even if you find proof. Your best chance to recover from an affair is to follow Dr. Harley's advice. The vets on the MB forum will help you with that. For now, I strongly recommend you familiarize yourself with the following:

How to Survive Infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
abrrba #3003580 04/18/18 02:21 PM
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I have checked all his computer history as far back as I can go. There is nothing. Not even porn. I have checked al phone records and it is accurate he was only texting with her for a few weeks. He has given all his passwords and I even accessed his weight lifting forums. He mentioned to one guy that he made a stupid mistake and took a girls number. It said she offered it to him to be friends. It also says he did not touch her. I found another email to his brother saying he never touched her and that he was just looking for attention from me. It said he never wanted her. I have checked his phone and records every night and there is nothing. I found a new email address he opened for his job. He did not know I know the password. He told me he was opening it for his work records. Been checking that too and nothing. No other odd numbers going back 2 years. Lastly, I went to his work when I knew he would be pulling in there. Luckily I can see her desk as there are glass windows. He has to walk past her to go in. And nothing. I went 5 times. The first time I could see he said hello and them kept waking. Second time he used the other door and walked by her. Third time he walked by and said hi I think. But she called him back for something. He talked to her for about 40 seconds then kept going. Last time he waved and walked by. So? I just can�t find anything saying he was cheating other than the fat he was friends with her for 2 weeks before he told me. And also that I do not have any of the texts besides the very last one...should I be worried?

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Do you have spyware on his devices? You should install and quietly snoop. Just checking phone records and his phone won�t show you everything that is typed and if he is deleting anything you�ll know.


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I have also been checking his google account. It posts the stuff he is searching. Still nothing. I can�t find anything. He comes home every night and always wants to do family stuff on the weekends. If his work friends invite him out he doesn�t even go. He also moved gyms so I would be comfortable. We were planning also on getting ring tattoos. He just went out and did it! It�s just so odd. Maybe they were just friends. I don�t know. He asked me if I wanted to go to the family work party as well. She will be there. So he is not hiding me from his work or his friends. He had me drop him off there the other day.

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He also told me to call her if it would make me feel better but I really don�t want to call and embarrass myself

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Originally Posted by GoingCrazy01
I have checked all his computer history as far back as I can go. There is nothing. Not even porn.
Ingocnito browsing is a simple way to hide a porn habit.

A clean history is good, but does not per se prove there is nothing.

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Originally Posted by GoingCrazy01
He has given all his passwords and I even accessed his weight lifting forums. He mentioned to one guy that he made a stupid mistake and took a girls number. It said she offered it to him to be friends. It also says he did not touch her. I found another email to his brother saying he never touched her and that he was just looking for attention from me. It said he never wanted her. I have checked his phone and records every night and there is nothing.
For someone who was only texting for 2 weeks, it seems odd he tells his brother about it in this manner (email to his brother might be for you to read and to 'prove' nothing happened).

He is very transparant with what he shows you, but there might be another phone. Don't ask him, just snoop quietly.

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I don�t care about the porn anyways. He knows that. He is also trying so hard to make be believe him. He is always being so kind and attentive. Calling and texting all the time. Lots of cuddling. It�s just so odd. He has never made a female friend in the last 15 years. Starting to wonder if maybe he developed a small crush on her and then realized what he was doing and told me. Would he tell me about her if he was screwing around and didn�t want to stop? You would think he would tell me if she meant nothing and he didn�t care to keep talking to her. He says the worst think that happened was that he didn�t tell me right away. He said he knew I wouldn�t like it! Well duh!

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That�s what I was thinking. Wondering if the message was for me. It went more like this
Husband: wife might be leaving me over this girl
Brother: ah she will get over it you didn�t really do anything wrong. I told you this would be a bad idea.
Husband: no i didn�t. Didn�t cheat not an affair. I was just being a jerk.
Brother: it�s not worth throwing all this away over some stupid young head case.
Husband: I know. Never wanted her just wanted attention from wife and now I have it.
End of conversation.
As for the second phone I have checked all his credit card history and there is nothing purchased. All of our checking and savings accounts are in my name. He never has cash.
Thought I would be sneaky and compare the dates they signed up at the gym. They signed up a little over a month apart in time. I remember when he started it was because there was a free trial and it was right by our house. I asked him if he knew she was going there when he started and he says he swears he didn�t. It�s odd as well cause she is kind of chubby which has not really ever been his thing. Guess that don�t matter much though

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Also, we were planning to get ring tattoos before all of this happened. He keeps swearing he had no intention of cheating and went out and got the ring tattoo. Would a cheating man or a man that was going to start cheating tattoo my name on his finger. I mean that doesn�t come off. He can�t hide that...

