I feel I should offer a warning to those people who are on the fence about exposure, or who have a limited exposure, about especially the importance of exposing to people around the affair partner.

This may not be true for everyone, but I think it is true for most, not exposing will haunt you.

My wife was the one who had the affair. With a married subhuman POS (an exBF) who masquerades as a human.
He is/was an emotional, sexual, and physical abuser who abused my wife, he thinks it is ok to threaten and terrorize women.

It haunts my conscience to have not contacted his wife, who no doubt has suffered (or suffers) under similar abuse from him. That his daughters may see their marriage and think that it is normal or appropriate to treat her as he must have.

It haunts my marriage, knowing he had no repercussions on his end, and therefore nothing to dissuade him in the future.

It haunts my sense of self that so few know. More know that there were problems in my marriage than know what it was, how many perhaps think it was me who cheated instead of her?

He is a coward who threatens women. He still casts a shadow over my life. He is why I always concealed carry, half out of fear he would harm my wife, the other half that I may find him at my home.

I plan to contact his wife, initially IC was against it, and fWW was terrified. I will look over my shoulder for some time after I do, when instead I could be more focused on my marriage if I had done this sooner.

For the last year, despite all my wife's tears, I half expect him to be at our house everyday I come home from work (and I never even caught them there).

DON'T be where I am. Expose far and wide. Be a party to the TRUTH.
DO NOT HELP THE AFFAIR PARTNER WITH YOUR SILENCE.

They deserve their repercussions, their spouse deserves to know the truth, to have the chance to know whether to stay or leave their marriage.

I am confident that if had exposed immediately to his wife, it would have prevented our false recovery and terminated the affair MUCH sooner.

I am not a very biblical person, but if you are:
Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

It is scary, and you may fear other things - litigation or similar - speak only the truth and it will set you free.
I will have no such fear of litigation - for if it did come up, I will simply offer to give statement under oath (and volunteer for a polygraph) that I know it to be true. Slander and libel are only protection against LIES.

Be a role model to all who may see online and in your real life, that you believe in TRUTH, in FIDELITY, and in doing the RIGHT THING.

Inspire others in the same situation, to do the best thing they can for their SANITY and their MARRIAGE, and EXPOSE.

(If any mod feels this should be better in a different sub-forum please feel free to move it)

Please refresh my nemeory, why haven�t you exposed to the OMBW?

It all comes down to fear doesn't it? And selfishness.

Above I describe some of the price for not exposing, but it is clear now that would have been for the best (and cut affair shorter). I posted the above to hold myself accountable and get it DONE.

I will post what my fears were that others who share them can see the error of them, and the error of being ruled by them.

FEAR: That doing so would "Throw them together", that POSOM's marriage would fall apart and they would be together.

REALITY: Their marriage may end on its own because of POSOM's behavior, freeing him to pursue her full time anyway (and escaping repercussions).
REALITY: That there is piece of mind to be had - if my wife would start the affair again or see him again I would rather know now than years down the road.
REALITY: POSOM's secret being kept from OMBW robs her of choice and enables his continued cheating with my wife or others.
REALITY: She may have been a resource to help end the affair and discover more information.

FEAR: He made threats to my wife (regarding myself, but really he is only a bully to women it seems), after I told him not to contact my wife as I had not been contacting his. She did not initially tell about this. When I did find out, I contacted the police, but feared he may harm her or frighten her.

REALITY: I submitted to a terrorist, a petty entitled bully who treats women like garbage by not contacting OMBW when I learned of this. I gave him an outcome he wanted and rewarded his behavior.
REALITY: My wife and I can defend ourselves.

FEAR: That the wife would not believe me, or that I had to supply absolutely everything all at once in info dump for her. I spent months putting together whatever info I could to come up with a complete packet of information.

REALITY: I am not trying to convince a jury, if she refuses to believe, it is OK.
REALITY: She may not WANT to know everything, it is enough to let her know just the basics (also already put together and will supply resources about local domestic violence shelter's and etc in case she needs), and invite her to contact me in the case she wants to know more.
REALITY: She may already know of it and be able to supply me information.

