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never mind! thanks Brainhurts!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Well to sum up the last week or so, weve had somewhat limited conversations with DD18 between wife and I.

Most conversation has been via text with a couple of calls mixed in. DD18 is working a job and the two of them remain living at boyfriend fathers house with several people in the home.

In a text conversation DD18 had with wife DD18 basic position is that since turning 18 we treated her like a child placing restrictions on her and generally not approving of her relationship with this male.

My wife and I position was that we only reacted to her behavior and advised against a relationship that we viewed as unhealthy for her for reasons DD18 admitted to.

DD18 states she is very in touch with how she feels and that people can change and my wife more than anyone should understand this?

DD18 says she wants to have a relationship with us however minimal but basically we need accept her relationship with this guy.

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Originally Posted by KGaa12
Well to sum up the last week or so, weve had somewhat limited conversations with DD18 between wife and I.


My wife and I position was that we only reacted to her behavior and advised against a relationship that we viewed as unhealthy for her for reasons DD18 admitted to.



Ok, she is an adult now. You need to hold your fire. Stop criticizing her and start treating her as an adult. If you stop being a critic she will be much more likely to ask for advice. You and your wife's "reactions" are unhealthy when dealing with an ADULT child.

You have to get used to holding your tongue if you want to keep your children in your life as they grow up. Like Dr Harley told me once about my grown son, BUTT OUT.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I heard your call, I know how hard it is to accept your daughters choice here. Do you think it is something you can try?


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Originally Posted by KGaa12
In a text conversation DD18 had with wife DD18 basic position is that since turning 18 we treated her like a child placing restrictions on her and generally not approving of her relationship with this male.

From my reading of this thread, your DD is right.

Originally Posted by KGaa12
My wife and I position was that we only reacted to her behavior and advised against a relationship that we viewed as unhealthy for her for reasons DD18 admitted to.

This kind of response is going to drive your DD further away. Is that what you want?

You could have just said:
You're right, we're sorry.


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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by KGaa12
In a text conversation DD18 had with wife DD18 basic position is that since turning 18 we treated her like a child placing restrictions on her and generally not approving of her relationship with this male.

From my reading of this thread, your DD is right.

Originally Posted by KGaa12
My wife and I position was that we only reacted to her behavior and advised against a relationship that we viewed as unhealthy for her for reasons DD18 admitted to.

This kind of response is going to drive your DD further away. Is that what you want?

You could have just said:
You're right, we're sorry.


Yup. If you don't want to drive your daughter further away you must start doing what Dr. Harley and the others have told you.


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In my experience, the only time I can offer criticism or unsolicited advice to another adult is if they ask me for it.

Otherwise, they will be upset with me.

I 100% expect this to be true for my adult children some day as well.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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By the way, I love my father, and he and I got along great, but after I became grown his unsolicited advice and criticism DROVE ME NUTS and HURT ME and HURT MY WIFE. I had to draw a major line that this was not going to ever, ever be tolerated.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by SusieQ
You could have just said:
You're right, we're sorry.


Try this.

It sounds suspiciously like Dr. Newton Hightower's "psychological ping pong" exercise.

Highly recommended.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Trying to talk myself back into a better mind frame and react how I am really feeling.

DD18 has had suspiciously very little contact with any of us for almost a month.

About a week ago she told my wife via email only that she had dropped her cell phone in the toilet and she would be unable to receive calls or texts until it sat in rice to help try and fix?

Knowing my DD18 her whole life the emails and conversations dont even sound like her writing them? It sounds almost like this guy she left with is the one communicating with us to keep us satisfied that she is ok and to keep us at bay?

It like he allows just enough to keep us from pursuing her and he has always been present when she is in communication with us.

DD18 said she was working in the area in Delaware she fled to, them an ex boyfriend of hers happened to see a google doc resume online that gave an address in the Bronx NYC?

I am really trying hard not to think the worst but this is not like her even in her worst moments.

Ive tried to stay on course and just tell her we love her and would like to see her and it doesnt even sound like her when she replies. It seems very scripted and she always signs her name in her email replies which she never did?

I even offered to replace her cell phone telling her we always want to have a way to speak with her but we would need an address to send the new device to?

She totally shut down and quit responding?

Should I be involving the authorities to make sure she didnt get in too deep and is being held against her own will?

My wife is trying to arrange so we can see her but it always seems to fall apart or be diverted with some excuse or reason.

DD18 actually came into town over July 4th and didnt even reach out to see any of us. When asked she said they werent even planning on originally coming there. This guy she is with is bad news and so is his family from what Ive heard.

I just dont want to be missing something and be making a big mistake.

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Just leave her alone.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Years ago there was a young woman killed in our area. Her killer had her phone and continued to use it to contact her friends and family to convince them she was alive and fine. Some of her friends and family felt the communications didn't sound like her and called the authorities, who then discovered she was dead. That type of thing is very rare. Odds are your daughter is "ok" and just making some bad choices in her life right now. But if you really are worried that she might be in a dangerous situation, you could call the police to do a "welfare check" on her...they'd make contact, establish if she's OK or not. Or are there any friends of hers that could confirm for you that they've seen her and spoken with her and she's OK? If you verify she is alright, just not living the life you want for her, then you need to accept her choices.

If you do have someone check on her, authorities or otherwise, she might very well get angry and be driven even further away from you...so personally, I wouldn't take that route unless I really felt I needed to.