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GoingCrazy,

None of this really means anything until you snoop and rule out an A. Waywards usually affair down, their AP usually being less attractive or physically fit, or somehow lesser than their own spouse. The fog also makes them irrational and illogical, so don't assume anything about the ring tattoo. Waywards also become inveterate liars, he could just as easily be gaslighting his friend, too. You need to investigate, quietly. Stop talking about the A with him, if he's in an A he'll eventually get sloppy, and your snooping will yield results. Don't delay on this, because the more it becomes entrenched, the more difficult it will be for him to stop and recover his M.

Given what he already admitted to with this OW, he should be looking for a job elsewhere.

Last edited by abrrba; 04/19/18 07:37 AM.

BH (me) 50, WxW 47
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I should have mentioned that he has switched jobs. He was offered a promotion to go to a different site and he gladly took it. I should have also mentioned that this happened a couple months ago. I have been searching for signs for a couple months and have found nothing. I do not think he is in contact with her anymore. I guess my main concern is that he did this in the first place. I just don�t want to be with a cheater. Just can�t decide if this was cheating or not..

#3003593 04/19/18 11:27 AM
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Hello! Does anyone here suffer from bad anxiety? My husband became friends with a coworker about 5 months ago. They started texting and being friendly. He didn�t really hide it from me but didn�t tell me until I asked. He stopped texting her and even talking to her after I got very mad. I confirmed it was never an affair.
This was months ago now and I cannot get over it. I think about it all day long. It�s affecting my marriage. Some days it�s so bad I just want to leave him. I am assuming it is my anziety as this can�t be normal can it?
My friends are saying I am crazy for thinking of leaving him over this but it hurts me so bad that he felt the need to get relationship advice from another woman and text her daily for 2 weeks.

I love my husband and he is a great man. We have been together for 16 years. I was 19 when we got together. Nothing like Thisbe hasn�t ever had haopened. Why can�t I stop thinking anything of a and move on ? It�s totally consuming me.

What is wrong with me? I know most people on this site have gone through worse but this still really hurts! He seems to feel really bad bad but I am so mad! Do I have right to be this mad over his friendship?

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Originally Posted by GoingCrazy01
I should have mentioned that he has switched jobs. He was offered a promotion to go to a different site and he gladly took it. I should have also mentioned that this happened a couple months ago. I have been searching for signs for a couple months and have found nothing. I do not think he is in contact with her anymore. I guess my main concern is that he did this in the first place. I just don�t want to be with a cheater. Just can�t decide if this was cheating or not..

Stop torturing yourself with this. You will slowly go mad if you try to use logic. All humans are hard wired to cheat. The difference between those that do and those that do not is down to whether they have adequate boundaries in place. So, for example, a man who routinely talks about his personal life with other women will find himself in love with one of them sooner or later. A man (or woman) who has recreational interests outside the marriage that involve other women or who has a job that takes him away from home overnight is also at risk.

As others have repeatedly said to you; do not discuss your worries with him. Monitor him quietly using the tools in the Operation Investigate forum. I wish I had done that. If you find you have caught this before things got out of control which it sounds as if you may have, consider yourself duly warned and use the tools here to affair proof your marriage.


3 adult children
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Originally Posted by GoingCrazy01
So, I am trying to decide if this is cheating or if he did something great by recognizing the potential issue telling me about it as soon as he realized it was wrong ans trying to fix what he did. What do you think? Is he a cheater or a man who made a small mistake?

It's hard to know with the information you have given.

Have you read any of the articles on this site? Some were linked to you. A "friendship" between a man and a woman is very very dangerous to marriage - because emotional needs are being met and it can escalate into romantic feelings VERY quickly.

The fact that he is leaving the workplace and has (as far as you know) ended contact with her is a good start. The problem is that you don't really know how far this went and they can easily start chatting again. Having access to his phone records isn't good enough. Cheaters today can use third party apps, imessage, etc - the options are endless to have secret communications.

You need to be QUIETLY watching with spyware (that he DOES NOT know about!!) on his phone. Have you done this yet?



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Even if this relationship has completely ended, I would advise you to keep the spyware on your H's phone.

If he believes opposite sex friendships is OK (even if that means just chatting it up with women at work and the gym) he is at high risk to have an affair.


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So are you going to put spyware on his devices?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I am not sure I want to put spyware on his phone. I know he is not doing this now and that he has never done it before. He is very transparent and I don�t think he would be trying so hard to fix this if he was in any kind of affair. He never goes anyplace without me and I�m his phone is always around. I am more concerned about how big of a deal what he did was. Is it divorce material? I can�t figure it out. My mind keeps going back and forth cause I am so hurt.

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I think the worry and encouragement to use spyware on his phone is for you to verify that it was just an inappropriate friendship and not something even worse, because so many people have been or continue to be tricked by WayWards.

Its the difference between a near miss and a hit and run, I think, both indicate some changes to driving habits are necessary (or a revocation) , but the severity is different.


BH: 34(me)
FWW: 36
Pets not kids.

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