FEAR: That a physical altercation may ensue, which results in me ending up in jail somehow.
REALITY: He is a POS who lives an hour away, after informing OMBW, my wife will file an OFP. If he comes near us, he will go to jail. And if OFP is denied, it will at least be on record, we can defend ourselves and know our legal obligations in the event of an assault.

FEAR: Worth restating because it is the largest: That any fallout will somehow result in FWW reuniting with POSOM.

REALITY: Better it happen now rather than later, that I may have more of my life.
REALITY: That every day I have wasted is also a day potentially stolen from OMBW.

I think this sums it, but there may have been other lesser worries I forgot.

What proof do you have that this man is dangerous, besides your W telling you this?

I see that you have not been on our forum very long. Are you aware that this is a tactic used by MANY WW's to prevent a BH from exposing to the OMBW? I have been here over ten years and I have seen this excuse used MANY times.

Can you tell us about your W's affair? Who was it with? How long was the affair? Who did you expose to, if anyone? How long have you been married?

LMH, just so you know, EVERY BETRAYED SPOUSE IS AFRAID. But what makes the difference between success and failure is not allowing your emotions to dictate your actions. Most of us learn this in our teenage years, because our emotions will always lead us wrong. I encourage you to put aside your fears and do the right thing for your marriage, for you, your wife and especially your wife's other victim, the OMW.

You hurt your marriage by keeping the affair secret, because as long as the other spouse doesnt know what your wife and the OM have done to her, they are free to carry on and/or resume the affair at any point.

If you are remotely familiar with Marriage Builders, you know that keeping the affair a secret [enabling] only makes it easier for them to pick it back up and keeps your W fogged out. Dr Harley calls exposure the "most important first step towards recovery."

I would tell the OMW, your family and close friends. Any children over age 4 should be told.

Instead of posting about your fears, I would focus on getting this affair exposed.

LMH we know that exposure is terrifying to the point of hands shaking because we have all done it. We also know if you take anyone into your confidence about it beforehand, they will get afraid too and tell you not to do it! Making it harder.

New BSs already know that they are afraid. What they don't know is how exposure is always so surprisingly beneficial. You need to tell about the 'after I did it', when you realised fear was a lying liar, when you went ahead and did what you needed to do.

Thank you all this is the pressure to be held to account which I wanted.

I will answer SusieQ's questions as quickly as I may, and would like feedback on my draft to OMBW and about what information to bother to include.

Q: "What proof do you have that this man is dangerous, besides your W telling you this?"
A: Most of it is based on what my wife told - not just recently but ~11 years ago before we began dating, that he would punch holes in the wall near her head and pulled a gun on her. Background reports I have run on him show in 2005 charges of "5th degree domestic assault(harm)" which was dropped, and "5th degree domestic assault(fear)" which was a conviction. I believe this was with his current spouse but am not certain.

Q: "Can you tell us about your W's affair?"
A: I feel like there is too much to answer here... honestly not sure where to begin.

Q: "Who was it with?"
A: Her exBF from 14 years ago. He is 15 years older than her. Supposedly a former marine (criminal record shows undisclosed conviction in Camp LeJeune in the past, so quite possibly dishonorably discharged). At the time they dated they were both methamphetamine abusers, he was divorced (maybe, right?) and out of the military. He is married to his second wife. He has 2 children from each marriage, none with my wife. The county filed a child support lawsuit on behalf of first wife at some point and found in wife's favor (unrelated I know, but just can't help but add it.)

Q: "How long was the affair?"
A: About 4 months, ending in early September 2017

Q: "Who did you expose to, if anyone?"
A: My parents, my siblings, my close friends, most of our mutual friends, her mother (her father and step father are deceased), her brother.

Q: "How long have you been married?"
A: 7 years, no children in our marriage. 11 years since we began dating.

DRAFT:
Dear <OMBW>,

I am <MY NAME>, the husband of the other woman (<WIFE FULL AND MAIDEN NAME>) with whom your husband <POSOM FULL NAME> had a physical, sexual affair with from May 2017, to early September 2017. They had both previously dated for some months 13 years before, when they both had been doing meth together, and after which my wife contracted genital herpes and chlamydia. She has recently been retested STD's and does not have any other than herpes.

