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#3004155 05/23/18 09:07 AM
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Here's my story. 'll try to make this as short as possible. Three years ago my husband cheated on me. Well, 4 if you count his business trip overseas where he danced and felt up and got felt up at a business get together there. "I didn't want to be rude, it was expected, everyone else was doing it". Anyway, he cheated , I caught him fairly quickly actually because something seemed off and he always kept his phone with him. He had chatted for a few weeks and sexted, but only slept together once. And I do believe that part. I saw all the texts and knew his schedule. There was only one time when he could have.

Then, almost a year later he was searching craigslist for a "friend". Then emailing a russian woman (who I could tell was a spam right away). Oh, but he was "testing" me to see if I was checking on him, he knew it was a spam. Then he posted an ad for a threesome because he thought I wanted one. Last year he spent $200 at a full nude strip club, where the girls were apparently not nude that night. I suppose that could happen. There's probably more I'm forgetting. I can't remember right now. I told him I had a huge problem with him going to a club. I know a lot of women see nothing wrong with it, but I do. I don't want to be compared to those women who are far younger, prettier, thinner, perkier, etc than me. I have extremely low self esteem right now. Especially from something he said in an argument a couple years ago that still hurts.

So, he had to go on a business trip again. Our 19th wedding anniversary was Tuesday the 15th. I tried my best to look nice for him, wore a very sexy shirt that I thought looked decent on me and that's saying a lot. All I got from him was that he felt under dressed. ok. So anyway, Wednesday he left. 2 hours after he stepped off his plane he searched for "adult clubs near me". Then, again several hours later he search for that again and "backpage". BTW, I'm getting this info through google, unfortunately it doesn't show me what websites he visited, just searches and stuff. Thursday, he went where he was supposed to go but then after lunch there is a huge chunk of missing info on his timeline. Like 6 hours of it. He texted me at 4:48 saying he was back at the hotel and going to the pool. Then, immediately after he searched for "cuddlers near me", "escort service near me" and "asian massage parlours near me". Then he called me at 7 and once again showed up at the hotel.

His credit card showed his normal hotel charge, but then it also showed for Thursday a $102.95 ATM this + cash advance fee of $10 at the hotel next door. I see on the gps he also had a massage place and club address in there. So, I confronted him. The hotel atm charged turned out to be, well, not innocent, but not as bad as went through my mind. The hotel he was staying in didn't have an atm (I called to confirm), but the one next door did. He took out $100 and was charged $2.95 fee from the atm and $10 from the credit card. He used that money for snacks and dinner. BUT he also went to a full nude strip club! He said he thought it was only the lap dances that I had a problem with and he only sat at the bar, watching the game and had a drink with a guy named Jim. As for the searches, I couldn't get a specific answer on that. He said he thinks the searches were links he clicked on, but I don't know. I have a samsung phone too and could only get those results to show when I purposely typed them in. Not from a link. And he goes on with the whole, people have different kinks and interests, I was just curious about it, blah blah blah. I get that people are curious about stuff and sometimes look stuff up. But he didn't search for escorts where we live (small town, there's nothing like that here), he searched for them in Minneapolis. Said he went to the club wednesday night (timeline shows him at the hotel). Wait, I think I just caught another lie. He said he went to the club wednesday. He didn't take money out until thursday. I know he's going to say he just got the days mixed up. I'm so confused.

It's getting harder to catch him doing something. Unfortunately after he cheated the first time I showed him most of my secrets. I was stupid and foolishly believed it wouldn't happen again.

I figure I have two options right now. I can tell him I can't deal with this anymore and say it's over. Then I'd be in trouble because I have no job, no job skills, haven't worked in 15 years, have major social anxiety, very shy and introverted. I'd have no way to make a living. No friends. No family to help me. I made things really hard on myself for this situation. I see that now, too late.
Or I can pretend I'm fine with everything and pay money that I really don't have for an app to monitor his phone for a year and see if anything pops up again. He has another business trip coming up but I know he won't do anything on that trip. He won't be alone and one of the guys he is going with was his best friend in high school and somewhat religious. Pretty sure he would never go to a club or anything. Plus his boss will be along for a day or two.

