Hi to everyone.
I just love this forum and Dr Harley- I wish I would have found him years ago.
I have read all of his books now- been reading on the forum and thought I would make a post.

I am in my 3rd marriage.... but working on leaving him. I wish it was easier to leave but I feel better that I have a plan.

My first ended from a tragic car accident (wish he was still here) My oldest 2 kids are from this marriage.(Boy 17; Girl 14)

My second from his infidelity (when I found his secret email account, I told everyone on earth and flung him from the house without even knowing about exposure or plan b) We had my youngest child together. ( Girl 8) I was not interested in reconciliation or anything- I stopped reading at the 200th woman he was emailing.

I was in a better financial place then & working out logistics to leaving This Husband has been harder.

He did the proverbial- be a saint, wonderful while dating and lied to me like crazy and thought when we married I would stay if he didn�t cheat & was kind financially.
My kids hate him, he hates them and honestly I hate him. The lies he told me before marriage are not forgivable and if known I would have NEVER married him- he knew it and so I will not give him a chance at all at this point.

(Even though at the beginning I did nicely tell him I was not happy but his response was � if you were a better person then we wouldn�t have problems, I�m not changing for a dog so either deal or get the ****** out. ) So I�m getting out. And yes, I am the dog- it�s his favorite name to call me when he is upset.

I am here for a community�s that understands where I am coming from and to continue to learn as I never ever want to go through this again if possible! I�m utterly amazed that I am here again facing divorce and all of it is hard!

So while I prepare to leave- any ways to survive living with him?

Ps:
And my girls love My little pony and FlutterShy has the butterfly�s cutie mark so has always been my fav

Hello, FlutterShy, and welcome to Marriage Builders.

As far as how to survive until you get out, I suggest hastening getting him out as soon as possible. Can your lawyer get you legally separated and force him out?


Be sure to get the Marriage Builders app and start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show every day. An hour "class" every day, over a period of years, can work wonders. It did for me.

What lies did your husband tell you before marriage?

Has he engaged in any of these Love Busters since you got married?
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Independent Behavior (doing what he wants whether you like it or not)
Dishonesty
Annoying Habits

So, I have talked to my lawyer but he owned the house long before us so I will have to leave. ( no seperation in this state just divorce) so I�ve gone over financials with him & me and kids would need to be out within months -
So, I had to change a huge huge thing in my career.... I�m kinda rebuilding from scratch- it�s going well but I need till Jan to definitely take care of us..... I�m really great with money, have mapped out rentals & have a good budget but don�t want to be rash.... make sense?

All the above in spades- the disrespectful judgements against everyone is crazy... he can�t speak to me without being mean, name calling, angry silent treatments etc. He always does what he wants (IB) Annoys me constantly- the more he finds something annoys me ... he tries to do it more so he can laugh at me.

I�ll try to listen to the radio show then... thank you.

Flutter, that is a really pathological level of lying. I appreciate you need some form of shelter and support but I would not pause where you are any longer than necessary. This type of contempt is honestly quite dangerous. So you need to leave the house, but surely your husband would have to pay for your support during the transition? What did your lawyer say to this? I would also try calling a women's shelter as they often have excellent advice on leaving an abusing relationship.

It's funny that he openly calls you 'dog'; when I was married to a pathological liar, I often felt that is how I was considered by him. I would often think to myself 'he treats me like I am the dog!' when he made unilateral decisions, withheld information, hand waved my preferences away. I knew I was his pet without him ever using those words. When a highly secretive and selfish person has a partner, they are only capable of doing so by treating it as convenient companionship similar to what a pet would provide. I actually heard a male co-worker once complain that his wife was not as uncomplaining as his dog....which....yeah. A fun type of misogyny.

Depend upon one fact: you do not know everything about the money. You do not know how he spends it, what he's earned, what bills he leaves unpaid, what he's borrowed or what he has stashed away unless you've seen written evidence with your own eyes. This is where I would snoop and it could very possibly pay for your freedom.