I am sorry and humbly apologize to have waited so long to contact you, and even more sorry that your husband and my wife would choose to hurt and dishonor you and your family this way.

I encourage to look first and foremost to the safety of yourself and your children, from your manipulative and abusive husband. Included in this packet is a list of resources, for women's resources and advocates.

Please remember that no matter what condition the marriage had before the affair, that it was their decision to cheat, which was not forced on them and which we are not responsible for. Issues/arguments in a marriage is no excuse for cheating, they chose to cheat instead of improving or honoring their marriage. No matter what their twisted logic, accusations, or feelings of entitlement they may put forth, this WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is theirs.

My wife has disclosed to me some disgusting, abusive, and threatening behavior on your husband's part both in their first relationship and in their more recent one. I hope that you take steps to defend yourself or break free from any such similar abuse you may be or have been exposed to, you deserve better (everyone does). No real and decent man would ever intimidate or hurt a woman as he does.

She intends to file a restraining order due to threats he made to her when they last met. It is intended to be submitted to the courthouse approximately two weeks from the delivery of this packet, at which time he will likely be aware of you knowing about the affair. I cannot guess what reaction he may or may not have, but out of caution I encourage you to think and plan ahead for your safety.

Their affair primarily consisted of frequent meeting for sex and/or oral sex at: hotels, a friend of <POSOM>'s (<POSOM FRIEND NAME>) spare bedroom, or in my wife's car - several times a week for lengths of time from just 15 minutes to a few hours. I caught them right after having finished one such sex act in a back employee parking lot of the <POSOM SUSPECTED WORKPLACE>, where I assume he works. My wife took "Plan B" (morning after pill) several times as a result of their unprotected sex.

They also spoke of having children together, etc., and other affair fog fantasies.
He told my wife during the affair that he cheated with prostitutes in his first marriage (I believe to <POSOM 1st WIFE>) and that even if she (<MY WIFE>) were to end the affair, that he would just cheat with someone else. From my point of view it is a cointoss as to whether such things or true, or were lies used to manipulate my wife and alleviate her guilt.

<<UNSURE WHETHER TO INCLUDE THE EMAIL WHICH I DO HAVE, or to include mention some pictures sent, and whether to include some answers from my wife, this has so far been a time consuming excuse for me, not having free time to make copies of some of her handwritten statements>>
Enclosed is also some portion of their email correspondence during the latter portion of the affair, and some of the answers my wife provided me regarding the affair. Throughout the affair, <POSOM> used the name <POSOM ALIAS1> on facebook and email (supposedly a former coworker of his he used at least 2 FB and GMail accounts with that name), and afterward the name <POSOM ALIAS2> to try to contact her again(I have also identified several other FB accounts which are almost certainly his. I am certain that he is <POSOM FULL NAME>, and would be willing to testify under oath to identify him.

Whether you attempt to salvage your marriage or break free and start fresh is your business, and I wish you and your children personally the best. However if you should wish to contact me regarding any questions about the affair, or time between then and now, you may contact me and I will do my best to answer what I can for you.
<list some contact details>

For what it is worth, I think <POSOM> is a disgusting piece of <curse word for poo>, and no woman should have to tolerate his abuse. You should also know that I love my wife, but I can say honestly she is not any prettier or more attractive than you, you should not feel that she is in any way superior to you, especially since she was willing to engage in these actions.

I typically cringe at longwinded letters, but yours if full of good content she needs to know. I think it is important that you get all this information in her hands on the FIRST ATTEMPT because he will likely intervene and spin/lie once he finds out. I suspect he is a manipulator/abuser so she may not have that much control. For that reason, I would MOST DEFINITELY include any and all evidence you have. It might be your only chance.

The most critical advice I can give you is to make sure you deliver this TO HER. Waywards are geniuses at intercepting such contact so you will have to do this in a way that ensures she gets your letter. Do you have a way to do this?

