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Today, he took all the kids to a family members house to go swimming and I broke down crying. Previously, he told me he was leaving me, not the kids, so today I felt completely alone and abandoned. Shnn, please take a deep breath and follow through on the plan we outlned above. I promise you will feel like a new woman in a few weeks if you go into a proper Plan B and go compleetley dark. But you need to do it right. That means sending him a love letter with a path back as the last thing he hears from you. Set up an intermediary who can act as a spam filter. And I most certainly would not give your husband overnights unless it is court ordered. That is not good for any of you. If you can do this, I promise you will feel like a new woman in a few short weeks.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I was in a very bad place last night You need Plan B right away. Your children already have one wayward parent - they need YOU to be as strong and healthy as possible. If you stay in contact with your WH, this is only going to get worse.
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HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.
TIMING
~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that�s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.
DETAILS ON HOUSING
~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS�s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.
INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.
IM�s ROLE
~An IM�s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley�s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It�s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.
They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.
The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.
If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.
If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.
CHANGING THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE
~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn�t have cash and didn�t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.
A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don�t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.
PLAN B LETTER
~Write a �love letter� to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).
Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.
Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.
Close the letter with �I love you and will be praying for you� or something similar.
Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a �love letter� so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It�s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.
ADDENDUM
~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.
In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.
IF THE WS ATTEMPTS CONTACT
IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.
If it�s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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For the addendum on your letter: . A typical visitation is Wednesday evenings and Saturday afternoons. I would include that visitation schedule in your Plan B letter. Or choose days which suit you as we get to work in helping you heal (for heaven's sake, don't discuss/ask him which days he wants!)
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Have you written your Plan B letter? Post here for feedback. Do you have an IM? When are you going dark?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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My husband is 47 and she is 36. I know that they work in a factory and he is her boss. Most employers have strict fraternization rules that address situations like this. An exposure to the employer would very disruptive to the affair.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I have not written the plan b letter yet. I haven't been able to find an IM. I was hoping to go dark this week. He was extremely hateful over the weekend and I think he is going to pull his money soon. I'm trying to find a low income lawyer this morning. I did expose him at work and they were supposed to move him to another shift and then decided to keep him where he was at the end. They didn't follow through.
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I have not written the plan b letter yet. I haven't been able to find an IM. I was hoping to go dark this week. He was extremely hateful over the weekend and I think he is going to pull his money soon. . Shnn, you just need someone who has a stiff spine who would be willing to act as spam filter. If done correctly, it is the easiest job in the world. I would also think through your visitation schedule, keep it as minimal as possible and have your H pick up the kids from the drive way and drop them off in the drive way. The goal is to not see or speak to him during these transfers. You need to find the IM, write the letter and have someone else deliver the letter to him. After he gets the letter, he should not be able to reach you. That means blocking his cell phone/email so he can't reach you. if he has a key to your home, i would change your locks. It is not hard - or expensive - to change your own locks.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce.
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Here is my plan B letter:
Dear ****EDIT***,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly allowed my personal pain to put up a wall and distance myself from you. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. I�m sorry that I did not give you the love and support that you needed from me and that I did not support you when it came to the children and important decisions. I know I have caused you much pain and for that I am truly sorry.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.
Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friend, ***EDIT*** has agreed to be a mediator for us. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through her.
I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. I�m sure you can imagine the pain and heartache this has caused me. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
I feel that it is in the best interest of the children for you to visit them every other weekend.
Also, I trust that you will continue to provide for your family and only keep $125.00 for yourself until a final resolution in our marriage is made.
As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be willing to discuss our future together with you.
I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.
I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.
With all my love,
***EDIT***
Last edited by Ariel; 07/02/18 04:21 PM. Reason: Removing names
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Have your friend read this training thread: https://forum.marriagebuilders.com//ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264548I would give your husband her email address and encourage her to keep it all to written communication. Make sure you block him and change the locks before sending the letter. Be prepared for him to throw a tantrum and refuse to use the IM. I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce. Do not worry! Nobody has ever in the the history of the world ever saved up for a divorce, it would be quite peculiar. You are not in the least different to the rest of us on that score. As long as you protect funds so as to stop him burning through the cash you'll be fine.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/02/18 10:34 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce. Shnn, I would not do this now. You want to keep the house because you will have the children. He can pay the house payments and he can pay the lawyers fees.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce. Shnn, I would not do this now. You want to keep the house because you will have the children. He can pay the house payments and he can pay the lawyers fees. That is reassuring because everyone is telling me that he will have me sell the home so he can make some money on it, but I really want to try to keep the home. I just can't do it on my own, but I'm hoping the judge will make him help pay for the home.
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Here is my plan B letter:
Dear ***EDIT***,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly allowed my personal pain to put up a wall and distance myself from you. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. I�m sorry that I did not give you the love and support that you needed from me and that I did not support you when it came to the children and important decisions. I know I have caused you much pain and for that I am truly sorry.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.
Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friend, ***EDIT*** has agreed to be a mediator for us. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through her.
I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. I�m sure you can imagine the pain and heartache this has caused me. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
I feel that it is in the best interest of the children for you to visit them every other weekend.
Also, I trust that you will continue to provide for your family and only keep $125.00 for yourself until a final resolution in our marriage is made.
As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be willing to discuss our future together with you.
I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.
I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.
With all my love,
***EDIT*** Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friend, ***EDIT*** has agreed to be a mediator for us. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through her. Shnn, I would remove the word "mediator" because that is not what she will be. She will only be a person who is passing on and filtering communication. Also, remove "any other matter" because you should only get PERTINENT messages - in your IM's words - about finances and child visitation. Change the sentence to: "Our friend, ***EIT*** has agreed to facilitate any pertinent communication. If you want to communicate about the children or finances it will have to be through her."
Last edited by Ariel; 07/02/18 04:23 PM. Reason: Removing names
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce. Shnn, I would not do this now. You want to keep the house because you will have the children. He can pay the house payments and he can pay the lawyers fees. That is reassuring because everyone is telling me that he will have me sell the home so he can make some money on it, but I really want to try to keep the home. I just can't do it on my own, but I'm hoping the judge will make him help pay for the home. Which people, his family? Marriage laws are certainly not what they should be but not so dreadful that judges preside over children being kicked out of their home in order to finance someone's adultery. Stay put and change the locks. There won't be a thing he can do about it and of course he must support its upkeep.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I have not sent him the letter yet, but I have stayed silent for 4 days. He has not tried to contact me at all. Some days, I feel as though I am wasting my time and shouldn't give him this space and other days I feel like I just need to let time takes its course and see what happens.
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I have not sent him the letter yet, but I have stayed silent for 4 days. He has not tried to contact me at all. Some days, I feel as though I am wasting my time and shouldn't give him this space and other days I feel like I just need to let time takes its course and see what happens. Shnn, I would just point out that neither options are a PLAN, they are just an emotional reaction to the affair. You are in what we call "Plan C," which is the most likely to end in divorce. If you want to have any chance, you are going to need to put aside your feelings and follow a plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I feel like I just need to let time takes its course and see what happens. That sounds risky - what happens could be something extremely painful to you. And then you might lose it and do something to make the problems even worse. Shnn, have you been using your time here to read up on Dr. Harley's advice? Have you seen what happens to other wives in your situation? Have you listened to Dr. Harley's radio show at all?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes, I started reading his book this week. I'm going to send my husband my plan B letter and then cut off all contact and focus on self healing.
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Yes, I started reading his book this week. I'm going to send my husband my plan B letter and then cut off all contact and focus on self healing. 
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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