I think you make an excellent whistle blower - they really do not know who they are dealing with

Can't believe you are still dealing with that OW situation, but good for you for not backing down! Good example for your kids to see.

Hopefully justice will prevail on all fronts.

The irony is breathtaking. Yes MB techniques can be used everywhere. I'm sure they thought they could pull the wool over your eyes because you were foreign . . and a woman. So glad to get this update, I was getting anxious.

I can't believe it has gone in this long either!!! I keep thinking: surely any normal person would just want this to be over? Why would she want a criminal case hanging over her for more than a year, racking up lawyers' fees for every court appearance. But I guess waywards are not normal people.......

Hi Living Well, nice to hear from you! WH is still causing problems but even that doesn't affect me now since I've got the maintenance order and don't need to worry about money. All in all, things are going well!

Fantastic news about the maintenance being sorted out. My DH and I are currently laughing about the fact that his brother has been suing him over an inheritance for years. Now that I'm a Hardened Criminal after all the legal shenanigans with my XH, I have been able to help him flatten his brother who is a lawyer and a bully. Oh the joy!

I hope the parent company is 100% behind you. Have you been to see them?

I've been surprised at how little lawyers seem to understand about evil manipulative people. You would think they see them all the time, but your advice has been way more valuable than any of my lawyers!! I definitely respect your criminal genius insights

I'm in awe of your courage. Gosh they really had no idea did they?

Thanks Living Well!

Ah trust but verify!

Yeah your calm 'maybe so, maybe not' open mindedness here; this is the kind of thing you see FBSs do. They plan for worst case scenarios at the first whiff of danger. Other people tie themselves in knots not believing people would be so blatant...

Coupled with a curious belief in positive thinking.

And you were worried about being a single mum!

Thanks Living Well!

Hahahahaha! Actually, I was thinking that the other day. Even with all the many many crazy things that seem to have happened to me during the past year, I am so much happier, healthier, confident, more in control than I could ever have been with WH. I wish I'd known that being a single mum is MUCH easier than being a married mum with a rubbish husband!

You really hit the nail on the head here. I feel like MB has given me a roadmap for living a protected life. I now live, act and communicate with everyone in a way that makes me the kind of person I would want to be married to, does not expose me to risk - and limits the opportunity for other people to trick me. It doesn't make me very popular sometimes, but it gives me this lovely feeling of confidence that i KNOW i have done the right thing and that no one will find any skeletons in my closets. I guess that is where the positivity comes from.

After I started to become really aware of how much lying goes on in normal day-to-day life, I also realised that so many people are held back from standing up for themselves by the fear of what secrets others might find or reveal about them if they raise their head above the parapet. When I have those thoughts, I always remember your tagline Indie: what would you do if you were not afraid? I'm not afraid of anything anymore. And life is great, no matter what seems to be happening.

Oh! I was reading the sci fi series Dune when I first wrote that. In it, the Bene Gesserit, a powerful and ancient order of women, use the Litany Against Fear to focus their minds to achieve almost superhuman control and abilities. It goes 'Fear is the little death, fear is the mind killer'. Actually it's worth looking at in full:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

The concept is that all fear is a lie, which I was dubious about at first, surely some fears hold water? So I phrased that question as a way of judging the validity of each fear.

I have to say I've not yet come across a single valid fear. Valid caution and wariness have a completely different feel.

Thank you!

Thanks Indie! This sounds really motivating. I will look for those books. I love sci-fi and watched the movie many times when I was growing up.

It has become clear that OW believes her and WH are in a long-distance relationship. The reason I know this is that OW has a nasty habit of detailing her life to the world by use of the medium of white stick-figure stickers that people put on the back of their cars to illustrate the composition of their family (I don't think this is just a South African thing, is it?!). Every previous time i have seen her in her car (which I only became aware of after she accosted me in a mall car park), she has had a picture of a woman (her), a girl (her daughter) and a boy (I just knew that was WH....). However, last week, she was in a different car, and this one had a stick figure woman on the left hand side of the back windscreen and a stick figure man on the right hand side.

I am usually so good about not thinking about all the awful things WH has done - and happy in my plan B world where me and the kids now live - that it has taken me totally by surprise how upsetting I found this encounter. I guess I thought I had done such a great job with exposure and with dragging OW through the courts, that she would turn on WH for not being there for her, seeing as she is alone in the dock and dealing with the mess he left her in. But i now realise I was lying to myself AGAIN. WH has always maintained a world-wide network of women who all believe he wants to marry them, or that they have true love that is only thwarted by circumstance (WH conveniently leaving the country/having work commitments that prevent him from travelling/some other reason that wouldn't stand up to proper scrutiny). It doesn't seem to matter how little he sees them, or how little attention or time he gives them, or the fact that they find themselves giving him money, he is manipulative and skilled enough to maintain their devotion over many many years. He did the same thing with me obviously, the one difference being that he actually married me - and entrusted me with all our joint assets and savings. So why am I surprised that OW is still devoted to him, despite the fact he left the country a year ago and hasn't been back?! I guess I just hoped that everything I had done, including taking so much of his income, would somehow have affected his enjoyment of life. But if he is still able to maintain his harems of women - and they think my and the children's existance is nothing to worry about - then I'm sure life is just great for him as it always has been. I have taken all his responsibility and daily annoyances away from him, leaving him to enjoy the single life without impediment. That makes me sad, hurt, and frustrated. I feel like he has just edited our entire marriage out of his life as if it never really happened. And OW believes that too.

Sorry for the moan. Just feeling a bit down. I want to know that there is justice in life! And feeling that WH and OW are actually happy because of me getting out of the way is really upsetting.

I also wonder when I will stop having this deep-down niggling feeling that I actually want WH to change and come back, however unlikely that is. I understand the concept of the Love Bank, but how can someone who has treated me so awfully and done basically nothing to fulfill any of my emotional needs ever, while also heaping abuse on me continually, and putting me through indescribable pain over and over again, be someone that I still (if I am truthful with myself) want? I don't understand how the love bank concepts link to the attachment in abusive relationships.

You are feeling down because you broke Plan B, not because you truly believe WH and OW are happy. You said yourself that he is a serial cheater with a girl in every port. They get their thrill out of the chase and conquest, they have no interest in a real relationship with these women. In any case they always trade down so these women are the dregs of society. In the case of my XH his undoing was a fat ugly middle aged woman who got her hooks into him. That scared him because he had absolutely no intention of breaking up his marriage. Why would he? He had everything he wanted including the side dishes. But she threatened to spill the beans. As soon as I filed for divorce he dumped her. When a side dish tries to become the main course, it gets put into the bin. I'm betting OW has been dumped but you don't need to think about it. Not your problem.



Yes that is totally normal I remember a moment of sudden clarity when I realised that my XH would not change until it was too late. He was genuine and honest for a week after I confronted him and in 6 months was back to his old ways. Now 10 years later we are still in litigation because he cannot let go. He was too scared to change. It takes an enormous amount of courage to overcome addiction and you need to have no other options. After 6 months he thought the storm had blown over and that it could be business as usual.


That is simple; he met important needs for you. In addition, children provide a huge amount of glue for a relationship. But eventually being in an abusive relationship would have killed you.

A lot of abusers really are masters at making just enough love bank deposits to string someone along. They learn exactly what buttons to push.


Don't forget that keeping your Plan B airtight will help with this.