Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#3003947 05/15/18 10:31 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Hello forum members. I don't remember the last time I posted here. But wanted to give some hope to those newer to this. It's been almost seven years since our D-Day. I don't even like to refer to it as that anymore because of the negative connotation. But everyone knows what that means, so there it is.

We are recovered. To those that wonder if you will ever forget, you probably won't. That's not the goal in my opinion. The goal is that it just doesn't matter anymore. It's not a factor in your life. You don't think about it often. Sometimes it comes back, and you remember those times, but it just isn't relevant anymore. It's not today.

To get there requires work. There is no getting around that. But it is possible. For some it works, for others it doesn't, no matter what you do. That is a fact. But I will say from experience that your chances of success are directly related to your commitment to what is taught here. Dr Harley knows what he is talking about. I use his knowledge every day. But know that this is a long game. It almost never happens overnight. In fact, if it did, I'd be highly suspicious of those results.

Not sure what else to relate. Just wanted to check in and give some encouragement to those just starting their journey. It gets better or it doesn't. The result is highly dependent on your own commitment to change and adaptation as it is with your spouse.

Hope all those that helped us along the way are well. Any questions, I'll try to answer.


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

Married: June 24, 2000

Recovered
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
FightTheFight! It's good to hear from you and to see that you guys are doing well!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
So nice to hear from you!! Thanks for the update.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Love to hear this!


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
Hello, FightTheFight
How long did it take to truly feel recovered ? Any to tips to help with the dwelling? Tips with unknown triggers as they come up?
Thanks, And yes it is wonderful to hear success.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Originally Posted by Lin63
Hello, FightTheFight
How long did it take to truly feel recovered ? Any to tips to help with the dwelling? Tips with unknown triggers as they come up?
Thanks, And yes it is wonderful to hear success.




As far as how long, I believe it took us longer because we were about a year into it before we started here. It made it a lot harder because we did some of the wrong things for so long. And there is that tendency for the unfaithful spouse to want it to be over with already. That said, I'm not sure I can put a number on it. It's a gradual process. It's not like it just happens one day. What does happen is that you think of it less and less frequently until you hardly think of it at all ever.

As far as the dwelling, I'd suggest focusing on your goal. If your goal is to have a happy, successful marriage, then sit down and talk with each other about what that looks like to each person. And then focus on it. Think about what it will feel like, what you will be doing, how you will be living. Visualization is a powerful thing. But it will keep you focused on the future and will motivate you to take those baby steps every day to get there. If you must dwell on something, dwell on the future. That's all you can really change. The past is unchangeable.

As far as unknown triggers, forgive yourself for having them. Whatever you do, don't take them out on your spouse. Consider whether discussing it with your spouse gets you closer to your goal or sets you back. Is it necessary to discuss so as to have their help to avoid it, or is it just a random thing? It really does help to immediately turn your attention to something positive. The brain literally cannot think of two things at once.

Hope that helps.


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

Married: June 24, 2000

Recovered
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
How's feuillecouleur doing? We'd love for her to stop by and say hi!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,310
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by markos
How's feuillecouleur doing? We'd love for her to stop by and say hi!

Yes!! I was thinking the same!!


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
Thank You, Your experience,insight and suggestions helped me immensely. And Congratulations on your recovery.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 286
Hey FightTheFight!
Great to hear you two are doing well, congratulations!


Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 19 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Bobbyboy341, Steve123, kenmw, lawenda, Leapylee
71,693 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,534
Posts2,322,657
Members71,694
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5