Pulling for you Cyk!

Each day is something new and things change quickly. We started the week off rough but it's been good the last couple days. We did have a more serious conversation that she initiated. She again was asking how do we work on us. I again laid out the plan she was more vocal about it. Stated that the affair was over but ending all communication and blocking OM from social media, etc., was unrealistic as was her leaving the career she wanted for so long.
I told her that if it wasn't ended completely and we couldn't work to affair proof our marriage I would still follow through with divorce. She told me it was impossible and impractical to guarantee that an affair would never happen again for herself or even for me. But we should take each day as is and see if we want to be together. After I stated that was unacceptable for me she got angry and we let it be for a few days.
She had begun asking if I wanted to sleep in her room with her, I accepted one night when we stayed up late talking but declined after our recent conversation. I got home late last night and she wanted to talk over drinks but it quickly escalated from there and we did spend the night together, which as of today she regrets.
I am unwilling to work on it if total separation isn't made and we can take necessary steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.

You are doing an excellent job!! Just be sure and paint a very wonderful picture of how your marriage can be if she leaves her job and ends all contact. You are being a broken record and that is what it takes.

Wow, good job Cyk! I'm proud of you, stick to those guns for the marriage you both deserve!

At her invitation we went out last night, I've asked her out nearly every opportunity and always get a no, so I took her up on it. She immediately stated when we were out that she hasn't been living life and sitting at home isn't ideal for her. She also felt that we weren't making any progress which I agreed with. No guarantee of an affair proof marriage or total ending of the affair. She asked why else I felt we weren't making progress. I told her that I felt she still had a wall up and more often than not our interactions felt very one sided and communicating with her was challanging given all that.
She agreed that she had a wall and still wasn't sure what she wanted. With all the emotions and thoughts in her head it's been hard for her to move forward.
I told her she could tell me anything and i want her to talk to me not hold it all in. She wasn't ready and just wanted me to stop pushing so hard to work on things, just let it be.
I told her that as much as I love her I'm not going to be waiting around while she "explores what's out there" she got angry that I was giving her an ultimatum, be happy with me or be miserable alone. Cue the pity party.
I changed the subject to just have an enjoyable night out and not get stuck in a loop.
It feels good that we're talking again and spending time with each other, I've been making it a point to not let myself be a door mat to her. I have been getting more and more frustrated unfortunately by the fact that she's turned down every opportunity to go out and get out of the house (she reminds me consistently that she doenst want to sit at home) and that even though her phones glued to her hand she still doesn't respond to calls or texts.
Am I pushing too much? Any advice to be more effective in getting us to work on things or is it too soon?
I do feel like there's a shrinking window of making it work and resistance from her makes it tough.

I don't know if this helps with your frustration but WWs don't typically get intimate with their BHs or invite them out on dates! Even if she does sometimes revert to 'kitty hiding under the sofa' it's an extremely positive picture.

Pressure on the relationship is always bad, the pressure must be aimed at the affair. Carrot for wife, stick for affair. Do you have any idea what's going on in that direction? Do you think there was any exposure left undone? I know there can be very good successes with a more public exposure, such as a website. Or getting hold of his mother. Some thing guaranteed to make them fight would make her feel more inclined towards you.

Another idea is confronting OM and reminding him that youre not going anywhere, that you love her and that youre talking reconciliation.

First of all, this sucks Cyk, the whole thing has and I'm sorry you have to go through it.

You cannot see her window. There is no window. You cannot tell if it is shrinking or growing, except if your own is (as in getting fed up). I invite more experienced posters to correct me if I am steering you wrong here.

Avoid R talk. Avoid R talk. Got that? If it comes up, stick to your guns - checklist for affair proof marriage or no marriage - but then extricate immediately. If it is a repeat convo that goes nowhere just end it. Go for a walk, push yourself for a run for part of it, just get away.

Avoid R talk - invite her to activities where people have fun, but not sit around and chat - music, movies, museums, shooting range, fishing, whatever things you think she may enjoy or enjoyed in the past with you.

If you can talk about pleasant things without talking R then do so - fun memories (careful there, be sure it was times SHE had fun, not just you), compliments, etc., But if you always have R talk when going out to dinner, for example, than quit asking her out to dinner - she may be turning you down because she fears R talk.

Activities she enjoys will make LB deposits.
R talk will always be a withdrawal until she really agrees NC with OM. The longer or more heated the R talk, the bigger withdrawal.

Make some good LB deposits (even a rebuffed effort, if something she would truly enjoy, should be at least a small deposit). Make those LB deposits for as long as you can (as long as you can tolerate).

When YOU can tolerate no more, detach (actually I recommend working on detach the whole time), move forward with D, plan B.

Also Cyk - You can get through this. No matter what happens, and you can't control what does, YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.

ALSO - on those outing you do have with her - be sure to have a good time and enjoy it. Make it clear to her to her you are enjoying her company. If your heart isn't in it try telling yourself what I did - that each time your together it may be the last time so make the most of it!

But at the end of the night or activity snap out of it and don't get sappy - it may or may not be the last time but you will have a great life ahead of you no matter what!

I should add that from I have seen, it is when you have become fed up and are moving forward to be without her, that she is most likely to realize what she is about to lose and to try to R.

Not before, not after a big LB deposit, but when she can see that her husband (who even after all she's done) tried to make all these LB deposits is about be done with her - that's when she's likely to try to R if she will.

Also Indie is right about everything in her post, she makes all good points there!

Indiegirl- I've exposed to everyone I could went through 2 years worth of OMs Facebook and instagram and messaged everyone. The last contact made was from her to him about 3 weeks ago.