Good luck...that has to be awful being so worried about her and no way to get peace of mind.

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Originally Posted by JenDee
Good luck...that has to be awful being so worried about her and no way to get peace of mind.
Being worried about your adult children without being able to do anything about it is pretty much what the normal end game of child rearing. You always worry about your adult kids. But if you want to have a relationship with them, you have to respect them, as well.


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Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by JenDee
Good luck...that has to be awful being so worried about her and no way to get peace of mind.
Being worried about your adult children without being able to do anything about it is pretty much what the normal end game of child rearing. You always worry about your adult kids. But if you want to have a relationship with them, you have to respect them, as well.

This is so true what mrEureka has said!!


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I understand the mindset explained here and I humbly have taken this course with my DD18 who still remains living with this boyfriend.

I realize there is nothing I can do. Wife and I continue to speak with her on a very strange and limited basis over snap chat because a couple weeks back her cell phone was ruined when she told us she dropped it in the toilet .

I have come to terms that DD18 made her own decision to leave everyone and everything behind in clouding her college education, car and family but what I just cant seem to grasp is why you have to give everything up in your life in pursuit of this relationship?

I actually took Dr. H advise and engaged in an email conversation with this new boyfriend.

He stated that we didnt like him and made it too difficult for the two of them to see each other.

I told him that I can not cast that judgement on him because I never had the opportunity to get to know the real him and could only witness over the past year from a distance who my daughter was becoming since engaging in this relationship.

I also expressed my concern for her future because she had given up on all other things and that I didnt understand why their relationship couldnt continue but DD18 could also build her life in the process?

Boyfriend stated that he never got in the way of DD18 continuing her education and actual encouraged it. He said DD18 decisions are hers to make and he stays out of it.

I pretty much ended the conversation with an invite to sit down and speak with us in our home.

He declined to meet in our home and preferred to meet in a public place where he felt less intimidated.

I have basically spoke with DD18 for 2 hours in person since she left, and a total of maybe a half hour over the phone.

DD18 car still remains in our driveway with wife and I pmakingnpayments and keeping insured.

DD18 indicated in one conversation that her and boyfriend were close to getting money together to pay of balance of car?

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That was a pretty disrespectful response to her boyfriend, wasn't it? I think if you don't learn how to filter that out you're at risk for not having your daughter in your life at all.

It's not about who is right or wrong or who is good or bad for your daughter. Your daughter is going to go through with this whether it is a mistake or not, and nothing you do can stop it, not even telling him you think he's been bad for your daughter.

I think your daughter is trying to run away from you because you are very controlling towards her, like this.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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You did good inviting him to your home. I think that shows progress - you wouldn't have been willing to do that awhile back.

But I think he feels pretty sure that the conversation would involve you expressing disrespect for him.

Remember, this is about emotion, not at all about logic. There's nothing to be gained by trying to persuade him (or her) that he has been bad for her. Her subjective appraisal of that is going to outweigh all the logic or facts you could ever offer on that.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I guess I am somewhat confused in the position expressed here?

I know before my DD18 left the house my wife and I both were very much on top of her with the thought that we had her best interests in mind when setting boundaries in her life while living at home.

What is never mentioned here is how DD18 was an habitual liar which we found out after the fact.

Example. DD18 had a hostess job at local restaurant. We asked her what time she worked to at night so we knew when to expect her home.

We later found out she wasnt even working the shifts she indicated and was lending her car out to non licensed drivers.

This is all neither here nor there, I believe me I completely understand at 18 she can make her own choice and tell us to jump off a cliff. Am I not still supposed to be a dad and call the balls and strikes in life as I see them?

I didnt just make up the fact that this guy she is dating has less then desirable values. Ive not only witnessed it but my own DD18 admitted it several times about him indicating she believed people can change and she is a good influence on his life.

I know I have to accept what I have no right to decide and change in someone elses life, but it can still be what it is in reality; cant it?

Drugs are drugs, living together before marriage is still not good, a higher education typically leads to a more productive life ect ect...

I dont feel I control her, I am just her dad and want to protect her and call it as I see it; she obviously can decide to travel down whatever road she chooses and I am here for her if she ever calls upon me.

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Kgaa, she is eventually going to crash and burn because of her bad decisions. She needs life experience to grow into a successful adult, trust me. You need to be there for her when she is ready. I know it is very hard to watch but don't alienate her. You can't change her, but you can be there for her in a nonjudgemental way. Stop judging her.

I had to go through with it my son when he was a little older. Today he is a college graduate, a senior manager at Pepsico, married, owns a nice home and expecting his 1st child with his wife in January. But he scared me to death when he was in his late teens and even had to go to jail once for a few days for possession of marijuana! cry It was very painful. But that life lesson WOKE him up and he got back on track.

Just hang in there and protect your relationship. You will have more influence over her if you stop judging her and the loser boyfriend.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by KGaa12
I know I have to accept what I have no right to decide and change in someone elses life, but it can still be what it is in reality; cant it?

Drugs are drugs, living together before marriage is still not good, a higher education typically leads to a more productive life ect ect...


Yes, that's all true, but it's irrelevant because you can't have that conversation with her or with him. Any attempt to do so will be disrespectful, whether you are right or not, whether you love her or not, whether your motivations are good or not - and it will push her away. MelodyLane sums it up very well by saying "You will have more influence over her if you stop judging her and the loser boyfriend." He IS a loser! But don't tell her or him that.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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