Thank you for chiming in Indiegirl..... please don�t stop .
You felt like a pet too! I 100 % believe he would treat a dog better than me.

So, I have talked to my lawyer. He is really amazing. It�s a marriage of a year, and he doesn�t waste time so with no kids, no assets together etc, I would file... and he would have to pay for 3 months of our life & in 90 days we would be divorced where I would then be on my own. We even have the divorce papers ready!!! . I would have to stand on my own feet by then.... so this is my dilemma. With 3 kids, not possible yet.

I make the most money From now till end of the year and need this time to focus on working.....I make $500 a month till January & then if I�ve done my job, I will make 3k a month and more a month from then on.... I can�t go anywhere with 3 kids for 500 a month!
Reading Dr H views on planning has helped give me a goal & at least right now I barely see my H. Still really difficult. Any words of advise on how to act would be helpful.

I have always helped out with the head of our domestic shelter here & they don�t consider him �abusive�so I can�t get help there. And she has tried.

Her advise was not to tell truth of my plans to leave as its to dangerous & just don�t argue, try to stay away as much as possible from him & play along in a sense while planning my escape asap. He thinks I�ve learned my place now as I don�t try anymore, don�t complain & let him be. I also have a friend who is helping watch my girls so they aren�t really around him much at all, never alone and are out of his way.

I would not have made this major change in my career if I knew after marrying him he would turn into Mr Hyde!!! I�m kicking myself some but in a year I will be so so much better off because of it.

I have snooped on money. It is strangely the one area he hides nothing now- he wants me to handle all of it & refuses to even look at the bank account. That way Im always the bad guy telling him not to buy anything or if we have an issue it�s always my fault. I think he likes this.

My methods uncovered his other debt. When I did- he came clean. He has never touched a computer in his life & has no access at work and I insisted on spyware on his phone to marrying him from my past. I know he could have a burner but I have looked & see nothing like that anywhere. So not sure what else to do. I really do feel like I have access too and have seen the written evidence of everything financial now. It�s other lies I�m sure he is telling but I don�t give a rip anymore- I just want to be gone!

Reading Dr H books was great as my Christian side was feeling kinda guilty but understanding EN & LB....why we feel these things etc� so eye opening. Sooooooo thankful I found them!!!!!

Oh- if he tried to physically hurt me or kids- I would throw him in jail!!!!

Part of me just doesn�t understand how I couldn�t see this. We dated 2 years, I spoke & knew his family. I even spoke with his ex wife and ex step daughter - his friends, people he worked/s with... church leaders. I keep thinking- how can everyone be so wrong- this man acts mean & is a liar. ( I know people ask, his ex became a drunk & started sleeping around on him which she admits to now that she is sober but he was divorced 7 years before meeting me and I was for a year 1/2)

So miserable!

Ok got it.


January?! Ridiculous. You'll be a mess by then.

Is what you make less than minimum? Do you get help from the state if so?

It sounds like you did all due diligence and there's nothing further you could have done. A man like this grooms people in a positive way to make sure his wife will never be believed. There was only one woman who could have let you know, but she was either more abusive than he was or had been abused so much that she came to be an unreliable witness. At least you know now and you have the sense to keep a poker face on while you make your plans.

He fancies himself as very clever but a few things you have revealed here show him to be anything but. You'll be victorious here.

I am still here. I checked into help but I don�t qualify.... lots of specifics to get into my job...

I did speak to my lawyer who suggested us kicking him out- filing mid October as that gives me till mid January for divorce to finish & we could ask for a move out end of Feb since we are already mid Jan. I thought it a brilliant plan.

I just can�t figure out a way to get out sooner. It totally stinks .... but trying to stay the course. He generally pretends I don�t exist or says mean things so trying to stay far away from him.

Did you ever write to Dr. Harley?

No I haven�t. I thought the purpose of the forum was to get others who give his advise.

Things just going day to day..... work, home etc. I wonder why he wants to be married to me at all but oh well....

Countdown of a few months left...