Keep in mind that the initial reaction to many betrayed spouses is disbelief. She won't want to believe you. That is why it is important that you provide evidence. And she still may not believe it, so don't be upset if that happens.

And lastly, I take it you live in the same town as this guy? That has to be changed unless you want to deal with a future of an on again, off again affair with this OM. If you live in the same time, she will be perpetually triggered every time she runs into him, sees his car, drives by a meeting place. You need to move.

Why not file it the day you expose to her? The RO would not apply to her, after all.

LMH, on a 2nd read, I would, however, take out these 2 paragraphs. You don't want to make her defensive about the OM so take out the personal attack. And the 1st paragraph is giving her advice. I agree it is good advice, but your only purpose is to provide facts about her life.

Thank you for replying Melody.

POSOM has demonstrated to have access to OMBW's FB, and passively notified me on one of his FB accounts that he knew when I searched her name on LinkedIn, to find out where she works.

I intend to ship it via FedEx or ups or similar to her workplace.

Also on their last meeting my wife told him I was set on notifying his wife (his response was to issue a threat about me), so he has had plenty of time to spin things, unfortunately.

We live in city A, he lives in city C, about 1 hour apart.
He lived in city A many years ago when they first met, a few blocks from our current house.
I work in city B, about 2 miles from where he (presumably) works, 45 minutes drive from city A.
Wife works in city D about 30 minutes from city A.
Cities B and D are in between cities A and C.
(Sorry to sound like a math problem).

I have some portion of their emails from after discovery day, through FR and final contact, but not the earlier ones which were deleted (although I have some hope of recovering those eventually from forensics on a device, but it is a long shot). Some d-pics he sent, a pic of himself he sent and pic of his kids he sent, but the latter 2 were also used on FB at some time so are less incriminating than they might otherwise be. Also he used pseudonym for email address instead of his regular.

He is definitely a manipulator or abuser, their original relationship was marked by his insistent, crazy paranoia that she was cheating on him. Kinda ironic I think.

Q: "Why not file it the day you expose to her? The RO would not apply to her, after all."
A: My intent was to give her time to put things in place for herself if she chose to, I thought if he was served papers at their house she might be at risk. Supposedly, they both live with her parents, but supposedly they were going to buy a house around the time the affair ended. I figured she would be in more danger than us.

I agree with removing the two paragraphs, especially the 2nd one, but you are right about 1st one too. I just hope she realizes that.

I think it would be a GREAT time to have those papers served, because it will send the message to them ALL that you are very serious. I think that is the perfect time.

You do realize this presents a huge problem, right? They can easily meet up again because of the geography. They are actually only 30 minutes apart.

You're right, I suppose if I do both at the same time it may take court a while to process the order anyway. Perhaps I should not mention the filing of OFP at all then.

Yes, it is. My wife works 4 days a week, 2 from home (remotely), 2 where she goes into the office. The days she goes into the office we carpool, I drop her off and pick her up. That situation eases my mind most the time, although she works in a large corporate building in a metro area (near mass transit, lots of uber cars in area, etc.,). I randomly arrive a little early and walk around outside for any sign of POSOM before telling her I am there. He met with her once at her workplace to 'break up'.

And he can easily meet her there again. A 5 yr old could get around that. I hate to tell you this, but living that close is always going to be a HUGE RISK to your marriage. That is not enough distance to affair proof your marriage.

Left work early yesterday, went to UPS store and made copies of all the handwritten statements from wife. Still need to print all the emails. He included several images of internet porn in some of the emails (kind of like "Hey what do you think of us doing this and this and this" (actually he was more skeezy about it, but you get the idea) should I remove the images? I figure of course to include the pictures of himself and etc, but not sure about those.

I figure I will send pertinent info all at once in separate labeled envelopes placed in a single package with the letter and advise if she doesn't want the info she can just throw it away, and if she changes her mind and needs a copy again she can then contact me.

Intend to ship before the holiday.

Don't wait too long and be sure she gets it in person. Waywards do the craziest things to attach their partners to them, like getting their betrayed spouse pregnant to prevent her from leaving him.