I told him I still needed to talk to him, that I wasn't done with our conversation. That was days ago and there hasn't been time to talk. I do think he's avoiding it.

Luna42 #3004156 05/23/18 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Luna42
Oh, but he was "testing" me to see if I was checking on him,

What's wrong with married people checking on each other? My wife and I have a great marriage, and we invite each other to check on each other whenever we feel like it.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Luna42 #3004157 05/23/18 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Luna42
It's getting harder to catch him doing something. Unfortunately after he cheated the first time I showed him most of my secrets. I was stupid and foolishly believed it wouldn't happen again.

I figure I have two options right now. I can tell him I can't deal with this anymore and say it's over. Then I'd be in trouble because I have no job, no job skills, haven't worked in 15 years, have major social anxiety, very shy and introverted. I'd have no way to make a living. No friends. No family to help me. I made things really hard on myself for this situation. I see that now, too late.

Luna42, you are in a very vulnerable situation - dependent on a serially philandering husband.

You know that this is not going to be sustainable long term.

We have a lady at our church who has had a lot of trouble with her husband, and he has declined many opportunities to step up to the plate and take care of her. The last couple of years she has been taking college courses to prepare herself for a new career. She finished late last year and moved out to her own place, and she is so much happier.

If I were you I would encourage you to find a way to get yourself ready to start a career where you can take care of yourself and you won't be dependent on your cruel unfaithful husband. Your state probably has an employment office that can help get you some advice as far as how you can get trained or take classes. Focus on this, and if your husband decides to make a complete life turnaround and stop traveling away from you and living a secret second life and chasing every skirt he sees, great, but if not, you will be able to stand on your own. You'll be much happier either way, right?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Luna42 #3004158 05/23/18 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Luna42
It's getting harder to catch him doing something.

Save yourself the trouble. Unless he's providing complete transparency and staying with you pretty much at all times, you know he's cheating, right?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Luna42 #3004159 05/23/18 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Luna42
I told him I had a huge problem with him going to a club. I know a lot of women see nothing wrong with it, but I do.

You know very unusual women. Most women would have a huge problem with this.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Luna42 #3004160 05/23/18 09:37 AM
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If I went on any sort of a trip without my wife, I'd come home to find the locks changed and my stuff out on the lawn in the rain.

I'm not suggesting you do that - you need to become able to support yourself first. I'm just telling you that no woman should tolerate her husband going on overnight trips alone, and no woman in her right mind would tolerate a man with your husband's history doing it.

Start ignoring this dirtbag and focusing on finding a way to take care of yourself. Don't take him back unless he comes to you willing to give up the travel lifestyle and the secret second life.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Luna42 #3004161 05/23/18 09:37 AM
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Markos gave you great advice, you should start preparing for separation now. I would also add that you should contact an attorney and find out your rights. Can you separate now and compel him to support you? You need answers to these questions.

Your marriage has no hope of recovery unless your husband makes a radical change in his lifestyle. Your situation is vey different than a garden variety affair; your husband is actively pursuing affairs. I would also not suggest you have sex with him until he is tested for STDs. It is obvious he has a very active sex life and is exposing you to diseases.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I would also add that you should contact an attorney and find out your rights. Can you separate now and compel him to support you? You need answers to these questions.

That's a good point!

Quote
I would also not suggest you have sex with him until he is tested for STDs. It is obvious he has a very active sex life and is exposing you to diseases.

That's a VERY good point!

sick mr eek


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Luna42 #3004181 05/23/18 12:25 PM
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He has to occasionally go on business trips. He's good at what he does. I don't know if he'd have a job if he told them no more trips. :-( I can't afford an attorney, we aren't rich but he makes just enough to keep us out of the range of any help. He makes too much for any help, but not enough to pay for extras like a lawyer. I'm stuck. I thought about going back to school, but I have no money to. And I just don't know what I could take classes for. I'm horrible on the phone, can barely type. I've tried taking typing tests, it wasn't pretty.So, any office work is out. It's a small town, not much is available here unless you want to be a nurse and I throw up when my kids do and can't look when they bleed a lot. Not a job for me. I don't think we have an employment office anymore? My father in law had to drive an hour and a half to another town to do something with his unemployment. Is that the same thing or different?