LMH- I try to avoid any R talk when I can I don't bring it up and when we do get talking about it I'm the first to pull back. I have been trying to get her to open up and tell me what's going on what she's thinking etc., which is probably the same I guess.
The time I do spend with her I try to make it fun, just being together and being present for her. She's said she needed that most.
As I said my frustration is coming to a boiling point and I'm trying not to slip back to old habits of snarky comments or remarks (I've always been sarcastic) but I guess it is a good sign how things are going. It still bugs me when she says ending the affair isn't easy or simple and working on us is hard. "Really how hard was it than to step out of the marriage and get over me?"
I'm trying not to get to the point of being done so thanks for the encouragement and reassurance.

Cyk, you have nothing to lose really by hanging in there for about 6 months to see if she comes on board. I wouldn't spend much more time than that, though, because you could be focusing on building a great life for yourself.

Good, keep it up!

Keep steady, but take what you think you know about her last contact with him with a grain of salt if she is not being transparent about her phone.

Focus on being calm, confident, and pleasant.

Yes it sucks how easily they seem to chuck away the LBH, but that speaks about them, not you. Not the best comfort, I know, but it should have some.

Keep that snark in check, and keep practicing your good habits, and you'll be in good shape.

If the affair has had every knife thrown at it, it's just a matter of time.


I think then, that the months of Plan A will be just as transforming for you! Every sarcastic remark made in the past gets erased with every day that you show that you do not lovebust under even the most trying of circumstances. You would leave, sure; but you would not stay to do harm.

In this stage you can get a bit haunted by 'what if this is all for nothing?'. I can tell you that the biggest gift MB gives you is the eradication of your lovebusting habits. Even if your wife were not entertaining you, this experience would make you a gold level partner for someone. That's what happened to me.

So as Melody Lane says there's literally nothing to lose.

Again thanks for the advice and support.
For me it's not a matter of if this is all for nothing, I started down this road because I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to save my marriage but I see it coming down to if she wants to be married to me or if she even wants to be married at all.
I'm trying not to be defeated but these are questions I've had running through my mind for the near 5 months since this all started.

Here's the thing, she doesn't know how she feels because she is intoxicated on an affair. She is in the fog. It is like asking a falling down drunk if they want to be married.Until that drunk sobers, he won't have a rational answer. It is the same with your wife. Until she ends all contact with the OM, this going nowhere. This is why I suggested being a broken record about her quitting that job. If you can achieve that, you have a chance. If she won't, then recovery will be impossible and you should move on.

MelodyLane- I keep telling her but in all honesty I don't see her leaving her job. So I'm struggling with that and how to proceed.

If she won't leave the job, you have no chance. However, she seemed to be thinking about it.

I feel as though I am starting to reach a breaking point. I'm frustrated with her indecisiveness and her unsureness of what she wants. As she told me she thinks about the affair and OM daily and is torn weather or not she passed up fate. I get that there are emotions and what not but it's a hard pill to swallow.
I should be happy, she's taking vacation this week and asked me to go to the beach with her. I'm looking to rearrange my schedule to go but the being stuck in limbo is taking it's toll. Some days she wants to work on it and be together other days wants nothing to do with me.
I'm probably expected to move much faster than what it is on the positive a month and a half ago we weren't even talking.

If you get to the point where you are tempted to lovebust, try ADs or you might need to go into plan B, as it would be far preferable to lovebusting. Stay with it if you can.





You dont have to listen to that if it's a trigger affecting your plan A and mental health. You can politely just tell her it bothers you/is too heart breaking for you. Other scripts:

"It wouldn't be a particularly kind fate for me"
"I don't want you ending up with a guy who abuses his position at work for an affair"
"Excuse me, that is too much for me to listen to" (leaves)
"I am begging you to stop breaking my heart with this refusal to give up on your affair "

We spent most of yesterday together went to the gym together (something we never did together) got lunch and lounged around the rest of the day.
We did go out last night which ended in a somewhat heated argument. She started the R talk which I asked if we could just keep enjoying the day together and not bring it down. She insisted we talk and she kicked it off with how she was still unsure of what she wants and she's missing out on life experiences. She hates that when I talk to her I start off by asking how her day is which she stated "it's always miserable and I do nothing"
I committed a big LB as I snapped back that all she tells me is she doesn't do anything and every time I make a suggestion to do anything she's never got the time, or she can't just pick up and go, her hairs a mess, or any other excuse.
She shot back with she's not sure what she wants but she's missing out and I just need to wait till she's ready to work on it.
I told her we weren't working on it or moving forward till we can follow the Plan and affair proof our marriage, I also wasnted to know that she wanted the same things in life and marriage and from what she's been telling me it seems we're not on the same page.
She got extremely mad that I keep bringing up the Plan and "whatever stupid book or website that told me to ruin her life by telling her family and friends our business had it all wrong. Nobody can ever guarantee an affair won't happen and I just need to wait till she decides what she wants!"
I got a little heated at that and told her if that's how she felt than we need to just end it and as soon as possible.
On our way home she said it was just a lot to deal with and 10 years is a lot to just throw away but so much has happened that it makes it hard and we always argue when we talk about it.
She left this morning for the beach for a few days as time away will hopefully help. I helped her load the car and our 2 dogs she hugged me and left.
I want to call her while she's gone but not sure if I should. We also talked about me going down sometime this week with her but not sure if I should still.
I'm torn I can't seem to pull away from her but yet I don't want to keep waiting. I do need to up my Love Bank deposits and stop Love Busting, I'm finding it hard to make big moves. The little ones are getting immediately withdrawn by both of us.

What can you do when you are with her to make deposits instead of love busters?