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Joined: Jul 2018
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This is my first post here. We are 6 months out from our official DDay. So far, things have been going well, all things considered. We had a mini DDay 9 months ago and entered into a false recovery. Contact with the OW continued for 3 more months while my FWH attempted to end it (she was threatening to tell me and expose it at work, and was using self-harm and feigned illness to try to keep him around). Ultimately, she DID tell me (indirectly) and that was our official DDay.

My FWH cut all contact with the OW immediately. It started as a work friendship involving frequent group texts, then became one-on-one texts which increased in frequency and intimacy until the worst occurred. He describes it as a friendship that he allowed to get out of hand. Beware of texting!! It's a big threat to marriages! I've done enough research and reading to say I'm almost 100% sure this was a conflict-avoidance affair mixed with a mid-life crisis. Basically, she filled the unmet emotional needs I didn't even know he had because we were lacking in open, honest communication (avoiding conflict).

FWH is deeply remorseful, very ashamed of his behavior (which was extremely out of character) and hates himself for what he has done. He has been doing a fantastic job of making reparations, being transparent, taking responsibility for what happened, and showing me he is 110% recommitted to our marriage. We both said we already feel closer than we have felt in years. We are dating again, having open honest communication, have taken up some new hobbies together, and cuddle on the couch when we watch TV. We installed GPS on our our phones so we both can spot check each other at any time, but I no longer feel the need to do this. His attention is clearly back on me and our home and life/future together. We've read His Needs, Her Needs, and the 5 Love Languages. We're actively working on meeting each others' top emotional needs--things are definitely improving steadily.

My question is: How do I handle a bad day? I'm still having them occasionally. My good days definitely outnumber my bad ones, but sometimes I slip backwards into feelings of intense anger, or deep grief, or an overwhelming sense of this new reality. Sometimes questions will pop up in my mind that make me want to open up the can of worms again, but I resist. I know once the details of the affair have been discussed we're not supposed to bring it up anymore, and we're supposed to focus on the present and making our relationship amazing from here on out. So how do you handle moments when you are still cycling through strong feelings? If I can't hide my emotions, I tell my FWH that I'm having a "bad day," or that "everything's crashing down on me today." I don't mention anything specific to the affair itself, but even the fact that I'm having a bad day seems to make my husband feel horrifically guilty and self-loathing, and I feel like it puts us several steps back. How can you authentically move through your feelings as a BS while not reminding the FWS of what he's done and making huge withdrawals from his Love Bank?

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Hello BED, welcome to MB! I want to first ask you some questions to determine if the stage is set for your marriage to recover. Most marriages don't ever recover from infidelity because they have no plan. Instead they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and eventually end up divorced. I see a few red flags in your post but I wanted to first ask:

1. has he left this job and ended all contact with his OW?
2. has the affair been exposed to family, friends, workplace?

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He describes it as a friendship that he allowed to get out of hand. Beware of texting!! It's a big threat to marriages!


Affairs always start as opposite sex friendships, regardless of texting. It would have started another way if he had opposite sex friendships. As soon as some needs are met outside of marriage, others are soon to follow. So, I would urge you to focus on OS friendships, and not texting. The texting was just the communication method.

Quote
I've done enough research and reading to say I'm almost 100% sure this was a conflict-avoidance affair mixed with a mid-life crisis. Basically, she filled the unmet emotional needs I didn't even know he had because we were lacking in open, honest communication (avoiding conflict).


It was a garden variety affair that happens with a spouse who has poor boundaries around the opposite sex. Blaming "Mid life crisis" is a form of denial. But you are right that she did meet his needs - BECAUSE HIS LOVEBANK IS OPEN.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Welcome to MB.

Does he still work with OW? Is he still at this job?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi everyone,

To answer your questions:

Yes, they work for the same company but in different counties. He's leaving in under a year, possibly sooner. In the meantime, his supervisor has been advised not to put them on the same projects, and he's been more than happy to comply with that request. FWH now tells me in advance of any anticipated unavoidable professional contact, as well as any unexpected run-ins, which to date have been very rare.

All contact has ended with the OW (including blocking her on phones, email, and social media). There were no secondary e-mails or throw-away phones. She wanted him to get them towards the end so they could go further underground; he outright refused.

Affair was exposed selectively to some family, some friends, and some in the workplace (those in authority).

From his perspective, it is truly OVER, and he wants absolutely nothing more to do with her in any capacity for a wide variety of reasons.

We have a new policy in the marriage: NO opposite-sex friendships for either one of us. Period. He realizes now how insidiously a friendship can cross the line.

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Originally Posted by BetterEveryday
Hi everyone,

To answer your questions:

Yes, they work for the same company but in different counties. He's leaving in under a year, possibly sooner. In the meantime, his supervisor has been advised not to put them on the same projects, and he's been more than happy to comply with that request. FWH now tells me in advance of any anticipated unavoidable professional contact, as well as any unexpected run-ins, which to date have been very rare.


Any and every contact puts him back to day 1 of withdrawal. Keep in mind, he won't tell you about contacts. "Professional" contact, whatever that is supposed to mean, is always avoidable if one is serious about recovery. That is like the alcoholic who changes the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and then pretends he is sober. That is all that happened here.

The bottom line is that recovery will never begin until all contact ends. You have not even started recovery. He is fully free to go to work every day and conduct his affair. You will never be the wiser.

Quote
All contact has ended with the OW (including blocking her on phones, email, and social media). There were no secondary e-mails or throw-away phones. She wanted him to get them towards the end so they could go further underground; he outright refused.


This is all meaningless given that you know they are still in contact at work due to "unavoidable professional contact."

Quote
From his perspective, it is truly OVER, and he wants absolutely nothing more to do with her in any capacity for a wide variety of reasons.


Of course he would tell you this as long as he can still see his lover at work.

I am sorry to tell you that you have not taken the first step towards recovery. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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If you are serious about recovery, he should put in his notice now. Otherwise, your marriage wont make it.

Is the OW married? If so, was the affair exposed to her spouse?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Have you read this? False Recovery


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also, are you married? How long? Any children?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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