Hello,

I'm new here. My husband and I have been together 21 years and we have four kids together. The last year of our marriage has not been the best and we have become more like roommates rather than husband and wife. In April, he decided to tell me that he loved me but was no longer in love with me. He went to stay at his sisters for a few weeks to decide what he wanted. What I didn't know was he met a coworker and I caught them at a hotel together in May. He came back twice saying he wasn't ready to throw in the towel yet and then he would start talking to her and put his wall up again. Since the end of May, he has been staying at his sisters and we are no longer speaking. I asked him if he would be willing to put a decision on divorce on hold for six months and he said yes because whenever I do ask him what he wants, he always says he doesn't know what he wants. I'm doing my best to pray for our marriage. My struggle is how to do I hold onto hope that our marriage will be saved, but move on with my own life at the same time?

So sorry to hear about your situation that brought you here, it really sucks.

Be sure to take the best care for yourself and children during this time. What are their ages?

Hi Shnn18, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but you have come to the best place for help. Are you familiar with Marriage Builders or Dr. Bill Harley? He is the leading expert on infidelity. His Marriage Builders program offers you the best chance to not only survive the affair, but to rekindle the romantic love in your marriage, and have a better marriage than ever. Many of us have experienced the pain and emotional rollercoaster on learning of an affair in our own marriages, but I guarantee you that the vets on this forum will offer you the best advice available anywhere...Dr. Harley's methods and advice.

One of the vets will be along soon to help you, but I'll offer a few suggestions for you to start.

I highly recommend the following 30m video by Dr. Harley called "Infidelity: What Every Couple Should Know"
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair", is highly recommended. A lot of the same material is available free on the website in the "How to Survive Infidelity" section:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

The Marriage Builders Basic Concepts is a good place to learn about the MB concepts like the love bank, emotional needs, love busters, etc:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Many of us use acronyms/abbreviations that might not be familiar (BS, WS, AO, OW, etc.). Keep this link handy if you need to look them up:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u.../acronyms-abbreviations.html#Post1984040

Lastly, the vets on the SAA forum are the best, and they've seen situations like yours thousands of times. Vets like MelodyLane, SugarCane, indiegirl, SusieQ, BrainHurts...they'll provide you the best help available anywhere!

Is the OW married? Have you found her on social media? Have you read the exposure thread?

Hello Shnn, Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Your husband has left to pursue an affair. But this can be saved if you take some very bold steps against the affair. What do you know about the OW? Is she married? Who all knows about this affair?

My girls are 19 & 14 and my boys are 8 & 9.

My husband is 47 and she is 36. I know that they work in a factory and he is her boss. She was married for five years and is divorced with two kids. When I caught them at the hotel, I posted about him cheating on facebook and tagged him in it. I sent an email to his boss also. His company was going to move him to another shift and then decided against it at the last minute. Right now, him and I have decided to separate for six months and work on "ourselves", which is what I told him. I have not been having any contact with him, other than if I see him when he picks up the kids.

Shnn, do your children know of this affair?

The only other thing I would suggest you do is expose the affair to the OW's family and friends. You did the right thing in exposing it at work. Please read the links that arbrra posted too.

I agree it is a good plan to separate at this point.

My husband and I have verbally agreed to separate for six months. I know he is continuing his affair during this time. I'm wondering if I should email him a follow up letter outlining the terms of our separation. I want to let him know that I will not tolerate another woman in our marriage and that we are to have no contact. How would I start such a letter? Is it a good idea?

Yes, sending him a letter is a good idea. But staying in touch with him [seeing him during child transfers, communicating in any manner, allowing the children around his affair partner] is a very bad idea. Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders recommends Plan B, which is a totallly dark separation where all necessary, pertinent information is transmitted through an intermediary of your choice. He should not be allowed in your home and should not be able to contact you directly.

There is an important reason for this. Staying in touch with him is dangerous to your mental health. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorders from such toxic situations. If you shut that door tightly you will find an amazing difference in your emotional outlook.

Also, giving him access to you and your home makes him feel he has you safely waiting on the sidelines while he conducts his affair. In other words, he is fully in control..

I would also remove the "6 month" timeline because that is just giving him permission to carry on an affair for 6 months. Rather, you should tell him he can have no contact whatsoever until he ends his affair, [leaving that job] and agrees to a program of recovery. Until that happens you will have no contact with him.

I would strongly recommend you hire an attorney and file for divorce - not to necessarily get divorced - but to get legal protection. You cannot count on financial and custodial support of a wayward and if you don't do this now, while he is fogged out, you may soon find yourself and your children competing for his income with the OW. Don't let that happen.

The goal here is to save your marriage, but you need to protect yourself and your children in the process.