I'm sorry, I admit I've very naive and clueless when it comes to stuff like this....

How do you separate? Can I kick him out? I thought about it, but from what I read it didn't seem legal. I was going to change the locks, but read it wasn't legal and it could hurt me in court. We have three kids together.

I won't sleep with him again. I was tested a year ago and I was clean.

Luna42 #3004196 05/23/18 01:12 PM
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I won't sleep with him again. I was tested a year ago and I was clean.
Have you had sex in the last year? If so, get tested again.

Quote
He has to occasionally go on business trips. He's good at what he does. I don't know if he'd have a job if he told them no more trips. :-( I can't afford an attorney, we aren't rich but he makes just enough to keep us out of the range of any help. He makes too much for any help, but not enough to pay for extras like a lawyer. I'm stuck. I thought about going back to school, but I have no money to. And I just don't know what I could take classes for. I'm horrible on the phone, can barely type. I've tried taking typing tests, it wasn't pretty.So, any office work is out. It's a small town, not much is available here unless you want to be a nurse and I throw up when my kids do and can't look when they bleed a lot. Not a job for me. I don't think we have an employment office anymore? My father in law had to drive an hour and a half to another town to do something with his unemployment. Is that the same thing or different?
Okay, I'm gonna push you a little here.
You're talking about everything you CAN'T do, and you need to turn your focus to brainstorming ideas for what you CAN do.
It's a subtle difference, but it's a big one, too.

It's going to be hard work. It's going to take time.
Start contacting schools. See what you can find out about financial aid and loans. You might look into a part-time job at Walmart to help pay for school.
Look at schools online.
Look for job ideas in other cities. Don't tie yourself to one location.
Get a course schedule from a school and browse through it. What interests you? Talk to an adviser.

What else can you do? Spend time thinking about it. Make a list. Write down everything that comes to mind, even if it seems outlandish or silly. Don't discount anything at this point.

Quote
How do you separate? Can I kick him out? I thought about it, but from what I read it didn't seem legal. I was going to change the locks, but read it wasn't legal and it could hurt me in court. We have three kids together.
It is perfectly legal to change the locks on your own home.
Check if your state allows you to file for legal separation. Some states don't. Here in Texas, you have to file for divorce if you want to be protected while separated.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

Luna42 #3004198 05/23/18 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Luna42
He has to occasionally go on business trips. He's good at what he does. I don't know if he'd have a job if he told them no more trips.

I don't think he'd give up travelling anyway. He's been 'testing' whether you'd allow him the privacy for affairs. He's not going to give up his travel.

Originally Posted by Luna42
How do you separate? Can I kick him out? I thought about it, but from what I read it didn't seem legal. I was going to change the locks, but read it wasn't legal and it could hurt me in court. We have three kids together.

You can kick him out. I have done this and so have many people here. Just change the locks while he's out and send his stuff on to a storage facility or his mothers. There's no specific law saying you can, but there's no law saying you can't either. Lawyers wont advise it because its not covered by law. In some circumstances it might be frowned on - but its ridiculous to expect a primary parent to carry on living with a travelling serial cheat. Hes never there anyway!

I found it really helpful to combine kicking him out with exposure of the affair. This way I had lots of support from family and he was too shame faced to break back in.

I'll get you the links for exposure, plan b (ending contact and kicking him out) and parallel parenting.

Your wonderful new life is about to begin smile. I have NO idea how you've survived this many D days.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Luna42 #3004205 05/23/18 03:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Luna42
He has to occasionally go on business trips. He's good at what he does. I don't know if he'd have a job if he told them no more trips. :-( I can't afford an attorney, we aren't rich but he makes just enough to keep us out of the range of any help. He makes too much for any help, but not enough to pay for extras like a lawyer. I'm stuck. I thought about going back to school, but I have no money to. And I just don't know what I could take classes for. I'm horrible on the phone, can barely type. I've tried taking typing tests, it wasn't pretty.So, any office work is out. It's a small town, not much is available here unless you want to be a nurse and I throw up when my kids do and can't look when they bleed a lot. Not a job for me. I don't think we have an employment office anymore? My father in law had to drive an hour and a half to another town to do something with his unemployment. Is that the same thing or different?