This is a sample letter, but you need to first find an intermediary who will agree to be a point of communication and who will act as a SPAM FILTER, so to speak.

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

I have combined the threads so posters can follow it.

Well, I may have messed up because this is what I sent him:

We have agreed to separate for six months. I would like to outline the terms of that agreement so we are both fully aware of what to expect during this time. I have decided that I will not continue in a marriage while you are having an affair with Mary. I will not share my husband with another woman. Therefore, you and I are to have no contact with one another until you completely cut off all communication with Mary. If that happens, and you decide you would like to work on our marriage then please let me know at that time, but not before. I have also decided that if nothing changes at the end of this six months, then we will proceed with a divorce.
Below are the terms of our separation:
� No contact with one another unless it relates to the children, home or finances.
� We are free to date whomever we want with no repercussions of it being thrown in either of our faces if we choose to reconcile
� Visitation will be every other week from Saturday to Saturday during the summer. When the school year resumes, it will go to every other weekend and any other agreed upon days that may come up.
� During your weekly summer visitation, you will find your own childcare and no longer drop the children off at the house. This will give us a true sense of what divorce will really be like for us.
� You will take $125.00 a week for your own account and the rest of your check will go to bills and groceries. You will take $40.00 a week from the joint account to pay for gas for your vehicle.
� I will continue to pay all bills and ensure that there are no late payments on anything, so that we do not jeopardize losing our home during this trial separation.
� When you have the kids, you will use money out of our joint account for food or any needs that you may have for them while in your care.
� I will continue to take care of the home and work on improving the home.
� You will continue to maintain the lawn and the snow in the winter.
� I will continue to make sure the children have adequate clothing, food and any other necessities that they may need.
� A decision for divorce will not be made until after the six months is up. We will let the kids know we are not getting a divorce at this time, but we are taking a break from each other to work on ourselves. This should help calm some of their fears and uncertainties.

Please respond back if you are in agreement with this separation and these terms or if you would like anything added.

This is a not a good idea for several reasons. First off, your note is demanding and reflects you in a poor light. You don't want that to be his last impression of you before you go dark.


This is called open communication which completely defeats the purpose and assures him he still has open access to you while he conducts the affair.


I am sure you are kidding with this one, right? You can't exactly claim to object to HIS adultery when you are proposing it yourself. You are not a single person. Separated = MARRIED. Believe me, in some states this will be held against you in court.

You pay all the bills? And where does he take the kids when he has them?

I have no intentions of dating anyone else. The purpose for that sentence is he is going to do as he pleases anyway, so if I take the thrill of the affair away from him then it is no longer forbidden, but rather a relationship that he has to deal with.

His check goes into our checking account and I have been in charge of the bills for our whole marriage, so when I say I will pay the bills it is utilizing both of our paychecks, minus the $125.00 for himself.

He is staying at his sister's house and takes the kids there. The problem is with him having them for a week, she does not want them left at her house so this week, he brings them to our house while he works and then picks them up after work. I want to put a stop to that and make him responsible for them in his care and he will need to find other child care or arrangements for them.

I also added to the letter that if we decide to get divorced then neither of us can use this agreement in court.

I didn't understand that no contact meant having to go through a third party. I will consider that further.

This letter is something that we both previously discussed on the phone, so what I did was just put it in writing so we both had a clear understanding of what we previously agreed too. I know I'm not any good at this right now. I'm still an emotional wreck and will have to turn my focus over to building up myself from here on out.

You are basically giving him the green light to commit adultery, which is not the message you want to send.
You should be objecting strenuously to his adultery, not condoning it. This is classic enabling. It just assures him you are not serious about the marriage.


I would strongly suggest you file for divorce because he will stop his check deposit. You cannot count on a fogged out wayward to continue to support you especially when YOU ARE COMPETING WITH THE OW FOR HIS INCOME. You do understand that you are in competition with his OW?


Is there a reason your kids are being dragged out of their home for a week? I am confused at how that is in their best interest? They can still visit their dad without having to be dragged away for a week.


Which means nothing. If you get divorced that will hurt you in court to be seen condoning adultery.


Do you have someone who can be an intermediary?

We can help you tighten this all up and make the separation much more effective, but I don't think your plan is good for anyone involved. Your separation plan pretty much gives him permission to commit adultery for 6 months. That is not a good strategic plan.

I would certainly focus on building yourself up, but there is also alot you can do to ensure a better outcome for your marriage, your kids and your legal protection. As it stands, you have legal protection at all. Nor do you give him a path back to your marriage. You are simply giving him a ticket to leave for 6 months to have an affair.

Honestly, I have no funds to get any legal protection at this point. That's the only thing holding me back. I don't know how I would give him a path back to his marriage.