I'm sorry, I admit I've very naive and clueless when it comes to stuff like this....

How do you separate? Can I kick him out? I thought about it, but from what I read it didn't seem legal. I was going to change the locks, but read it wasn't legal and it could hurt me in court. We have three kids together.

I won't sleep with him again. I was tested a year ago and I was clean.


FIRST, go see a lawyer. It doesn't matter if you can afford it, you need legal protection.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Prisca #3004206 05/23/18 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Prisca
[It is perfectly legal to change the locks on your own home.
Check if your state allows you to file for legal separation. Some states don't. Here in Texas, you have to file for divorce if you want to be protected while separated.


Prisca is right, it is not illegal in any state in the United states to change your locks.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Luna42 #3004210 05/23/18 05:57 PM
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Have you read this? Exposure 101


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Luna42
He has to occasionally go on business trips. He's good at what he does. I don't know if he'd have a job if he told them no more trips. :-( I can't afford an attorney, we aren't rich but he makes just enough to keep us out of the range of any help. He makes too much for any help, but not enough to pay for extras like a lawyer. I'm stuck. I thought about going back to school, but I have no money to. And I just don't know what I could take classes for. I'm horrible on the phone, can barely type. I've tried taking typing tests, it wasn't pretty.So, any office work is out. It's a small town, not much is available here unless you want to be a nurse and I throw up when my kids do and can't look when they bleed a lot. Not a job for me. I don't think we have an employment office anymore? My father in law had to drive an hour and a half to another town to do something with his unemployment. Is that the same thing or different?

I'm sorry, I admit I've very naive and clueless when it comes to stuff like this....

How do you separate? Can I kick him out? I thought about it, but from what I read it didn't seem legal. I was going to change the locks, but read it wasn't legal and it could hurt me in court. We have three kids together.

I won't sleep with him again. I was tested a year ago and I was clean.


FIRST, go see a lawyer. It doesn't matter if you can afford it, you need legal protection.

Yes! Many lawyers will see you first time for free which is enough time to get an action plan


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Luna42 #3004235 05/25/18 11:36 AM
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If you have been married 19 years, and he has been the sole provider, you will qualify for spousal support for at least a period of time while you get on your feet. I think it is important to see an attorney and find out what your rights are and what help you can get, mentally you are in panic mode thinking about leaving �with nothing� and that is rarely the case. You can leave with half, as the saying goes, or at least with enough support to get on your feet.

As Prisca said, stop thinking about what you CAN�T do and start thinking about what you CAN do. If you are looking for a reason that makes it hard to leave, you will always find one. If you are looking for a way to leave this crazy lifestyle behind, you will also find one. You decide which one of those your are looking for.

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You seemed to be fixated on catching him doing something, when the reality is that you have caught him doing something many, many times. You have more evidence of shady serial cheating behavior than most people who come here. You know he is actively pursuing hookups. Catching him one or one hundred more times will not change anything.

This is not a situation where due to poor boundaries he let another woman meet his needs and fell in love and had an affair. This is a situation where you have a serial cheater who is actively pursuing hookups. And he has the perfect lifestyle to do so, with the work travel and lack of accountability. He doesn�t even seem to be trying to hide his behavior, he just simply gaslights you into believing that the reality you know to be true is not reality at all. (Please read the gaslighting thread!)

This situation could only be changed with a RADICAL change in his behavior and a RADICAL change in your lifestyle where he has no opportunity at all to cheat. Not traveling would be at the top of the list. Even if he were willing to make these changes (doubtful), it doesn�t sound like you are as you already defend his career and work travel as something that cannot be changed, even though it is a huge factor to his cheating. If that is the case, you should plan to leave, or plan to live like this forever. It will destroy you physically and mentally, if you do the latter.

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Originally Posted by unwritten
You seemed to be fixated on catching him doing something, when the reality is that you have caught him doing something many, many times. You have more evidence of shady serial cheating behavior than most people who come here. You know he is actively pursuing hookups. Catching him one or one hundred more times will not change anything.

That was my thinking exactly!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.

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